Disclaimer – Lawyers… unfortunately, this is our last chapter together T.T .:cries:. I'm gonna miss you guys so much!!! .:lawyers all nodding and crying as well:. Here's a cake to thank you guys for everything!! .:presents a cake and hugs them all:. Of course, it's only bye bye until I start up a new story! You guys are still gonna back me up and be my lawyers forever and ever!! I love you guys and will see you when I start on my new story! And yes, I will be there in court on May 28th. Don't worry. Sheesh… lawyers.
Everyone, I would like to dedicate this last chapter of this story to all my reviewers! You guys are awesome and I love you all! So this last chapter is dedicated to you all!!. :3
-:Final Chapter:- Chapter 51 – Just Watch Me…Please
"So wait… wait a minute. You're telling me that… that I have another person inside of me? As in… like… I'm insane?" he asked frowning at the thought. He didn't want to be insane… He liked being… well……sane. And to say that he had another person inside of him was saying that he was insane and had gone …insane! Head swarming with strange thoughts, confusion danced around in his eyes.
Kagome shook her head and began the explanation. "Well… no. It's not another person, but rather another personality. You're the nice, thoughtful Inuyasha while your other personality is the mean, rude Inuyasha. You two are complete opposites. And while he can hear and see everything you hear and see, it's apparent that you can't. That's why you have the memory gap. Um, you went to see a therapist last week and you're supposed to go again… but only if you're up for it."
He blinked a few times before saying, "So… everything I am, he's not and everything he is, I'm not." He unknowingly repeated the same line that his other personality had spoken to the therapist.
She nodded and replied, "Yeah…… pretty much. I guess that because the other Inuyasha couldn't express or vent out his…… kindness, you… came. I suppose. Of course, I don't know if it's true or not, but that's just my guess."
"Oh…" he said softly, thoughts weighing heavily down his mind. "Um… I think I need to – to – to … uh, to go think this out… I mean I need to be alone… right now… sorry Kagome." With that, he quickly went upstairs, Kagome barely getting in a 'are you okay?' question.
Picking a random door, he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him, locking it. A loud sigh was released as he leaned against the wooden door, slowly sliding down onto the floor.
"……What's going on with me?"
His gold eyes disappeared under a pair of fluttering eyelids. What should he do now? How could he live like this? Knowing that while on the surface he may seem perfectly normal, on the inside, he was insane. Insane!
He felt everything that he had ever known come crashing down. How could this happen? Why… was this happening to him? Wasn't he just himself? His own person? His own personality that didn't have to share his mind with another personality?
"Why is it that… whenever things start going great… something always has to happen that ruins it? Why? What did I do? I… I don't understand," he spluttered out, feeling a hot wetness in his eyes. "It's my mind… it's my mind… it's my mind… it's my mind!!" he yelled, clutching onto his head.
As tears leaked down his cheeks, he said softly, "It's…… it's my mind… right? There's no one else in there… but me… right? It's all just me… just me… no one else…"
Feeling the warm, moist tears sliding down against his skin, Inuyasha brushed them away and suddenly found himself wondering, would the other him cry? Shaking his head, he said once more, "There is no other me. It's just me and my mind. Nothing and no one else." Taking in a copious amount of air, he tried calming himself down. When it didn't work, he tightly squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out all logical and illogical thoughts. What was happening to him was normal… there was nothing wrong with him. Kagome must have gotten it mixed up. It's all just a bit misunderstanding. One that just needed to be cleared up for everyone to see.
A soft knock followed by a "Inuyasha?" broke him away from his thoughts.
He immediately jumped to his feet and opened the door at once saying, "Ye-yeah? What is it Kagome? Something wrong?" A smile fit his face as he spoke each word. Staring at him, she replied, "Um, no, not at all. But… I was just wondering if you were okay. I mean… this must be really hard for you to believe and understand… and it's a lot to take in… especially not even within fifteen minutes after you…… 'woke up'." She tried to laugh but it came out dry.
The smile, if possible, radiated of kindness and warmth even more so than before making it all the more… pleasant. Kagome felt herself drowning. "Don't worry Kagome. I mean… I was in shock at first, hey who wouldn't be!, but I think I'm over it now. All I have to do is make sure that my other personality doesn't get out. That way, he won't have a chance of screwing anything up, right?" he asked, his voice calming. "Besides… this body and mind rightfully belong to me."
She didn't mention to him that he was the "guest" and that the other personality was the original, or rather host. Instead, she smiled at him and said, "Um yeah… they belong to you. But um… I still think that you should go visit the therapist. He might be able to tell you… more about what's happening inside… of you."
