Summary: AU. SLASH RL/KS and SS/SB. Pre-Moonal and Pre-Menstrual Syndromes - which is worse? Harry truly has hard time deciding when he finds himself stuck in the Grimmauld Place with Snape, Sirius, Remus, Kingsley, Ron, and Hermione. To make it really difficult, both Hermione and Remus are getting extremely cranky, because it's that time of the month. Disappointed about the treatment they get from the other people, the werewolf and the girl plan a revenge list... Just a short, insane little ficlet. Done because I'm cranky.
A/N: Okay, so I am cranky. And why am I cranky? Because none of my trousers fit and I'm forced to walk around in ancients skirts that I only still have because they're loose enough to fit around my puffed stomach. I want chocolate, but the shop my Mum took me only had bad chocolate, and I bought it anyway and now I don't want to eat it. The bag of lollies I bought has only three strawberry lollies, which I love, and one cola lolly, which I hate. And we have sausages for the snack and I hate sausages, and I've today only eaten a couple of slices of bread and that damnable chocolate because we had oatmeal in the morning and I hate it, and I'm hungry because it's three pm and I can't eat because we only have sausages. Plus my oldest little brother has been teasing me the whole day, AND in the morning Dad took a photo of me where I looked dreadful (I'd just gotten up and was still very groggy and very cranky) and refused to delete it, AND I lost 20 cents in the store and couldn't find the coin, AND my little siblings are annoying brats AND I had to go swimming with them today, AND I'm fat and look horrible, AND I have at least five photo frames but no photos (besides on the comp). And Queen Vampyre Akasha dared to delete Impending Parenthood, Current Torture, and I have no one to complain about all these things to. So, you have to suffer.
You read right, Akasha. This is your fault, all of this. Therefore, as a revenge, I'm stealing your idea of a revenge list. . I feel a headache coming...
Why's the whole world against me?
"Urggh." Harry closed hastily the door and shut his eyes. However, that just made the scene he'd just seen play again and again in his mind, which was no less disgusting than at the first sight.
For a moment he expected the door to open and somebody come out, but obviously neither of the men inside had even noticed that he'd been peering in. Well, they had been rather involved in various actions to notice anything but each other.
"Harry?" asked somebody behind him. "Why are you standing here?"
Turning around, Harry saw Ron. "I - I just accidentally walked in on - Sirius and Snape," the bespectacled boy managed to stammer.
Ron's eyes widened. "You mean, your godfather and Snape - were -" After this, he couldn't say anything, just stare disbelievingly.
Nodding, Harry reflected his friend's disgusted expression. "They didn't even notice me looking in," he said faintly. "Other matters were taking all their attention..."
"Merlin," Ron whispered, and Harry nodded in agreement.
Just then, Hermione came to sight through the corner. She was wearing a wide robe, and her expression was furious. "Emm... Herm?" said Ron warily. "Why're you wearing robes?"
"That'd you want to know, wouldn't you?" the girl asked, glaring at him.
"What's the matter, Herm?" asked Harry, astonished about his friend's current mood.
"None of my trousers fit, that's the matter!" Hermione snapped at him. "I have to use this damnable robe because all my skirts are just being washed!"
"Lose some weight, then," Ron suggested innocently, not realizing what this would cause.
Then Hermione ran away, crying, leaving Ron staring after herself with a red handmark on his cheek.
"I don't CARE if it's Sirius's house, I'm going to get his head for this!" yelled Remus, outraged. "He should know better than eat all the chocolate!"
"Of course, Remus dear," Kingsley said, knowing better than to disagree with his lover this near the full moon. Even Buckbead shrank away from Remus in Pre-Moonal Syndrome, and that was telling.
Before the black wizard had time to say anything else, however, the werewolf had already stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind himself. He headed to an isolated sitting room he knew would be empty to fume there alone. However, as he soon discovered, the sitting room was not empty this time. Hermione sat there, huddled in the corner of the couch, tears of fury rolling down his cheeks.
"What's the matter?" Remus asked, not even considering letting his rage out at the girl. Just like the pheromones he let out before the full moon affected Hermione, as well the girl's pheromones affected him. And, just like two women in PMS often do, they knew very well that they were on the same side.
"I want revenge," the girl muttered. "Everyone is treating me unfairly and everything is going wrong!"
"Then we'll get revenge," Remus decided immediately, digging into his pocket for a piece of parchment and his Everlasting Quill. Finding them, he put them on the table, glancing at the girl. "Who're we going to revenge at and whom we're going to spare?" he asked seriously.
"Start listing names and we'll decide," Hermione commanded.
"Ron?" asked Remus, writing the first name on the list.
"Suggested me to lose weight when all I've done is retaining water," Hermione sniffed. "I smacked him and ran away, and he didn't even come to apologize!"
"That's unforgivable," Remus decided, and drew a mark after the boy's name. "What about Harry?"
"Well, he's kind," said Hermione, smiling a little. "He hasn't teased me a single time, and he even brought me chocolate when I asked him to!"
"After that, he brought me chocolate even without asking," said Remus. "He hasn't deserved anything coming to him." No mark. "And Severus?"
"Offered to get me some Calming Potion," told the girl, " said that I obviously needed it. He's so gonna get it!"
"And he called me a cranky woman," Remus added. He scribbled a mark next to the Potions Master's name. "I don't vote for my dear Kingsley, he's always been nice to me. What about you?"
