Happy 4th Of July Dominaria

Jose Philipe Mendola

Legal Notice- I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. They are copyrighted material of Wizards Of The Coast. I have not seen any money from this fic, nor am I asking for any. But, for all of you 'special interests' out there, keep those donations coming in. Jose needs some new shoes. Er, I mean, it costs Jose to think. Costs him lots.

Authors Note: Some of these characters may very well be dead to the creators, but to me, their memory lives on. That and it's not too much fun without most of them. Except Kamahl. Kamahl sucks big time.

Set Up: The following story spans the realm of the Magic universe. From Nemetta's tree in the Yavamian forest to Urza's beach house on Tolaria, keep a sharp eye out for Tsabo's bar in Phyrexia and Lord Of The Pit's Pit in- wherever in the nine hells it is. The Weatherlight's crew to Commodore Guff, Stand up and be proud of your independence Dominaria.

Barrin was shaken awake. From the comfort and warmth of his dream, he was hurled into the warmth and comfort of his bed in Tolaria. Urza must have some kind of emergency on his hands to be waking him up at- 7 in the morning?

Barrin rolled over and shielded his eyes from the sun that was coming in from his open window. Urza was still shaking him. He knew it was him only because he looked at the clock and saw his outline.

'Up and at them!' Urza said cheerily 'We got a long day ahead of us!'

'What in the world are you talking about?' Barring said, sitting up and squinting. He was still not able to see Urza completely. 'Why am I up so early? This is summer. It was created so people could sleep in.'

'Sleep?' Urza bellowed before he started laughing 'How are you supposed to tan if you sleep inside? Come one old friend, we have to get moving.'

Unfortunately, Barrin was now able to see. Urza had on a pair of sunglasses, and not too much else. If you have never seen Urza in a Speedo, don't make it a life goal. Then again, he might have been wearing sunscreen too.

Urza ran from Barrin's room and into the kitchen. There, he had already made a cooler and stocked it full of necessary items. Food, sun block, CD player, CD's, power crystals, and a beach ball. Which was odd, even for Urza.

Barrin threw on a cloak and walked out of his room.

'What gives, Urza?' He asked his long time friend 'I've only seen you this happy once, and that was when you froze the world over in the Ice Age.'

'The ice age is a miserable time.' Urza said, all happiness leaving him 'It was a mistake to do that. It's can get so damned cold now, things freeze over, artifacts freeze up, snow has to be shoveled. What a lousy weather pattern we must suffer through.'

Barrin was starting to get it now. Evidently, Urza did not like the cold in the least. He was more of a summer person. Summer lover or not, did he have to wear that? Barrin averted his eyes.

Urza threw a towel over his shoulder and turned to face Barrin.

'Ready to go?' He asked.

Barrin cracked his knuckles. Making a few gestures in front of his body, he conjured up a pair of shorts on himself. Along with that, a pair of sunglasses. Checking himself over, Barrin headed out the door, following Urza who had already left.

'A very confusing mage, that one.' Barrin said to himself. Following
Urza's lead, Barring headed down the road that would take them to
Tolaria Beach.

Lord of the Pit stepped back from his grill and it blew up in a
fireball almost a foot from his face.

'Maybe a little less lighter fluid next time.' He said to himself.
Kicking through the 25 empty cans of Daragaaz Brand Lighter Fluid,
Lord Of The Pit made his way over to the picnic table to the plate of
uncooked meats. From burgers to 'Snausages', Lord Of The pit had it

His mailbox had abandoned the colors of Red and Green and adopted red,
white and blue. It was really just a paint job that covered the red
and green from a few months earlier, but it still looked good. Tiki
torches surrounded the rim of Lord Of The Pit's pit. Once the guests
had arrived, it would be time to light them. But until then, he had
some time.

Lord of the Pit took off his Yankees hat and wiped the sweat form his
forehead. It sure was hot in hell, even for July. IT was almost hot
enough to jump into the pool. Oh, that was a chore to set up. Not only
was it a pain in the ass to find someone to deliver the materials and
construct it in hell, but also it was even harder to maintain the 75-
degree water that was in it.

Lord of the Pit tossed a few of the meats onto his Grill King 8
Million and shut the lid. The meat was audibly cooking.

Content for the time being, Lord of the Pit walked over to his lawn
chair and stretched out. It sure was sunny. Nice day for a tan. But
still hot. Reaching over to the small table that held his drink, Lord
of the Pit drained the remainder of his Long Island Iced Tea.

'I'm missing something.' He said to himself as he set the glass back
on the small table. 'But what is it?'

Lord of the Pit counted off a few things on his talons, but got hung
up on one. He tapped that one finger and mumbled something to himself.