Inuyasha looked as though he was seriously considering the offer when he spoke, "No. It's fine. I don't need to know what's happening inside of me because I already know." His smile not even altering as he repeated the line which he had spoken many times, "It's my mind."
- - - -
Kagome closely watch Inuyasha as he moved around the kitchen, doing something she would have never expected from him. Cooking. He was faintly humming an unfamiliar tune as he moved from the stove to the refrigerator, taking out three eggs. He was unrecognizable in her eyes as they followed his every movement.
As Inuyasha was cutting what looked liked onions, the sharp blade dug itself into the skin of his finger. "Ouch!" he muttered, sticking the finger into his mouth without delay. The knife was set down onto the cutting board as he searched for a towel. Feeling a pair of eyes on his back, Inuyasha turned his head to see Kagome intently staring at him. She blushed lightly and quickly looked away, scolding herself for allowing herself to be caught staring at him.
"Don't worry Kag. It's just a scratch," he called from the kitchen, assuming that she had seen the little accident that he had with the knife. "It'll heal up in no time, literally!" Immediately after, a small chuckle followed the words.
"Of course…" she answered, feeling a twinge of pain upon hearing the "nickname" Kag. Just another reminder telling her that this person in the kitchen wasn't her Inuyasha. She found herself longing for Inuyasha to complain, be rude and blunt, say a curse every other word, pretend not to care…
A voice interrupted her thoughts. A voice which she no longer recognized as it was chalked filled with sweetness and kindness. "Are you okay Kagome? You seem a bit strange lately." She shook her head and said absentmindedly, "Oh no… sorry…… I was just lost in thought I guess. You know how I can get…"
Laughter pleasing to the ears floated through the warm air causing Kagome to wince at its effects. It was cut short and replaced by a yelp. The raven haired girl instantly headed over to the kitchen, worried that he had done something like cut off a finger or two.
Seeing that his mouth was occupied by his middle finger, she said, feigning a smile, "Need some help?" He turned around and said with a sheepish smile, "Yeah, probably." Kagome picked up the discarded knife and took over slicing the vegetables. A pair of strong arms encircled her waist and she was pulled back slightly into a flooding warm. Weight was added upon her shoulder as Inuyasha rested his chin there. Lips brushing against her ear, sending shivers down her spine as the warm breath fanned gently across her skin, whispered softly, "I've missed you…"
Another aspect of Inuyasha that didn't belong. She sighed inwardly while saying with a small, soft giggle, "How so? You and I have been together all day today." In her mind, she added, 'Of course… you're not my Inuyasha. Not the one that I know…'
"I know… but I still have missed you. There's this strange… hole in my chest that can't be filled… it feels like I'm missing a part of me and I can only become whole when you're around me. So even if you're gone for a second… I miss you." Then after a moment's thought, he added with emphasis, "A lot."
Kagome turned her head to the side to face him when she became vaguely aware of how close they were. She felt herself blushing lightly and feeling a fluttering sensation in her stomach and heart. Since when did being so painstakingly close to Inuyasha feel so strange?
Warm air danced across her lips as Inuyasha's own descended onto hers. She closed her eyes in anticipation, wondering if the "other Inuyasha" was watching. Lips lightly pressed against her own in a chaste kiss. Just as quickly as the warmth came, it disappeared from her lips, leaving them strangely cold.
Why did it feel so… so…… different with this side of Inuyasha?
- - - -
Inuyasha found himself surrounded by a ceaseless darkness that stretched as far as he could see in all directions. A mirror stood in front of him, glaring his own reflection out into his golden eyes.
"Who are you?" He heard his voice speaking without any warning.
To his astonishment, the reflection spoke back, his voice harsh, "Who the hell does it look like you bastard?" There was an evident hint of annoyance in his tone that would be hard to miss. Inuyasha answered back, feeling offended, "Well how do you expect me to know really. You look like me… you almost sound like me…… but you're not me. Because I'm standing here outside of the reflection while you're in it."
The reflection him threw him a cold, aggravated glare. "Hell no thank God! Fuck no I'm not you!! I would rather rot in hell than be you. You're such a fucking pansy-assed son of a bitch."
"At least I'm not a crude, annoying idiot," he snapped back, wondering in a daze where that had come from. This caused the reflection to smirk.
"Anyways, get the hell out of my head you asshole," replied reflection Inuyasha as he let out a yawn. The other one frowned and said, "What are you talking about? You're the one inside of my head. If anything, it should be me telling you to get the hell out."
A quick 'feh' was thrown into the air and he responded easily, keeping his temper in check. "You wanna know why you're here in this world? It's cause of me. I accidentally created you when I went into the coma. Since then, you've been coming out and taking over my body. It's actually become pretty inconvenient and annoying. So I'm telling you to get the hell out. This body and mind are mine."
