Because I love you
Author: adriana –hikari–
Title: Because I love you
Date: November 22nd, 24th, 26th, 2003.
Disclaimer: You know, you know, don't make me remember…. Shaman King doesn't belong to me.
Classification: angst/drama and romance.
Warning: Over-dramatized… as always, I think that is not something new but….ñ.ñ I thought you could be warned about that. Um, this time I'll have the great Anna Kyouyama angsty, just a little.
Dedicated to: To my imouto Inuko-chan (ginny), Battou-chan (yuri), and my cousin Ili.
A/N: This is kinda depressing, kinda dark, but filled with love and drama all the way. A really weird way of seeing the Anna/Yoh relationship. Really, really WEIRD.... I hope you like this, though, and that you could explain me what the hell was going through my mind when I wrote this. READ AND REVIEW!! I'm not kidding, you MUST review!!!
"Love is the difficult realization
that something other than oneself is real."
-- Iris Murdock
Because I love you, I must be strong for you…
The sun is already setting; it is beautifully shining in red and orange colors, and so painting the skies in soft tones. The warm rays are touching my cheeks vaguely. I stand at the top of the hill, watching you quietly. This time there is no frown in my pale face, for you have improved since the last time and you've shown you are good enough… for today.
Yet the calm features are there as always, unchanging. Maybe even a soft smile is playing in my lips, but I don't mind, you aren't looking anyway. No, that would be a sign of weakness and I can't let you take advantage of that to reduce the training, or anything else.
You turn around and I get startled a little, but in no time I look as serene as before. The smile, if it had been there anyway, disappears completely. All of this goes unnoticed to you though, as I can tell.
You look at me, surprised to see me there, since a couple months from now I have almost always stayed at the house while you trained daily. Our house, the old, rusted inn you… we like to call home since a few years ago. Then, I catch the nervous, almost frightened glance you throw at me, and I know you are studying my mood.
Nothing has changed…
Soon after, when you are sure I am not mad, you smile, and widely, at me.
No, not at all.
And yet, seeing your smile still makes me feel that my heart is being constricted and broken into pieces, like the times when a mirror turns into tiny glasses with sharp edges. I can't even breathe, but I am sure that my lungs are full, so much that they might even explode. My cheeks are burning and my eyes shake a bit.
But I don't hesitate.
I can vaguely hear you when you dismiss your power spirit. With a placid smile and a polite bow to you, his master, and to me, his mistress, he goes off, surely enough to wander around the cemetery like he uses to. It has recently has been his favorite place, for he has gotten attached to stargazing. You certainly have rubbed your 'slacking abilities', as I like to call them, onto him.
I look sharply at you when you climb up the hill to greet me, and then brush past you without even turning around to say something in response. You sigh deeply, the smile weakening a little, and start walking, or else, slurring your way behind me. I start pacing just a little faster, the clacking of my sandals sounding louder than before.
You call my name asking to slow down as you try to catch your breath. But I don't slow down. I simply can't... I won't, the same way as I won't ever let you reach me. For I know my touch is cold, freezing, and I'll only get you farther from me than where you are. That is, if I'm not doing it already. No, I can't be… And, also, this is for the best, for you, for me, for both of us...
I try to reassure myself it is true, as I've always done.
The way home is quiet, slightly disturbed by the clacking of wooden sandals, our own, and nothing else. I get near the house, with you by my side, and as we finally get in front of it, you run just a little ahead of me to open the gates and let me in. The stunningly, sheepish smile of yours returns to your face, making you look somewhat distracted and goofy, and there is that feeling again...
I merely nod and walk in through the door, leaving my sandals at the genkan, and I start climbing up the stairs straight to my room. The halls seem so long and lonely…
I close the shoji door behind me, lean onto it a little, and sigh deeply. I walk over in front of my mirror, a beautiful mirror with a frame in a nice shade of blue. It is the same mirror that I made you buy for me the last time we went shopping one summer ago. It was in those rare times when we went on trips to the mall.
