Everyone Loves Edward
Disclaimer: I [Hakai] don't own anything Fullmetal Alchemist related. They belong to their respectful owners. Beware bad writing skills.
A/N: I've read up to vol 6 and missed quite a bit of episodes between 11 and 31. ; So please excuse and correct any mistakes I may have made.
Edit: revised version. Fixed some minor typos/grammar errors. ;
Pairings: Edx…everyone? O.o not all at once! l0l
"Ed… Edward!" Someone's voice rang through his head, piercing the silence that had been his dreamscape. It was too early in the morning for yelling. "Edward! If you don't get outta bed this instant--!!" Far too early.
With a groan Ed sat up and rubbed his eyes. Blinking sleep filled eyes he finally realized just who it was that had been yelling at him. "Winry…?"
"Of course! Did you think it was your brother threatening to ship you to Ishbal?" The blonde girl asked plopping down on his bed.
"W-what are you doing here?" Ed asked finally finding his voice. And where was Al for that matter. He should have been in their shared dorm room but instead, here was Winry. How had she gotten in anyway?
"I came to visit you, Ed" Winry said suddenly turning submissive. "Al let me in on his way out and I thought it'd be a good surprise and you'd be happy to see me."
"I…I am happy Winry." Ed reassured her. And just for good measure. "You're a great friend to me and Al! Really!"
"A friend?" Winry asked shaking slightly. Ed nodded. "A friend? Is that all I am to you, Edward Elric? A friend?"
"A good friend." Ed emphasized a little nervously. What was Winry getting at?
"After all these years I'm just your friend!" She yelled shaking him.
"U-uh… Winry…?" She pinned his shoulder against the headboard. She gave his thigh a rough squeeze making Ed squeak before bringing his eyes to meet hers. "W-Winry?" He called cautiously.
"Your friend. Your mechanic. That girl down the road. That's all I am, isn't it Edward?" She cried pulling him by the collar so that they were nose to nose. "That's all I am." Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.
"Winry I--!" Ed tried but the mechanic cut him off.
"You're what, Ed? Sorry? I don't think so." Her hand slipped under his shorts and traveled farther up his thigh. In a flash Ed had pushed Winry of his lap and ran out the door. It was definitely too early in the morning for this.
Ed was running as far away as he could get. As quickly as he could get there. Perhaps a bit too quickly. Had he been watching where he was going, he could have avoided colliding into Havoc. "Havoc-shoui. I-I'm--"
"Nah, it's fine." The 2nd lieutenant assured Ed from under him.
"Uh… I should be goin--" Ed said starting to get up.
Havoc grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down. "No. It's fine."
"What…?" The Fullmetal Alchemist asked confused. "Look. I'm sorry for running into you and--"
"No need for sorry." Havoc cooed into his ear. Unusually enough the 2nd lieutenant bore no cigarette today, however, that didn't help the stench of his breath any.
Edward coughed. "I really need to--"
"Stay." Havoc continued. "Play."
"We're in the middle of the hallway." Ed informed him.
"Would you prefer my place?"
"What? No. I don't prefer anywhere!" Ed yelled kneeing the 2nd lieutenant in the crotch and jumping to a run.
"Mustang-taisa wants to see you by the way!" Havoc yelled from his fetal position down the hall.
Okay, that was odd… Ed thought without looking back.
He didn't slow down in till he had made it to the Colonel's floor. Winry in his bed was bad enough, but Havoc too? That was just too much.
"Edward Elric!" He heard someone call and immediately his body froze up. That voice. He knew that voice. Slowly he turned around to see Major Armstrong, pink sparkles and all. But he didn't actually see much of the Major before he himself was engulfed in the Alchemist's strong grip of a hug. "Edward Elric!! How good it is to see you! How is your brother?"
"F-fine." Ed managed to gasp out. "P-please let go."
Armstrong finally let go and gave him an analyzing eye. "You need more training." He said seriously.
Ed dusted imaginary dirt off his clothes. "Yeah, you've said that before."