"Yours? No… no that can't be right. That's wrong…" he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "This body and mind… they don't belong to you."
"No. I'll tell you what doesn't belong. You. The house, the clothes, the body, the mind, Kagome! None of it belongs to you! You aren't real!! You don't exist!! You're just a part of me that was altered!!" yelled Inuyasha in the mirror. He then added brusquely, "Which is why you never feel whole and always feel incomplete."
"How did you know that?" he asked, frowning. "Tha–tha–that I always felt empty? How do you know that? Why do you know that?"
Twitching faintly, the other said huffily, "I just told you! You're a part of me that was altered! Basically, you're incomplete!! Besides… I can hear what you say and think stupid ass."
"You hear me and read my mind, and probably even see what I see! But why can't I?! Why can only you see and hear everything that I do!?!" he asked yelling, feeling confused as tears filled his eyes and blurred his vision.
"Because you're only part of me. You don't have full control while I do. And why the hell are you crying?!" asked Inuyasha, scowling at his other personality. "Such a fucking sissy!!"
The other personality snapped and screamed, "Shut up!! You really are a low, crude, egotistical asshole!! Don't tell me shit like I'm actually a part of you!! That's just sickening and an insult to me dammit!! I want you to get the hell out of my mind!!"
"What part of, IT'S MY MIND!!!, do you not understand?! None of this belongs to you!! None!! You're just a shell!! An incomplete, hollow, pansy of a shell!!" His reflection's arm shot out and grabbed his collar, pulling him in towards the mirror's surface. He could feel the coldness radiating off of the glassy surface. "You're nothing! So get the fuck out of my mind and stay the fuck away from Kagome!! She's mine."
A look of disgust filled the other's face whose expression was usually calm. "Yours?! Kag isn't some like of trophy that you can claim as or for your own! She's a person too!! And she doesn't belong to you or me!! And why the hell should I stay away from her?! You're the one that seems demented and crap! Besides!! If I really am a part of you, you're basically telling yourself to stay away from her."
"Too bad you're not me!" he growled out, glaring at a pair of mirror identical eyes. "So stay the fuck away from her."
The Inuyasha outside of the mirror cringed inwardly. He couldn't handle the hostility and found himself weakening, both mentally and physically. In the safety of his own mind, one which he did not have to share with his "other" personality, he knew that he wouldn't be able to endure it much longer. "This isn't… you can't… control me…" he huffed out, feeling the air slowly leave his lungs.
Inuyasha in the reflection smirked slightly and said with a hint of malice, "Really? Is that what you think? Feh. I'll rip "your" mind up into shreds from the inside."
The two of them could hear a sudden voice interrupting their "conversation". It persisted, pestering both the reflection and himself. But more so the reflection than himself. "God damn wench. What the hell is her problem?"
"Inuyasha? Inuyasha! Are you okay?" came a voice, concern lacing each word.
Eyes shot open and blinked several times as if in a daze. "Huunnhh—? Kagome? …What's up?" he asked groggily, feeling strangely cold. "Actually… what time is it?"
The raven haired girl quickly answered, "3:28. But that's not important… Inuyasha, are you okay? You were rolling around, mumbling things and sweating. Did you have a nightmare or something?" She placed a cool hand against his forehead and frowned. "You don't have a fever… so I'm guessing that you're not sick."
"I'm fine Kagome. Don't worry about me and go back to sleep," he responded, pushing away her hand and trying to smile. Upon seeing her skeptical frown, he added, "Don't worry. It was just a nightmare. Nothing more." When his answer was met with silence, Inuyasha firmly placed both hands on her shoulders and shifted his body to face her.
He pushed her down back onto the bed, half lying on top of her. Letting go of her shoulders, his hands moved to hold her wrists against the pillow just as he dipped his head to capture her lips with his own in a gentle kiss. Almost instantly, her worries dissipated into the air as she allowed his lips to move against her own, his tongue teasingly flicking out every so often to run across her bottom lip. She could feel the rapid, yet fluttering beats of her heart against her chest, as though the two of them were sharing their first kiss. Inwardly, Inuyasha could feel himself grinning for some reason, even though that later, he would pay hell for it.
- - - -
"Fucking son of a bitch!!!" yelled Inuyasha, letting a fist fly. It collided with his other personality's face, causing a yelp to escape from his lips as he fell back from the force of the attack, landing ungracefully on his butt. He clutched onto his eye, feeling the pain pulsate throughout his head. "Didn't I tell you to stay away from Kagome?" he asked after calming down his nerves. He crossed his arms and bent down so that his face was level with his other self.
