AUTHOR'S NOTE: I realize that it's five days short of being four years and two months since I originally wrote Misato's Revenge. A lot has happened since then, and I've written probably two thousand pages of stories since then…but I've never been able to finish this one.
Reasons? Hard to say. One was that I didn't know how to finish it. I mean, Misato got her revenge, right? What else needed to be said? (A lot.) Another reason that everyone who's reviewed this story—all 67 of you—told me that it was so epic a tale (in so many words) that I was afraid that some half-assed ending would ruin the whole thing. And when I got a good idea how to finish it, either I was away from the computer—occasionally, more than 2000 miles away, at an anime convention—or I'd take one look at it and say, "Nah, not tonight," and go write on my Snowbird stories or Inu-Yasha or Evangelion Evolution. Then I'd usually just forget the story existed, only to be reminded four or five months later when someone reviewed it and said, "You need to finish this!" starting the whole process again.
Well, tonight the stars must've aligned just right. I was in front of my computer, bored, taking a month's hiatus from the rather bleak turn my Snowbird stories have taken and not really in the mood to write Inu-Yasha silliness (though that's something else I need to do). I took a walk to clear the mind, got to thinking, "Hey, maybe Misato can say this to Asuka"…and the result is on your computer screen. I like it, I don't think it's tragically lame, and I laughed while I was writing—which, by the way, is the secret to writing comedy.
So, here you go, all of you who read the story. I wish I could list the names of the people who reviewed and kept bugging me to finish, but this is for you—all of you.
Now if I can only finish Evolution or The Eva Matrix Regurgitated or Stand Your Ground or The Hunters and the Hunted or The Race of the Snowbirds or Down the Well…
DISCLAIMER: Drinking is bad, so don't do it, mmmkay? Otherwise, you might end up like Rei and Asuka in this story…or worse, Misato. And you know what happened to Misato.
DISCLAIMER II: This story is rated PG-13 for mild language, mild sexual overtones, text-based nudity, being gross, cliched jokes, and being four years late. (Actually, the four years thing might be a record between updates. Take that, Michael Phelps!)
DISCLAIMER III: Riana Arashikaze is a SI character from Evangelion Evolution who really has no business being in this story. But she's probably bored considering her story hasn't been updated for almost a year now. I need to find a job where I can sit around, do nothing but write fanfics, and get paid for it, but I'm too young to be President.
Shinji woke to an unfamiliar ceiling. Actually, he reflected, it wasn't that unfamiliar, since he was getting on a first-name basis with the hospital room ceiling lately. He reached up to a mildly throbbing headache and realized there was a bandage on his forehead.
"Are we awake?" Misato stood over him with a smile.
"I think so." Shinji tried to sit up, but Misato gently pushed him back down. "Take it easy," she told him, "you've got a mild concussion."
"Uhh…I can believe that." The room had started to slowly whirl, so Shinji closed his eyes and tried to relax. "What happened? I remember slipping and hitting the floor…"
"You came to, and you and I and Rei and Asuka had a big orgy."
Shinji's eyes flew open. "We what?!"
Misato laughed. "Oh, Shinji, you're so easy to mess with. I'm just kidding. Nothing happened—at least after I got there. I don't know what you were doing with Rei and Asuka, though."
"It's nothing like that!" Shinji explained what had happened. Misato sat on the bed and nodded when he finished his story, turning semi-serious. "I thought that was probably it," she said. She waved her hands at him. "It was all just a big misunderstanding. Still, it was useful for me to see what the pilots' true feelings are for each other."
"T-True feelings?" Shinji stammered. He liked Rei and Asuka, but he wasn't quite sure if he held anything more for Rei than sibling-like affection. As for Asuka, that was such a tangle of emotions that he didn't know where to start.
"Sure. Despite all of Rei's emotionlessness, she's actually pretty warm-hearted deep down, Shin-chan. You might want to keep that in mind." Misato smirked. "Asuka…well…she likes you a lot, Shinji. She treats you like crap sometimes because she's afraid to be hurt again."
That made no sense to Shinji, but he had given up trying to figure out the female gender a long time ago. He abruptly realized something. "Uh, Misato…why am I naked?"
"Your clothes were saturated with the, uh, whiskey stuff. It's absorbed through the skin, so we had to strip all three of you down. As soon as I'm done here, you need to take a shower."
"Why? It's probably already worked its way in!" Shinji began to panic. Misato was a damn attractive woman, and the last thing he wanted was for his brain to suddenly switch off and his hormones take over.