I quickly pull the long, red bandana away from my head, I'm not using it on my neck this time and decided to use it once again to gather my hair. The honey blond tresses fall over my face loosely. I wipe away something wet and salty from the corner of my eye as I remove the blue beads from around my wrist and neck. I leave them, my most beloved possession, my trustful weapons, inside the drawer of the small desk near the mirror.
I take off the sleeve-less, black dress and change into a warmer yukata and put on tiny white, socks. I don't wear the tabi unless it is bedtime, so I guess I'll sleep earlier today. I don't know, it isn't like I have anything else to do. As soon as the futon is ready on the floor, I plop myself onto it and lay there to find myself staring at the ceiling, though my eyes are looking blank. The tiny cracks are not as interesting as I thought they would be, so I turn around to face my room's door.
I close my eyelids fully, deciding to finally rest a bit. It had been a long day, after all. Just then, I hear the noises outside, and I hastily open my eyes again. There is a silhouette behind the shoji, a scrawny boy, with spiky, and surely brownish, hair, and something around his face, what must be the faithful, cordless headphones. His head is bent low, his whole body sliding down against the paper wall, leaning onto it and sitting on the floor, but that's all I can see. It is you of course.
I gasp without being aware of doing so, and then is when you notice that I know you are there, for you start to speak. I fail miserably to control the silent tears as you start asking questions. Questions I'm not sure being able to respond. Your voice is low, but I can hear you clearly.
"Why, Anna? Why do you keep yourself away from me and the others, or why won't you ever let me into your world?"
A simple question with so many answers that I don't know how to begin.
Though every answer, I am sure, won't seem reasonable enough for you. No, you are my fiancé and I know you well, I hope so at least…
"Why don't you let me in? Why, if you are my Anna, and I am your Yoh?" you continue asking, the words clearer than moments before, when your voice had sounded unsure, uncertain, "I try hard, very hard, to please you, to do whatever you want me to, to make you happy. I'll do anything, anything just to see you smile. Anna, I'll do anything for you, only for you."
I rub me eyes harshly with my hand when you pause, as if you are trying to find the words to say.
"Why do you let me aside…? Do you even care at all about what happens to me? Being the Shaman King is the only thing I've been striving for, so maybe I can be worthy enough…"
And I have the sudden urge to tell you that I do care, so much I can't handle this emotion anymore, but you don't need to know. Not now. I clench my hands and shake off those thoughts.
So many questions… please stop.
"But is that the only thing that matters? Are you with me only for the engagement? Sometimes… I think it would be better if I let you free… I wonder if it would make you happy. I know that if it does, I will do it gladly, but it would hurt so much…"
'No! Don't leave me!'
"Yoh…" I say your name in a hushed way and soon I try to stop myself from doing anything stupid, like saying the truth, saying that I…
I walk up to the shoji and slide it open, and you stumble a little, almost falling at my feet. You look at me, -not surprised, not afraid, not angered, not happy either- your face serene and your expression unreadable…
I bend myself and sit beside you, the trails of the tears barely visible but my eyes still red, and we don't speak for a couple of minutes. That is until you put your arm around my shoulders and bring me closer as I gasp.
I don't move, but my breathing is going a little faster than before and my heart starts pounding hard, silently. I hear your own breathing, feel it warm against my neck. I let my head rest in your chest, leaning a little over you, not even wondering about what you are thinking right now.
You say then, breaking the suddenly comfortable silence, that you simply can't understand…
"Why can't you even let me love you…?" you sigh deeply, "Why can't you, my dear Anna?"
You hug me tighter and rest your own head on top of mine. I turn mute. My eyes begin to water but I hold the tears back. I will not cry. I'm not crying again, not in front of you... that would be the worst thing I could do now.
Why, you ask?
Because I love you.
And somehow, my words reach you in a whisper.