Yes, all good things must come to an end… I really will miss this story, writing it has been a part of my life for one and a half years. I don't think that there will be a sequel, since this is a parody of the movie and not a "standing alone" story. Of course, I could write a parody of Mulan 2, but it wouldn't be the same.
For the last time, I own nothing except for Mervyn, The Director, Doctor Chun Tin, the nervous Stranger, the words of "plumbering" and "unlogical", and a lot of objects, such as the Very Groovy Car. Mervyn's my favourite character. I'd like to use him in some other story one day… If you want to borrow him, or something else that is mine, please contact me first.
Okay, so 'plumbering' isn't a word. Thanks Iri and Zimmie for pointing that out!
I know nothing about Swiss folk dances. In this chapter, I'm just poking fun at it – no harm intended.
Chapter 18: The Final Battle? Are you kidding me, man?
The army shows no sign of stopping their childish behaviour and get a life, or at least keep to the Script. Even Mushu seems to have a hard time to throw his Raphael away and make the others do what they're paid for (even though Walt Disney Pictures doesn't pay them very much). Since the movie won't EVER get finished if the situation doesn't change, the author decides to step in. She starts typing her keyboard furiously while snickering madly…
"Everybody stay calm, we're taking over from here!" a familiar voice can be heard. Yep, that's right – Robin Hood and his merry men are back!
The Chinese dudes stare at them stupidly. "Back?"
Little John looks impatient. "Yes, yes, we're back. Unless you're looking at a bunch of clones right now…"
"Anyway", starts Robin Hood, "do you have anything that we'd like to steal? We've already searched through most of the palace, but I think we could manage to bring a bit more home to Sherwood Forest."
The Englishmen are carrying a lot of pot plants (including the emperor's prize-winning black and white chess-patterned roses), five DarkWing Duck comic books, 'Mona Lisa' by Leonardo da Vinci, the One Ring, the Holy Grail, half a jar of pizza sauce, a very valuable statue, a not-so-valuable red lamp, fifteen bricks, a fire alarm, two very confused kangaroos, 65 cd's with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, a map over New Zealand, an signed poster of Jacques Cousteau, a little model of the Star ship Enterprise made of jelly, the emperor's collection of stamps with pictures of famous engine drivers, a gold fish bowl with an octopus in it, a pair of blue glittery boots with stiletto heels, and a rugby ball signed by the Icelandic rugby team.
Robin Hood and his merry men notice the army staring. "What?"
Chien-Po speaks up. "Um… what are you guys going to DO with all this stuff?"
Robin Hood looks offended. "'Do'? What do you mean, 'do'? We're robbers, we do not steal because we'll USE the things, we do it because of the principal. It's in the blood, that's our job. Although, Lady Marian would look ravishing in those stiletto boots…"
Mulan makes a face of disgust. "Ugh."
Brother Tuck spots the Ninja Turtles that the army got in their Happy Meals. "Hey you guys! They've got Ninja Turtles!"
"Yay!" shout the merry men, and before the Chinese people can say… Um… (Damn, I've run out of things that people don't have time to say!) Whatever, they're stuck to the ceiling with string cheese and their beloved turtles are under the command of Robin Hood. If it's possible to have stuffed green ninja warriors under one's command, that is.
Since the army have no more maturity than three months-old babies (if not less), they start yelling and crying immediately.
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I want my Leonardo/Donatello/Raphael/Michelangelo back!"
"Ha ha ha! In your dreams, suckers!" shout the evil robbers and leave, still laughing manically.
The army cannot get down by themselves, like the incapable twits that they are, so the author writes the string cheese out of the story.
The army falls to the floor. "AAAHHHH!" (THUD)
Shan-Yu and Hun # 3, 18, 11 and 12 enters the palace through the back door. How did they get in? Let's jump back in time a few minutes…
"Shan-Yu, I really don't want to do this", whines Hun # 12. "It's ridiculous. I've already tripped on the hem of this dress twice."
"Yeah, and this purse doesn't match my shoes", says Hun # 3. "I mean c'mon, a BLUE purse and ORANGE stilettos! People will think that I have no taste at all!"
"Shut up!" hisses Shan-Yu. "How many times do I have to tell you? We'll only be cross-dressing for a few minutes. We're disguised as gypsy dancers so that we can get into the palace without the guards suspecting something."
"But I can't dance!" whines Hun # 18.
"Well, neither can I, but that's irrelevant right now", snarls his boss. "Anyway, I don't think that anyone of us knows how to dance."
"Actually, I do", says Hun # 11. "I know how to dance a Swiss folk dance."
"And how many gypsy dancers dance a Swiss folk dance?" asks Hun # 3 sarcastically. Hun # 11 pokes his tongue out at him.
"Sharpen up!" barks Shan-Yu. "Now, we have to trick the palace guards!"
They walk up the stairs, and get stopped by the guards.
