The Deadliest Sin
Disclaimer: Don't own characters. I've had the idea for this forever but I could never find the time or words to get it on paper. R/R and see what you think of it.
Love. One word, four letters. Alternating consonants and vowels. It's such a perfect word, nice and even. Consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel. I used to think love was a perfect emotion. I used to think that once you're in love you sorta become perfect. You don't cheat or lie or steal or anything like that at all. You're perfect, so much more than you ever were without this feeling in your heart.
I don't know about all that anymore. I never really thought it would make much difference to me, you know? Who was gonna love me? Nobody. Because of that, who would I love? Nobody. You can't give what you've never received. That was another of my little mottos. It seems like everything I used ta know has suddenly gone right out the window. Somebody pulled the rug right out from under me and I'm left without anything to stand on.
I love Wanda so much. It's a good feeling. It's the kind of feeling where you feel all warm and happy inside. It's what I always thought love should feel like. When I'm around her everything else just falls away. I stop worrying about stuff. I'm not trying to say something that'll impress her or do something to show her how "cool" I am. I just am who I am. It's like for once I have a chance to be who I really am on the inside instead of who everyone else sees me as. I like that feeling and because she gives me that feeling I like being around her.
But then there's this other feeling. I don't really know what it is but I know it's wrong. If you love someone, really love them, then you shouldn't get this feeling. It's an addictive feeling. It's like I need her around or else I don't feel right. I feel like some part of me is missing and I need it back more than anything. Without her everything doesn't feel right. Without her I don't feel like myself. Is that bad? I don't want to be addicted to someone or dependent on them. It's kinda scary to think about it like that.
I want her. It's a deep, primal want. It makes me feel pretty ashamed. I always thought I was better than what everyone else said I was. It hurts to realize that inside I really am a dirty, disgusting freak. It's no wonder she doesn't want to be with me. I don't deserve her I guess. Maybe I don't deserve her but I want her all the same. She has such smooth, creamy skin and such wonderful, ruby-red lips. I wanna touch that skin and taste those lips. It's so tempting when she's around. Sometimes I think I'll go insane from it all. It's like a carrot on a string. She's right there, so close to helping me feel whole again but so far out of my reach. I need this girl. I want this girl.
I feel ashamed about that. The wanting, needing, feeling I feel just doesn't seem right. It's not good or noble or anything else like how love is supposed to feel. To be perfectly honest, I don't think that feeling is love at all. I'm pretty sure it's lust and I'm definitely sure it's disgusting. She's so much more than that. She's not just a means to an end. She's not just a thing I keep around to make me feel good. She's a beautiful person and deserves, for once in her life, to have someone treat her like a person instead of an object.
It's a double-edged sword. I know I love this girl but at the same time I want her so I can feel good and whole again. Should I feel that way? Love's pretty selfless by definition. If I use her in a selfish way does that mean I'm not in love with her? What if love and lust are just one in the same? What if this perfect feeling, what I thought was love, doesn't really exist and this is the best you get?
I keep tellin' myself that it does exist. I keep tellin' myself I love her even if she never loves me back. Is that really love though? Is it only love if the person feels the same way about you? I don't think so. No matter how she feels about me, what I feel for her is love.
Sometimes I lay in bed and try to figure it all out. Most of the time I get that warm feeling all over. I imagine what it would be like to hold her. That soft, white skin against mine would feel so good. I wonder what her hair feels like. Would it tickle if I rested my head against it? My mind drifts back to that kiss we shared. She kisses like a dream, a dream that I never want to wake up from. I want to taste her lips again. I imagine another kiss but this one's slower and deeper. It's not just a simple kiss. It's the start of something. Touching comes next. My fingers slide down that soft, velvety skin as our lips continue their dance. It feels so good but there's more to come. Next comes. . .
I always stop there because the warmth fades into a sense of profound dirtiness. It's no wonder she thinks I'm disgusting. If I keep thinkin' that way about her then I am what everyone says. She's no piece of meat, never has been and never will be. She's my snugglebunny and I love her. But at the same time I lust after her on some level. So which emotion is it? Love or lust? Thinkin' the way I do sometimes can destroy what someone has for a person. You start seein' them as a thing instead o' a person. I'd never wanna see her that way. They say that of all the deadly sins, lust is at the bottom of the list because it's the least destructive. With the way it's eating me alive now I think maybe they read the list backwards.