Disclaimer: The Teen Titans belong to the WB and DC Comics. I have no ownership of them...unfortunately.
Author's note: I know, I know, I should be working on Childhood Games but this was just too tempting to write. A blatant parody. Written in about two hours, so I can't guarantee quality.
PG-13 for some sexual innuendo in the parts of the beginning and end of the fic. You have been warned.
Edit: 2/10/05 Decided to edit some wording, grammar, etc. Added a few sentences, deleted a few, edited a lot.
Edit: 2/21/05 Punctuation got a little screwy.
"I'm going to kill you. You guys are so dead. I'm going to kill you all," Raven chanted, rocking back and forth. Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy all sweatdropped.
We're sorry, Rae," Beast Boy said weakly.
"'Sorry' isn't going to cut it this time," she muttered, drawing her cloak a little tighter around her. The jail was decidedly cold, and even Cyborg set his pride aside to ask for a blanket from Robin. "I can't believe Aqualad didn't warn us about these people."
"Maybe he didn't know they existed," Cyborg hypothesized, turning around so the flashlight shone in Raven's face.
"He's AQUALAD," Beast Boy said. "The Atlanteans know everything in this ocean."
Robin snorted. "Be reasonable, Beast Boy." Automatically, the Teen Titans turned to look at their leader. "They live in a trench and only speak Kryptonian. They have mental blocks around their minds, meaning Aqualad can't use his telepathy to communicate with them, and if he knew about them, he'd warn us that they find single, female woman traveling with unwedded males to be unethical and breaking fifteen of their laws!"
There was a lengthy pause. Raven sighed and stopped swaying. She appeared to have reclaimed most of her calm, emotionless façade.
"We should have lied," Raven said grimly. "If we did..."
Silence. Four sighs.
"They did say we could marry. Two of us marry, and we won't be executed at twilight," said Cyborg. "But we turned it down."
"Of course we did," Raven said bitterly. "We're teenagers. None of us are ready for marriage."
Cyborg looked outside the bubble that was keeping the water out. Outside was pitch black, illuminated by the occasional guard (who were basically walking fish shaped light bulbs). The only reason they had any light on a consistent basis was because of the flashlight built into his shoulder. "Well, it's either that or death."
"I'd rather die," deadpanned the empath. The male Titans grumbled as a collective 'gee, thanks Raven' statement.
"C'mon, Raven!" Beast Boy said. "It won't be that bad being married to me."
Robin swelled angrily in a way that implied he might explode. "I don't think so, Beast Boy. I'm the leader. I should marry her."
"Dude! You barely even know her!"
"So? I'm the leader! This is my team! I should do it because I need to look out for her."
"You're too serious, and you two have no chemistry! I should do it because opposites attract!"
"That only works with magnets," Robin shot back. "Haven't you ever heard of the expression 'birds of a feather flock together'?"
"Robin isn't even your real name!"
"At least it's my codename! At least my real name isn't named after a fat cat! Cats and birds are natural enemies!"
If the Titans were going to pick who would win Raven's hand in marriage solely by name, Cyborg would have won, as his name meant 'victor'.
Cyborg sighed and turned his light away from the squabbling duo. There was no way this day could get any worse. First there was the plumbing malfunction, then came Aqualad and his precious, ailing fish, and now she was locked up in a jail filled with a bunch of idiots... and she was about to fall asleep.
"At least I'm not named after the male…thingies!"
"I'm not named after those, Beast Boy! That's not even my full name. Get your head out of the gutters."
"My head is out of the gutters! In case you haven't noticed, we're in a trench!" Beast Boy's arms flailed about wildly and his voice escalated to alarming volumes. "And it's all because you just have to go and help Aqualad."
The two boys glared at each other. Finally, they both blinked and in an unspoken truce, backed into the bubble's wall.
"I know. This is my fault." Robin said, rubbing his temples. "If it's Raven whom one of us needs to marry, then we should let her decide."
"Right" Beast Boy said, taking a deep breath. He squinted in the darkness. "What do you think, Raven?"
"Raven" Beast Boy repeated. "You awake?"
Cyborg twisted his torso around. The flashlight illuminated Raven's sleeping form.
"She's asleep!" Beast Boy said, outraged. "I can't believe she's sleeping."
Robin shrugged. "She did look tired. We should wait until she wakes up. Until then..."
Robin smiled grimly. "We come up with some sort of escape plan."
"What" Raven snapped. By Azar's name, she hated being married to Beast Boy. Sure, it had its perks, but being at his throat three times a day got exhausting after a few hours.
"You done meditating yet?"
Raven's eyebrow twitched. "I just started meditating ten minutes ago, honey."
"Oh." Beast Boy said, ears drooping. "Do you want to be left alone?"
"C'mon, Raven, would it kill you to laugh?"