"I know! I shall train you myself, Edward Elric! We shall start with a kissing lesson!"
The fifteen-year-old visibly twitched at that. "W-what?!"
"Or have you been trained in that art already? We can move on to second base if you wish." Ed could feel his eyes threatening to come out of their sockets as he made a beeline for the Colonel's office.
"It appears young Edward will ask Taisa for training. A good idea. He is much learned in the arts." Armstrong said. And having been satisfied he made his way to the canteen for lunch.
"Taisa! Taisa!!" Edward yelled as he slammed the door behind him. "Everyone's acting weird. Winry, Havoc, Armstrong. But wait, I think Armstrong always acts like that. Only it seemed stranger today! And, and…!"
"Fullmetal. Take a deep breath and explain this a little slower." Roy Mustang said calmly as he put the papers he'd been working on to the side.
Ed plopped himself down on Mustang's sofa and began his story. Starting from that morning and ending at barging into his office.
"Hm…" The colonel said when he had finished his story. "It appears, Fullmetal, that your friends wish to find you some… company."
"Company? I have company. Al is--"
"To put it simply, Fullmetal, they want you to have a love life."
"Oh." Ed said. He supposed that made sense. They were just concerned about him. After all, spending all of one's time either in a library or getting into fights couldn't be healthy. But did they have to try help him out in such odd ways? Or perhaps it wasn't as odd as he thought. Given that he knew nothing about romance and such, this could all be quite normal. "I guess that makes sense."
"Of course it does!" Roy said walking over to him. "Don't you want a love life, Fullmetal?"
"I guess." Ed shrugged. It couldn't be a bad thing. Could it?
"Right. And doesn't it make sense that it be with someone you know?"
"And someone who's experienced?"
"So it only makes sense that your first should time should be with the famous heartthrob, the Flame Alchemist!"
"I-- Hey wait. You mean you? And me?" Roy nodded. "That's just… wrong!"
"And why is that, Fullmetal?" He asked pouncing onto the couch.
Edward backed to the other end. "Stay away from me!"
Roy kissed his automail finger. In the blink of an eye there was an alchemical flash of light and the couch had bound Roy to itself. "Kinky." Roy purred trying to wiggle out.
"You wish!" Ed called back as he made ready to jump out the window.
Huffing and puffing Edward Elric slumped against the wall of the alleyway. "At least Sensei would be glad that I'm getting exercise." Ed mumbled to himself. "Though she wouldn't be pleased that I was so out of breath."
"I know what'll make her happy." A voice from above said. Ed looked up in time to see Envy jump down to land in front of him. "Yo! Ochibi-san!"
"Env-- Wait. Who're you calling 'chibi'?" Ed bellowed.
"Still as short-tempered as ever." Envy said ruffling his hair.
The Fullmetal Alchemist slapped his hand away. "Well, at least I can trust you not to be like the others."
"Hm?" Envy cocked his head.
"They've been acting weird. Pawing at me and such."
"It's called flirting, Ochibi-san."
"Well, whatever it is, I don't like it." Edward said decidedly crossing his arms.
Envy laughed. "You will if it's from the right person. And then, you'll even be doing it yourself.
"Right person?" He couldn't imagine anyone liking that, no matter who it was from, much less him doing it himself.
Envy nodded. "If you like that person… or you think they're hot." Envy placed his forehead against Ed's. "You're burning up Ochibi-san."
"Yeah. I've been running around since this morn-- What're you doing?" Ed asked attempting to make him let go of his chin.
"I want to be your 'right person', Ochibi-san." Envy breathed.
"No, no. Not with you!" Ed blushed. It sounded like an insult. "I mean--"
"I understand. Is this better?" Envy asked as black hair turned to blonde and eyes to gold. It was like staring into a mirror, a mirror that had the bad habit of smirking at him.
"That's even worse."
"I suppose so." Envy said disappointedly. "Oh well." He laughed before throwing himself on top of Edward.
"Get off! Get off!" Ed yelled. And somewhere between his shouts the alleyway began to fill up with thick smoke. Ed lost track off where Envy was save for the weight on his leg. He felt himself being lifted off the ground and when he could finally see clearly he was no longer in the alleyway.