'Oh, I know.' He said. Getting back up, he took off back into his

Coming out, he was now wearing a Dr. Sues type hat that was colored
red, white, and blue. HE cocked it a little to the right and dusted
his hands off. Fine work indeed.

Lord of the Pit looked left and right. Seeing the coast was clear, he
pulled a red duffel bag over the lip of his pit as well. Unlocking the
padlock that was on the zippers, he opened it.

A flood of fireworks poured out. He smiled and shoved them back in.
This collection was 10 years big, and he going to put on one bitchin'
fireworks show tonight. It was an odd thing, 10 years worth of
fireworks collections all fitting in single duffel bag. One way or
another, it was really cool.

He stashed the bag under his lawn chair and pulled out his cell phone.
It was a nice little flip-top-jobbie, and the graphic was of a
football being kicked though an upright post.

Punching a few buttons, he brought the phone up to his head and waited
for an answer.

The ringing stopped and a voice answered.

'Go.' The receiver said.

'Nemetta!' Lord of the Pit said 'I finally got a hold of you.'

'Yeah, I just got back from Eldamari's 4th Annual Forest Funk Jam. I
DID leave a week ago.'

'Was it any good?'

'Eh, it was decent. I got food, drinks and tried to hook up with an
elf chick.'

'How did that go?' Lord of the Pit asked.

'Not well. Trying to explain the joke behind my 'big woody' line fell
upon the humor dead.'

'I'm sorry to hear that. Are you still up for today? I got a whole
grill full of food, and the pool I cleaned and chemical updated.'

'I don't see why not.' Nemetta said 'Is it my turn to bring Serra?'

'Well, I don't think she's going to make it here on her own. More than
likely drunk already, and I brought her to your Christmas party. So I
think you should pick her up.'

'Does she know that she's invited?' Nemetta asked 'I don't want to
show up at her door and walk in on her with some guy.'

'I don't think that will be a problem.' Lord of the Pit replied 'Just
remind her that I have a fully loaded cooler of beer and she'll drop
whatever she's doing and go with you.'

'Ok then.' Nemetta said 'I'll see you in a few hours.'

'It's a deal.' Lord of the Pit replied 'See you in a few.'

'Later.' Nemetta said before he hung up.

Lord of the Pit closed his phone and put next to his empty glass.
Noticing that he did not have the cooler out yet, he made a motion to
go back in the pit and get it. Taking a single step, he tripped over a
sprinkler (that was currently off) and rolled down the edge of his pit
and into his hole, smashing his couch, end table and TV.

'Ow.' He said from the bottom of his pit.

'I thought I would never get out of this damned place.' Commodore Guff
said as he flipped the sign on the glass doors from open to close.
Guff had been working in his library forever since he had his last

'Wait, I never had a vacation before.' Guff realized 'What am I
supposed to do with a vacation?'

Walking quickly over to his dictionary, Guff looked up 'vacation'.

"A time away from work and hassles." Guff quoted "A time for rest and
relaxation. Also see 'R&R' 'Rest and laxatives?!' Guff demanded 'What
kind of damned weirdo stuff is this?' He tossed the book in the air
and it filed itself back into its place.

Guff reached into his pockets and pulled out his suitcase. Checking it
one more time, Guff made sure he was all set to go. Books, clothes,
extra monocles, clean blue robe, sunglasses and fireworks. It looked
like he was all set to go.

He pulled a map out of the case and unfolded it. The map showed the
infinite space (Confined on one big ass sheet) of the Magic universe.

'Now where do I want to go?' He asked himself. 'Somewhere quiet.
Someplace I can be alone. Places where I can get some work done. Where
no one can find me, and a place I can go until I want to come back.'

Guff pointed to a space on the map and nodded.

'No one would be there. Looks like that's where I'm going.' Closing
the map and putting it back into the case, Guff shut it and began his

The space that had once been his library filled with every book ever
written, a place where you could find anything about any subject
folded around him. It crumpled into a small point of bright light and
sped behind Guff. Other small pinpoints of light went past. Those were
the plains of Dominaria and beyond.

Guff saw the spot of light he was looking for and reached out to grab

The new world folded out of the speck, creating quite the beach scene
where Guff would stay for as long as he pleased. Content with his
standing, Guff pulled a chair out of his pocket, put his suitcase down
and sat on the chair. It was quiet, warm and the perfect place for
fireworks later that night.

'Excuse me.' A strong British accent said from behind him 'But I
believe you are in my spot.'

Guff turned around to see who was addressing him.

It was a man in a dark cloak. He had very pale skin and shoulder
length greasy black hair. He was also carrying a suitcase.