Raven's eyebrow twitched. She was beginning to think she was developing a facial tic. "Yes, it would." She removed her hood, revealing her now distinctively shorter hair. Beast Boy giggled nervously.
"Okay, so the hairspray and Zippo lighter wasn't such a bright idea..."
The purple haired girl brought her hood back up again. "On the contrary, it was positively blinding."
"What's wrong with tofu?" Beast Boy asked, waving a spoonful of the whitegoop in her face. Raven's eyebrow twitched again. She was developing a facial tic!
"It's tofu: bland, tasteless, and not a good meat substitute," she replied as levelly as she could. "Besides, I'm not hungry."
Beast Boy simpered. "You're never hungry. C'mon, just a bite. Please? For your hubby?"
He shoved the spoon into her mouth anyway.
"So since we're an official couple now..." Beast Boy grinned proudly. Raven, on the other hand, was too busy trying not to faint. "...I got Robin to let us share a room! What do you think of it?"
"What happened to everything?" she managed to grate. Her voice rose dangerously and her hair stood on an end. She could feel her eyes burning.
"Well, I decided that those masks were too grim and the bed clashes with mine..."
Raven turned to face Beast Boy, bearing her new fangs and frothing at the mouth. The changeling recoiled in fright.
"I'M GOING TO KILL-"
"...You go to the guard and try talking to them"
Raven woke up with a start. Her hand was shaking, and for a good reason, too. That had to be one of the worst nightmares she ever had. Marrying Beast Boy? She shuddered. He'd be dead before they even left their little prison.
The boys were huddled in a corner, probably trying to come up with an escape plan. None of them noticed she was awake, which suited her just fine. Raven didn't need one of them pestering her about The Dream. With a sigh, she tried going back to sleep, but every time she tried, flashes of her dream danced before her eyes. Raven groaned and decided to just stare out the transparent bubble.
The water outside might as well had been ink. Black, black, and-just for kicks-more black. It scared her a little, but all fear was shoved out of her mind as her eyelids began drooping again...
"What" Raven asked with forced pleasantries. Cyborg's face cracked into a wide grin.
"We're gonna have a baby," he announced proudly. Her eyes almost blew themselves clear out of their sockets, but luckily he whipped out a blue print of another car. "It's going to be the finest thing I'll ever build-and it's all going to be because of you."
She felt a vague urge to throw up on the spot. Instead, she cracked a smile. "That's... lovely."
"Pass me the monkey wrench."
She sighed and telekinetically shoved the monkey wrench into his hand. Tweak. Tweak. Tweak.
A page ruffled...
Eyebrow twitch. She tossed him a screwdriver.
Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. SCREEEEE-EEEECH.
...any more of this and she'd go crazy.
She passed it.
"Give me the-"
She passed it.
She passed it.
With a flick of her wrist, Raven ripped Cyborg into pieces. One of his arms flung into the car, making a horrible clanging noise that just wouldn't stop, no matter how much she tried to. It was making here ears ring. All she could hear was "BANG. BANG. BANG-"
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
Raven's eyes flew open. Cyborg stood over her, shaking her shoulders. Every now and then his metal fingers would hit the walls of the jail.
"Raven! You alright?" He asked, genuinely concerned. She nodded.
"You can stop shaking me now," she said. Cyborg let go sheepishly. "What happened?"
"Robin's utility belt began strangling Beast Boy," Cyborg explained. "You were tossing around in your sleep, so I thought..."
"Trigon?" Raven smiled cynically. "No, but what I dreamed was more horrible than him."
He looked at her, his forehead creased in worry. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She considered saying yes, but shook her head. How was she supposed to tell him that she dreamed of them being married and having a baby?
"Go back to sleep," she said, as Robin's birdarang scratched at the dome. Cyborg shrugged and left her alone. Raven rubbed the bridge of her nose. What sort of dream was that? It wasn't as bad as Beast Boy's dream, just... terribly dull. So dull that thinking about it made her want to fall back to sleep... how could a guy be that obsessed with cars?
"You all right, Raven?" Robin asked, not looking up from his newspaper clippings.
"No," she said stiffly. "Starfire just threw me over Titans Tower."
"Did she?" Robin looked up. "Well, I guess that's my fault."
"Of course it is. You just had to marry me without telling her." Raven limped over to Robin's desk. "Looking for Slade"
Robin's eyes widened from behind his mask. "How did you know?"
Raven just shook her head. "You're getting predictable in your old age."
"It was nice of you to take me to the café, but you didn't have to."
She was seriously considering dying from embarrassment. Between Robin's cheesy one-liners to his walking human traffic light uniform and his strange mood swings, it was just... embarrassing. And now she was attempting to harass him off the stage before Robin embarrassed himself with his horrendous poetry.
"C'mon, Raven" he said with a grin. "You always go here, so I figured that-"
"'Birds of feather flock together'?" Raven finished with a cynical smile. "Not for poetry."
