Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER!!! I was really hyper when I wrote this story, especially the part about Sirius. I tried to make this story funny without being too disgusting. Enjoy…AND REVIEW!.
A Day In The Life
By Savoy Truffle
Fifth year Gryffindor Sirius Black was sitting in a chair in Dumbledore's office. He had just been caught for illegally selling signed Beatles photos in the girls' washroom. They had not been signed by the Beatles, but by him instead. Sirius thought that he wouldn't get caught, but McGonagall caught him red-handed with a handful of galleons.
So here he was, stuck in Dumbledore's office. It was obviously not the right time. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk wearing a bright blue Speedo. He looked slightly impatient and very angry.
"What exactly were you doing?" Dumbledore asked.
"I was selling signed pictures of the Beatles."
"I was selling signed Beatles photos."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"I WAS ILEGALLY SELLING SIGNED PHOTOS OF THE BEATLES IN THE GIRLS' WASHROOM! DID YOU HEAR ME!?!?!"
Sorry, I'm not wearing my hearing aids."
Dumbledore grabbed two hearing aids off the table and shoved them in his ears.
"Um… Professor…where exactly are you going?"
"To the YUKON!"
"Then why are you wearing a Speedo, Sir?"
"I like the cold."
Dumbledore started laughing and ran out of his office, leaving Sirius alone.
"Alone at last!"
He ran over to the desk he had been sitting on moments before and grabbed his book bag.
He pulled out a Venus razor and a bottle of Skintimate Shave Gel.
"And now for silky smooth legs!"
He pulled off his pants and threw them across the room. Then he squeezed out a handful of shave gel and began to spread it down his legs.
"Mmm! Strawberry shave gel!"
He grabbed his razor and began to run it down his legs, making his legs smooth and hair free. Once was done, he ran a hang down his leg.
"Ooh! Silky smooth, just how I like it!"
He grabbed his pants and swung them over his shoulder, a toothy white smile on his face. He left Dumbledore's office, grinning as all the girls gasped at him. Suddenly Severus Snape showed up.
"Sirius Black, will you marry me?"
"Yes Severus, oh yes!"
And Severus and Sirius began making out in the hallway.
Peter Pettigrew was running around the common room in his new boxers, which had little yellow submarines on them. They were Peter's favourite thing in the world; he loved them.
"We all live in a yellow submarine,
A yellow submarine,
A yellow submarine.
We all live in a yellow submarine,
A yellow submarine,
A yellow submarine."
Peter started jumping up and down, his blubber jiggling, knocking down the books on the tables. He didn't care though; he was too busy singing the song that went with his underwear. He was having FUN!
Suddenly Voldemort appeared. Peter let out a girl-like scream.
He tried to hide under the table but he was too big. Instead he curled up next to it. Voldemort skipped over to him and began to yell.
"You will work for me and do what I tell you to do!"
"N-n-no," Peter stuttered.
"You will listen to me!"
"Kill me then! Use a spell on me and kill me! Nobody loves me anyway; I'm just a fat boy that smashed people with his blubber!"
Voldemort didn't do anything. Suddenly Peter realized something. This wasn't Voldemort. It was a boggart! He pulled out his wand and aimed it at the boggart.
"Riddikulus!" he cried.
There was a loud pop and Voldemort was no longer in the room. Standing in his place was a large purple dinosaur.
It was Barnie the dinosaur! Barnie was Peter's idol; he wanted to be just like him. Barnie was also his favourite show.
"I love you!" Peter cried.
Peter pulled Barnie into a hug. He felt like one of the kids on TV; he had always been jealous of them for meeting Barnie.
"Let's sing a song!" said Barnie. (A/N: Lol! Eww!)
And so they sang:
"I love you, you love me,
We're a happy family,
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say,
You love me too!"
Suddenly Lucius Malfoy walked into the room. He looked at Barnie and laughed.
"Barnie? BARNIE? Pettigrew, I thought you couldn't sink any lower!"
"Barnie rules, Malfoy!"
"Listen to my version of the Barnie song, it's so much less gay than the original!"
Lucius cleared his throat and began to sing:
"Barnie is a stupid whore,
With no imagination.