"Take it easy, Shin-chan. You were exposed to the chemical for a pretty short time, and didn't ingest it directly like Rei and Asuka. The shower's just a precaution."
That made sense, Shinji considered. Besides, he did feel like he had already taken a shower—in Coke. He felt sticky and smelled like he had fallen into a vat of formaldehyde. Misato didn't seem to notice, but her nose was pretty used to the scent of alcohol.
Misato stood up, ruffled Shinji's hair affectionately, and smiled. "Glad you're all right," she said seriously, then left. Shinji noticed that she had the whiskey bottle with her, and it was full. Oh well, Shinji thought, if anyone knows what to do with that stuff, it's Misato. Everything will be okay now. He only hoped that Rei and Asuka didn't remember what had happened, though the Sachiel voice snickered in his mind and told Shinji he now had dirt on his fellow pilots to be used when he wished. That could be a real problem if they did remember, especially Asuka, but on the whole, Shinji considered himself lucky. Being within a kilometer of a maddened, drunken Rei armed with a butcher knife and living to tell about it was a Very Good Thing, and Asuka had neither beat him senseless nor smothered him to death with her lips. Though, Shinji thought with a small smile, that part had been kinda fun. Still, I'm just glad it's over. That was really surreal, he told himself as he slipped out of the bed, found a small towel, and folded it around his middle as he headed for the shower. He hesitated for a moment before opening the door: in the NERV hospital wing, the rooms shared communal bathrooms. If he were to run into Asuka coming out of the shower—or, all the Shinto gods forbid, Rei—he would begin to suspect that reality had warped and he was simply in some bad fanfic or something.
He opened the door and walked in, only to hear a feminine squeak. Shinji's eyes widened at the sight of so much exposed female flesh and meat byproducts standing in front of him. Riana Arashikaze, standing half in and half out of a shower stall, brought up a towel in front of her…too late. "Oh my God!" she shrilled. "Shinji! I am so sorry! I was in the Eva bay, and some Deux Ex Machina LCL fell on me, and…"
Shinji just sighed, and wondered why the author had to torment him so.
Rei was awake when Misato came to her room, across the hall and down the way from Shinji's. "How are you feeling?" Misato asked.
Rei Ayanami never looked healthy to begin with, but her normally pale skin had taken on a poisonous shade of light green. "Not well," she reported. "I have thrown up twice in the last half hour alone. The lights are no brighter than usual and I feel as if they are boring into my brain. I know that I have 10,457 strands of hair because they all hurt." She looked up at Misato from her bed, and Misato actually felt a rare emotion towards Rei—sympathy. She remembered after one night, when she had managed to drink Kaji under the table in college, she had collapsed on the front lawn of her dorm and held on for dear life to the grass for fear of being flung off the planet. The spectacular hangover from that drunk had lasted three days, and as a result, Misato no longer feared death.
"I want to die, Major Katsuragi," Rei begged. "There are others who can replace me…please…you must kill me…"
Misato gently stroked Rei's hair. "Now, now, Rei, that's no way to be. Trust me, I've been where you are, and you'll get better."
Rei actually looked like she might cry. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Major Katsuragi...please don't tell the Commander what I did."
"You remember what happened?"
"Yes. All of it."
Misato shrugged. "Hey, don't worry about it, Rei. The Commander's been known to tie one on now and then." That was true, too. Gendo Ikari had been a boozer in college; Ritsuko had told Misato a few tangy tales when the doctor was a bit too far in her own cups. "I'm sure he'll understand." Mainly because he'll probably settle for killing me, Misato thought morosely. "Besides, Shinji's too much of a gentleman to go spreading stories. As for Asuka…" Misato grinned at her. "Well, I think you've proven that you're no emotionless doll." Misato wasn't sure that acting like Chucky was going to convince Asuka much, but she would bet money that the fiery German would tone back her snide comments at Rei for a long time to come.
Rei seemed to brighten as much as she ever did. "Thank you, Major," she whispered. "But I still feel awful."
"Here." Misato reached into the inside pocket of her jacket, producing a small flask. "Hair of the dog. This should make you feel better." She very gently patted Rei's shoulder, hoped she was doing the right thing, and left.
Rei looked at the flask for a moment, then unscrewed the top and took a little sip. It felt like liquid fire, but it was good liquid fire. Instantly, she began to feel better, so much that she took another drink, a deeper one. She actually smiled, but then her hands shot to her mouth. With speed Cheetara would be proud to call her own, Rei dashed for the bathroom (Not the one occupied by Shinji and Riana. This isn't a lemon, you perverts—Author) as her stomach told her she had just made a very big mistake.
