The Hermione Affair

Ok, I own nothing and I don't count this as slash since it is for comedic purposes! I also stole that challenge that was bouncing around

Hermione sat staring in stunned disbelief at the notice before her. All around her other girls were staring with equal shock and horror at their own papers. It was not a bad grade or a dance invitation that caused these looks of utter surprise. It was the new law, signed into effect this morning at 8:32 pm, that the Ministry of Magic had posted.

"Those utter gits!" one girl was shrieking, throwing her notice down and stepping on it. "They're mad!"

"Bloody bastards!" Another one added, while various other pureblood and mixed blood students looked on in a bemused fashion.

"They can't get away with this," yet another young girl said, also standing. By now the teachers were each reading a copy of the law as well, gazing at each other and the students in numb dismay. "It's against the Constitution!"

"They don't care about some muggle treaty," Hermione said angrily.

Some of the girls looked at her in surprise. "You don't mean that there is nothing we can do about this, do you?" the first one questioned.

"I didn't say that," Hermione replied, a devious and somewhat mad expression crossing her face. "There is something."

"Er…Hermione?" Ron asked, feeling a bit afraid when he saw the expression on her face. "What did that notice say?"

Hermione fixed him with a glare, before throwing the heavy piece of parchment at him. "Read it," she commanded, "aloud."

Ron exchanged a quick look with Harry, who's eyes were wide with confusion and fear, and then began to read.

To Whom It May Concern:

In order to insure the survival of the pureblood wizarding lines, all unmarried muggleborn women between the ages of 19 and 45 are to be

considered eligible to be bid upon by any pureblood male between the ages

of 17 and 60. The formal handfasting will then take place, with or without

the consent of the bride, and she will be required to produce at least two

children, one male and one female. At which time she will be free to find

a new husband of her own choosing. The GREAT MINISTRY HAS SPOKEN!!!!

Conelius Fudge (No relation)

Ron looked up from the paper, totally shell-shocked. Hermione's rage had not abated and her flaming, almost fanatical eyes, were really freaking him out. Then he brightened. "Say, I'm a pureblood wizard; I could marry you!"

Hermione's expression became, if that were possible, even more disgusted. Most of the other girls feigned vomiting while a few truly empathic ones actually did throw up a little. "I'd rather marry Snape then you," she shouted at the hapless Weasly.

"What was that, Miss Granger?" Snape asked, appearing magically ('cause he's magical, duh!) at her side. "I didn't quite catch that."

"I said I'd rather marry you than Ron. What do you think of my proposal?" Hermione asked calmly.

"Absolutely out of the question," Snape said, scowling at the girl, the ceiling, Potter, the floor, Potter, the walls, the tables, Potter, the utensils, the other students, Potter again, and then returning his scowl to the handy bag where he kept it when it wasn't in use.

"Why?" Hermione asked, beginning to get angry at him now as well. In truth she was just generally angry and she was willing to share her homicidal tendencies with anyone who got in her way at the moment.

"You're a student. I'm a teacher. It wouldn't be proper and Dumbledore would never allow it," Snape replied, as if that settled it.

"I've been controlling Dumbledore's every move for years now by way of this nifty slave crown I invented, so I think he'll be saying yes." Hermione said smugly. "Won't you, Albus?" In the background, the headmaster smiled vaguely and waved at her.

Snape's eyes bugged out and his mouth gaped open. "But that's impossible. I've spent time with him drinking brandy and talking! How could you possibly..?"

"I'm a genius," Hermione said with a shrug. "And now I have a mission, so if you'll excuse me, darling-,"

"I never agreed to marry you!" Snape yelled.

"Please, who doesn't want a piece of this?" Hermione asked confidently, gesturing at her uniform-clad body.

Draco stepped up. "The girl's got a point; I've already put in a bid for her."

"Aw, that's nice of you, Malfoy," Hermione said, winking at him.

"You know you're my favorite mudblood," Malfoy said, shrugging off her thanks. "Besides, girlfriend, I totally owe you after you helped me come out with my bisexuality." He cocked a hip at Harry. "How you doin'?" Harry looked vaguely ill but strangely intrigued. Draco slung an arm around a nearby girl's shoulders and then put a hand on Harry's thigh. "I'm thinking threesome."

Ron, already looking a strange green color, began puking up his internal organs under the table. Mostly he was ignored as Hermione resumed her conversation with Snape. "The point is Severus, we make sense together."

"How do you arrive at these insipid conclusions, Miss Granger?" Snape asked angrily.

Hermione shrugged. "Ask the Author," she said pointing.