"Now… do you see what happens when you decide to go around touching my Kagome?" he asked, growling lightly. Even so, his outer expression was strangely calm.
The kinder Inuyasha released his eye and winced. His eye had swollen and turned a nasty shade of red going on to purple already. "Like I said before… she's not yours. She doesn't belong to anyone but herself. So stop claiming her as your own, acting like she's your property," he spat out almost spitefully. "Selfish bastard."
"I've told you before… haven't I? It's my job to beat the living shit out of your mind until you finally fucking admit that it isn't yours. It would be so much fucking easier if you would just go away and let me take control of my body."
Cradling his head in a hand pushed against his forehead, the Inuyasha outside of the mirror spoke quietly. "What's so wrong about wanting to live?"
The other him stiffened slightly at the words and turned away, standing up to his full height. "When it's in my body… yeah. Yeah there's something wrong with that. I did not suffer and wait for almost 10 years to see Kagome live out the rest of her life with a person… or rather personality that isn't me," he replied indignantly. Then, clearing his throat lightly, he added, "Besides… it's not like you're going to die when you become part of me again."
"Yeah… yeah… that's true. That's true."
And just like that, the blackness and the mirror disappeared, taking away with it the reverse Inuyasha.
- - - -
The dreams became a frequent occurrence. From the moment he closed his eyes to the second he opened them, his "other" personality seemingly tried to torture his mind and mental state of being. Sometimes, when it became too intense to handle, even his physical well-being would begin to suffer, causing intense illnesses.
A week and a day passed and like every other night for that week and day, Kagome sat up in the bed, staring down at Inuyasha's wriggling body. Watching. Listening. She could only indistinctly hear words leaving his mouth. As a few minutes passed, the words he muttered slowly became clearer, but still sounded foreign and far from her ears.
"It's my mind… you have no control over it… you're hallucinating… get away… get out of my head… I control my head… my mind… not you! You have no hold over my mind!! Or my body!! Get away from me!!"
"Inuyasha!! What's wrong?! Are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked anxiously. "Wake up Inuyasha!! Wake up already!!"
He grunted and let out a small cry before whimpering, "Please… please stop…… I give… up…… please… please stop it… I'll give up… please…… just… stop…"
Golden eyes glazed with tears appeared, standing out in the bounding darkness. They darted back and forth, scanning and searching the room for an unknown object or person. He struggled to sit up, clutching tightly onto the blanket and sheets. Beads of sweat ran down his face and the faint moonlight revealed unfocused eyes. Kagome placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder in hopes of comforting him.
Inuyasha immediately stiffened and flinched. He jerked away at the touch, yelling, "Don't touch me!!" She drew back her hand and looked as though even she didn't know what to do with it. Her hands finally rested useless in her lap, folded together.
"Sor-sorry Kagome… I just… I had a 'bad dream'." In his head, he included, 'More like a nightmare. But nonetheless… unpleasant.'
"I guess I'm just… I guess I'm a bit jittery and ……still hung up over the dream. Sorry… sorry Kagome," he finished, patiently waiting for his eyes to adjust to the growing darkness. Was it really just a dream? Or was it real…?
Grabbing the bottle of aspirin on the nightstand next to his side of the bed, Inuyasha popped three pills into his mouth and swallowed, not even needing to drown them down with a glass of water. Kagome watched the ritual and stayed silent until he finished. "Another headache?"
It took him a few minutes to register that Kagome was talking to him. "Hm? Oh… yeah." Upon seeing her facial expression, he added, "I'm fine. Promise."
"Inuyasha… what's going on with you lately? Since last week, you've been acting really odd… more distant than usual," she pointed out, not even paying attention to his protests of "being perfectly fine." The frown returned to her lips as she tried once more to place a hand atop his.
"I'm fine. I feel fan-fucking-tastic," he remarked sarcastically, feeling strangely annoyed at her statement. "So stop fucking worrying and saying stupid stuff like that." Why couldn't she ever just shut up? Why was she always asking him stupid questions like if he was feeling fine or if anything was wrong? The hell something was wrong!! He was being broken apart slowly inside of his own mind! By himself nonetheless.
As he silently sat, head down and silvery bangs covering his face, Kagome retracted her hand feeling that it was out of place. Lately, he had begun to act more like the Inuyasha she had known for all her life. More and more, he was letting foul words and insults slip by from his tongue, the harsh roughness returned to him for fleeting moments before dissolving with apologies, and the coarseness of his voice would reappear even if it was just for a few seconds. Regardless of how slow the actually process was, Kagome knew that the Inuyasha she had known was fighting back to regain control.
