Harry Potter and the Curse of the Wedgie Machine
by Chels and Sarah

Authors' Note: Uh… a doy… a doy… we are the hyper queens! FEAR US!!!!!


Chapter One: Penguins, Squirrel Monkeys and Santa Claus, oh my!

An eleven year old boy named Harry Potter was seated stiffly in a desk. His lips were numb from speaking, and his eyelids drooped sleepily over his pukey green eyes.

"I will not wear dresses to school." He murmured. "I will not wear dresses to school… I will not…" Suddenly, the adolescent's hideous face contorted, and he smiled a wicked smile. "SANTA CLAUS WILL BE AVENGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He was calm once more, and he settled back into the chair with a yawn.

"I will not wear dre---" The door creaked open and an old hag if there ever were one stepped through the door. "Learned you lesson, Potter?" she croaked in monotone.

The boy smirked. "Yesssss. It is mine. My own. My precious." He hissed.

"Potter, have you taken your medication today?"

"Um… I forgot, but it's okay, 'cos some kid sold me a better kind in the hall. I must tell my auntie about this opium stuff…" Harry said quickly.

"What did you learn today, Potter?" The old woman asked, her voice dull.

"If I insist on playing dress up with my Aunt Marge's clothes, I shouldn't leave home. People might think I'm crazy and her clothes are so big they might fall off, so if I do wear her dresses to school, I should remember to wear underwear next time."

"Yes, well… that's good enough, I suppose." Harry shot out of his desk, the large dress he adorned blowing about his face. " And Potter… next time you see the kid who sold you the medicine in the halls… could you purchase some for me too?" She asked, slipping him ten pound note.

"Uhuh! Sure… I LOVE PENGUINS!!!!!" Harry hurried out the door, colliding with another primary school student.

"Watch where you're going, Potter." sneered a foul voice. Harry looked up to see the pointed face of Draco Malfoy.

"Do I know you?" Harry inquired, his eyes crossing in confusion.

"Not yet," Malfoy replied. "I don't come in till chapter six… I just had to come see you in that dress." He laughed.

"Oh, cool! Do you like penguins?"

Draco's face lit up with joy and he attacked Harry in a gigantic hug. "I LOVE PENGUINS!!!!"

"I LOVE YOU!!!!!!" shouted Harry.

Draco looked up at him. "Dude, this isn't slash."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot, sorry. I LOVE PENGUINS TOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry pulled out of the bear hug. "What about squirrel monkeys?" He asked, his eyes narrowed behind his triangular glasses.

"Oh, they're so cute and furry!" Draco exclaimed rapturously.

"YOU SPAWN OF SATAN! SQUIRREL MONKEYS ARE EVIL!!! THEY'RE PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE PLANET ONE FOOD INDUSTRY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry paused and gasped for breath. "You're one of them!" He exclaimed fiercly.

"No! I never meant to hurt her! I really do love Hermione! You'll never understand!" Draco announced dramatically. "Uh… oops… wrong fic there… I forgot. It's Ron's turn this time."

"NO! I LOVE HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. "Uh… who is she?"

"NEVER!!!! SHE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco laughed wickedly and then disappeared.

Harry stood and dusted off his dress. Then he proceeded to skip down the hall like the girly abomination he is, singing, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!"