'I believe I was here first.' The stranger said 'If it's not any
trouble, I'd like my spot back.'

'And who are you supposed to be?' Guff grunted as he stood up.

'You don't recognize me?' the man said, seeming a little shocked 'I am
Snape, potions master.'

'Is that so?' Guff said 'And how the damn did you get here?'

'Simple, you twit. I walked'.'

Guff's eye's widened, despite being called a twit. Was this another

'Sir, I do say.' Guff started 'I did not mean to impose on your spot.
I'll gladly move for you.' Guff moved his belongings and Snape set his
own lawn chair he was carrying where Guff was 'Please, sit down. We
have much to discuss.'

'If it's about being able to walk between the Plains, I'd rather not
right now. I've had the worst day teaching today. I swear, if it was
not a vacation time now, I'm ready to kill someone.'

'I think I like you.' Guff said as he laughed 'Tell me Mr. Snape, do
you like chess?'

'Honestly officer,' Bo Levar explained as his cargo was being
confiscated ' I had no idea they were in there.'

This was a very rare event. Hardly ever did Bo Levar get caught while
smuggling. Normally it was imported cigars, but with the warm weather
came new loads of equally illegal substances.

'Let me get this straight,' the officer said 'You had no idea that
YOUR boat was carrying 200 tons of fireworks, even though you JUST
left port and checked over the shipment orders YOURSELF?'

Bo shrugged.

'That's about the size of it.'

'That's a load of crap.' She said as she clapped him in irons
'Private!' she called to her other officers. One stopped on deck and
turned to face her. 'Get this thing emptied and into impound. This
guy's going to the cells.'

'Damn.' Levar said as he was hauled across his own deck and toward the
Plains Enforcers ship 'Looks like it's back to the bring for me.'

'If I have anything to do with it,' the arresting officer said 'I'll
make sure you never see the light of day again.

'You got nothing on me.' Bo replied 'I'll be back out in the Plains in
an hour.'

'We'll just see about that.' The Sergeant said.

A weighted anchor fell from an airship that was suspended above the
Caves of Kolis. It was a hot day above the sandy beach, but to set
foot on the beach was to step foot on jagged rocks that would cut to
the bone. It was a shame really, considering that the water was much
nicer since the end of the Invasion.

'Anchor weighed!' Thangarth yelled from the capstan wheel.

Sissay waved the confirmation from behind the bridge. It had taken a
few tries to find a place to go. Ideas were tossed out among the crew
and places were visited. The only problem was they were either over
crowded, or already in the hands of a not too friendly party.

Sissay reached under the ship's wheel and fumbled through the small
glove box. Coming up with The Club, she attached it to the wheel and
secured it. It was hard work maintaining a ship, and she's be damned
if she was going to loose it to a group of ship stealing thugs.

'Charts are correct.' Hannah said from her navigation table. 'If my
map reading is correct, which it usually is, we should be in the one
spot of Kolis that has the least wind.'

'Good work.' Sissay said 'Stow the maps and take a rest. We're off
duty today.'

'Yes captain.' She said before she took off down the hatch that led to
the crew's quarters.

Below deck, Gerrard was rummaging through his belongings as his search
for his shorts continued. He could have sworn he packed them the last
time he went home, but that was a long time ago. Why was it so easy to
find his small knife when he needed it, but not his shorts?

'This is ridiculous.' HE said as he dumped the contents of his dresser
onto the floor. He began looking through those again.

'Whatcha' lookin' for?' A voice behind Gerrard asked.

'My shorts, Squee.' Gerrard said to the goblin cabin hand. 'You have
not seen them, have you?'

'Hmm, let me think.' Squee said.

'That's dangerous.' Gerrard said to himself.

'Nope.' The goblin replied. 'Cant say I've seem em'.'

Gerrard got off of the floor and turned around to search his closet
again. Squee caught his eye. The goblin was not running around in his
normal red rags and beaten up shirt. He was now wearing a pair of
pants that had a blue and black floral pattern to them. 'More of a
Hawaiian print.' Gerrard would always say.

Without warning, Gerrard lifted the goblin up by his head and held him
at waist height. Squee wasn't wearing pants; he was wearing Gerrard's

'You little punk!' Gerrard said as he put the goblin back on the
ground 'Where did you get those? They're mine.'

'In your room.' The goblin stammered.

'Well give them back. I need them.' Gerrard ordered 'we're here on
vacation, so I don't need this menace. Just hand them over.'

Squee stepped out of the shorts and handed them to Gerrard. HE took
them and held them at a distance, unsure of where they had been for
how long.

'Now scram.' Gerrard said 'I have to finish in here.'

The goblin turned and ran out the door, slamming it behind him.

Gerrard heaved a sigh and turned back around to face his room. It was
in utter chaos. Clothes everywhere, tables overturned, closet open
with its contents spilled on the floor. It would take a week to clean
up in here.

'But I'm on vacation.' He reasoned with himself 'So I'll do it later.'

Content with his reasoning, Gerrard finished with his clothes and
headed out toward the deck.

In the depths of the ship's engine room, Karn sat in front of the
engine. Since they had stopped a few minutes ago, it began to release
its normal amount of steam and heat. Heat did not bother the silver
golem, as he could not really feel it. Steam he enjoyed because it
made him clean, and once he stepped out of the room; it would clean
itself off in the cooler air.

Karn reached into the engines core and extracted most of its insides.
The Juju Bubble, Bones of Ramos and the Sky Shaper came out.

'We're here for a vacation,' Karn rumbled to the pieces 'and a
vacation you'll get.'

Karn had planned to spend his (and the engines) vacation cleaning the
various pieces that made the ship run. It had been ages since it had
been last swept or polished, and he felt he owed it to the glorious

Karn broke out his small can of Multani's All Purpose Polish and found
himself a rag. Working in what little light he had, Karn set off to

The sickbay was empty for once. Orim was finally on vacation. She did
not recall a time where the bay did not at least hold two people with
injuries. But since the vote had been made to AVOID any fights, she
had not seen any action in sickbay for close to three days.

Orim walked quickly from table to table, each brewing something in a
few of her many vials and flasks. It was almost work, and it kept her
busy anyway. No one had asked her to make and of these things. She had
figured it nice to create a new flavor iced tea for their 'vacation'.

There was never really a vacation for a healer. Someone would come
back with sunburn, or a grill burn, or something that would cause her
to go back into her dark hold and get working again. But there was no
point in complaining about that until it happened.

'I think they're almost done.' She said as she walked past her brewers
again. If this worked, it would be great. She could market them, brew
a ton, and get a bigger sickbay on land somewhere-

There was a knock on her door. She sighed.

'Yes?' she called from tableside.

'Burned on the grill.' Thangarth called through the door. 'Can I get
something on it?'

Orim walked over to the door and opened it. A Very large Minotaur was
standing in her doorway.

'Well, come on in.' Orim sighed.

A healer's job was never done.

Up on deck, Sissay had taken over the grill. Thangarth had done
something to put his hand on it, so she had volunteered to take over.
The coals were not even hot yet, so it would be a while before the
food was put on to cook.

Hannah had gone to her room to throw on lighter clothes, so for the
time being, Sissay was alone.

The wind from the plains lightly swept over the deck of the
Weatherlight. It felt really good. It could have been worse. They
could have docked outside of this cove-like rock formation.

Sissay turned at the sound of someone coming up the aft stairs.
Gerrard and Squee climbed out of he ship and onto the deck.

'-and I don't care WHERE you found my sandals, they had my name on
them.' Gerrard scolded the cabin boy.

'Dey just lying in the head, so Squee take dem. Not like it life or
death situation.'

'You are such a pain.' Gerrard said. 'The only problem is, I can't
think of a way to get rid of you.'

'Oh Squee never leave.' The goblin laughed 'can't get rid of Squee
that easy.'

Gerrard looked around as the goblin continued jabbering. He noticed
that the anchor was out, and knew for a fact that they were not over
water. Since there was a cliff above them, Gerrard would bet that
there was a pile of sand at the bottom too.

'Hey Squee.' Gerrard said.

'Huh?' The goblin asked in mid sentence.

'Last one over the railing and into the water is an Orc.'

'Ooh,' Squee grumbled 'I hate orcs.' Squee began to run toward the
railing, Gerrard next to him.

Just as Squee jumped, Gerrard halted. The goblin went sailing

'Wee!' he yelled. Followed by 'Huh? Oh, craps.'

Gerrard watched as Squee fell 75 feet and impacted onto a pile of
sand. The resulting landing produced a puff of sand that drifted up
then dissipated.

'I love this job.' Gerrard said, making sure Squee got up and walked
it off. The goblin did indeed so Gerrard tossed him down a 100-foot
long rope that was tied to a brass monkey.

'He'll be fine.' Gerrard said to Sissay, who came over to watch the
goblin's climb back up.

'I know.' Sissay replied 'Believe me, I know.'

Serra Angel rolled over in her bed and looked at the clock. It was
blurry and spinning in a faded circle around another clock in the
center. She must have woken up drunk again. The empty bottles of
Johnny Walker gave that away. Sure, no one would normally go to sleep
drunk, but this angel was such a lush, she sleep-drank.