He doesn't know his ABCs,
And shit is up his anus!"
Peter growled and jumped on Malfoy. Malfoy immediately died from suffocation.
"No, Peter," said Barnie. "Murder is a major no-no."
"Well, lets get his body out of here."
They began picking up Malfoy and shoving him in a bag. They sang as they carried him to the window.
"Clean up, clean up,
Everybody clean up!
Clean up, clean up,
Peter and Barnie threw the body out the window, causing some of the girls to scream. Once Malfoy was gone, Barnie looked down at Peter.
"See? Now you wont get arrested."
Peter pulled Barnie into a hug. Suddenly Barnie disappeared.
And he never saw Barnie again.
James Potter was sitting outside, under the big oak tree. Drool rolled down his face as he watched five Gryffindor girls from his year gossip as they walked by him. The girl that James fancied the most was the one in the middle. She had long dark red hair and bright green eyes.
Suddenly James couldn't control himself; he needed to talk to her. He ran over to the group of girls and slapped the redhead's ass (find a better word than ass that doesn't sound weird! Lol!).
The girl looked at him, eyes full of fury. She pulled back her arm and slapped James across the face.
"Screw you, Potter!"
She grabbed her friends and stormed away.
"Aw, come on Evans! You know you want me!"
It was too late, she was already long gone. James slumped his shoulders and walked back to the tree. 'Where the hell are Sirius, Remus and Peter?' James thought. He was awfully bored.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking for the Snitch he had stolen after his Quidditch match. He took it when his team's Seeker wasn't looking. James hoped that he hadn't noticed; no one would expect a Chaser like him to steal a Snitch.
Instead of finding a Snitch, he found a little white stick that smelled strong and spicy.
"WEED!" he exclaimed.
He pulled out his wand.
"Incendere" he muttered.
Fire came out of the tip of his wand. He lit the tip of his joint and flew out the flames from his wand. He popped the joint into his mouth, inhaling the fumes.
Suddenly everything changed. He was standing in an empty classroom. The only thing in the room was a redheaded girl. The redhead he had been hitting on before.
"Evans!" James exclaimed.
"Hello, James," said Lily. "I've been looking for you."
"Yes indeed. You're exactly what I want…I always get what I want."
She walked over to James and wrapped her arms around him. James' eyes widened as he felt her tongue down his throat. It was like a dream come true.
James closed his eyes as he got into the kiss.
Suddenly the surroundings began to change again. James didn't notice; his eyes were closed. He felt himself being pushed away by Lily, but James thought it differently. He wrapped his arms tighter around her and began to kiss her neck, which was unusually high. Why was she so tall?
"Potter! POTTER! Potter, are you listening to me?"
It seemed to be coming from Lily, but it sounded different. He looked up but instead of meeting Lily's eyes, he met McGonagall's. James paled.
"Potter, as attractive as you may find me, you must remember that I am twenty years older than you, and your TRANSFIGURATION PROFESSOR!"
James blushed as everybody surrounding his began to laugh. He also noticed Lily and her four friends, Assimina, Chiquita, Donna and Chiara in the crowd. They were pointing and laughing as well.
"Um…hello Professor McGonagall," James stuttered.
"Don't hello me, Potter! Two Ravenclaw first years came to me crying and told me that there was some deranged boy stumbling around Hogwarts' grounds, laughing and talking to himself. At first I thought it would be Snape, but I was surprised when I saw that it was you!"
"Sorry Professor," James said quietly.
"Sorry isn't good enough! For goodness sake, you started making out with me in front of the whole school. Do you know how serious it is?"
"Listen professor, I just found some weed in my-"
"Weed! You smoked weed on Hogwarts grounds?!"
"Yes…" James whispered.
"Such a good boy!"
James was shocked. McGonagall was actually happy with him?!
"You must spend weekends with Albus and I. We have all the weed you can ever want!"
"You and Professor Dumbledore smoke weed on weekends?"
"Of course! It's always better when we're in the bedroom if you know what I mean"
McGonagall winked at him. James didn't want to know what she meant.
