Author's Note: This is just a random, fairly pointless drabble I wrote when I was tired...but I like it. It's mild shounen-ai, DxLeon, just to warn everyone. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Pet Shop of Horrors, but I'd like to own Tet-chan. But of course that doesn't count.
"Why, Detective Orcot!" For some reason, Leon found himself ridiculously irritated by the Count's voice greeting him as he walked into the pet shop. "Have you come for tea?"
Leon scowled, then tried to hide it. "Uh...no. Not really."
Count D smiled. "No? Have you come to accuse me of something, then?"
"No!" Leon snapped. "Dammit, I didn't come on police business, and I definitely didn't come for your tea. That stuff could make your teeth rot out of your head!" He flopped down onto the couch. Tet-chan growled from underneath it. "Aww, shut it, ya stupid goat."
D managed to look puzzled. "Then, my dear detective, why-"
"Don't call me that!" Leon growled. "That is so annoying, you know that?"
The Count's face reacquired its usual smirk. "You've never said so before."
"Well, now I'm saying it!"
"Hmm." D picked up his own teacup and sipped at it. "So, why are you here then, Leon?"
Leon's stomach suddenly did something very odd, he wasn't sure exactly what. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted D calling him 'Leon' either. But, hell, it was his name, right? What else did he want to be called, for Christ's sake?
It was very disconcerting, the way D was looking at him. It was like the Count could read all of his thoughts, and knew exactly how Leon was feeling. Like he'd called him 'Leon' just to make him feel this way.
"Why the hell couldn't you be a woman?" Leon burst out.
Count D raised one eyebrow.
"I mean-" Leon shrugged, and put a hand to the back of his neck, a sure sign that he was embarrassed. "Uh-I mean, you look so-um-feminine, that-well, you know..."
The Count's smile grew slightly wider. "No, I believe I don't know. What point are you trying to make, Leon?"
Erg. There it was again. Leon knew he was being a total idiot. "Uh-I guess-you could have just as easily been born-uh-not a guy, and-well, you would make just as good a woman as a man. I mean, I almost thought you were-uh-female, at first..." Leon trailed off. "Fuck."
"Language, Leon," D reprimanded, but gently. There was a glint of amusement in his eyes. Leon wanted to strangle him or...something. "So, are you saying you want me to be a woman?"
"No!" Leon exclaimed vehemently. Again D raised an eyebrow. "Er-I mean-" Leon searched for some word, any word, that would get him out of this mess. "Dammit, D! You're just impossible, y'know that?"
The Count sipped at his tea again before responding. "Hmm. I probably did know, given that you've called me impossible at least once a week since we met."
"Well, it's true," Leon muttered, leaning back sullenly. "Dammit."
"Please stop cursing, Leon," D sighed. "You are certainly not the first man who has found me attractive."
Leon sputtered like a fish out of water. "What! I never said I found you attractive, just feminine! Jesus, you have an ego the size of Miami! That was not what I said, and you know it! You wear a dress, for crying out loud!"
"Cheongsam," D corrected.
"Yeah, whatever!" Leon snapped. "Kilt, kimono, or cheongthing, it's still a dress! Guys have no business wearing dresses!"
"Ah, yes, but my dear detective-" D held up a hand before Leon could protest the nickname again. Then he smiled, showing pointed canines. "-how do you know for sure that I am not a woman?"
This was not something Leon had ever, ever considered. Well, considered it, sure, but not seriously. He stared at Count D as though seeing him for the first time. "Holy fucking shit! Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"Mmm," D said, and picked his teacup delicately up once more. "Language, Leon."
Leon gaped at him. "Mmm? Mmm? What the hell does that mean? Language, Leon!? Jesus Christ!"
"You do get so worked up, Detective" D informed him, the barest shadow of a smile flickering over his features. "It can't be good for your health."
"Worked up? You just told me you might be a woman! I think I deserve to be worked up!"
"Mmm," D repeated.
"Fine!" Leon exploded. "Fine, then! If you won't tell me what the fuck you meant by that-" D winced, and Leon pointedly ignored him. "-then I'll just eat these chocolates I brought myself!" D let out a little gasp. Leon felt perversely satisfied, having turned the tables on the Count. "No, I won't eat 'em! I hate the things! I'll just drop 'em down the sewer on my way home! How would you like that!?"
Count D looked like Leon had just said that he was planning a murder. His eyes were wide with horror. "They're not-Belgian chocolates?"
"They are," Leon announced. "And if you won't give me a straight fucking answer, they'll be gone!"
D looked ready to scream. "Detective Orcot, you can't!"
At that moment, Tet-chan decided that D would not enforce the 'no devouring the officer' rule. He tore out from under the couch. Leon jumped in surprise, and then pain as the totetsu latched onto his leg.
"Get it off, D!" he yelled. "Get your fucking goat from hell off of me!"
D shook a finger in Leon's direction. "Not unless you promise not to harm the chocolate in any way."
"It's gnawing my fucking leg off, D!" Leon yelped.
"Well, it is just a leg," D said. "I'm sure you could replace it."
"NO I CAN'T!" Leon bellowed. "I WON'T DO ANYTHING TO THE CHOCOLATE! JUST GET THIS THING-" he beat at Tet-chan, ineffectively. "THE HELL OFF!"
"Certainly," D beamed, now that he was assured of his chocolate's welfare. "Tet-chan, get off of Leon, now."
Before obeying, Tet-chan dug his teeth in a bit more. Leon barely held back a shriek.
"I mean it. Let go," D commanded. Tet-chan finally let go, and slunk out of the room, shooting a reproachful look at the Count.
"Jesus," Leon hissed, inspecting his leg. "Now my leg'll probably get infected! I could have that thing euthanized, you know," he told D warningly. "It's attacked a police officer more times than I can count!" Suddenly, Leon remembered what they had been talking about. "Jesus Christ, D! You aren't a woman, right? Right?!"
"Yes, my dear detective," Count D admitted with an amused smile. "Regardless of certain-ah-traits I am told I possess, I am not a woman."
"Thank God," Leon sighed. "You scared the living shit out of me!"
"Oh? I thought you said you wished I was female."
Leon choked. "Oh, fuck! I didn't mean-well-what I sounded like I meant!"
"No!" Leon shouted, hitting the arm of the couch with a fist. D didn't flinch. "All I meant was, you'd make a passable woman! That's it! And get that smug expression off your face, right now!"
"But Detective Orcot-" the Count started to say.
"But nothing," Leon stated firmly.
"I was only going to say," D said calmly, "you never did tell me why you came, if not to have tea or to arrest me."
Leon opened his mouth to answer, but found he couldn't think of anything to say. "Well, uh-I guess I'll leave, then." He got up.
"My chocolates?" D asked hopefully.
"Oh, right." Leon dug a small red box out of his coat pocket. "Here. Uh-enjoy 'em, I guess."
"Thank you so much," D gave him a genuine smile, as opposed to the one Leon had labeled his 'smug bastard smirk'. "Leon."
Leon muttered something unintelligible (even to himself), then turned to go. Then he spun around. "Wait. Just to make sure...you are a man, right?"
The Count gazed at Leon for a moment, then answered, perfectly solemnly, "No, my dear detective, I am not."
Leon's screech of "What?! D!!" could be heard by everyone in Chinatown.
Author's Note: I leave what happens next up to your imagination evil grin Comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated!