Disclaimer: the characters aren't mine. Most of the fics mentioned aren't mine. I'm just having fun... Authors include: Mahlialily, Holly Gilmore, Angeleyez, Secretstar, Green Eye, Lydia, Oregano, Samantha, Kimlockt, Angel Monroe, and if I'm missing anyone, I apologize... you can beat me up...

Spoilers: Anything's fair game... and fanfic spoilers as welll..

Summary: Jess and Rory look for Greener pastures...

Rating: PG-13

House Hunt

The Gilmore Kitchen:

Rory is sitting at the kitchen table a couple of days before filming the season finale, reading a thick script, drinking coffee. She skims over a page, over a page, and spits out her coffee in abrupt surprise. Her eyes wide, she reads it over again.

Dean walks up with a plate of fries.

DEAN: Hey, Rory. What's wrong?

RORY: (Still in shock, hands DEAN the script)

DEAN: (Reading it over) "They draw closer into an embrace, Rory and Dean- (He drops the scrip).

RORY: (Nodding numbly)

DEAN: No offense or anything, Rory, but... I don't wanna kiss you...or... do... that... with you... I'm kinda married.

RORY: I don't wanna kiss you, either! God, Jess is going to be livid!

JESS walks in and sits next to RORY

JESS: Be livid about what?

DEAN picks up the script and hands it to JESS, who reads over and rolls his eyes.

JESS: Jeez... aren't they sick of you two already?

RORY: Apparently not... I don't wanna kiss Dean... or anything! Why can't I kiss you?

JESS smirks.

JESS: Because you don't wanna be with me.

RORY: Ugh. Damned writers. They don't know what I want!

DEAN: They do, remember? They caught you guys getting naked between takes on the bridge?

RORY turns red and JESS grins.

DEAN: ... and in the Diner.

JESS: Luke will never forgive us for that one.

DEAN: And wasn't there something with you guys in Doose's?

RORY: (mutters) Maybe...

DEAN: So, they know what you want, Rory. They just aren't willing to give it to you.

RORY: Let's move!

JESS: (looking confused) Move where?

RORY: Come on! There has to be a friendlier plot than this!

DEAN: You could always look to fanfic...

RORY pulls out the Big Book O' Fanfic Yellow Pages...

RORY: Hmmm... Echo...? No... that won't end well...

JESS: I like that one...

DEAN: (Rolls his eyes) Why aren't there any good fics with me in them?

JESS: You're the bad guy, my friend. I'm sorry.

DEAN: (sighs)

RORY: What about Previously On Gilmore Girls?

JESS: That took place a year ago!

RORY: So?! How about Next, On Gilmore Girls?

JESS: It might work...

RORY: There's always A Little Dramatic Irony...

JESS: (Looks over the plot) Thanks, but no thanks... I hate comas.

RORY: Picky! What about Defending Bjork?

JESS: That took place TWO years ago!

RORY: I wouldn't mind being seventeen again...

DEAN: I get dumped and beat up on in just about every single plot...

JESS: Yet you live to tell the tale.

RORY: I vote Kiss the Bride!

JESS: Mushy!

RORY: Cute! We're so happy there!

JESS: What about Dust to Dust?

RORY: You want to be a schizophrenic who can't brush his own hair? I still sleep with Dean in that one...

JESS: Point. What about Easier to Run?

RORY: We're broken up in that one.

JESS: Yeah... but... Bella's hot!

RORY: (glares) Fine! Then you might as well leave me for Choking on the Pretense as well! Go find that hot little redhead!

JESS: Really? Can I?


JESS: (looking over it) Oohhh... Being Right is Over-Rated... Can we?

RORY: Also set in the past.

JESS: I don't care. I want to ravish you against the diner's kitchen wall.

RORY: Oh, my god...

DEAN: (sighs again) Aren't there any fics about Lindsay and I?

JESS: (Looking) None that end well...

DEAN: Damn.

RORY: What about Shivery?

JESS: Aren't you nuts in that one?

RORY: Oh... right...

JESS: Slowest form?

RORY: We're not even together in that one yet... we're still trying to stop running away from each other, I think... You ran out all... miserable in the last updated chapter...

JESS: Damn... why can't we ever be happy?

RORY: Kiss the Bride...

JESS: I don't wanna get married yet. I'm not ready... Globes and Maps?

RORY: You cheat on me!

JESS: Oh... yeah.

RORY: Over Time.

JESS: Again... coma. No.

RORY: Ooooh. Reason for Breathing?

JESS: Huh... if we can relive the entire thing over and over again, I'm game... or... How about A Whole New World?

RORY: You want my mother to have breast cancer?!

JESS: (cringing) Or not...

DEAN: Face it, you guys. You'll never find the perfect plot. There is no happily ever after for you that doesn't involve massive plot devices, weddings, or ankle-biting children.

RORY: (pouts) He's right. We're trapped.

JESS: (sighs) I guess we'll just have to... keep sneaking off between takes... it's not so bad.

RORY: (pouts again) I don't wanna sleep with Dean!

DEAN: I don't wanna sleep with you, either! That's it. I'm gonna go find Lindsay. (He leaves)

RORY: (sighs, depressed)

JESS: It isn't that bad... and... you won't really sleep with Dean...You'll fake it for the audience.

RORY: How do you know the writers won't demand realism?

JESS: If they do, I'm taking hostages.

RORY: (snickers, wrapping an arm around him) My hero.