But it wasn't just that he was becoming more and more like regular Inuyasha. There were other small things that told her that Inuyasha was fighting. Whenever his eyes met with her own, they quickly moved away to another location, pretending to study whatever it was that he was looking at. Upon her arrival into a room, Inuyasha would quickly turn tail and flee from the place. When asked about it later, he used all sorts of excuses to cover it up, saying things like he didn't see her or that he had remembered something he had to do. But what caught her attention the most was… He would jerk away at her touches as though she had burned him and apologize, trying to blame it on his nightmares. Even when they would accidentally brush up against each other, Inuyasha would jump nearly six feet into the air and apologize profusely with a pale look of helplessness and fear visibly glistening in his eyes.
Sighing deeply, Inuyasha muttered out another apology before lying back down onto the mattress, turning onto his side so that his back was facing Kagome. Without another word, he closed his eyes, wondering if sleep really would return. Not that he wanted it to. Both body and mind feeling utterly powerless and weak, he immediately drifted off into a (thankfully) dreamless sleep.
- - - -
Another week had come and gone and the raven haired girl watched Inuyasha as he stumbled into the living room, falling over onto the couch clumsily. As usual, a frown graced her lips as she thought silently. He had been at work for most of the day. But even so… he shouldn't be so tired. He had even come home earlier than usual today.
Inuyasha hadn't even noticed her presence in the room being too weary to scan it completely before coming in. To put it bluntly… he looked awful, acted as though he were barely clinging onto the thread of life, and had gotten considerably weaker. She thought out his schedule in her head: Wake up, go to work, come back home, take shower, go to sleep, wake up and start over again. Then it suddenly occurred to her. Did he ever eat?
"Inuyasha…?" she spoke the now foreign name, feeling the precarious name roll off the tip of her tongue uneasily. She was timid… cautious… but mostly… she was afraid. The tears which had slowly begun to gather in her eyes without her knowledge were silently willed away.
Mustering all of his strength, an eye opened as it wearily traveled back and forth to find the source of the sound when his eye landed on her hesitant, worried form. He meekly tried to offer her a smile as a way to show her that he was listening and that he was alright.
"What's wrong with you? You're—You're scaring me. All you ever do is sleep, work, and wake up. You don't talk much anymore and you – and you always scream and talk in your sleep like you're having a nightmare. But when I ask you about it, you just smile and say that everything is okay when it's obviously not! What… what do you expect from me Inuyasha? I really… I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel so useless… because you keep pushing me away when I keep trying to help you. It's like you don't need my help and you don't want it. But really Inuyasha… for how long do you expect me to live this life? Watching you struggle through life while I useless sit by your side. Just watching you, never helping." Small, needless tears surpassed her will as the droplets of salt water trickled down her cheeks, landing onto her perfectly folded hands.
Her voiced concerns and frustrations were met with silence as he forced his other eye to open. Seconds turned into minutes and both knew that the other was stalling… trying to grasp at the receding silence just for a few moments longer. At the comfort of knowing that neither would have to speak whatever words that were begging to be released, rolling on the tips of their tongues, and risk having themselves exposed.
"I…" Her heart leapt at the sound of his rather hoarse voice, her stomach doing flips and tying itself in knots, as she felt lightheaded. "I don't want your help. Don't need it… don't want it… I just want you to watch…" And it all crashed down. "I don't want you to know that it's not okay… I don't want you to worry about me or anything. I don't want you to try and help me whenever you see me struggle. I don't want you to see it at all. I just want you to stand there and watch. Or maybe even turn the other cheek and pretend to not notice anything happening right before your eyes. I really… I really just want you to watch. Nothing more. Nothing less."
Silence filled the air once more as though it had its hold on them, choking them slowly as it dragged on endlessly. Kagome spoke, forcing it to release its hold on the two of them. "Just… just watch? Is that what you want from me Inuyasha? You want me to just watch you and never do anything?"
The tears which hadn't had a chance to fall now freely splashed down onto her face and hands, leaving wet trails on her cheeks. "Fine. If that's what you want… then I guess I have no choice but to……watch. No. I'll do it because I want to."
He shrugged a shoulder and gave her a half-hearted smile before closing his eyes once more. "Go ahead," he threw out carelessly, feeling a heavy weight push inside of him. Inuyasha just wanted this to end. He no longer hopeless clung onto thoughts of keeping this body and mind and no longer tried fighting back in his dreams. All thoughts about this being his mind left just as quickly. If his other personality wanted it, fine. He could have the damn body. And he could have his damn mind back without someone else occupying it. And he could live out the damn life for the both of them. Oops. For himself. He himself was a person. He was just a part of that Inuyasha in his dreams. A personality fragment… a fragment that was separated from its whole.
"Just watch for a little longer Kagome. I promise you… that he'll come back."
