Frodo the Doctor

............................................

Frodo was sitting by himself, reading a book on a hill. The book was a medical book, about how to remove a spleen without killing a person. Frodo nodded and flipped the page. He had several other medical books on the ground around him. Frodo turned when he heard Sam come up the hill. "There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere, Mr Frodo, you've been gone for days! What are you doing?!" said Sam. Frodo held out his book and nodded. "Reading, Sam. Reading...About how to become a doctor." said Frodo.

"A doctor? But Mr. Frodo...why would you want to have to work when you can just sit on your duff all day?" asked Sam, earnestly. "Sam, I'm bored! I want to be of use to the Shire!!" shrieked Frodo, jumping up and flailing his arms about, frantically. "Gee, sir, I can't claim to understand...but then I don't understand alot of things." said Sam, scratching his head. "This shire needs more doctors, Sam, and I'm going to become one to meet that need." said Frodo. He gathered his books and walked off.

"Wait up, Mr. Frodo, I didn't mean to bother you..." said Sam, chasing after Frodo. Sam stubbed his toe on a rock and then took a tumble down the hill. "Sam!!" said Frodo, his eyes widening as he watched Sam go falling down the hill.

"Sam, are you ok?" asked Frodo, looking at Sam, who was laying in a crumpled heap. "I think...I think I broke somethin', Mr. Frodo..." said Sam, a hazy look in his eyes as he stared off.

"Oh, GOD, Sam!! No!! Say it isn't so!! You're not dying!! Noooo!!" shrieked Frodo, tears spilling out of his eyes. He clutched Sam's hand as Sam sweated. "I broke my finger...the one you're squeezing..." groaned Sam. "Oh, I'm sorry Sam!!" said Frodo. Frodo proceeded to make Sam a splint.

"Wow, Mr. Frodo! You really did a great job on my finger!" said Sam, looking at his splinted finger. "Thank you, Sam! Spread the word! The Shire has a new doctor!" said Frodo. He laughed and Sam shrugged.

..................................................

"Aaaauuuuggghhhh!!" Pippin moaned, sitting in Frodo's waiting room in Frodo's house. "Pippin, I told you not to eat so much damn food. Now look at yourself." said Frodo, who was with another patient in the next room.

"It's not food...something else is wrong with me..." said Pippin, clutching his stomach and falling over out of the chair.

"Sure there is." said Frodo, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. He whacked the Gaffer on the knee and the Gaffer's leg jerked forward. "Reflexes are looking good." said Frodo. "I told you, it ain't me reflexes, it's my head." said the Gaffer, pointing at his bleading head.

"Hmm. Yes. You say you were in an accident." said Frodo, looking over the Gaffer's chart. "I got run down by old Gandalf's mule that was pulling his stupid horse. I told you! I can hardly see for the purple spots in front of my eyes, and I feel like I'm gonna pass out." said the Gaffer.

"Open your mouth and say aaahhh..." said Frodo, smiling and pulling out a small wooden stick. "Why?! Can't you just treat my head, already?!" said the Gaffer. Frodo shook his head, condescendingly. "Who's the doctor? Don't ask questions." grunted Frodo. The Gaffer sighed.

Meanwhile...

Pippin was crawling across the floor, his face green, sweat dropping down off his forehead. He grabbed a tablecloth to try to pull himself back up, but ended up pulling the stuff on the table down on his head. He groaned and rolled around several times on the floor, rolling over untill he hit a wall. Pippin's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he clutched at his stomach, screaming.

"Pippin! Be quiet!!" said Frodo, who was checking the Gaffer's tongue. "It looks like you have strep throat." said Frodo, to the Gaffer. "I don't give a damn, just bandage my head and give me some medicien!" said the Gaffer. Frodo looked at him sternly. "Never tell a doctor what to do, you ignoramous." said Frodo, pulling some pills out of a drawer. "This will treat your strep throat. I'm sure that's all that's bothering you. Now go on your way, I've other people to treat!" said Frodo, smiling and pushing the Gaffer off the examanation table.