Strong feminine arms held him by the waist and Ed looked up to see. "Clara-san?"
"That's 'Psiren' when I'm dressed like this, Ed-kun." Psiren said smiling as she put him down. "At least I know I grabbed the right one. Are you alright?"
"Yeah…" Ed murmured trying not to think of what he'd been through. Not to mention he hadn't had anything to eat yet. And it was nearing suppertime. He shook his head. "How've you been, Cl…Psiren?"
"Fine. If not… a little lonely." She gave him a false smile that obviously meant she had been more than just a little lonely.
"I see. Anything I can do?" Ed asked before he realized what he was saying.
Smiling, she grabbed his hand and placed it on her left breast. "D'you feel that Ed-kun. It's my heart."
"Y-yeah." Maybe he'd rather have them fondle him after all. It'd have to be better than this. It was… well… squishy and… soft.
"My heart has a question for you, Edward-kun." Psiren said sweetly. Ed tore his eyes away from her chest to look up into her teal eyes. "Can it stay with you? We can turn you into a man, Ed-kun. But then, you said you already are one." Ed blinked. He didn't understand. What was she saying? It was like she was speaking in the most difficult Alchemical coding he'd ever encountered. "No? Than I shall quietly walk away." She let his hand go. She gave him a wink and was gone. Ed shook his head. What was that all about? And how'd she do that?
"Was that Clara-san?" A voice behind him asked. Ed jumped as he turned around to see the suit of armor he'd come to recognize as his brother.
"Oh it's just you Al." Edward gasped grabbing his chest. "Don't scar me like that."
"Why are you so jumpy Niisan?" Al asked cocking his head. Ed sighed as he began to tell his brother just what it was that had happened to him all day.
"It's like they all just want to have sex with me! And to top it all off I haven't eaten all day." As if to prove his point, his stomach growled.
"I'd like to as well." Al said.
"I know Al. But I promise you, I'll restore your body and the first thing we'll do is go and eat a big meal." Edward reassured him.
"That's not what I meant." Alphonse said.
"What did you mean?" Ed asked not in the mood for guessing games.
"I want to have sex with you too, Niisan!"
If Ed's eyes were still in their sockets after all that had happened that day, they no longer were. Whatever he had been expecting his brother to say, it hadn't been that. "What?! Al, you… we can't! You… I hate to say this Al, but you're a suit of armor!" Ed yelled practically flailing his arms around.
"You're right…" Al sighed wistfully. "I know! I can use the horn on my helmet!" Ed eyes were definitely out of their sockets. And probably rolling along somewhere near Headquarters.
"That wouldn't work." Ed said trying to sound calm. "Besides. You're my brother! That's… not only incest. It's gay incest!!"
Al shrugged. "I don't care. I miss feeling your touch, Niisan. I want to feel you again!"
"Al--!" But he was cut off by Al hugging him tightly. Why did all these people cut him off in the middle of his sentences? "Al! Get off! Get off!"
"Get off!!" Ed yelled sitting up violently. He was sweating and his breathing was uneven. But all in all he seemed to be in one piece. He was in his dorm room, in his bed. It was dark, but that was because his curtains were still closed. "I-It was just a dream. Thank you!!"
Something moved under the covers next to him. "If you don't mind," Roy said groggily peaking his head out of the covers. "could you keep the noise level down." Roy yawned pulling the blanket back over his head.
Was that… Colonel Roy Mustang? Naked? In his bed?! The scream that next emitted from the Fullmetal Alchemist probably could be heard all the way back in Rizenbul.
A/N: I swear Ed gets paired up with anyone and everyone. Well, I guess that's what he gets for being the main character. Anyway, I decided to start off with the most canon coupling edxwinry. Even though it's not my favorite. Not just because I prefer royxed, but also because I think Winry and Al work better together. So of course I had to end it with a little bit of implied royxed-ness. ; really stupid fic wrote in a day. Please review/comment. XD