'Another beautiful-' Serra checked one of the spinning clocks
'Afternoon it is today.' She finished as she shielded her eyes from
the much-too bright 20-watt bulb that she had left on. Her head, like
always, was pounding. Quite the typical wake-up routine.

Serra staggered up, almost falling over, and stepped away from her
bed. Looking around her room, she figured that it would be good to
clear out 12 years worth of empty alcohol bottles, but after she was
sobered up.

She had been saying that for 11 years and 6 months.

'You know what would be good?' she asked the pink elephant all the
alcohol had created her to hallucinate 'a nice hot shower. Now where
did I put that toaster?'

The pink elephant smiled and pointed to a pile of dirty robes and
tarnished halos. Serra sorted through them and found her trusty

'Mmm,' Serra said as she licked her lips and headed for the shower
'Bathtub Toast. Thanks Pinky.' She said to the smiling elephant. It
winked at her 'You haven't steered me wrong yet.'

Serra turned to go into the bathroom, and the elephant vanished,
returning to Serra's subconscious to return another time.

Serra had a few drinks while showering, and had come out feeling like
a new drunk. With a slight buzz already, Serra dressed (without a
problem) and headed into her kitchen.

If beer was the breakfast of champions, Serra must have been a god
that morning. Finishing off two bottles of Jack Daniels, Serra got up
to answer the ringing phone.

'Hello?' she said after she managed to pick it up.

'Good afternoon Serra.' A friendly voice said 'how are you feeling?'

'Like I woke up drunk from a few bottles of pure malt liquor.' She
said in all honesty.

'So pretty good then?' the caller asked.

'You know it.' Serra responded 'Wait- who is this?'

'I'll give you two guesses.' The caller said 'I'm a living tree, very
stiff and have no political sway.'

'Al Gore?' (Badda- BING! (I think I'm hilarious.))

'It's Nemetta you drunk.'

'Oh, hi little guy.' Serra said, sounding pretty sober 'what can I do
for you?'

'I called to remind you that Lord of the Pit has invited us to his
celebration later today. I'm supposed to pick you up in about an

'Celebration?' Serra questioned as she walked over to her calendar
'Let's see.' She traced over the days, checking off the days she had
to, according to the calendar, 'buy more booze'. Well, that was marked
for every day. Serra backtracked a day or two and stopped on the 4th.
In small red lettering, it said '4th of July Celebration at Pit's
house'. 'Well I'll be damned.' She said 'I completely forgot it was

'That mean's your going, right?' Nemetta asked.

'Give me one good reason.' Serra pressed.

'Alcohol and fireworks. Lots of them.'

'You had me sold at 'alcohol'.' Serra said 'I'm good to go. Just swing
by here on your way and we'll make an appearance.'

'I'll drive.' Nemetta volunteered.

'What? Why?' Serra demanded.

'Because you're so drunk you forgot you were drunk.' Nemetta reminded

'Shit.' Serra slurred 'Now why'd you have to go and do that?'

'See you in an hour.' Nemetta said 'Bye.'

'Bi?' Serra shouted 'I'm not bi! I love the coc-'

'For the next hour, all pitchers are on sale for 3 dollars!' Tsabo
yelled over the commotion in the bar 'and one per customer! And no

Damn, what a bunch of monsters these guys were. Could hardly get a
word in edgewise.

Tsabo sighed to herself as more Phyrexians piled into the already
crowded bar. It was the 4th, so the place was more packed than usual.
But that was not strange. The bars were always packed on Independence
Day. But the crowds were always a little more rowdy.

'What do we have on tap?' a Phyrexian shock trooper asked Tsabo as he
fought his way to the bar.

Tsabo had tired of this question since she had begun working here
after Crovax had kicked her ass for getting her ass kicked by Gerrard.

'Two Dogs, Mike's hard-'

'He is?' the Phyrexian and Tsabo said at the same time, Tsabo with
less than an amused tone.

'-Lemonade,' Tsabo continued 'Guinness, Bud, Bud Lite, Corona, Corona
Lite, Becks, Sam Adams and Red Stripe.'

'It's beer!' The bar yelled at the mention of the Jamaican stripe
'Horray beer!'

'That's a tough choice.' The trooper said 'but I think I'm going to
have to go with a Rum Runner.'

'I hate this place.' Tsabo said to herself as she mixed the drink with
two of her legs 'they ask what's on tap, and they get a mixed drink.
If it were up to me, I'd rip each of them a new one.'

'$3.10' Tsabo said as she put the drink down in front of the trooper.

'$3.10!' The trooper demanded 'This had better be the best Rum Runner
I've ever tasted.' He took a mouthful and put the glass back on the
bar. 'You got lucky.' He mumbled as he pulled out his wallet.