"Son of a..." said the Gaffer, heading out the door.

"Next!" called Frodo, a cheerful look on his face as he peeked into the waiting room. Pippin, who was vomiting blood and strange, black chunks, didn't answer him as he writhed on the floor in convulsions.

"Pippin?" said Frodo. Frodo frowned and stepped out into the waiting room. "FROOODOOOO!!!" screamed Pippin, leaping from the floor suddenly and smashing into a wall. "Pippin, what are you doing?!" said Frodo. "Something's wrong with me..." groaned Pippin, staggering backwards. He fell over, unconscious. Frodo walked over to him and knelt down. He checked Pippin's pulse. "Oh, my God. He's dead." said Frodo.

Frodo shook his head, sadly, as he stood up. "Oh, Pippin." said Frodo. Suddenly, Sam walked in. "How's it goin', Mr. Frodo?!" said Sam. "Sam...Look!" said Frodo, pointing down at Pippin. "Oh, nooo!! Mr. Pippin's dead! Now that's a real shame." said Sam. Frodo shook his head, then nodded, then shook his head again. "You know, Sam, what we really need in this town is a funeral home." said Frodo.

"It's too bad you can't do that too! Your business is booming." said Sam. "Sam! You could start a funeral home! You could do it right next door! We could be like business partners! It would be perfect!" said Frodo. He clutched Sam's arms. Sam frowned. "Well, I don't know nothin' about running a funeral home, but I'm your gardener so I guess I have to do what you say." said Sam.

Later that day, Sam had a funeral home set up right next door to Frodo's house, and Pippin's body now resided in it

Frodo walked in, smiling. "How's it going, Sam?" said Frodo. "A-Ok, Mr. Frodo." said Sam. Merry burst through the door, in tears.

"Pippin!! Pippin!! It can't be!! Now who will be the father to my child?!" sobbed Merry, looking at the cold body of Pippin. Frodo and Sam looked at eachother, and Frodo nodded. "We were wondering who the father was. I suspected it was Merry." said Frodo. "I thought you just got a bit more portly in the belly, actually." said Sam.

"PIPPIIINNN!!" sobbed Merry. He was 9 months pregnant.

Just then, the Gaffer walked through the door and fell down. "I'm dying." said the Gaffer. Then he died. "Dad!!" said Sam. "Oh, dear." said Frodo. Then he helped Sam get the Gaffer up on a table. "He's dead..." said Sam, tears running down his face and liquid coming out his nose.

Frodo looked at the Gaffer's body, a disturbed look on his face, his hands in his pockets. There was a call on the phone. "I'll get it." said Frodo. "Hello?" said Frodo. "Yes, the Doctor is in. I'll be right over." said Frodo, he hung up the phone.

"I gotta go Sam. I'll see you later, terribly sorry about your old man." said Frodo, and he exited.

.............................................

Frodo smiled and brushed his hands together as he entered his house. Rosie the barmaid was sitting in his waiting room.

"Rosie! How are you?!" asked Frodo. "Oh, fine, Frodo! I just have this little problem with my foot...I think it's a wart. Been swellin' and hurtin' all day." said Rosie. Frodo walked with her into his office and lifted her foot up so he could look at the wart.

"Hmm...well, it looks pretty good! I don't think there's any problem with it, Rosie." said Frodo. "No, Frodo, this foot." said Rosie, holding up her other foot. "Oh...OH, DEAR, GOD!!" screamed Frodo, backing up, his face stricken with utter horror. "I've never, in all my time in this profession, seen something as bad as that! Rosie...That wart is outta control!! You're, you're doomed! You shall die if drastic measures aren't taken....I'm gonna have to amputate." said Frodo.

"WHAT?!" cried Rosie, jumping up off the table. "Don't panic Rosie, I know what I'm doing." Frodo said, as he began to grab some anesthesia and an axe.

"Forget it, Frodo, get the hell away from me! I'm not letting you amputate my foot, you crazy ass!!" said Rosie. She started heading out the door.

"Rosie, it would be against my doctorial tenents if I allowed you to leave without taking care of this. Now sit down." said Frodo, sternly. Rosie bitch slapped him and headed for the door again.

