First off, NO FLAMES PLEASE! If you don't like the story, then don't review. My weak heart cannot take the abuse of flamers.
I do not own Naruto nor will I ever…I do wish that I did though!
There will probably be some grammar mistake so don't hate me for it, please.
Since this fic is the character's inner thought, their personality might be a little different then how they act.
Lastly, please review. I live for reviews!
WARNING!!!!!!! This chapter contains spoilers about Sasuke and his past. Also, if you do not know about the Mangekyou sharingan and the incident that relates to that, then I suggest that you do not read this chapter due to the fact that I don't want to spoil the plot of Naruto for you. When Sasuke leaves, I assume what will happen afterwards so that part might be not true. Oh, and if you don't know who Sasuke wants to kill for revenge then don't read this too! Please heed my warning! If you already know about Sasuke's past, then enjoy this chapter.
How I Really Feel – Chapter Four Sasuke
Become a fine shinobi like your brother.
My chichi-ue always said this to me whenever we talked. This is one of the memories that I remember so vividly from my family… the family that I had so long ago.
The past is something that I cannot escape from. No matter how much I hope and pray, my memories will always be there. These memories play over and over in my head as if it is an old record player. My memories are what keeps' me living in an empty shell full of loathing towards the aniki that I use to admire, my aniki whom I now would rather kill then hug.
I loved him very much then. My aniki, Itachi had everything that he could want, so why did he commit such an awful crime?
I remember the praise, the prestige and the love that he got from my chichi-ue and his friends. I remember it all because all those times that he was acknowledged, I was forgotten. My chichi-ue made sure that everyone knew how proud he was of Itachi when he advances as a shinobi.
As expected from my child…entering the anbu squad, I knew I could trust you with my heart.
The words he spoke that day echoes in me everyday.
My aniki, although I loved him, I also hated him as well. He was recognized, while I was the son that didn't compare to his level. I remember the stabbing pain in my heart whenever my chichi-ue would over look my accomplishments just to once again praise my aniki in his own way.
That one day long ago I felt so proud of myself. I was number one in every thing in my school. I surpassed all of the students there. I thought that this was the day that he would praise me, just like he praised him. We kneeled in the Uchiha household while I waited for him to speak. I was so very happy… that is until he finally spoke to me.
Keep this up and become a fine shinobi like your aniki.
I don't know how I looked at that moment, but if my face looked like what my heart felt then I would probably look disappointed. Yes, disappointed, but not at my chichi-ue, but at myself because I didn't work hard enough to gain his praise.
It throbbed then, my heart. It throbs now. I was only a child. My small body didn't know how to contain the emotional pain. I don't think that I would ever know how to contain it. Do you blame me? No one taught me how.
I trained almost everyday after that incident. My body was worn and bruised; yet I pushed myself to grow stronger. My okaasan always lectured to me that I had to take better care of myself but I didn't listen. I just wanted to be strong.
Itachi was there for me most of the time when I needed someone. The day I entered the academy, he was there. He missed one of his missions to be there for me. He also reminded my chichi-ue about that important day of mine. You would think that as my chichi-ue, he would remember his own son's important day.
He would also train me when he could, since my chichi-ue wouldn't. He taught me many things of which I do not remember now, but mostly he taught me how I was not as worthless as I thought I was. I could depend on him whenever I needed him, but eventually that had to end.
I notice then that he forgot about me once and a while. He would be gone for a long time and when I did see him, he would go up to his room by himself. I didn't think much of it. He was an anbu. Anbus are known to work long and dangerous missions.
Then one day my views on Itachi changed.
His best friend, Shisui committed suicide. Many of the Uchihas believed that Itachi was the one to kill him, but I didn't believe it. They treated each other like brothers.
I saw it that day. His eyes were not the regular sharingan. They were more dangerous, more terrifying.
This isn't my aniki.
I see my chichi-ue looking at Itachi as if her was a psycho. I didn't know what was happening to my family. My chichi-ue never looked at Itachi with anything less than a proud look. What changed while I was away in the forest training?
