Thank you to ALL my reviewers and to ALL my readers!
Disclaimer: I do not have the right to any Harry Potter characters and themes, that great honor belongs to J.K. Rowling. But I like to borrow them.
Thank you to Merlin and GoldenSunnyGrl for being such great BETA'S.
God he hated this. Hated this with a passion that he could not ignore. Hated the fights, hated the anger, hated the passion that only he felt. Hated it! Hated it! Hated it!
Why things had to end up this way he would never know. It was as if fate was laughing at him, having a great old time rolling on the floor laughing it's arse off.
Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizard World, Killer of the Great Dark Lord, The Boy Who Lived Thrice, was in love.
In love with a Death Eater's child.
In love with a Spy for the Light.
In love with a Slytherin.
In love with a male.
In love with a beautiful man who would never, ever know.
Harry Potter was in love with someone who despised him to the point of death.
Harry Potter was in love with someone who would never return that love.
Harry Potter was in love with Draco Malfoy.
See why he hated it!
As he stood at the edge of the lake Harry felt the over whelming sadness of his situation overcome him. He turned to look back at the castle he had called home for the last eight years. He sighed at the fear of leaving but knew he would have too. With Dumbledore gone, Professor Snape had been offered the position of Headmaster and he had accepted. His first act as Headmaster had been to appoint Draco Malfoy as the Potions Professor. Harry, being a Professor at Hogwarts for the last year, had declined a renewal of his contract when he had found out.
He could not stay here and be this close to Malfoy and be able to function in any capacity that would do anyone any good, the panic would not let him. So, Harry had tendered his resignation and had made plans to travel. See the world, so to speak. It being safe now for him to actually walk around without fifty bodyguards following his every move, he was planning to take full advantage of it. He squashed the feeling of panic that tried to rise in him. Lately he had been having more and more trouble resisting the rise of panic he was feeling. He didn't know why and different things tended to start the panic rising, all he knew was that he could not handle much more without going insane.
He had talked to the Headmaster just this morning and though Snape had not been pleased, he had accepted Harry's decision. Harry had owled Ron before walking out to the lake. Ron knew the secret that Harry was hiding. He had found out from Hermione right before she had been killed in the last battle. Her dying wish was that Ron not hate Harry for loving Malfoy. And Ron would do anything for Hermione.
A year later and Ron was still supportive of Harry but did not agree with his decision to never tell Malfoy how he felt. Harry's only reply to that was Draco Malfoy was obviously straight so Harry would just rather he never found out, humiliation not being something he wanted to experience right then. Ron's muttered 'if Malfoy is straight than I am a pig' went unnoticed by his hurting best friend.
Hearing his name being called he turned to see Hagrid limping towards him. Not wanting to tire the half-giant Harry ran to him.
"Got a visitor, you do Harry. In the room by the Great Hall." Hagrid said.
"Thanks Hagrid. Feeling better today?" He asked quietly as the two men headed back towards the castle.
"Leg's a bit temp'ry today but I am good." He grumbled in his deep voice.
Harry smiled gently at his friend. "Good to hear it."
"Going flying later?"
"Uuummm no I am not. I will be packing later." Harry said softly with a sheepish look on his face, he had forgotten to tell Hagrid he was leaving.
"Packing? But Harry school is about to start you can't be going on vacation now." Hagrid exclaimed.
"I am not going on vacation Hagrid. I no longer am a Professor here." Harry softly said.
"What! Snape fired you?" Hagrid yelled.
Harry chuckled softly, "No, Hagrid, Snape did not fire me. I just think it was time I left Hogwarts. Get a life of my own, so to speak."
"If you are sure Harry." Hagrid said but his tone was not an agreeing one.
"I am." was his quiet reply.
"Well, don't be a stranger you hear. You come visit me every now and then."
"I will Hagrid. I promise." Harry agreed softly.
As the two passed through the doors in the hall they said their goodbyes. Harry was rubbing his shoulder after Hagrid's rather enthusiastic hug as he walked into the meeting room. Looking around he saw no one there. Hagrid did say that there was someone waiting for him in the room by the Great Hall he was sure of it. Harry turned to leave when he heard a sound coming from a dark corner. Before a second could pass Harry's wand was drawn, pointed, and a lumos spell falling from his lips.
"I see you haven't lost your touch Potter." From the shadows came the voice of the one person in this world Harry didn't want to be facing, Draco Malfoy.
Reaching deep into himself Harry called up anger and managed a fair sneer before speaking quietly, "Still hiding in the shadows, Malfoy?"
"Hard habit to break, I guess." The blonde Potions Master said with a shrug of his expensively clad shoulders.
Harry watched him carefully. This was a side of Malfoy he had never seen before. Malfoy had never made fun of himself, ever. Not in the eight years he had known him. Harry did not want to see this side of Malfoy. He was having a hard enough time as it was and to finally get to see the human side of him was nothing but pure torture. He really had to get out of here!
Harry said nothing in reply just turned to leave the now small feeling room. He could somehow feel the walls closing in on him and he was not the least bit claustrophobic even after spending the first eleven years of his life in a cupboard. As he got to the door the soft husky voice of the man now standing right behind him stopped him cold.
"Leaving so soon?" Came the soft silky voice of the man he desperately needed to love him but knew never would. He could feel the heat from his body as he was standing so close behind him. He wanted to shed his cloak of coldness and sink into the heat that was Draco Malfoy. Biting his lip hard he forced himself to leave.
Without turning Harry answered quietly trying to keep his voice even, "I have to pack. Nice seeing you again Malfoy." Harry walked out of the room and hurried to his quarters.
As he walked in he shut his door and leaning against it cast a few locking and silencing charms before he let himself break down. He could not stop the sobs that racked his body or the fear that seeing him again had brought back to the surface. God! It hurt to have these feelings. It hurt to have these feelings and know that they were not returned.
Harry fell to his knees where he stood leaning against the door and let the tears flow. He knew from past experience that trying not to cry was harder that just letting the tears come and then when they were gone dealing with the fallout. He ignored the fact that he was sitting on his floor crying over a man that would never know what he did to him. All he wanted was to get out of here. A few sobs, and many minutes, later and Harry was done crying. He forced himself to get up and finish packing. The faster he got out of here the faster he could get on with his new life.
Packing the last of his things Harry glanced around the room that had been his for the last four years of his life. He smiled at all the memories he had of this one room. From Hermione reading at his desk to Ron and him playing chess on the couch. He would miss this place.
Sighing he reduced his trunk and put it in his pocket. Taking his cloak he placed it over his arm and with one final glance around the now empty room he left closing the door softly. He kept his head down as he walked down the corridor. He really didn't want to leave the only real home that he had ever known.
He made it through the doors and as he stepped off the last step he turned to take a last look at the castle. He smiled softly and then walked far enough to get past the apperation wards before apperating to the steps of Kings Cross Station. As he walked through the barrier he thought he heard his name being called but dismissed it quickly. Besides, he really had no one he wanted to talk too.
He got a cab quickly and giving the address of the airport he leaned his head back and let out a huge sigh. Here I come, he thought with an internal laugh, watch out America!
Just to let ya'll know I haven't stop writing I Understand. This has been sitting on my computer for a while and I thought it was a good time to get it out. I hope that you will enjoy it just as much as you do my others.