She stared at him through tear filled eyes, vision blurred. "He'll come back? What are you talking about Inuyasha? There's no one else."
Inuyasha didn't know what had compelled him to say such a thing. He was just as confused as Kagome was. But more words hurriedly slipped from his lips before he could carefully think about them. "Inuyasha'll come back soon. I'm going to give up the next time I see him so he'll come back to you. So don't worry and don't be sad. Just watch for a little while longer. And then… and then you'll be able to help him. But me… don't bother with me… just…… just watch me. Please…… just watch me."
"Stop talking about yourself in third person! Inuyasha, there aren't two people inside of you!! They're personalities! And what do you mean that the next time you meet him you're going to give up? You're not making any sense! I don't… I don't get what you're saying at all!!" she yelled, clenching her fists tightly.
However, a single word she spoke didn't reach his ears. He was already back in his dreamworld, ready to give up and join back with Inuyasha. Become whole.
- - - -
"You can't seriously mean that…" he retorted to his other personality's request… his plea. The Inuyasha outside of the mirror shook his head and said calmly, a weary smile etched upon his lips, "Yes I can. I'm through. You win. I'm a part of you anyways right? So it's not as if I'm going to die. I'm just going back to where I belong."
Inuyasha took a step back, surprised. His other personality… was begging him to just take control over his mind and body once again. He… he wanted to become whole when just a few days ago, he had been fighting just as hard as himself to keep the mind and body.
"What's up with the sudden change of attitude?" he asked harshly, trying hard to look annoyed and yet pleased at the same time.
The other Inuyasha just kept his pathetic smile as he responded easily, "I'm tired. Besides… I think Kagome really misses you. I'm just tiring her out by constantly causing her to worry. But mostly… I'm just really tired. I guess trying to control your own body and mind is a bit hard when you've always done it as a whole person. The way I am right now… I won't be able to survive another week. And I'm pretty sure that you'd be mad if I got you killed. Besides, I miss being able to just sit back and relax in the back of your brain."
His smile unnerved his harsher self. "Finally. Better not bitch and moan about it later."
"Wouldn't even think about it."
As the two closed their eyes, breathing evenly, their reversed dreamworld began to shatter, pieces crumbling and fading away with the darkness. The mirror shattered as well into five different pieces, with one corner piece missing as though it were a puzzle waiting for its completion. The two were submerged into the dark, silently suffocating them.
As the world came into his vision, slightly hazy at first, Inuyasha immediately felt a splitting headache pressing up against his temples. Feeling groggy, he moaned as the pain grew with each passing moment. He curled up into a ball, hoping that it would help ease the pain.
Great. He finally got his body back and he was in excruciating pain which refused to lessen. After a few moments passed by and the pain grew stronger, Inuyasha stumbled up to his feet and headed to the kitchen, feeling his body burn up. He threw open the refrigerator and scanned its contents. A few moments of deliberation and his hand wrapped around a box of beer? sake? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that it was filled with alcohol which was going to knock him out and block out the damn pain which had moved to his chest.
Box in hand, Inuyasha staggered out the door and fell onto the soft grass, sighing deeply. The cool air did wonders for his body as he popped the lid off of one bottle and chugged down half of its contents. It left him feeling just as empty and pain-filled as before. He vaguely wondered what was wrong with him.
"Gah… it's good to be back… I guess… dammit."
And that was how Kagome came across him. Lying on the blades of grass in their backyard, looking upward with a forlorn look in his eyes as he stared at the nighttime sky. Seven bottles littered the area around him and the eighth and final bottle rested in his hands, nearly empty of its intoxicating poison.
"Inuyasha…?" Sighing loudly, she said without lacing much concern into her voice, "What are you doing out here." It was more of a statement than a question and she said flatly when he didn't answer her, "You're going to catch a cold."
"Pssshhhh!! I'm nawt gwanna woose toa cowdddd," he remarked, stretching out his words as his drunken glazed eyes glanced upwards. "I'm mwwwaachhhh stwangwaaa twhen a shhuutwpid cowwddd!!" He grinned up at her without any shame whatsoever. "Hewooo!!" A little wave was added to make the greeting more… dramatic.
Kagome could feel herself crumpling and quickly took a deep breath. "You're drunk," she impassively as she watched him finish off the contents left in the bottle instead of trying to interfere and stopping him. Just watch me. That was his request after all.
A long pause quietly floated in the drenched alcohol scented air.
"Get up Inuyasha… I need to get you back inside." When there was no answer but a broad grin, she shook her head. She was tired of taking care of Inuyasha and worrying about him every single second of her life. "Get up. We need to go back inside or else you're going to catch a cold and die out here."