Tsabo took the money and put it in the till.

Something near the door crashed. It sounded like something heavy had
fallen to the floor. A few patrons backed away from whatever it was.
Because she was behind the bar and creatures were in front of her,
Tsabo could not see right off what it was. Extending on all legs,
Tsabo raised herself up about 10 feet so she could see over the heads.

It looked like something had been torn apart and tossed in the bar.
Tsabo looked up above it and realized what it was.

Not too long ago, a smart-ass Hydralisk had come into the bar and
started some trouble. It was put 'out of commission' and hung on the
wall as a warning, telling other Hydralisk that their kind was not
welcome in. Evidently, one of the patrons had become intoxicated and
walked into it, knocking it off the wall.

'Whatever' Tsabo said as she returned to the bar 'It was starting to
reek anyway.

Just as Tsabo was about to take another drink order, the phone rang.

Mirri floated around on a small inflatable raft in her personal spring
–fed pool. It was just one of things that was on her land at the time
of purchase. It was a good size, not exactly for Olympians, but it was
still a good size. Big enough to swim a few laps in, but not so huge
she was living on a lake.

A small oven timer went off in Mirri's head. Somehow managing not to
get wet, she turned over on her flotation device and began sunning her

This was the life. All she needed now was a cabana boy. And she had
just the guy in mind.

Ever since she had a very discerning morning back in December, Mirri
had almost lost all hope that she would ever get her wish.

'Damn these human swim suits.' She said as she adjusted it again 'I
don't know how anyone can fit into this.' Mirri had sent word to
Gerrard that she was holding a gathering of some type. 'Lots of people
will be here, so noting could possibly happen to you' type deal.
Jumping to conclusions, Mirri had gone out and bought herself an ill-
fitting bikini and top.

Sure, the bottom was not made for her species, so she had to cut a
small hold in the bottom half where her tail was, but it was all good.
Well, most of it. Almost good anyway. The clothing was a little too
tight, and every crevice and curve that it covered was pretty well
accented. Hey, no one was perfect.

Mirri looked up, thinking she heard something. Something that sounded
like the engine of the Weatherlight. It was nothing. Probably a Hopper
or something.

Mirri had at one time been serving on the airship with Gerrard and his
crew. Sure, she had a thing for him then, and she sure as hell did
now. The crew had made a stop at Mirri's homeland. There, she ran into
a warrior that had the hots for her for a while. Mirri was not about
to admit to fooling around with him before she left to join Gerrard
and his crew, but everyone knew what was going on.

After the warrior had asked Mirri to stay with him, she turned him
down. Angered, he went after Gerrard, challenging him to a duel type
thing. Accepting, Gerrard pretty much kicked his ass. The elder
explained to Mirri that she would be wasting it all, and that Gerrard
probably would not love her, but love another. Quite possibly another
on board of his ship.

No way was Mirri going to accept that as her final answer. Putting up
a fight with the elder, he summoned Gerrard into this hut. Questioning
him there, the elder told Gerrard that another, outside of Hannah,
loved him but Gerrard said something along the lines of:

'I'll love no one but Hannah.'

Well, for anyone else, that would have settled it, and no more would
be said, and no one sought after. Not the case with Mirri.

Mirri had since sought after Gerrard, sending personal invitations to
any and every excuse for a local gathering. She took pictures of him,
whether he knew it or not, and had tapes upon tapes of herself and
other female cat warriors doing more of a 'Red' title that she hoped
to send him.

If getting Gerrard meant playing with the same gender in front of a
filming camera, it was worth it.

Mirri looked up from her flotation device again. No one was there.
Yet. Set on not giving up yet, she lay back down and waited for
Gerrard to show up.

Nemetta walked over the window and turned up the Air Conditioning.
Whenever he left his tree in the summer, he'd leave it on so he could
return to a nice, frosted over tree. It felt good.

Nemetta grabbed the keys to his Kia (Hey, pay for watching a tree was
lousy), and headed for the door.

Something in the kitchen caught his attention. Like his eyes were
pried off of the door and dragged over to something else.

There, on the counter, his biggest temptation sat.

'Oh no.' Nemetta gasped as he realized his body was moving toward it.
It was like a magnet. 'No!' he yelled 'I don't WANT to do it! Stop
making me do it!'

It was no use fighting it. HAD to do this. Every day it was the same
thing, and every day it worked. Was it dumb luck, or a dumb bartender?

Nemetta slowly walked toward the phone that was in the kitchen,
fighting each step. Reaching out one arm, Nemetta watched as he picked
up the phone and began dialing.

It was a familiar number. One he could dial in a coma. 555- 0667. The
neighbor of the beast.

