"Were you sleeping with Carter?"

"Were you sleeping with Kinsey?"

"I hate Kinsey."

"I hate Carter."

"She hates you, it's not the same thing."

"I'm working on it."

"So did you?"

"Only off-world. That doesn't count."

Weir looks like Carter who looks like Sara who looks like - shit - his mother. There's a memory in there of Daniel staring at a photograph and saying "Huh. For a minute there I thought that was Sam." He can't say he hadn't noticed. He's not that dumb. The woman he's fucking looks a lot like Carter. And? So? Therefore?

Of all the people on all the planets it was Jacob who said it first. His last words, actually.

"The funny thing about all this, Jack? You actually trust the Asgard."

But he wasn't really moved by that, because Jacob had a gun to his head and he's learned that people will say almost anything if they think it'll keep them alive. So he didn't ask what that was supposed to mean, or why the hell Jacob even cared.

What he said was, "Yeah. And so you know, about Sam? P4X-323 really moved for me, you know?"

And then he shot him.

The last thing Thor got to say was "Did you really think you were the best your species had to offer?"

And since he hadn't slept with anyone related to the little grey bastard, he just shrugged on that one.

They should probably have guessed. Really, it's the sort of thing you want to know before you help someone wipe out the mechanical spiders that've almost managed to kill them. Before you found out that they'd made the things to finish off whatever the Goa'uld Wars left behind.

Turns out that Carter had got really good at naquadah bombs.

After the first minor apocalypse he told Carter about Jacob.

Except that's not strictly true.

After the first minor apocalypse he presumably told her about Jacob, because that's when she developed the ability to pronounce 'sir' like 'scum'. Which sort of impressed him, all told.

OK, Jacob was her father, but he was still a Tok'ra. And Jacob was there and getting tortured for information really fucking hurts.

Rule number one of espionage is that anyone will crack if you hurt them enough. Rule number two is that if you know what they said you'd better run like hell if they escape.

After the second minor apocalypse there wasn't Daniel anymore. Not even beige, ascended, all-talk-no-action Daniel. His internal Daniel's still there though, all annoyingly moral and asking when the fuck this is all going to end.

The last thing Daniel translated was a page of the Ancient written down by Jack in the three days between getting taken out of the freezer and having his brain dry-cleaned by the Asgard.

It was a poem. A really, really bad one.

Once they'd managed to fight off the Tok'ra they had what has euphemistically become known as The Incident. Thor took some time out of his busy schedule of doing nothing to drop by and ask for the transcripts of the information his people had benevolently removed from Jack's brain. They were doing a pretty good job of explaining why humans weren't ready for that kind of knowledge until they got a bit too confident and mentioned a little earlier than planned that, oh yeah, they'd like the 'gate as well.

So they'd stalled, got kicked out of the Protected Planets, and broke five photocopiers before they handed over what was - yeah, totally, honest to god - everything they had.

He's still pretty proud of the fact that they got to keep the 'gate.

It's shallow, but the part that seems most fucked-up was that Daniel was sleeping with Carter.


"Umm. Yeah. Is that..."

"You're like evil twins. It's... wrong."

"She doesn't really hate you. Well, not as much as she says she does. I think."

"Stop changing the subject. It's... fuck, that means I've had sex with you by-proxy."

"I try not to think about that."

"She's probably thinking about me when you screw her, I hope you know that."

"Are you sleeping with Dr Weir?"

"Does it matter?"

"I'm only asking. You don't have to tell me."

"Carter's better."

Just before the first minor apocalypse they realised that the knowledge humans weren't ready have was that the Ancients really, really hated the Asgard.

Better late than never, right?

Last week was the third minor apocalypse and he spent it under a mountain with his back against a wall and Major Samantha Carter USAF going down on him like it was the end of the world. Which, OK, she probably thought it was.

"So, does that mean you don't hate me anymore?"

She slammed the door on her way out. That helped with the hating her thing. A little.

He wonders if he'll still be around for the end of the world. He suspects it's kind of over-rated.