Rosie was just about to reach the front door of the house, when Frodo came running up behind her. "Rosie...You can't go!!" said Frodo, suddenly jabbing a needle into her arm. Rosie fell over, unconscious.

"Don't worry, Rosie. We'll take care of that wart right away. Doctor knows best, dear." said Frodo, pulling the axe out. Then Frodo noticed that Rosie wasn't breathing anymore. "Shit, in my haste, I grabbed the needle filled with poison." said Frodo, holding up the needle he'd stuck Rosie with. Frodo grabbed his head and moaned. "Ooooh, nooooo!!" he said.

................................................

Sam and Merry were inside the funeral home, still staring at the dead loved ones, when Frodo walked in holding Rosie's body.

"ROSIE!! What'd you do now, Frodo?!" cried Sam. "Me?! What are you saying! Sam, I thought you were my faithful servant!" said Frodo. "I...I am sir...I just...Forget it." said Sam. "What happened to her?!" said Merry. "Terrible accident. Just terrible. It was her fault, though. She was an unruly patient. I'm dreadfully sorry Sam." said Frodo.

Sam moaned miserably and laid down Rosie's body. Merry looked at Frodo strangely.

Frodo stood there for several minutes, looking uncomfortable. "Well, I have to go." said Frodo. He turned around and went back to his home.

................................................

Frodo sighed as he sat down in his house, a small glass of vodka in one hand and a blazing fire in front of him. He loosened his collar and put his feet up. "Maybe I'm not such a great doctor." he said.

There was a knock at the door. "Damn it, never a moment's peace when you're in this profession." said Frodo, getting up. He went to the door and opened it, to see Aragorn standing there. "Frodo! Long time no see, man." said Aragorn. Frodo saw that Aragorn had a vicious looking weavel latched onto his rear end. "I was in the forest, and...I had a little encounter. I was wondering if you could help me." said Aragorn.

"Of course, of course, Strider. Step right in." said Frodo, concerned. Aragorn walked into Frodo's house, ducking where needed. He nodded at Frodo. "Nice place." he said. "Yes. Come right into my office." said Frodo, gesturing towards the room. Aragorn sat down on the examination table, the weavel laying down behind him. "It really hurts." said Aragorn.

Frodo took out a magnifying glass and examined the weavel through it. The animal's enlarged eyes glared up at him. Frodo nodded. "Yes, I've seen it before. Well, I've read about it. Rabies, my friend, rabies. It's all the rage. This creature will kill you unless I give you a series of painful shots!" Frodo said, pointing a finger up. Aragorn grumbled, but shrugged.

"Here we go." said Frodo, sticking Strider in the gut with a needle. "OOaaauuuooocchh!!" said Strider, and he started pounding the table as Frodo got another needle and stuck it in. Frodo gave Strider 18 shots. Strider started to go pale in the face, and he fell over. The weavel jumped off of him and leapt through a window, running away.

"Strider?! Aragorn?! Are you alright?" asked Frodo, grabbing Aragorn's arm. "I'm...allergic...to Iodine..." groaned Aragorn. "No..." gasped Frodo, realizing he'd swabbed Aragorn with Iodine before applying his shots. "I should have asked!! Oh, Strider, now you're going to die!!" shouted Frodo, pulling at his own hair in distress. "Great..." grunted Aragorn, rolling over and passing out.

"No!! NO!! I will not lose another patient!" roared Frodo, and he ran into the kitchen as quickly as he could. Frodo grabbed a can of beans with determination and then yanked a tomato out of a mesh bag full of them.

...................................................

Frodo nodded as he looked down at the bowl of steaming chili. "If this extra hot chili doesn't wake up Strider, nothing can." said Frodo, walking back into the room where Strider lay. Frodo began to spoon the chili into Strider's closed mouth. "Come on...COME ONNNN!!!" screamed Frodo, shoving Strider's face around, trying to make him chew. "YOU'VE NEVER WALKD AWAY FROM ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, NOW BREATH DAMN IT!! BREEEAAAATHHH!!!" Frodo screamed at the top of his lungs, shoving more chili into Strider's mouth.