As another pause of silence ensued, it took Kagome a few minutes to realize that… that he was crying. Large, salty drops of water rolled down his face as he stared up at the sky, still grinning. And seeing Inuyasha… drunk… smiling… crying… sent her over the edge. Held back tears poured out of her brown eyes as she stared down at him. How he could just lay there, smiling and crying without a care in the world… it was beyond her comprehension.
Tears exhausted, Kagome gingerly sat down next to him, being careful as to not crush too many blades of grass, and looked upward as well, not speaking a word. More words unspoken swirled around, mingling with the air. It created a tense, yet calming atmosphere.
"I'm sorry," he finally said, breaking the perfect shield that the two had so carefully constructed and set up. Words not meant to be spoken were now leaving his very mouth.
Taken back by the sudden words, the raven haired girl snapped her head to stare at him. The tears had long since ceased for her but they were still steadily running down his face which was brightened slightly, in a nostalgic way, by his smile.
"I'm sorry… for never treating you like I should have…" he whispered softly, the heavy scent of alcohol wafting up into her nose. "I was always so mean to you… calling you names like bitch… wench… even when I only wanted to say your name over and over and over."
No. These words… they were not meant to be spoken.
Kagome said nothing to stop him so he continued. "I always… pretended to hate you… because I thought that maybe… maybe hating you would ease my pain…… maybe by hating you, I would be able to stop that stupid feeling in my chest… so I always tried my best… to be hateful towards you… even if the pain in my chest just kept tightening. I did it." A pause and a deep breath. "Then… my parents told me about how we were going to get married… and while on the outside I acted like an asshole, on the inside… I actually felt afraid… afraid that it was all a dream and that I was going to wake up. But then… we got married."
These words… they were not meant to be heard.
"And I felt like I was literally, as cheesy as it sounds, floating on a cloud. Then when I heard about how much you loved that other guy… I… I hate to admit it, but I was crushed. It literally felt like my heart was shattering into a million of pieces that could never be mended back together. And… they never were… not completely. After that… life became really hard to live… then you just suddenly leaving right after my ex showed up…… I felt so lost and confused. I didn't know what I should do and the pain never left. Everything became meaningless to me."
These words… she shouldn't be listening.
"Then… I saw you again… after five long years… I saw you. And suddenly…… that pain… it was lifted away and I wanted to do nothing more than hold you in my arms. But…… but I acted coldly towards you because I was scared. What if you didn't feel the same about me anymore? It was all I could think. And there were so many things I wanted to say… all those countless words I had yearned to say to you throughout the five years…… I was about to burst. And still… I only spoke those cold harsh words to you because I was scared… I was scared to get too close to you again. To anyone."
These words… why was he saying them?
"You really hurt me… I didn't want to admit to anyone… not even myself… But after awhile, I finally accepted it. You hurt me. And I become a coward. I never wanted to become too close to anyone because I was afraid… afraid that they would leave me without even saying good bye. Just disappear."
These words… why was she listening to them?
"Even when I finally realized how much I still loved you… and how much I wanted you… back here in my arms… I never allowed myself to fully give my heart to you. I kept it guarded because…… it hurt too much. I knew that if you had hurt me like that one more time… I wouldn't be able to fix my heart again… there were already too many pieces missing from the first time… And then… when you told me that you didn't love me… it just happened. Everything I had worked so hard to preserve… it all came crashing down, crumbling into nothing."
These words… why did they sound so painful?
"And then…" he chuckled slightly, tears still slowly trailing down his face one after another. "You got yourself kidnapped… I was terrified. I couldn't breathe and I felt myself die as I watched you slowly fading away from me… slipping through my fingertips. It was a feeling I couldn't stand… and when I watched over you while you were in a coma… I hated you. I genuinely hated you. Why was I always the one suffering? Why couldn't it be you for once? Why me? …It just didn't make any sense… You were always leaving me… breaking me… and in the end, I would always be the one who ran back to you… always apologizing even when sometimes I didn't even do anything… I couldn't understand it… why was I being so weak? Why did I keep suffering for both of us? And I just… I hated you."
These words… oh God why did they hurt so?
"I really hated you… and then you woke up, smiling and acting like nothing happened while I sat there, silently suffering and loathing you. Even when I should have been happy, all I could think was… I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. And then as I began to feel guilty, I tried blaming myself for everything that was happening to you and me. I tried to pretend like it was all my fault and that I should have prevented it. I should have prevented that wound from being embedded into my heart… tearing my soul."
These words… why wouldn't they stop?