"No complaints, either," Hermione said, shaking her head. "Sirius?"
Now Remus frowned. "He's called me a woman every month he's been around ever since we were at school," he said grudgingly. "Plus, he's eaten all the chocolate in the house and there isn't any left!"
"That was he?" asked Hermione with a dangerous tone. "Put a double mark to him, he deserves no mercy!"
"Now, what are we going to do about these three?" pondered the werewolf, glancing through their short list.
"I think it'd be quite enough if we put spiders into Ron's bed," Hermione decided. "He hasn't been that bad after all, just stupid. But Sirius and Professor Snape, they're just plain nasty, they have to get something horrible."
"I agree," Remus admitted. He thought for a moment, then nodded, a cruel grin on his face. "In fact, I think I know just what we're going to do..."
The further he explained, the more delighted Hermione looked. At last, she nodded, an equal smirk on her lips. "That's the right way," she said, agreeing. "They're so going to get it..."
"Never piss a PMS-ed person," Remus said, "be it a woman or a werewolf."
"Damn right," Hermione muttered. "Some people just have to learn it the hard way."
"The very hard way," Remus added with a smirk.
Then they both laughed evilly.
It was late at night, and Remus was lying next to his lover in their bed. He had a quite smug grin on his face; Hermione had just cast the last spells while he himself had placed the preparation charms to the kitchen.
"Why are you smirking like that, love?" Kingsley asked curiously, noticing his expression. "Or do I even want to know?"
"No," Remus replied, snuggling up to him, "I don't suppose you want. But you'll find out tomorrow." Then he drifted into a light slumber, leaving his lover wondering his words.
The next morning Sirius got up just like usual. Being careful not to wake Severus, who was always angry if woken too early, he got up, scratching his cheek. He padded to the bathroom with only his pyjama pants on, going in front of the mirror. Sirius glanced at the mirror, going to start shaving, but was stuck staring.
He still stood there like an ice statue when Severus came in to the bathroom. Hearing his lover's soft footsteps, Sirius turned around to face him. For a moment they just stared at each other.
"Pray tell me," Severus then said with a weak voice, "do I look the same way as you do?"
"Your face is green with purple polka dots," Sirius replied, trying hard not to let his voice stutter, "and your hair is... pink."
"Pink?" echoed Severus. "You must be kidding!" He rushed to the mirror, peering into it. As he saw himself, his eyes widened in shock. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed. "There's an Order meeting tonight, I can't go around looking like this!"
"Do you think I'm any more eager to show my face as it is?" grumbled Sirius. Raising a hand to wipe a lock of hair behind his ear, he frowned deeply. The lock, like the rest of his hair, was orange. And his skin was red, with blue stripes all over the face.
"If I catch the one who's behind this," Severus vowed, hastily searching for a hooded robe to hide at least his ridiculous hair, "I swear I will kill that bastard..."
"Not if I get there first," Sirius grumbled, trying to change his hair back to the usual shiny black, only to notice that it didn't work. Instead, he just got ridiculous yellow stripes to it.
They had to go to the breakfast as they were, and were relieved to find out that nobody even dared to comment, seeing their furious expressions. When they got to the kitchen, Harry reported that Ron would not come for quite some time - the redhead had woke up to see his bed full of spiders and had fainted right away. Hermione and Remus smirked evilly at this, and Sirius was immediately in full alert.
"You two did this, didn't you?"
"Did what?" the werewolf asked innocently. "We've done nothing out of ordinary. How can you even suggest that?"
Of course, neither of the black-haired men bought this. They gave suspicious glances to both Remus and Hermione for the rest of the day.
At last, it was the Order meeting. Most gave them curious glances, and Tonks even dared to start a question, but a murdering glare from both Sirius and Severus soon shut her mouth. So, the meeting went almost normally for Sirius, until...
Suddenly, he noticed a tingling feeling going through his body. The next thing he realized was that everyone was staring at him. And he was naked.
A quick glance around told that Remus was snickering, Dumbledore trying to keep straight face, Tonks blushing and giggling, Mad-Eye laughing aloud, most of the people staring, and Severus equally naked.
Even worse, however, was the discovery he made as he looked over at his lover. On Severus's chest was written, "I sleep with the ex-convict and all I get is some sort of disease," and he didn't need to look down to know that an almost similar writing went over his own red-and-blue skin. Sirius tried to transform in panic, but noticed that he couldn't. Somebody had placed charms on the kitchen, preventing his Animagus transformation.
Before anyone had time to say anything, the two men sprang up from the table, trying to get out of the room as soon as possible. As Sirius turned around, however, everyone got a sudden laughing fit. On his back was written with clear, big letters, "This is where Sev belongs," and an arrow pointing right into his arse. On Severus's back was a similar arrow, but the text was instead, "Insert Sirius here."
The two black-haired men glanced at each other, then ran out of the room, knowing that their dignity was lost forever.
It certainly didn't help that while rushing out of the room they ran right into the Trio and Ginny, or that Hermione shouted after them that they were cute together.
After that day, nobody ever dared to comment about "the time of the month" in the Grimmauld Place, Number Twelve.
A/N: Okay. I now have eaten my sausage, completely raw like always, and Mum gave me a few bits of good chocolate. But, everyone is still teasing me, so it wasn't too difficult to keep up the mood... . Damn them. What a pity I don't know those charms...
Leave me, Hermione, and Remus chocolate! And if you flame, I'll tell Herm and Remus to put you to their next revenge list...