Letters to a Vampire

3: From Xander, With Respect

Summary: Xander admits his final begrudging respect of his least favorite vampire.

A/N: Suggestions and requests for other characters' letters are welcome!

Disclaimer: It never was, and never will be mine.



You saved the world.  It's really weird to being saying that, even now.  Spike saved the world.  Not to pick on the dead guy or anything, but I never expected that.  Out of everybody who was fighting the good fight, you were the last one I would have bet on to save the world.  And sacrifice yourself in the process too.  I never thought you had it in you.

I never liked you, Spike.  You know that, huh?  Was it the snide comments or the frequent saying of 'I don't like Spike' that tipped you off?  You were always an evil bloodsucker who somehow managed to get in my best friend's pants.  But I suppose you deserve more credit then that.  I can tell you that since you're dead and won't go around making fun of me.  So, Spike, there it is.  You did a good job, saving the world and all.  Don't think the original Dead Boy ever sacrificed himself for the world.  I mean, he did go to hell that one time, but that was because Buffy killed him.  She never killed you.

That counts for a lot.  Most people Buffy cares about, she's tried to kill several times.  She did try to kill you, but that was before she cared.  So you're kinda special.  Kills me to even write it.  But I think she really did care.  And wrong and sickening as I found it…I know you cared about her too.  Yeah, yeah, I made big talk about how you were just a brutal undead killer.  You were, you know.  But you still cared.

I did hate you.  But it wasn't as long as you think.  I always disliked you strongly…but I didn't hate you until you and Anya…well, you know.  Then I really hated your vampire guts.  I didn't know how she could do that to me.  With you.  But it doesn't matter now.  You're both dead.  Hey, you two better not be screwing each other in heaven or something, or I'm gonna be really pissed when I get up there.

You don't know, do you?  Anya's dead.  She died in the big battle.  Some Bringer got her.  I didn't even know until we got off the bus after Sunnydale changed it's name to 'Big Honkin' Hole in the Ground' and I realized I hadn't seen her.  And she had finally forgiven me.  She finally believed that even if I wasn't ready to get married, I still loved her very much and I wanted to be with her again.  And then she died.  God, I hate how things always seem to turn out that way.  You find the person you love, and bam, they're dead.  I miss her.  Sounds stupid, but I really do.  Trying to be a bigger man than the pain and say I knew it would happen someday.  She would have wanted to go out in battle.  Except I don't think she would have.  I think she would have wanted to go out surrounded by children and money.  Don't tell anybody, but sometimes after I do a construction job and no one's around…I do the dance of capitalistic superiority.

Anya would have loved seeing me finally giving in to her way of thinking.  Maybe she can, from heaven.  Are you in heaven, Spike?  You were a monster.  You even admitted it.  But you had the whole, Unhuman Torch thing going for you at the very end.  Was that enough to redeem you?  You did get your soul back, so that must count for something.  Minus points, of course, for losing it in the first place.  But you were a pretty cool guy when it all boiled down.

I feel really dumb, you know, having a conversation with a dead person.  But hey, if you can really read this letter, maybe you'll put in a good word for me.  Eventual forgiveness and all that.  It's also easier to write that you weren't such a horrible bastard than to say it.  I'd get no end of grief from Willow.  Buffy would be happy.  She's been really down since you died.  I think it's for the better really.  No offense.   But maybe she'll be able to find someone who will be able to give her everything, including a nice sunny backyard and some kids.

So I've been defeated.  I lost my An, lost my eye, and finally had to say that you were actually an okay guy.  Damn, I'm losing my touch too.  Was a time when I would have stayed mad at you forever.  But…I've been a lot more reflective lately.  With no depth perception and limited peripheral vision, there isn't too much to do besides think.  And that's Xander's deep thought of the day.  Just cause he can't see in depth, doesn't mean he can't think that way.  Have a nice afterlife Spike.