"So when I finally fell into darkness, I was… I was happy. No more suffering… no more meaningless life to live… it was perfect. I knew how many days had passed… and still, I never wanted to wake up. I was secretly hoping that you would pull the plug and let me die. But…… when I realized that you wouldn't, I had to wake up and do something about it myself. So I did… I used my other self as a shield between you and me… I hoped that he would be able to buy enough time… so that by the time he was gone… I would stop hating you. That I wouldn't loathe you anymore for making me suffer all the time."
These words… why…? Why…? Why…?
"But it wasn't… I still hated you just as much as I did the first time I realized it. And I hated myself for it. For being so weak… being too weak to change myself… I didn't want to keep hating you… I didn't want to go on living my life while hating you… but my heart couldn't forgive you, even now. And the pain… it wouldn't go away. So… I did the only thing I could do… I kept on hating you. I tried desperately… I really tried to love you again… I really did… I tried to force myself to stop hating you and start loving you again… I really… really tried… but my hate only grew stronger… and I tried oh-so-hard to stop it…" He spoke wistfully, eyes glazed over with tears and an unspoken sorrow. "To try and control the flame before it became too wild and uncontrollable… and I tried to stop it… extinguish it… but I couldn't… it had slowly grown stronger… and I now realize…"
These words… why couldn't they be left unsaid?
"I now realize that… my love for you died a long time ago."
Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she listened to his words, feeling all the pain and suffering Inuyasha had felt for the past ten years flow out through them and into her body, piercing her heart.
"I thought that… I may have never even loved you… that maybe it was just a fantasy I created to fool myself… but… I now know that… I didlove you. Once upon a time… so very long ago… I did love you. But… it died along with me somewhere along the way…"
Why couldn't they be left unsaid?
"I now realize that… my love for you…… it died… it died with me…… so very long ago…" he repeated softly, not even a hint of regret in his voice as his eyes glittered with a long-forgotten sorrow.
Golden eyes still focused on the dark sky with tiny iridescent sparkles spread across it, illuminating the dark nighttime background. The twinkles bathed them in a soft light.
"Kagome… just now… that I did love you… I loved you more than you will ever know… I loved you so much that I wanted to give and do everything to and for you and then some… I loved you so much that it hurt… and I loved you so much until it shattered my own heart."
Why couldn't they be left unsaid?
She didn't speak… afraid. No… she couldn't speak. She couldn't speak a single word to him… all the sentences floating in her head… they were all lies… lies to comfort her… lies to cover up everything Inuyasha had just said… lies to give her a false sense of hope… lies and excuses… words that were better left unsaid.
"Don't-… don't fall in love with someone like me again… don't fall in love… with someone like me again Kagome…" he said softly, sounding sincere. "You deserved so much more than I could ever give you… so promise me… that you'll never fall in love with someone like me again…"
She hesitated, still unable to speak. And Kagome could only think one thing: Was this the end? With a mind of its own, her mouth answered in a voice so faint that anyone else would have missed the words. "…I promise… I promise Inuyasha…"
Smiling, Inuyasha nodded his head once, content with her answer. His eyelids drooped downward, feeling heavy. As he let out a soft sigh, one that signaled he was finally at ease, he thought about how pretty the stars looked and wondered dimly why he never noticed their beauty. The beautiful golden pools were laden thick with weariness as they disappeared beneath sleepy lids, seeing the stars fade from his view.
- - - -
Wow… I'm done… I'm… I'm really done…… O.O YEAY!!! I'm done!! Yay! .:jumps up and down and does a happy dance:. I gotta admit though, this turned out very…VERY differently from what I had originally planned. I think I kinda like how I ended it… but I hate how abrupt the ending is. It's like I rushed it and could have probably done a MUCH better job. And for those of you who are hating me right now for not making this a happily ever after ending, I'm very sorry!! But for some reason… I just didn't want to end this with a fairy tale ending, hence why Inuyasha ahem… passed on. I am a very angsty person. :D
Of course… I actually have a very short epilogue running through my head right now, but I don't think I'll write it cause I'm pretty sure that all of you guys are getting pretty annoyed by now XD But if you'd like… maybe I will write it… hmmm .:pretends to think thoughtfully:.
I would like to thank every single last reviewer! Especially the people who have stuck with me from the beginning or close enough there and have always supported me with reviews despite my very lazy updating habits!! Thank you everyone!! And I love you all!! I would have never finished this story if it wasn't for you guys (my inspiration!. :D) and all I can say is… thank you thank you thank you!! I never expected to get over 700 reviews when I started this story and I'm just… so thankful to you guys!!! Gah!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!! .:hugs and hands out free cake:.
And for people who just read without reviewing, thank you for choosing to just read!!
Thank you for reading!! Bye bye!! .:smiles and waves:.
Mel-chan :3 (Leopardess Mel)