BEAST WARS: Make it Real Bigger

"I'm gettin' awful tired here boss," rapidash said.

"I don't fucking care who you are!" optimus also said.

"I'm gonna brawl you."

"You're gonna brawl me? I'm gonna brawl you!" a disembodied voice croaked.

"Croak, croak my friend, croak, croak."

As the brawl progressed past the early croaking stages and into the later croaking stages, tensions ran higher than they ran at the citadel.

The corpse of cheetor was buried close by. The maximals could feel the presents he had left near the burial grounds. They were boxy and decorated with pretty bows.

Suddenly there was a huge explosion!

"OH NO!" said Blackarachnia. "What's exploding? I'm worried about my love!"

"You should be," Silverbolt said. "There's DANGER!"


"Now that SIlverbolt died," Rhinox wisely surmised, "It's time for great thought. And great emotionalism."

Rattrap guffawed.

Dinobot suddenly showed up on his motorcycle. "Hey, Dudes! Looks like you brought a knife... to A GUNFIGHT!"

"You're always showing off at these Double-Funerals, DinoBAT!" The maximals thought.

"I have to turn on you in order to resurrect my dead soulmate!" Blackarachnia reasoned!

The maximals had to run in various directions in order to avoid her.
"Curse you, 'rachnia!" cursed Optidash.


"I invented something" Tarantulas cacKled.

"Yes...?" Megatron hedonized.


"He got away." quoted Megatron as he amused himself with his mind games.

"How am I to escape the clutches of Megatron?" questioned Tarantulas as he sidled his way out of the predacon area.

"How indeed to escape the predacon area?" Megatron was not amused, luckily he had placed small bells around tarantulas' neck and followed shortly, but sweetly, behind...

Quickstrike was down on the ranch when he got the call. "Striker!" Megatron called. "We're onto that treacherous spider's TRAIL!"

"But Megatron," Scorponok implored, summoning his last bit of will. "You know what that old gypsy woman said...!"

"Nonsense!" Megatron screamed. "I take no heed of gypsy women or their ILK!"

LIttle did he know, he'd already estaBLISHED HIS FATE.

Tigatron was meditating in his garden, thinking about that moment of ecstasy he had shared with that old gypsy shaman right before she shared the secrets of immortality with him when Blackarachnia approached from the shadows of the trees.

"I don't understand how you function in a world that demands thumbs," Tigatron groaned.

"I suffer from necrophilia." she whispered

"that is the code word."

"I know."

"That is why you brought this rotting corpse?"
"Machines can't rot."

"Stop correcting me, I am the teacher."

"When will I ever see my lover again?"

"He is right here!" Silverbolt woke up.

"You were alive the whole time!"

"I was alive the whole time, I thought you were dead?"

"You have been the dead one the whole time," mysteriously cackled the Bolt of Silver. "I received this information from Depthcharge."

"CHARGE! CHARGE! DEPTHCHARGE CHARRRRR!" Pokemoned Depthcharge as he charged off into the depths.

Blackarachnia was lost as to what had been going on and yet... she knew everything.

But they all had cancer.

Rattrap, Rhinox and Rapidash moaned and groaned on the GRAVEL. "EVERYONE WHO WASN'T IN THE FIRST EPISODE IS SUFFERING FROM CANCER!" Rapidash screeched.

Suddenly, from amongst the woodwork...

"Did anybody call for a DENTIST?" Dinobot asked.


Suddenly, Dinobot arrived on the scene. "If everyone who wasn't in the pilot episode now has cancer, what does it mean for US?"

"It means we don't have cancer."


Dinobot shot Rhinox in the head.

"He was a zombie! It turned out." gasped Rattrap.

"I was bit but I'm not going to tell anybody because I think that's the best course of action," whispered rapidash.

"I heard you." Dinobot said, and blew his brains out.

"Great. Now Blackarachnia haunts my dreams again!" cried Terrorsaur.

"There there, it's okay" said Waspinator.

"Spinator? You betrayed everyone also?"

"yes." continued Terrorsor. "'Yes' is what he would have said if he had betrayed everyone also. He hasn't betrayed everyone also, we learned that in the dentist's office. That dentist's office was full of robots without their exterior plating. That was the best trip to the dentist I had ever had, and I HAD 3 CAVITIES!"

"Oh you horn dog you, " Hornied Rapidash over the corpse of Dinobot.

Dinobot's corpse shuddered as he rose from the dead.

