Peculiar

One day, Pippin Took awoke from his slumber to the sound of screaming from the bathroom. Pippin rubbed his eyes and yawned. He rolled back over in bed, falling back asleep. 3 hours later Pippin got up, and went to use the bathroom.

Pippin stepped back in the door way, gasping. Merry lay on the floor, unmoving. Pippin grabbed Merry and shook him, but Merry would not wake up. "Oh, God, Merry! Oh, God! Somebody killed you! I swear to God, Merry, whoever did this, I'll kill them! Vengence!!" said Pippin, sobbing.

Pippin ran out of the bathroom, ate three meals as quickly as he could, and then ran outside.

Pippin looked around through his hazy tears and spotted Frodo. Frodo waved to him. "Hello, Pip!" said Frodo, as Pippin ran up to him. "Frodo!! A horrible thing has happened! Wait...a minute..." said Pippin, looking down at Frodo's hands and seeing them splattered with red. "Oh, my God! Frodo!!" said Pippin, backing up. "Huh?" said Frodo. Pippin was about to turn and run away when he realized he was supposed to get revenge. Pippin spun back around and swiftly kicked Frodo in the crotch. "Pipppiiinnn..." wheezed Frodo, a shocked expression on his face as he bent over. "You filth! How could you kill dear Merry?! Let's see how you like getting killed!" Pippin roared, enraged. He grabbed Frodo by the back of the coat and threw him into a tree. Pippin brushed his hands together. "There, he looks pretty dead to me." said Pippin, as Frodo lay on the ground, along with some cherry tomato seeds from his meal earlier.

Pippin trotted over to the bar. As Pippin was drinking some beer, Sam walked in. "I'm looking for the guy who beat up Mr. Frodo." Sam said, a very dark, no nonsense expression on his face. Pippin yelped and jumped out of his chair, barreling towards the back exit. "Ah, you must be the one!" said Sam, taking off after him. His sleeves were rolled up and he looked ready to kick some ass. Pippin tore out the back door, his hair flying behind him. Sam took the door in the face as it closed, then opened it. Sam ran outside after Pippin and started looking around for him.

"PIPPIN!! Just come out and take your lumps! Nobody beats up Mr. Frodo, ya hear?! I'm just gonna beat you up some, then you can go on your way. So where are you?!" said Sam. Suddenly, Pippin appeared from out of nowhere with a fallen tree branch and slammed Sam over the head with it. Sam fell over, his head thudding to the ground.

"Oh, my God, I'm a murderer! I killed Sam!" said Pippin. Pippin fled as fast as his feet could carry him.

"I must pay for my crime, but we haven't got a legal system! What am I gonna do?!" sobbed Pippin, running onwards mindlessly. Pippin stopped, finally, and decided murder must be punished. By death. Pippin nodded in sad resolution and went to get the rope.

Pippin had made a nice noose for himself and hung it from a tree in the woods. He sighed as he slipped it around his kneck while standing on a chair.

"Goodbye, Shire, goodbye cruel world." Pippin said, his eyes shut tightly and sweat on his brow. Pippin stood there for several minutes. "I can't do it!!" said Pippin. Suddenly, Sam came running into the forest. "There you are!" Sam said. Sam, too angry to realize what was going on, grabbed Pippin off the chair. Pippin didn't even register what was happening as the branch that was holding the rope cracked and fell on both of them, knocking them out.

Pippin awoke a little while later, his head aching. "Ooohh..." said Pippin. Pippin looked around and saw Sam. "Well, I'm dead, and here I am with Sam! We must both be ghosts..." said Pippin. Pippin threw off the rope and the tree branch and walked off.

"Now that I'm dead, I have to find Merry! I hope he's a ghost, too..." Pippin said. He started to search the Shire, looking for his friend.

Frodo, who was sitting on the ground with a bloody nose, looked up and saw Pippin running towards him. "Craapp!! Stay away from me!" said Frodo, standing up, fear written on his face. "Frodo! Oh, Frodo, you're a ghost too! Wait a minute! You murdering bastard! I'll kill you again!" Pippin said. Pippin ran at Frodo, and Frodo took off screaming with Pippin on his tail.

"Stay away!! Stay away!!" shrieked Frodo, in a panic. He looked back over his shoulder at the rampaging Pippin before slamming into another tree as he didn't watch where he was going.

Pippin stopped and looked down at Frodo, his hands on his hips. "Well, it looks like he's even more dead." said Pippin, nodding. Pippin headed off. Soon, Pippin went into the bar, thinking maybe Merry's ghost was hanging around in there.

When Pippin entered the bar, Rosie looked at him. "Back again?! I thought Sam just gave you a thrashing?" said Rosie. Pippin blinked, stupidly. "I'm a ghost." said Pippin. The bar laughed. Pippin looked around, in shock. "You can all see me?" he asked.

"Of course we can! You don't look like no ghost." said Rosie. "I must be a visible ghost." said Pippin, scratching his head. "If you're a ghost, how come I can touch you?" said some random hobbit, grabbing Pippin's arm. "Well, I don't know...Maybe I'm some kind of zombie!" said Pippin, and a fearful look came over his face. "Oh, my God! I don't want to be a zombie!!" said Pippin. Pippin ran around the bar crashing into things in his confusion, before Rosie stood in front of him. "Pippin, your trashing the bar!!" she said. "I don't care!! I'm a zombie, why should I care?!" said Pippin. "You're not a zombie!! You're still alive." said Rosie. "Really?" said Pippin. "Yes, you've got a pulse. See, Pip? All you have to do is check a pulse." said Rosie, feeling Pippin's wrist. "Well, what a relief, Rosie, I was afraid I was going to have to eat your brain." said Pippin. "But all's well, now, Pip!" said Rosie, smiling. Soon, Pippin left the bar.