Nemetta brought the receiver up to his head. The phone rang and a
familiar voice picked up.

'Tsabo's Bar.' Tsabo answered the ringing phone 'Birth place of the
Rob Roy.'

'Yeah, hi.' A voice on the other end said I'm looking for Mike.'

'Who?' Tsabo asked.

'Mike. Last name, Rotch.'

'Hold on,' Tsabo answered 'I'll check.'

Tsabo quickly scanned the bar, hoping that mike was right there,
expecting a phone call. No one looked as if they were expecting a
call. Just Phyrexian creations drinking and having a good time.

'Mike Rotch!' Tsabo yelled 'Mike Rotch! Has anyone see Mike Rotch

The bar erupted into that all-too familiar laughter. A few grunts that
were playing Magic nearby laughed particularly hard.

'Hey, wait a minute-' Tsabo said as she lifted the phone back up to
hear head, now understanding what had just happened. 'You again!' she
yelled into the phone 'If I ever get my hands on you, I'm going to
take out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!' That said, she slammed the
receiver down amid laughter that was coming from the other line.

'You know,' a grunt said as he approached the bar 'It's been a while
since we've seen Your Rack either.'

Tsabo took the comment to thought while she brought her head down on
the bar quite a few times.

'Nothing ever changes.' She said to herself between head-hits.

Nemetta could barely stand as he continued laughing. It was so easy
getting Tsabo like that. Not only did she fall for it every time, he
did it all the time. It was quite the funny afternoon activity, but it
was all worth it in the end.

Content with his wackiness, Nemetta grabbed his keys and headed for
the door. Stopping next the wall that held Rith, Nemetta turned the
security device on. If anything happened, both he and the rest of the
Yavamian forest would be warned about it. Once the system was turned
on, Nemetta headed out the door towards Serra's dwelling.

Nemetta walked up the stone path to Serra's. He was double parked on
the street, so he would have to make it quick. Knocking on Serra's
door, Nemetta looked around him. It was another nice day in the
clouds. The sun was out, birds were singing, Angels flying around. Yes
indeed, a nice place to be. If you don't mind becoming a woman once
you died. But that was a long story.

Usually Serra would have answered by now. Nemetta looked in the window
that was on the door. Everything looked normal, but he did not see
Serra. HE knocked again, butt his time he heard something.

Off to his right, Nemetta heard something move in the shrubs that
adorned the front of Serra's house. Stepping off the front porch,
Nemetta cautiously made his way toward the movement.

Coming within 10 feet of the shrub, something groaned in pain. Last
time he had checked, trees did not make open complaints. Well, Nemetta
could hear them. That was what he did. He could talk to them as well,
but that involved rooting himself in the ground, but after what
happened last time, he had vowed not to do that in public again.

Pushing the bush back, Nemetta saw what he had feared.

Serra was sleeping drunk under the plant. A few empty bottles were
next to her. Same story every day. By the look of things, Serra had
gotten her monthly bottle of imported booze, and had drunk it on the
spot. The packaging told that tale.

Not wasting any time, Nemetta, with some difficulty, picked up serra
and brought her over to his lime green Kia. Unlocking the back door,
Nemetta dragged Serra in with him. Once she was clear of the doors,
Nemetta climbed back out and closed the door.

Looking around, Nemetta noticed that a few other angels had seen him
stash Serra in the back. Evidently they did not think it strange as
the kept walking. Nemetta shrugged and opened the drivers' side door.
Getting in, he started the engine and pulled onto the street.

Turning onto the highway that was a few hundred feet down the road,
Nemetta turned on the radio. A familiar song greeted him.

'We're on the highway to hell! Highway to hell!'

Which was ironic, seeing as he took the off ramp to Phyrexia.

Nemetta pulled into Lord of the Pit's driveway. He could see the big
guy bumbling around his back yard still setting up the tables and
chairs. Like promised, there were more kegs than Nemetta could count
right off. AN educated guess would bring about 15 to 20. Nemetta
exited his car and opened the back door.

Serra had vomited once or twice, causing Nemetta to pull over and
clean it put before the smell soaked into the upholstery.

Lord of the Pit walked over to greet Nemetta.

'Well it looks like we're all here.'

'In a way.' Nemetta answered.

Lord of the Pit looked at him strangely.

'Help me with this.' Nemetta said as he attempted to drag Serra out of
the back 'she's kind of heave for a small forest dweller.'

Lord of the Pit picked Serra up out of the car and headed for the back
year, angel in arms. Sure, it might have looked real strange if it was
anyone but Lord of the Pit, but anyone that saw him, if they did,
would understand who he is and who she was. From some reason, it just
worked between the three of them.