"It would seem he truly thought with his penis!" Suddenly Rapidash whirled around and shot Terrorsaur in the dick, "Just like zombie-Terrorsaur."

Zombie-Terrorsaur crumpled to the ground. Upon his death, Rapidash quickly reverted to Ponyta, the Ponyta we all know and love, the non-zombie-Ponyta. Ponyta galloped off to find the Optimus inside of him, much to the chagrin of Rhinox.

"SIGHHH, what will the forest do with such troubles?" Moaned chagrining Rhinox.


"Why aren't you dead?" Rattrap asked.

"Because this is TOO IMPORTANT!" Rhinox shook Rattrap with all of his truth. "If we're to defeat the cancer plaguing us and the zombieism plaguing us, it is IMPERATIVE that Rapidash revert to his true form. THAT OF OPTIMAL OPTIMUS!"

Thunder crackled their skin.

Meanwhile, Tarantulas was taking stock of the dead. "Okay, let's take stock of this dead. Who are the dead?" Tarantulas pleaded to Inferno.

"YOU!" Tarantulas screamed, answering his own plea. AND HE SHOT HIM IN THE FACE and buried him in a shallow grave and wept for his lost childhood.

Megatron showed up in front of the AXALON. "I wish to discuss... a TRUCE!"" Megatron implored. "If we're going to defeat this menace, we're going to have to talk it up. Kiss it up,"

"No one understands what you're talking about and why you keep dreaming," Rattrap said. And he slowly walked away.

Ponyta whinnied in the circle, as the survivors encircled him. "We have a deep menace," Rhinox's possibly zombified corpse said.

"Rhinox I don't even understand what you...are" Megatron Megatronned.

"Sometimes you have to go with your gut, y'know?" Blackarachnia suggested.

"No one invited you!" No one said.

"I know no one invited me, it's because you think I'm a cancerous zombie, isn't it? The woods said that cancerous zombies would be the end of us!"

"Who is she talking to?" Cried Cheetor.

"CHEETOR! Are you a zombie too! Because you should definitely be dead, I think..." heard Megatron.

"No, I'm a leper."

"Well that's not very...oh." and everyone set up a leper colony for Cheetor where he got to drink as many mimosas as he wanted while his skin slowly fell off his sexy sexy metallic frame.

"Why doesn't anyone care that I stole that device from Team Predacon?" Cried Terrorsaur.

"No one cares about you Terrorsaur. The moment you care about something, we immediately stop." concluded everyone.

"Everything went perfectly to plan," mused the aging Tarantulas as he reminisced on his exploits as a young haberdasher.

"Wait, you haberdashed?" asked his wide eyed and idealistic son.

"No, I meant a betrayer of all things evil!" Tarantulas spilled his soup on his son, but could not pick it up for he was old and feeble.

"Where was I?"

"You were explaining how everyone succumbed to lycanthropy..."

"Oh yes. The time when I made love to a she-wolf..."

"Dad I've heard this story a THOUSAND TIMES! You go on to say that she, turned out to be a he and he introduced you to mom! and then you three had ME!"

"And that's how babies are made, a she-he-wolf, a tarantulas and a MOM!"


"Sonnie? Have I ever told you the story of..."

"If i have to hear one more story one more time than 12 times, I'm going to blow his brains out," yelled Spiderman Jr.

Luckily, Tarantulas had lost most of his hearing from his old age. Unluckily, he heard every word. Luckily, he could do nothing to stop Spiderman Jr from WHENCE HE CAME! Unluckily enough, Tarantulas had lost all of his money earlier in the day in a freak race.

"Dad, can we go to a freak race?"

"No, shut up," Tarantulas spat, as he receded back into the shadows.

"Dear," came the sweet siren's song of Tarantulas' wife SLASH Spiderman Jr.'s mom. "Can you come in here for a moment?'

Tarantulas walked in there for a moment, revealed his wife to be none other than AIRAZOR. "Oh, honey. I love you with all of my feathers and wings and beak."

"No, shut up," Tarantulas spat.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR! Tarantulas' little spider bots that are always crawling around doing his bidding answered the door.

"Hey! It's your friendly neighborhood Rat... TRAP!" Rattrap shouted. AND THEY WERE ALL THERE. All of them. Optimus, Rhinox, Megatron, Cheetor too! And they were all smiling and clapping for him.

"You ready for the next great adventure, Old Friend?" Blackarachnia asked.

"You betcha, treacherous widow! She-DeviL! I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Did anybody call for a Dentist?"

Why, yes. Why, yes, they did...