Remus Lupin was standing in front of the mirror, completely bored by his own reflection. He really needed to do something about his appearance. None of the girls like him; they always looked at Sirius and James. Even Peter got more girls than he did, though they were quite ugly. Poor Remus couldn't get one single girl.
Remus pulled off his shirt and looked at his chest. Not a single muscle was showing; he had a chicken chest! Remus tried flexing his muscles with no success. They were like mashed potatoes.
"Too bad there's no gym in here," he muttered to himself.
He ran his fingers through his hair; it was getting so long. No wonder nobody noticed him; his hair was always in his face. Remus tried to brush it away from his eyes but it kept on falling back to where it has first started. Remus growled.
Remus grabbed a pair of scissors off the table and stared at them. Maybe he could give himself a haircut. That way he could fix his looks and get the girls' attention!
He began to snip away. Hair began to fall to the floor as he continued to cut. Remus hopped it would turn out well; he really needed a girlfriend. He was desperate.
Once Remus had decided that he had done enough cutting he put the scissors down and looked into the mirror. A loud scream erupted from his lips. He had completely destroyed his hair. The locks had all sorts of different lengths and the back was a lot longer that the front. It looked like a mullet.
"Oh shit…oh shit…"
He grabbed the scissors and tried to even out the back. It looked a little better but his bangs were still too short. It made his eyebrows look thicker and his eyes too big. The girls would never go for him looking like this; they would only laugh at him.
Remus ran out of the bathroom and over to his bed. He hid himself behind the hangings, hoping that no one had seen him on the way. What was he going to do; he had Defence Against the Dark Arts soon!
Suddenly he heard a voice.
"Moony!" said the voice. "Moony, are you in there?"
It was James! Remus buried his head under his pillow; he couldn't let James see him this way! James was always getting the girls (though not the one he wanted) and would only laugh at him if he saw what he had done.
"I'm not here!" said Remus.
"Of course you are, I just heard you."
Remus heard James pull aside his hangings He knew that James was looking right at him at that moment.
"Why are you hiding under your pillow?"
"Don't look at me! I'm ugly!"
"You're ugly, but you're not that ugly."
"Believe me, you don't want to see me."
"Aw, come on, Reemie!"
James pulled away the pillow, gasping as he saw what Remus had done to his hair. Remus looked up at him, a deep shade of red on his cheeks.
"Hello," he whispered.
James burst into laughter.
"You stupid idiot!" he laughed. "What the hell did you do to yourself?"
"Shut up! Come on James, you have to help me! I can't be seen like this!"
"Okay, okay, I'll help you. I'll just fix your hair a little and I'll try to fix those eyebrows of yours. You'll be fine."
James ran over to his trunk and pulled out a small bottle of hair gel and a pair of tweezers. He walked back to Remus and sat down one the side of the bed. He squeezed out some hair gel and began to fix Remus' hair.
"What are the tweezers for?"
"Please, don't screw up, please!"
"Don't worry, I wont."
James pulled his hands away from Remus and wiped them off on his pants. He then grabbed the tweezers and began to tweeze away. Remus screamed every time James plucked out a hair.
When James was done he paled slightly. A lump appeared in his throat. He had totally messed up Remus' eyebrows.
"Is something wrong?" asked Remus, clearly confused.
"Um…I need to fix your hair a little more."
James pretended to fix Remus' hair only to mess up that too. He began to shake slightly. Remus noticed.
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
"Of course…let's get to class now."
James pulled Remus off the bed and out of the room, neither of them noticing that they had forgotten their books. They walked to the Defence classroom together. As they entered, all eyes were on Remus. Remus wondered why.
Suddenly everybody began to laugh. Remus turned bright red and fled from the room. He ran all the way down the hall and into the boys' bathroom. He had no time to get to the Prefects bathroom.
He stopped in front of the mirror and screamed. He looked like a reck! His left eyebrow was twice as thick as the right one and had a huge hole in it. To make it worse, half of his hair was slicked back and the other side was gelled to the side. James suddenly showed up in the bathroom.
Remus gave James a look of fury.
"Potter, I'll kill you!"
James screamed as Remus chased him out of the bathroom.