"Stop! Who're you?" asks Guard # 5.
"We're nothing but gypsy dancers", squeaks Shan-Yu in, what he hopes, is a girly voice. To everyone else, he sounds like a dying cat. "Really, we are. And women, too. That's why we're wearing dresses."
Guard # 4 raises an eyebrow. "I see. Why don't you dance a little?"
The Huns stiffen, but Shan-Yu pokes # 11 with his elbow and whispers: "# 11, do your thing now!"
Hun # 11 gulps, but takes a step forward and starts dancing the Swiss folk dance. It goes like this:
1. Clasp your hands behind your back.
2. Close your right eye.
3. Poke your tongue out.
4. Start running in circles backwards.
5. Close the circle.
6. Make a pirouette.
7. Sound like a pig.
8. 'Run at the spot' while kicking your self's bum.
9. Do the splits while unclasping your hands and put them up in the air.
10. Scream "TADAAA!" (In a very Swiss way.)
The Guards and the Huns stare at # 11. (And can you blame them?)
Hun # 12 recovers first. Even though he never liked the gypsy dancers-idea, he does have his loyalty to Shan-Yu and # 11, plus that he doesn't want to rotten away in one of the palace's dungeons. "See? A typical gypsy dance. Now, if you'd be so kind and let us in, we'll entertain the emperor on his birthday."
He then, with the help of Hun # 11, ushers Shan-Yu and Hun # 3 and 18 into the palace. The guards still stand paralyzed.
"So, boss, what's our next step?" asks Hun # 18.
"Well, let's find the army and – " He stops talking as Robin Hood and his merry men rush past with all their stolen goods. He doesn't open his mouth again until they've disappeared around the corner. "Eh… where was I?"
"You said that we should find the army", Hun # 3 helps him out.
"Oh yeah. First, we'll find the army, then we beat the crap outta them, and then we'll find the emperor which we'll put up for auction on eBay."
"Right", says Hun # 12 in a sarcastic voice. "What are we going to write? 'Chinese emperor, as good as new. Can be used as a break dancer and won't sleep on the job. Comes with a free set of yellow robes, a silly medallion and a pointy hat.'"
And that's where they run into the army, which is groaning and moaning with pain since their fall to the floor.
Mervyn notices the Huns first, and squeals like a really cowardly girl that's spotting a mouse. "Eeep! It's the Huns!"
"Ha-HA!" laughs Shan-Yu and draws his sword, which falls off of the hiltand falls clattering to the floor. "Eh… Oops. Um… A new sword, Idun?"
Oh no, absolutely not. I've helped you enough already. Think for yourself for once! I mean, how hard can it be to come up with a brilliant idea to kick the Good Guys' butts?
Shan-Yu stares at me stupidly.
(Sigh) Never mind. Mushu, what's in the script?
Our favourite dragon takes his dog-eared, dirty script and gets to the right page. "Hm, scene 18… Oh yeah. So as not to seriously hurt the actors, we shall make this up with a pillow fight." Barely has he finished the sentence, until he's hit in the head with a pink pillow. "Okay, this means war!"
Mulan raises an eyebrow. "You don't say?"
Soon, everyone's having the time of their lives, doing their best to beat the shit out of each other using very soft and fluffy pillows. Mervyn smacks his baby blue one in Hun # 12's face, whereupon Hun # 13 gets revenge by hitting Soldier # 4 in the back of his head with his orange pillow, so that the Chinese guy's glasses fall off. Mulan proves to be really professional. But, as it turns out, it seems that everyone's so busy smacking everything in sight that they've totally forgotten that they actually are on different teams. Something that doesn't make the situation better is that more people have joined in, people that we've met before but hasn't got anything to do with the movie. Some of these are Pocahontas, Saruman, Doctor Chun Tin and Harry Potter and his trusty sidekicks. Even Soldier # 2 has figured out some wicked way to get back into the story.
The author is tired of breaking up all sorts of chaos, and stands on the line of insanity (as if I haven't been there for a long time by now!) when something appears. Or rather someone.
"Hello everyone! I've finally found my bike. Some idiot had hidden it in the bushes!"
That's right – the Director has showed up again and is back in business! (You didn't think I'd end this story without him, now did you?)
Idun cries with happiness. If someone can get all these weird people to behave, it's him!
The Director immediately starts doing his work. "Okay all of you! STOP FIGHTING!"
They all freeze and gape at the Director. "Boss, you're back!"
"Damn right I am! Now, I'll fix some order. Those of you who aren't in the script, sod off. The rest of you can come here and form a circle around me!"
Although Mervyn isn't in the actual script, he's been with for so long that everyone considers him as part of the gang. The Director accepts that and doesn't kick him out. When he hears that Shan-Yu's army is on strike, he sighs but says no more. He frowns when he sees Pokey and hears the story about Doctor Chun Tin, but since there isn't anything to do about it, he makes no further comments and lets Pokey lick the back of his hand. Then he starts organizing.