Lord of the Pit walked out back and put the sleeping angel in a lawn
chair. He even turned her on her side so she would not drown if she
vomited again. He was really a nice guy, a misunderstood demon really.
Lord of the Pit took off his Yankees hat and wiped the sweat that had

'Who wants a burger?' he asked.

'Why not.' Nemetta answered 'Tis the season to eat meat off the

Lord of the Pit nodded and opened the grill. He was about to pick one
up, but stopped.

'It's not that easy.' Lord of the Pit said 'What kind of meat do you

'I get a choice?' Nemetta asked.

'Name it and I have it.' Lord of the Pit replied.

'Anything marinated in Daniels!' Serra yelled from her unconscious

Lord of the Pit laughed, as did Nemetta.

The funny thing is, when Lord of the Pit laughs, a small hail of
flaming brimstone comes out with it. When he laughed, a small chunk of
brimstone hit the ground and rolled under an unoccupied lawn chair.
Normally, this would have been no problem, but the bag of 10 years
worth of fireworks was stored under it.

Well, I don't have to tell you the resulting explosion was not only a
big one, but also quite the damned good looking one. The best
explosion Hell had ever seen in fact.

And as for the hero's that were standing next to it, well, they were
covered head to toe in carbon, and only their very cartoon like eyes
were the only thing visible.

'What the hell was that?' Nemetta asked, though his mouth did not

'10 years worth of fireworks, all going off at once.' Lord of the Pit

'Cool.' Nemetta said before falling over, Lord of the Pit right behind

Serra walked out of the house with a beer in hand. She looked over her
downed friends.

'Well,' she said to no one 'When in Rome.' She drank the beer as fast
as she could and passed out.'

'Bombs away.' Yawgmoth said to himself as he dropped another cherry
bomb into the small crowd of Phyrexians below. It exploded, sending
the amassed trooped into a fight.

'I love this job' He said as Bob walked in.

Bob was Yawgmoth's own personal guard. He was always next to Yawgmoth,
meant for advising him and taking a bullet if necessary. But instead
of advising, Bob would normally be the one to make plans for Yawgmoth
himself. He was a tad incompetent when it came to thinking. Everyone
knew that much.

'Bob,' Yawgmoth called from his window. Bob jogged over to his master.

'Yes lord?' bob inquired.

'I grow bored of these small explosives. Get me something bigger, will

Bob bowed and ran off to one of Yawgmoth's many closets. In this one
he opened, Yawgmoth kept a small assortment of explosives and weapons.
These were a last resort option if anyone attempted to come in and
assassinate him.

Bob grabbed a pocket full of grenades and ran them back to Yawgmoth.

'Ooh,' Yawgmoth said 'pretty.' He pulled a sin, popped the spoon and
dropped it. The resulting explosion as a bigger one than the small
cherry bombs had creates.

Chunks of metal burst apart form the grenade and impacted into the
surrounding monsters. They got pissed at each other and started
brawling again. Yawgmoth loved this.

'That's quite the way you celebrate the 4th of July.' Bob

'What?' Yawgmoth asked as he turned from the window 'today's the 4th?'

'Independence Day.' Bob said 'the time of year we celebrate our
independence? We light off fireworks, have cookouts, grill things,

'I had no idea.' Yawgmoth said 'we we'll have to do something, wont

'If your eminence wishes.' Bob said 'what would you like to do in
order to celebrate the 4th?'

'I'd like a huge display of colorful lights in the sky. One so big
that all of hell would remember it. Something absolutely stupendous.
That and a steak. I've not had a steak in so long. Can you do that for
me Bob?'

'I believe it will not be a problem my lord.' Bob said 'I'll start on
the fireworks right now. Before you know it we'll have the biggest
display of-'

Bob was cut off by a series of explosions coming form the West. Both
Yawgmoth and Bob ran over to the window. Off in the West, a series of
fireworks were going off. It was absolutely huge. Lighting up the
entire void of Hell, Yawgmoth was fascinated. This lasted for about 15

'Bob,' Yawgmoth said 'that was amazing. I've never seen anything done
so fast.'

'Thank you my lord.' Bob said, unsure of what the hell just happened
'It was nothing.'

'Bob,' Yawgmoth said 'How would you like a promotion?'

'I would not turn it down lord.' Bob admitted.

'Come with me.' Yawgmoth commanded 'We have some paperwork to fill

Dominaria shook that night as fireworks raged out of every volcano and
crevice that cut to hell. Dominaria was treated to a display of
fireworks, courtesy of Lord of the Pit. That night, all of Dominaria
celebrated their independence. Sky filled with explosions of colored

Happy 4th of July Dominaria, Happy 4th of July.