I'm so happy right now.
I can see my blood splatter on this man's face. I love the horror I see in it.
This is my dream.
Now I can finally say that I have given you all of myself, Zabuza-san. This man cannot kill you because I am here. He cannot destroy your dreams. Your beautiful dreams that were also mine, and mine to help you fulfill.
I was just a child then, pure and innocent, as they say. My dad killed my mom, and I was almost as dead as her too, if not for this curse I have. The curse that helped me survive. The curse that made me so different. All I wanted was to be like any other child… but no, life is cruel. So dark and cruel.
I had lived by the scraps of the same people that hated me. Trash. Like me. The bridge became my home. I spent the cold, unending hours there, watching the people pass by and most of the time give me looks of pity and disgust. Well, so much for expecting anything else.
But then, one day a man passed by and stopped by me. He looked at me with such fierce eyes. Burning and cold. I didn't know why, but I didn't care. If he would kill me, I didn't care. I didn't do anything and the world hated me afterall. So what if this man killed me for no reason at all?
But no, you just stared at me. Stared at me with something, but I'm sure it wasn't hate. If it was then you could not have been just standing there, would you? You would kick me or hit me or spit at me like everybody else did. But you just stood there. I was beginning to have hope that I would live again, for this time someone did not hate me.
"Do you want to be needed?" Your first words would forever be burned in my memory.
Of course. Who doesn't want to be needed? Who wouldn't want to wake up in the morning knowing that someone doesn't not want you to, to live again, and not just walk aimlessly everyday on this wasteland? I wanted to feel that again. And I knew, from the moment I had a better look in your eyes when you got near me, that it was what you wanted as well. Yes, we had the same eyes. Eyes that longed for someone who would look at them with need and longing.
You stood there, looking at me, my innocence cast by your shadow. But what I saw in you, and I had treated with instant awe, was light. Finally, I felt that the world was no longer a dark place. And I had sworn, from that day, that I would forever want to be under that shadow.
Before we left, I glanced back at the place where I was born, where I was raised. Where I had suffered in utmost injustice. But I will hold that place dear in my heart, for that was the place where I had met my life, where my life found me.
Someday, you said, you would have that place in your hands. And you said you needed a tool to accomplish that. I knew it. And I knew that I would gladly offer myself to be that tool to make your dream a reality. I vowed to be yours. You took me in your arms. I was needed.
You were my father, you were my teacher, you were my everything. You were all that I had.
And I knew many things. Things that you taught me. Everything you knew, you had shared with me. I feel deeply honored. I wanted to use those for you. Even make it better. Not that I'm saying that I can be better than you, that could not ever happen, but I wanted to be better so that I can be sure you would have what you want. And I did. After you trained with me, I grew better everyday in mind and body. A single "well done" from you was always enough to make me want to hone myself harder and harder everyday knowing that I have satisfied you.
I remember a certain time when we trained. You were quite unusual that day, seemed that you were so… eager. So inspiringly enthusiastic. I had seen that fire in your eyes, it burned brighter than usual. And I obliged your want to train even harder.
Eventhough I knew that I wouldn't make it.
I tried. And tried. But I just couldn't take it anymore eventhough how much I wanted to. I fell. The next time I opened my eyes, I was lying on my bed. My body ached like crazy, but the moment I saw you, it didn't matter.
Your eyes were sad, and I became sad upon lying my own on them. I regret not having to sustain your desire to train me. And I apologized to you for that. But you raised a hand to hush my words, and you apologized to me. I would've cried in shame if only you had not told me not to ever. I didn't want you to be sorry for anything you do to me. No, that would not be rightful. I do everything you want me to, in my own will. You needed not to lay so low like that.
Among all things I learned, my disposition was of highest perfection. Because I had wanted to please you, in the field or not, I grew to be a subtly mannered and a carefully spoken person. I wanted you to hear only the right words and treat you with the right manners.
I didn't want you to be proud of me. That would be too much to ask. It's just because for you, nothing could be less than perfect.
I also grew up to keep myself as presentable as possible before you. I didn't want you to harbor an unsightly tool now, did I?
Whenever we struggled in the battlefield, I wore a mask. A face hidden underneath an unreadable façade. And it didn't matter at all if that mask was the face I wanted those people to last see, if they thought a monster would be the last they meet.
I am beautiful.
And that beauty was only for you. Not any other random bloodless scum. Just you.
Because you told me I am so. And I believe your words with my life.
A smile cannot help but reach my lips whenever I remember you telling me that. And I shamelessly admit that I liked it.
"You are beautiful." You said as you ran your fingers through my hair. It was at night then, and you told me you were watching me sleep. My heart filled with earnest joy. Just that. I was happy. And I wanted to touch you as well…your face, your hair, your perfection. And for once, I dared. I was afraid that you'd be mad at me, but the urge was unstoppable, it was already making me mad.
I still remember the feel of your cheek beneath my fingertips. The slightest contact made me shiver, half in bliss and half in fear. You flinched a little. You must have been surprised of my sudden actions. But you did not resist, much to my own surprise. My fingers relentlessly treaded along every inch, the contours of it completely unforgotten by this hand. The slight slant of your cheekbones, the curve of your nose, your beautiful brows, I had indulged in completely. The feel of your smile on my thumb was most exquisite. That smile that I loved seeing, moreover feeling. That precious smile that only exists behind your mask, that only exists on our world.
