Title: A Sordid and Sorry Tale of Betrayal and Duct Tape

Pairing: Fawkes/Dudley

Rating: pg-13

Warnings: Bestiality, Character Death

Summary (provided by Brodie): Dudely waz walkin down tha street when an old geezer told him he waz an wizard!11! I am? He saud and went to Hogwarrts. There he feell. In love. With the most beautiful bird. But Fawkez loved old man Dumbledore!1! And what happened with the duck tape?:o0 R & r PLZ!!!

A/N: Written for tinderblast who requested Fawkez/Dudderz!1!!! on the occasion of reaching 500 watchers on my livejournal.

The unfortunate truth was that Fawkes had very bad taste in men. Albus had gotten him out of that horrible mess with Grindelwald, for which Fawkes would eternally be grateful to the old wizard. The things he had done for that Dark Lord still filled Fawkes with shame.

And before Grindelwald, and Albus' intervention, there had been Mordred, and before him there had been Xantippe, and before her there had been Zacharias, all the way back through Salazar Slytherin to Vivienne herself, the witch who created Fawkes, or at least, gave the phoenix a name and an identity to remember through the burnings.

If it weren't for Albus, Fawkes was certain he would now be sitting on Voldemort's shoulder. That boy Riddle had been such a temptation... But Fawkes had been strong, remained faithful to the good and honest wizard who had freed him from that abusive and self-destructive relationship with Grindelwald.

Fawkes tried to be a good phoenix. He didn't stray and he loved only Albus; Albus Dumbledore who was a Light wizard to rival Merlin (and Fawkes remembered Merlin) and could be trusted to prevent Fawkes from straying to the dark once more. He aided Albus and his Order, lent his name and became a symbol, a banner of sorts.

One would think that learning the same lesson again and again for over a millennium would have finally lodged itself in Fawkes. But every time he burned and was born anew, he was a clean slate ready and eager to be sullied.

For fifty long years Fawkes was good, and resisted temptation. But the unfortunate, and undeniable truth was that he had very bad taste in men.

Dudley had ranted and raved and thrown tantrums (but I want to go to Smeltings!), and his parents hadn't liked it much, but in the end he was on the Hogwarts Express on his way to freak school. His stupid freak cousin was hiding in some compartment with a bunch of redheads, and Dudley himself was busy cleaning his new wizard boots in the lav. Stupid toad, although the crunch it had made under his boots had been rather satisfying.

Later Dudley was sorted into Slytherin. He had to admit that wizarding food was good. Lots of it, and before the feast had ended he'd bonded with two other Slytherin first years: Vince and Greg. Later in their dormitory the rat-faced blond boy made some remarks that Dudley didn't understand (mudblood?) but were obviously insults. Well, his wand wasn't as big and handy as his Smeltings stick (it still really smarted that they hadn't let him keep it), but Dudley had ten years of experience of putting short little boys in their place.

Malfoy sulked and whined about 'wait til my father', but Dudley ignored him and spent most of the night discussing what breakfast would be like with Vince and Greg.

Classes sucked, although Potions was cool. Not Potions itself, but the teacher. Snape was a right bastard, but left Dudley and the other Slytherins alone in favour of making Harry's life miserable. Harry hunting had become more difficult now that the little freak had actually managed to make some friends. Fortunately Dudley had made some friends of his own, and Malfoy wasn't so bad in the end because he hated Harry as well, even if he did sometimes need reminding that Dudley was bigger and stronger than him.

At the end of the year the Headmaster (who in Dudley's opinion was a real fruitcake and as batty as their neighbour Mrs Figg) called Dudley to his office to 'have a talk'. Dudley tuned out the old man's lecture on tolerance and family loyalty and other such nonsense. He was too busy staring at the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his life. And the beautiful creature was staring back at Dudley.

He later found out from Harry (sat on him during the holidays until he told) that the beautiful creature was Fawkes, a phoenix. Not even the fifty-two presents his parents got Dudley for his birthday could make up for the fact that he did not have Fawkes. He dreamt of the phoenix all summer long, and woke up hard, frustrated and determined. What Dudley wants, Dudley gets.

Fawkes tried to be strong. He tried overcompensating, doting on the Harry boy instead, bringing him the hat and the sword, crying to heal his wounds, but Fawkes' heart was just not in it. He tried to hide his desire from Albus. Albus was a good wizard, had only been kind and giving with Fawkes, he did not deserve this.

But Fawkes was only a phoenix, and a weak one at that. No matter how much he tried to deny the truth, it was Dudley Dursley he wanted. The way Dudley looked at him, hungry and with longing, told Fawkes that this desire was not unrequited.

So when the opportunity presented itself, Fawkes took it. The summer before Dudley's sixth year, after Black's death, Albus would send Fawkes to check up on Harry. Little did the Headmaster know that his phoenix was gone so long not because he was comforting a distraught and depressed Harry Potter, but because he was fucking Dudley in the next bedroom.

Vernon and Petunia blamed Harry for the smoke and spontaneous fires.

Dudley had had enough of sharing his Fawkes with some senile old man. He had passed his NEWTS, survived some mental Dark Lord's attempt to take over the world, and was now a qualified wizard and ready to make his mark. He would be leaving Hogwarts, but he was not leaving without Fawkes.

They'd argued and fought, then had sweaty bed-burning blistering make-up sex, and in the end Fawkes had agreed. He would let Dudley in, but made Dudley promise he would not have to watch.

So on the eve of his departure from Hogwarts Dudley crept up into the Headmaster's office, and Fawkes let him into Dumbledore's private quarters. The old man struggled, but Dudley tied him up with Muggle duct tape, that for some strange reason was magic resistant. Nonetheless the wizard nearly got away, and Dudley was forced to bash him over the head with a convenient candelabra.

Fawkes cried, but not on the still Dumbledore, as he pointed out Dumbledore's hidden stash of priceless magical artefacts, and the keys to his vaults. Dudley was still stuffing his pockets when the castle alarms suddenly went off. He threw open the bedroom window, grabbed Fawkes' legs, and jumped out. Together, phoenix and wizard made their escape into the sunrise as Dumbledore lay dead on the floor.

The Aurors looked in vain for the murderer of Albus Dumbledore; the case was never solved. Dudley lived happily ever after with Fawkes, scamming pensioner wizards and witches on the Costa in Spain.

the end