"Huns, go to that side of the room, and then take some battle positions, Shan-Yu in the lead. Try to look mean and threatening. The rest of you, draw your swords and then face the Huns as one man."
Mulan clears her throat. The Director corrects himself. "– and one woman. Of course. "
Mervyn raises one hand. The Director turns to him. "Yes?"
"I don't have a sword, but can I use thegearshiftfrom my bus instead?"
"Sure, whatever. So, what are you waiting for? To your positions!"
The Chinese guys and the Huns go to their places. The Director gives them some last instructions. "Okay, now it's time for the Great Battle Scene. You rush towards each other and start fighting when I say 'action'. No, not now, Hun # 12, you jerk! And Chi Fu, keep that dog in check. Are you ready, everyone? ACTION!"
The two teams runs against the middle of the room while shouting their battle cries.
"All power for the Huns!"
"Slaughter the barbarians!"
"Blood, sweat and violence!"
"For Rohan, home of the horse lords!"
The Huns and the Chinese army meet and start battling each other. Mervyn proves to be a real fighter with the gearshift. Chien-Po uses the good old pick-up-your-enemies-and-throw-them-out-the-window-technique. Yao points behind the Huns and says: "Look, a pink elephant!" Since the Huns aren't the brightest crayons in the box, they buy it, and Yao hits them in the back of their heads. Pokey simply bites the Huns in sensitive areas, and Ling's throwing pies in their faces. Mulan sneaks up on them from behind and kicks the back of their knees, so that they fall to the ground.
Since the Chinese people outnumber the Huns, and the "good guys" don't use very fair methods, it doesn't take long before the fight is finished.
"What now, boss?" asks Mulan.
The Director doesn't notice, since he seems to be searching for something. He's leaning out the window and frowns.
"Hm?" says the Director and lifts a paper basket with a thoughtful expression, takes a look under it and puts it down again.
"Earth to the Director! Please respond!"
Finally, the Director turns around and looks at her. "Yeah, yeah, what is it? I ain't deaf, you know!"
"Oh no, of course you're not," mumbles Yao.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing at all…"
"What are you looking for, boss?" asks Mervyn.
"You see, for the next shot, we need the emperor," answers the Director. "But I cannot seem to find him."
"And he would hide under the paper basket?" whispers Ling to Mulan.
"Has anyone seen him?" continues the Director.
"Well, some chapters ago, he was on the street doing break dance," Soldier # 3 tells him.
"But now I am here!" shouts a falsetto voice, and the Number One Guy of China enters the room. He's giggling furiously and seems to be full of energy.
The Director takes a look at him and sighs. "Well, an emperor on a sugar high is better than no emperor at all."
"So, what'll happen next?" wonders Soldier # 15.
"The Script says that the emperor shall reward you all for saving the country. Then everyone shall bow to Mulan –"
"As if," mutters Mervyn.
"– and she'll take off for home during applauds. Captain Shang, who's gotten a crush on her, goes after her and gets himself invited to dinner, as the sneaky bastard he is."
"Oh no!" shouts Mulan. "There is No Way In Hell that I'll let myself be followed by a mad dog-guy. Forget it. The Script must be changed!"
The Director sighs. Again. "Why not? It's not like it has been kept to anyway. How 'bout, the emperor rewards everyone, then all of you take in at hotel Waldorf-Astoria and celebrate that this freakin' movie has finally come to an end. What do you say?"
"Yay!" everyone shout.
And so, the emperor gives (usually cheap) presentsto everyone.
Shan-Yu and his men get a free journey back to Mongolia (sure, they are the bad guys, but for being evil, they actually are quite nice, don't you think?) with SAS, which is quite weird since SAS stands for Scandinavian Airlines System.
Chi Fu gets a new, red hat which is even uglier than the old one.
Mervyn gets his own medal with the inscription of Our Favourite Bus Driver.
Pokey gets a new, nice collar.
Mulan gets her debts to the library repaid.
Mushu gets an apron with the text Kiss the Cook.
Yao gets asubscription forCosmopolitan.
Ling gets a laptop, on which he later will write silly fan fiction parodies.
Chien-Po gets a black and white cow called Rosie.
Cri-Kee gets some Aspirin.
All the soldiers get t-shirts with the text: I love NY.
Then, the Director calls for sixteen cabs that'll take them all to Waldorf-Astoria where they will have a happy evening with much alcohol. They all wave to the author and the Director when they leave.
As soon as they're gone, the Director lets out a relieved sigh. "Peace. At last."
Thank you for reading How the movie Mulan was made. Thanks for all reviews you've left, and thanks to you guys that stuck around, even when I didn't update for months. I couldn't have finished it without your support. I really hope that all of you readers out there have gotten some good laughs.
Please leave one last review!