After several minutes, Aragorn's eyes shot open. "Strider!!" said Frodo, backing up in shock and joy. "I...I...I'm allergic to cayenne pepper." said Strider, then he died.

Frodo bashed his head on the examination table. "That's iiiittt!! It's over! Forget this!! I'm a terrible doctor!!" said Frodo.

.............................................

Merry jumped as he saw Frodo enter the funeral home again. He and Sam were just sitting around when Frodo entered grimly, dragging Aragorn's body along. "Oh, holy, cow, Frodo, what'd you do now?!" said Merry.

"Now...now don't be blamin' him...I'm sure it wasn't his fault..." said Sam, sounding uncertain. "No, Sam! It is my fault! I'm giving up on medician, I simply can't stop screwing up! I've killed every patient I've had!" said Frodo, stricken with misery.

Merry was shaking his head at the sight of Aragorn's body, when he suddenly gave a grunt. "Oh, my God! The baby's coming!" said Merry. "Mr. Merry!" said Sam.

"Oh...What will we do?!" said Frodo. Sam grabbed Frodo's arm. "There's only one thing TO do, Mr. Frodo. You're gonna have to deliver the baby." said Sam. "What??" said Frodo. "NOOOOOOOO!!!" said Merry. "Listen to me, Frodo. You ARE a good doctor, damn it. You fixed my pinky finger when it broke, and goddamn it, I know you have it in you to be a great healer. You have to get back in there. You can't give up. I won't let you! Now you deliver this baby today, and show yourself and the world that Frodo Baggins is the kinda guy they actually --want-- on their insurance!" said Sam. Frodo took a deep breath. He clamped Sam on the arm. "Alright, Sam. Alright!!" he said.

"Nooooooooooooo!! Stay away!!" said Merry, backing up.

Merry tried to run for it, but the labor pains were too intense and he had to lay down on the floor. Frodo walked over to him. "Don't worry, Merry, it's nothing I haven't seen before. We studied freak hermaphrodites in my text book. Well, I studied it...or I looked at the picture anyway." said Frodo.

"Get off!! Get off!! I don't want you delivering my baby!! You're a quack!!" spat Merry, thrashing around. "Mr. Merry, Mr. Frodo ain't no quack! You gotta let him prove himself, he's gonna do an a-plus job, this time..." said Sam.

"Ohhh..." groaned Merry, wheezing and puffing as he tried to ease the labor pains. "Don't worry, Merry...Just lay back.." said Frodo, as he looked between Merry's knees for the baby's head. Then he took Merry's pants off and tried again.

"Ok...push now!" said Frodo. Merry lifted his feet and pushed Frodo across the room. Frodo whacked his head on the wall, then looked back at Merry. "Not like THAT!!" said Frodo. He went back over to Merry and sat back down. "Try again." said Frodo. "AAAAAHHHHGGGHHH!!" said Merry.

After several minutes, Merry finally produced his baby. "It's a girl!!" said Frodo, a huge grin on his face as tears sprang to his eyes. "I can't believe it, I did it!" said Frodo.

Merry took his baby and looked at her. "Oh. Oh, God, I only wish Pippin were here to see this. She's the most perfect creature to ever exist...I shall call her Pippella." said Merry, rocking his daughter gently in his arms.

"I told you you could do it." said Sam, to Frodo. "Yes. But now, I think I'm going to go back to sitting on my duff all day. That was alot of work!" said Frodo.

.....................................................

Two weeks later, Frodo and Merry announced that they were getting married.

"But aren't you cousins?!" asked Sam, disturbed. "Umm, I don't think so." said Frodo. "No." said Merry.

"Anyway, I think Pip would want it this way. Somebody has to be a father to little Pippella." said Frodo, looking down at his new adopted daughter. Merry smiled. Frodo smiled. Sam still looked somewhat disturbed.

Arwen came walking out of the forest in slow motion. "Where is my boyfriend?" she asked.

The end.