Pippin went home. He started to sniffle as he remember Merry's corpse laying on the bathroom floor. "I shall go and tell him that I got Frodo for him." said Pippin.

Pippin went into the bathroom, only to find Merry sitting on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hand. "MERRY!!" exclaimed Pippin, utterly shocked.

Merry looked up at him. "Pippin, don't you ever knock before entering the bathroom?!" asked Merry. Pippin leapt on him, hugging him. "Uuggh! Stop it, Pip! I'm not in the mood for hugging! I've got...a problem..." said Merry. "Merry, you were dead!! How did you come back to life?! I can't believe it, it's a miracle!!" sobbed Pippin.

"What the hell are you talking about, Pip?!" said Merry, annoyed. "I saw you laying unconcious on the floor earlier." Pippin explained. "That was from when I bashed my head on the bathtub." said Merry, pointing to a big purple lump on his head. "Oooh..." said Pippin, looking at it. He touched it slightly. "Aaghh!! Get off!" said Merry.

"You mean, Merry, you were only..." said Pippin. "That's right, Pippin, it was just an accident, nothing fatal." said Merry. "Oh." said Pippin, frowning slightly. "But Pippin, the reason I hit my head...was because I was so in shock I fell over!" said Merry.

"In shock? From what?" asked Pippin, curiously. "Pippin...do you know about the birds and the bees?" said Merry. "The birds fly around and help us out sometimes when we're in trouble, the bees sting us." said Pippin. Merry slapped him. "No, fool! I'm talking about sex!" said Merry. "Oh. Yheah, I think so. My mom told me some stuff." said Pippin. "What did she tell you, Pip?" said Merry. "Um, something about storks and how...married women...they, uh, the storks put babies in the married woman's tummies and it happens in a bed and then later the woman goes to the hospital and the doctor...um...I think he pulls the baby out through her mouth!!" said Pippin. Merry looked at him for several moments.

Merry smacked the smiling Pip upside the head and then shook his head. "No, Pippin!! This is how babies are made..." said Merry, and proceeded to explain every detail of the facts of life to Pippin. "Oh...CRAP..." said Pippin, shocked.

"Anyway, remember what I told you about a woman's menstrual cycle?" said Merry. "It's not easy to forget." mused Pippin. "Well...the thing is, Pippin...the thing is...there's something I never told you about myself, Pippin..." said Merry. He shook his head and looked away, looking uncomfortable. "What is it, Merry? You can tell me anything." said Pippin.

Merry continued to look away as he went on. "I'm a hermaphrodite. Do you know what that means?" said Merry. Pippin stared at him, blankly. "It means, that I have both a male and a female anatomy. I'm a she-male!! I always was told that I was a sterile woman, that only my male parts worked. And I was fortune enough that I didn't really grow any cleavage. But now, now it turns out, my female parts DO WORK!!" said Merry, and he burst into tears.

"Merry...oh, man..." said Pippin. "I couldn't believe it, Pippin, but today I got a little present from aunt Flow. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do." said Merry. Pippin shook his head. "Gee, Merry, that's ok...I mean, it's no big deal." said Pippin. "It's not?" sniffled Merry, tears streaming down from his eyes. "No, it doesn't even matter." said Pippin, smiling.

"Really?" said Merry. "Sure!" said Pippin. "Oh, Pip!" said Merry, leaping up and embracing Pippin. "There, there, Merry! Everything's gonna be alright, now! Ahahahahahahahaha!!" said Pippin.

"You're always so understanding, Pippin! You're the best!!" laughed Merry, looking at Pippin, and then embracing him again. "No, YOU'RE the best Merry! I'm so happy you aren't dead!" said Pippin. "I love you, Pip!" said Merry. "I love you too!" said Pippin. They both laughed some more and then Merry flung his arms around Pippin tighter than ever. "Aaahh!" said Pippin. "Pippin, what would I do without you?!" said Merry. Suddenly they were kissing full on the lips.

The next day...

Pippin was out walking when Sam came up to him. "You're not off the hook, Took." said Sam, a dark glare on his face. "Get away from me! You're dead!" shrieked Pippin, alarmed. "Nah, I just got hit in the head. Now I'm gonna beat you up! How do you like it!" said Sam, producing a large stick from behind his back. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" said Pippin, turning around and running away.

Sam caught up with him and struck him in the head with the stick, knocking him out. Hours later, Pippin woke up. Frodo was standing there, staring down at him. "Are you ok, Pippin?" said Frodo, frowning. "I thought I killed you!" Pippin said, shocked and amazed. Frodo shook his head. "No, I'm ok." said Frodo. Pippin rubbed his head as he sat up. There was a screaming coming from somewhere. "What is that?" asked Pippin, looking around while still rubbing his head.

"That's Merry. I don't know what he's screaming about, but I was hoping you'd wake up so you could go talk to him. I think something's wrong with him." said Frodo. Pippin stood up after a few minutes and headed into the house to find Merry.

Merry was in the bathroom again, screaming at the top of his lungs. "What's wrong, Merry?" asked Pippin walking in through the door. Merry spun around, holding a small white rod up into Pippin's face. "THIS IS!! Look at it!! It's a plus sign!! A plus sign, you idiot!! I'm pregnant!!" said Merry. Pippin looked down at the test and then looked at Merry, then he shrieked and fainted, tumbling to the floor.

The end.