Snape looked up at the looming face of the fan fiction writer and shook his fist. "Damn you, Author!!!" he screamed. Abruptly he was thrown into a wall and bounced back to his feet where he tripped and fell. Luckily Hermione's lips broke his fall. After wiping his lips, he took out his scowl and aimed it at the Author. "That was a dirty trick!"

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME, SEVERUS SNAPE?" the voice of the Author boomed out from above him.

"Er…no?" Snape asked.


Snape scurried out of the hall as Hermione turned to the muggleborn witches before her. "I'm not standing for this. They are few and we are many! Let us, destroy the Ministry!" she yelled, sounding kind of like Braveheart.

All the girls replied, screaming their guts out like teenie boppers at a N'SYNC concert. "Destroy the Ministry!" came the war chant as the tide of girls, and some boys because they thought it'd be cool, went flowing towards the exit.

"Everyone who can't apparate grab someone who can," Hermione called above the noise of the raging mob.

Within minutes everyone was ready to go and then suddenly they were in front of the Ministry of Magic. They all filed in, breaking through wards with spells, incantations, furniture, and human battering rams. It took about an hour, but eventually Hermione and her army had the entire Council hostage and Cornelius Fudge was tied up in front of her.

"So, Corny," Hermione asked irreverently. "How does it feel to be on your knees in front of a woman for a change. I mean, I know you provide that service for Lucius, but seriously, how long has it been since you've been in a heterosexual relationship?"

"How did you know about that?" Fudge asked in disbelief.

Hermione started, disturbed by the imagery. "I didn't; I was just taunting you. But thanks for that image in my head! My brain will never feel truly clean again!"

"I didn't know he was poof," one of the other Ministers muttered to another.

"Bloody ponce," the other said. "Why'd we even sign that bloody bill?"

"Exactly, why did you sign it?" Hermione asked.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," one insisted.

"I was drunk," another claimed.

"It was a dare!" the next Minister chimed in. "I did it on a dare!"

"I was bribed," the fourth Minister said.





"Threatened, extorted, blackmailed, AND bribed," he said proudly.

Hermione pointed her wand at him and abruptly Avada Kedavrad him. "Unimpressive show off," she said contemptuously.

"Very well, revoke the law and sign in blood on this contract that you will never try and take away the rights of women or else we can kill you all." Hermione replied. "And be quick about it!"

She waited until they had all signed before approaching Fudge. "And you, I hate, so we've decided to kill you and give your position to a more worthy Minister of Magic." She gestured to the door and a man walked in, his cane tapping gently on the floor and his long blonde hair falling in perfectly styled waves.

"Lucius Malfoy!" all the girls cried, some fainting. Of course, whether it was in fear or they were overwhelmed with lust, we'll never know.

"Actually no," Hermione replied. "It's Jason Isaacs in a blonde wig. I fooled you all though!" She grinned. "Besides me making Jason Minister of Magic, I should also inform everyone who just signed these contracts in blood that you've actually just signed your soul over to the devil.

"WHAT!" they all gasped, some of them standing, others merely having mild heart attacks.

"I'm sorry," she said. "But I had to make a deal to be sure that this whole 'subjugation of women' law was stopped and I certainly wasn't giving up MY soul!" She laughed then, as the other girls recovered and began to file out of the building in groups. When everyone was finally out and the Ministers had all gone off to try and cheat Satan, Hermione was the only one left.

"And now I have something of a dilemma," she was saying as Jason massaged her back. "I love you because you're so pretty but I love Snape because he's so hot. How can I choose?" At that very moment Snape burst through the door, the entire Order of the Phoenix with him.

"What's going on? Where are the Deatheaters?" Dumbledore asked. "We got a message that there was a battle in the Ministry of Magic."

"There was a battle, but there weren't any Deatheaters. I've taken care of it," Hermione said. "And I killed Fudge," she added, pointing at his body.

"About time," Snape muttered, earning himself a jab in the ribs from McGonagall, before narrowing his eyes at Jason. "Why is Lucius Malfoy massaging your back, Hermione?" Snape asked from between clenched teeth.

"Why, are you jealous?" she asked.

"No!" Snape said vehemently.

"Then what does it matter?"

"He's a death eater!" Snape almost shrieked. The others went off to look over the room.

"You know, he kinda screams like a girl," Hermione said. Jason nodded solemnly. "I kind of like that," she added. Jason gave her a steady look. "Right, I guess we'd better discuss this somewhere more private." She grabbed Snape, dragging him off to an empty conference room. There were games of boggle to play, scrabble tournaments to enter, and chess boards to 'accidentally' tip over so that everyone forgot where the pieces all were, but somewhere in the world there was an Author who was sitting back in her computer chair and looking utterly confused about where this fanfic was going.


The End