"I used to live with Batman," he told her formally. "I can hold my own here." Robin took microphone, and cleared his throat.
"There are bees, and there are flowers
But with just one hour!
I got the girl, saved my mask
Believe me, it was no easy task
So to my wife, Raven, this poem I dedicate to you
And your two eyes blue."
Robin bowed. Raven could feel people staring in stunned silence, and tried to disappear.
Damn his competitive streak.
"Remind me to never take you to another café ever again."
"Agreed," he said, nodding. "What about an educational game of chess instead?"
"With champagne, my Prince?"
"I wouldn't mind that. When?"
Robin licked his lips and leaned a little closer. Come to think of it, Robin wasn't that bad looking... he had the entire mystery man appeal going for him, and with that body, it was a miracle anyone could resist him...
"Right now," he whispered, "would be good."
She opened her eyes and was greeted by the oh-so-obnoxious morning sunlight. Oh, how pleasant. The good thing was, she couldn't see Robin anywhere. With a lethargic sigh, Raven stretched and her hands hit something soft. Something that felt like gelled hair. With a start, Raven moved her hand down, and felt something harder and a lot warmer. Terror suddenly filled her mind. She jerked her hand back and tore the blankets off the bed.
Robin was on her bed. Naked. To make things even worse, she was also stark naked. Just before she started hyperventilating, she realized something else. Something more terrifying than all of the previous elements put together, multiplied by sixteen, and squared.
Robin wasn't wearing his mask.
'Okay, Raven,' she thought, attempting to regain her wits. 'Don't panic. I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this-'
Robin sat up suddenly, and grinned goofily. "So do you want to give it another go?"
She did the most sensible thing she could think of: she screamed.
"AHHHHH!" Raven screamed. Her entire body shook like the water after a mountain fell on it, and she was breathing hard. That was even worse than the Beast Boy dream! At least in those she didn't have sex with him.
"Raven" Robin suddenly appeared at her side. Oh, the irony of it all. She was ready to toss him on the other side of the jail when suddenly the lights turned on. Not Cyborg's built in flashlight, or Robin's cheap Bat-light (what sort of lame name was that, anyway?), but a horribly blinding light. By the time their eyes stopped burning, the bubble had fallen apart, and revealing a dank cave now entirely drained of water. Dead fish littered the ground where they stood. Two guards faced them, both looking dourly disappointed. The first mumbled something in Kryptonian. The Titans all looked at Cyborg with giant question marks above their foreheads.
"He said we're free to go," the robot translated. Robin's brow creased.
"Ask him why" he commanded. Cyborg nodded and barked out some gibberish. The guards looked at each other, and stepped aside revealing...
"Starfire!" Robin said, obviously shocked. "How did you find us?"
Starfire only continued grinning like a maniac. "How could I have let wife Raven go on such a horrible, dangerous camping trip? I asked Honorary Titan Aqualad for some help, and now I have found you, wife Raven, I must engage in our traditional reunion..."
Raven didn't like the way Star was saying that last bit. Not one bit.The alien flew over to the empath, tilted her head back, murmured something that sounded like an apology and that it was just an act, and kissed her-and there was absolutely nothing platonic about it.
"And then I blacked out," Raven concluded, rubbing her temples.
Aqualad was howling with laughter as Raven finished her tale of woe. Tears leaked at the corners of his eyes.
"I would have paid to see that," he said between laughs. "That was absolutely..."
"Say one word and I'll rip that pretty boy head of yours off," Raven growled. Aqualad flashed her his charming, knee wobbling smile.
"It's nice to see you out of your room," he chuckled. "You've only been there for what, three days?"
"Four," Raven corrected. Aqualad burst out into peels of laughter again. She sighed and toyed with a hole in the couch, waiting for Aqualad to finish laughing. Starfire, if she remembered correctly, accidentally blasted a hole in it a few weeks ago in a moment of over excitability. And when would Aqualad stop laughing! Finally, after a good ten minutes, he stopped and took a deep breath. They sat in silence for a while, and for that, Raven was thankful. She didn't want any more discussion about that subject for as long as she lived.
"It does make you wonder," Aqualad started, looking thoughtful. His skin was beginning to dry out from the lack of water. Parts of his face was beginning to crack and bleed. With any luck, he'd be back in the ocean as soon as possible. "If you had to marry one of them, who would you pick?" He got up. "I have to go back to Atlantis now. I'll stop by later tonight to talk with the rest of the Titans about their version of the adventure. Bye Raven."
Raven nodded mutely as Aqualad jumped out the open window and dived into the water. The Atlantean had a point: if she did have to marry one of them, who would she have chosen? Beast Boy's antics, Cyborg's cars, Robin's...
...hmm. Robin. Maybe later when she felt like it.