I notice after that that my aniki and my chichi-ue have become less sociable with each other. I was confused and worried. That is until my chichi-ue told me that he wanted to teach me an Uchiha technique.
He took me to the pier that afternoon. It was beautiful that day. I can still remember the fishes jumping every which way. The air was so crisp. He performed the Katon goukakyuu no jutsu hand signals and I copied them, however, instead of a gigantic fireball, I created a whip of fire that you would use to light a cigarette. He was disappointed at me, I could tell. He walked away from me with a few departing words and went back home for supper.
I hated that look he gave me. It was a look that I wanted to erase from his face.
After a week or so of training, I asked my chichi-ue back to the pier. I told me that I still did not have enough chakra to perform the jutsu, but I proved him wrong. I created the biggest fireball the world has ever seen.
That day he finally said the words that I long to hear.
As expected, you are my child.
He also said a few words that I did not expect to hear from his mouth.
Do not follow after your brother.
A few weeks later, I witness the most gruesome event that can ever exist in anyone's life.
The death of the Uchihas.
Bodies laid on every corner of the street. Blood painted walls were closing in on me from every direction. I ran. I ran home to my family. I wanted to know if they were all right. I wanted to know if they were even alive.
I hear my okaasan once I reached the door. She didn't want me to come in, but she was my mother. I had to protect her. I slowly opened the door to find both my okaasan and chichi-ue on the floor, dead. A figure stood above them. A figure that I thought would never commit such a crime. Itachi.
After confirming that Itachi did kill them, I ran blindly to kill him but slipped on my parent's blood. I looked into my chichi-ue's dead eyes and cried. I couldn't protect them. They were murdered my their so called genius son.
I ran. I ran away in fear for my life. Itachi caught up to me quickly.
They were lies, those comforting moments that I had with him. When he took care of me, when he comforted me, when he praised me, they were all lies, lies that he created to mess with me.
The eyes. Those eyes again. What were they?
He told me that eyes like his were special. Those eyes are Mangekyou sharingan, the strongest Uchiha eyes you can have. But they weren't normal eyes. They were eyes received under one painful rule.
You must kill your closet friend.
Before I blacked out, he said a few words that would shape and mold me to the creature that he wanted.
It would be worthless to kill someone like you my foolish otouto. If you want to kill me…curse me! Hate me and live a long and unsightly life …run away…run away…and cling to your pitiful life and some day, when you have the same eyes as me. Come before me.
Oh, how I want to kill him.
Now, a few years later from the Uchiha massacre, I became a genin and had two teammates. One Sakura Haruno, a pink haired, annoying yet caring girl. The other, Uzamaki Naruto, a blond loudmouth with a mission to defeat me.
In the beginning, we had many problems working together. None of us knew what the word teamwork meant. On our first mission, Naruto was scared and couldn't move. The girl couldn't do much but look around the scenery, so I had to act fast. I was great. I mocked the scaredy cat and left with my sensei.
On the battle with Zabuza, I froze. My fears were eating me up inside. My sensei eased me a little but eventually, he was trapped in a water shield. Who would have known that dead last would come up with such a great idea to save the day?
After days of training, our first and last battle with Haku started. He was strong, too strong. I thought that I was doing well at first, but once he put his ice mirrors up, I was done for. Baka dead last came into the trap as well. There was nothing I could do but to protect him. I don't know why I did. Call it reflex.
How I hate that dobe.
I survived. I woke up with Sakura on top of me crying. All I could feel at the time was relief, relief because I could still get my revenge on Itachi.
The Chunnin exam came around. We met up with a thick browed guy. He looked stupid and week so when he challenged me, I accepted. Of course, Naruto got in the way, but he got beaten down quickly.
He told us that he was the strongest genin in Konoha. Of course I was laughing inside. Him, the strongest genin in Konoha?