Misato had the look of a cruel fiend as she opened the door to Asuka's room. "Hi, Asuka!" she shouted, and slammed the door behind her. Asuka, curled up into a fetal ball beneath the covers, only shuddered. "And how are we feeling today? Want some light?" Misato flung open the curtains, letting in the artificial light from the Geofront into the room. Asuka recoiled from the light like a vampire.
"Misato," Asuka whimpered, "please…shut the curtains…quit shouting…"
Misato closed the curtains and sauntered over to the bed. "Feeling any better?" she said in a normal voice.
"No…I have never felt so bad in my entire life. Please quit shouting, Misato."
The Major dropped her voice a little further. "All right, Asuka. How much do you remember?"
"I don't know," Asuka whined. "It hurts to think."
"So you don't remember anything you did with Shinji."
Asuka, who to this point had kept her eyes tightly shut, slowly opened them, and they were filled with horror. "No."
"You don't remember taking your clothes off?"
Asuka's eyes widened. "No," she said in a small voice.
"You don't remember taking Shinji's clothes off?"
"No." She nervously swallowed.
"You don't remember taking Rei's clothes off?"
Asuka's eyes were now as big as Sailor Moon's. "No…oh, noooo…"
Her voice was so pitiful that Misato decided she'd taken things far enough. "Relax," Misato said soothingly. "I'm just messing with you. You didn't take Rei's clothes off, you only got Shinji's shirt off, and you still had your clothes on when I got there." It had only been her underwear, and skimpy underwear that a 16 year old shouldn't be wearing, but Misato considered herself Lawful Good and decided not to mention that.
"I hate you," Asuka groaned.
"You shouldn't," Misato told her. "I think you should take away a lesson from all this."
"And what would that be, sempai?" Asuka's voice dripped sarcasm.
Misato was actually glad to see that, because it meant Asuka was feeling better, but bent down to where her nose was nearly touching Asuka's. "That old age and treachery will always beat youth and vigor." Misato straightened up, pulled the top off the bottle, and turned it up, chugging it. Asuka went as pale as Rei and reached out a hand in vain supplication to stop, but Misato did not stop until the bottle was gone. She sighed, smacked her lips, belched, and grinned wickedly at the girl before her. "I guess some people can't hold their liquor," she told Asuka, then stuck the bottle in her pants pocket and headed for the door.
Asuka's mouth opened and closed with no sound coming out for a moment, but then she found her voice. "You really are a sot, Misato!"
She actually said it with amazement, not with her usual snark, but it offended Misato nonetheless, and she decided to teach the Second Child another quick lesson in humility. "Hey, Asuka, want some breakfast?" She opened the door and glanced over her shoulder, thinking that she was Chaotic Good after all. "I'm having skunk's butt sauteed in snot!"
"Grusse Gott!" Asuka's hands shot to her mouth and she dashed for the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time. Shuddering after her stomach had emptied itself, Asuka realized there was someone else in the toilet—Rei, who barely stood over the sink, her eyes sunken holes in her face, arms trembling as they held her up. They looked at each other for a moment, Asuka's stomach gave another heave, and she collapsed to her knees, holding the toilet bowl like a long lost friend. Rei slowly sank to her own knees, reached over, and put her arm around Asuka. The other girl did the same around Rei's shoulders, sisters in misery if only for a few minutes. Or hours.
Ritsuko was waiting for Misato at the end of the infirmary's hall. "Proud of yourself?" the doctor remarked. Ritsuko was not at all happy.
Misato only smiled. "Damn right." She ticked off the points on her fingers. "Shinji gets a lesson in asserting himself, Rei gets a lesson on what happens when you suppress your feelings—she has them, Rits, you know that better than anyone—and Asuka gets a lesson that you don't screw with Misato Katsuragi!" Misato handed Ritsuko the empty bottle. Asuka would never know that Misato had carefully rinsed it out, repaired the crack with some super glue, and filled it with ginger ale, which had the same color and consistency as whiskey. It had taken every ounce of willpower Misato had to chug it down—not that she was unused to chugging, only that ginger ale wasn't very good to chug—but she had succeeded. Yes, she was quite proud of herself. She half-skipped down the hallway.
"And what do I tell Gendo?" Ritsuko yelled after her.
Misato turned and winked. "Tell him…tell him that all is going according to the scenario." She flashed a victory sign and was gone around the bend.