Your hands were so rough to the touch. Abused by your endless quest for power and absolute strength, they had become so calloused, but I can still feel your warmth in them, warmth that only I lived to feel. That alone brought so much happiness to me.
I remember how your warm breath blew at my face while you looked at me with your burning eyes. Yes, burning, but not cold this time. Warm. So warm. Like the feel of your lips on mine, so warm it burned all my resolve. You felt so different then, so gentle. You were never so gentle with me like that until then. And though the wind was cold against my skin, you were there to shield me from it, to cover me in utmost security and comfort only you can give.
You were perfect, as your body felt so perfect against mine.
Was it pain? I didn't know, but I had wanted it, and I had embraced it with all of my heart. I had embraced you with all of myself. And you had accepted me, wanted me, taken me for who I am. You had called my name over and over, and it was the sweetest song to my ears. It had filled me with so much joy.
It was all that I wanted. You were everything I had.
But I knew the place for that, for everything. In the field, I am a warrior. I was still that tool that I vowed to be.
And in the field, I looked up on you. That one time, when you said you would be a big step closer to your goal, I wanted to assist you, to fight beside you. But you told me to watch. And as patience is one of the most crucial things you taught me, I did wait. Upon the shadows I watched.
Your self-assurance amused me. You always tend to be arrogant, and that almost often leads you to trouble. But eventhough, you were always full of courage, and the persistence in your eyes wreaks fear to our enemies. They cower before your power. But like any human, you were flawed, no matter how slightly. Though you were normally calm by nature, your temper was very uncontrollable, and whenever that happens, your thinking becomes clouded and you become very aggressive, just attacking and slashing aimlessly away.
And because of that, like some rare battles we've gone through, you fell into disadvantage. And I knew what I had to do without ruining your intricate plans. I launched an attack of my own, carefully calculated of course, towards you.
I made a hit straight for the neck, and instantly, you fell. And those puny adversaries of ours, thinking that the job was done, left. I know they had thanked me in silence. And once they were gone, I took you and brought you home.
You were unconscious for a while, but I knew you would wake. And I had watched you intently while waiting in silence, always beside you. That small aging man wanted to check up on you, but of course I did not let him lay his filthy hands on my Zabuza-san. He would have to walk to my corpse before anyone could.
My waiting finally reached its end, and you woke. In a daze, I supposed. You had asked me why I chose to hit you in the neck. And I had told you that it was the easiest and fastest way. And besides, I didn't want to mar your beautiful body.
The first thing you have taught me, and what you had always reminded me of was that the ninja doesn't show any emotion. You yourself had followed that rule very well. But I knew you. You were just like any other person who becomes happy, sad, angry or scared. I knew you, because I knew myself. And there were times that I just watched you being alone, and in those times I wanted to be beside you, to hold you. Life had not been good to any of us, and I had always wanted to make that life better for you.
You were everything I wanted. You were all that I needed. You were all that I had.
Even now, as we battle these Konoha warriors. They had been good; they had put up a really good fight. I lost against Naruto, and I wanted to die for failing you. My mask had broken, and so is my purpose.
"When a person has something important to protect, that is when they can become truly strong." I've always known that, and I am strong because I have someone important to protect.
Not strong enough, though.
I had given everything, but still, it wasn't enough. After this long a time of your hardwork, I still could not be your ultimate weapon. I had been beaten. I shall serve no use to you anymore. I had lived for this, fulfilling your dream had been my life, and now, my life should end with my failure. I had betrayed your trust. I should die.
But no. I had sensed impending danger towards you. I couldn't die and let that happen. Not yet. So, with the memory of the special bond that the Uchiha boy and Naruto shared, I drew myself to you. Sasuke used his own body to shield Naruto from my needles, sacrificed his life to save him. And witnessing that, I had admired them. But that aside, I had always wanted to do the same.
And all I remember was the searing pain inside, like my heart was being crushed. Every ounce of energy, I felt slipping faster than sand. And I know my life would not be long. The horror on this jounin's face as he looks at me was enough to prove that I received a fatal hit.
I hope I had done well, and you'd be happy with this. Happy. I would never dream of seeing you break your rule, that you would shed even a single tear for me. I regret not having to witness you fulfill our dreams, but I hope I had helped.
I wish I could see your face one last time, Zabuza-san.
But I could not.
And I could only hold on to his hand pierced in my chest.
And feel the cold seeping deeper through my bones as the warm trickle of blood runs down my face and down my chin.
I wanted to protect the one thing precious to me. To work for that person. To fight for that person. To make that person's dreams come true. That is my dream.
And now, I would just have to bring that dream down with me.
And to forever, I would be taking the memory of your warmth, and every second of my life I spent with you would always be cherished.
I was just a boy, a mere tool, and I had expected to be treated as such. A nobody that lived to serve. But in your arms you made me feel that I am somebody. I was special. I was needed. I was wanted. I was not just anybody.
I was loved.
I am Haku. Your Haku.