We fought but he was fast, real fast. I was getting killed. It was a good thing that that turtle came in when it did. The weird teacher that came later, who mysteriously looks like the guy I was fighting (must have been his love child, but who would sleep with that guy) beat him up for using a forbidden technique.
I was angry. That made three people that were stronger than me. First Itachi, then Haku and now him.
After the scene the guy (I found out his name was Lee) and his sensei (I found out his name is Gai and he is also Kakashi sensei's rival) made, Lee told me that he was lying. He said he wasn't the strongest genin. His white-eyed teammate was.
That made four people stronger than me.
More work needed to be done.
After meeting Orochimaru in the forest during our exam, I received the cursed seal. It ate at me. My body was burning inside out.
After my first battle in the arena, Kakashi sealed my seal up. I passed that part of the exam so Kakashi and I left to go train in a secluded area. I fought against Gaara, and boy was he mad. I guess I was the first person to ever make him feel pain. That made my ego go way up.
The 3rd Hokage died. Orochimaru killed him. I was saddened since he was a good man. He helped me a lot after the Uchiha massacre. I owe him a lot.
I stand on the roof of the academy, looking over Konoha. It was the least that I could do considering what happen a few months ago.
I did what I never thought I would… betray the Leaf.
I left with Orochimaru's lackeys. Naruto came after me. That day I made it clear to him that I would kill him, not because I hated him, but because he is my closet friend. It had to be done in order for me to have the Mangekyou sharingan. We fought long and hard, but Naruto made it his personal mission to beat into my head that Orochimaru is not what I need.
After healing in Konoha, I was informed that Choji, Neji, Shikamaru, Kiba, Lee, Gaara and the rest helped out to get me back. Truly I am very grateful for that. They risk their lives to help me.
So now I'm back here in Konoha, watching over them. I train hard everyday, but I promise myself that I will not lose myself. I've been unhappy since the day my family died. I do not plan to stay this way.
I'm glad I have such great friends, but of course I'm not going to admit it to them.
Kakashi sensei. You are a very perverted man. I hope your ways do not rub off on me. You are strong, smart and very reliable…well; you're reliable when it doesn't concern time. I'm honored that I got you for my sensei. I don't know how I would have react if I got Gai sensei as my teacher. Maybe I would have turned into another Lee. Oh, I shudder at that thought. You taught me more then my chichi-ue and aniki ever had. Although I love my chichi-ue, you are the one who took the time to acknowledge me.
Sakura. You're still annoying. You don't know how much I loathed you then. The day we were assign together, we spoke near the academy. I will always remember what you said about Naruto then.
He's so lucky, all alone, parents never getting on his case.
Do you remember what my response was?
The sadness of having a parent yell at you is nowhere near what he feels.
Naruto and I were very much alike. When we both go home at night, we have no one there waiting for us. The silence is deafening. The emptiness, the loneliness, the pain numb us from the tips of our toes to the top of our heads.
I don't loathe you anymore, Sakura. I've changed a little and so have you. You're not as rude to Naruto anymore. You're a very caring person when you want to be. Although you are still annoying, I guess it is for all the right reasons. You worry about Naruto, Kakashi sensei and I. You don't want us to get hurt so you annoy us until we promise to be careful. You have grown in this past year, Sakura. You will be a fine woman when you grow up.
And you, Naruto, you changed me the most out of everyone else. You showed me the errors of my ways along with Neji and Gaara. We all owe you a lot. You are a baka, that's for sure, but you're a baka with intelligence that surpass my own. You're wiser than you look, dobe.
I understand you, Naruto. Although I don't know why the villagers hate you, I can understand your pain. To be unacknowledged is like people telling you that you don't exist at all. I guess that is why you're my best friend, Naruto. We are both lonely, abandon and hurt. We live each day even though it pains us to do so. We're both unhappy and depressed; yet we work hard to change that… I work hard to change that.
It's getting tiring to live our lonely life. I want to change. We all do.
I want to be happy again.