Note: Just in case you don't know, noggin is sort of another word for head. And the title doesn't have much to do with... anything except that I had heard that some people became stupid because of repeated blows to the head. No offense to anybody.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem. I never will.

Quote: "Gorilla and man are different in numerous ways. But there's that occasional gorilla that's more humanoid than the rest."


----- Eli's Elite


Bartre had been sparring with Dorcas on a nice sunny day in Pherae before they had joined up with Eliwood. But that's not important. The fact that Dorcas was frowning is important. I know, he's always frowning, but this time it's because he hadn't been too obliged to spar with Bartre. Bartre had jumped him from behind and challenged him.

Then he had tripped and landed face-first in the ground.

Dorcas pitied the idiot, something that he would regret for quite the while, and tentatively accepted the challenge. And the fought on... on... ... ... ... on Natalie's clothing lines. Dorcas had pitied Bartre enough to let him choose the location. Not the smartest thing to do.

A crowd gathered to watch the two of them fight. Many "ooh's" and "aah's" were heard as the two managed to parry and dodge each other. It's not that impressive but something had to be given to them for fighting on clothing lines.

His wife nearly had a heart attack when she saw the sight before her, of her husband fighting another guy on her clothing lines while trying to keep their stability.


Dorcas immediately jumped off but Bartre was stubbornly enraged at the thought of stopping the spar mid-way. Later, a broom, the small kind that comes with a dustpan, knocked him off. Never underestimate someone with a broom, even if she has a handicap. Dorcas sweat dropped. Bartre was now unconscious on his back. Natalie approached a sweating Dorcas.

"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled at him.

"I'm sorry, Natalie!" apologized Dorcas, "I know it's not safe but-"


". . ."

It was official. The world has gone mad. A handicapped woman was now reprimanding her husband who was one of the men that would one day help beat a ferocious dragon because he had gotten her clothes dirty since he had pitied another guy who was an idiot but also would help beat a ferocious dragon and had chosen his wife's clothing lines as the battleground for a spar because of God-knows-why.

Dorcas then noticed that a certain article of clothing was in Bartre's hand. Dorcas "meeped", knowing the severe consequences of finding your wife's... stuff in the grasp of a... friend. Dorcas tried to pry out the article of clothing as Natalie was waving her little broom at the crowd that was watching the fight and threatening to cause them bodily harm if they didn't leave. Dorcas struggled with pulling the garment of clothing out. But unfortunately, Bartre's subconscious desire was to hang on... That's just wrong. Dorcas pulled and pulled. He was running out of time. He would be in serious trouble if Bartre doesn't let go by the time that his wife finished making threats. With a final yank, the piece of clothing was finally free. It was now in Dorcas' hands. "AHEM!"

Dorcas "meeped" again and sloooooooowly turned toward his wife. He sheepishly grinned. When he realized that Natalie was looking at the piece of clothing he had salvaged from Bartre's death grip, he tried to hide it.

And that was how a frowning Dorcas, with a throbbing red handprint on his face, was kicked out of his house for the day along with Bartre because they were "threats to the 'civilized' society of Pherae". It just so happened right there and then that a knight with an odd odor appeared and that Bartre had disappeared off to God-knows-where.

"Where's that dang fool, Bartre?" thought Dorcas aloud.

"IT'S 'LADY ELI'! SHE'S HERE!" cried out the knight who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere in an odd attire.

" 'Lady Eli'?" repeated Dorcas.

"IT'S 'LADY ELI' OF PHERAE! SHE'S HERE!" cried out the knight once again.

". . . Don't you mean Lord Eliwood?" questioned Dorcas.

". . . I heard the name 'Eli' of Pherae while I was hiding in a bush to collect info for the townspeople," explained the knight.

A few moments earlier -----

The knight was hiding in a bush with twigs stuck to his helmet. His green armour was decorated with brown spots made of God-knows-what. He was planning on gathering info on the noble who was paying a visit to this part of Pherae.

"Come Lowen!" called out Marcus, "We, as knights of Pherae, must protect-"

Dirt somehow got its way into the knight's ear. He paused and scratched it out. Due to that, he didn't hear a word.


"AAAAAAAAAARRGH!" howled Bartre as he tackled Marcus just when Marcus was about to finish his sentence. "TAKE THAT, BANDIT SCUM! THAT SHOULD TEACH YOU TO USE HARD WORDS ON BARTRE THE BRAVE!"

The knight now ran off, satisfied that he had learned of the lady's nation and her name, but a bit confused at "Bartre the Brave's" entrance.

Back to the Present Moment -----

Well, Lord Elbert might have had decided to get another one and happened to get a girl and called her "Eli".

"Uh, I have a question," said Dorcas. "Did you happen to see a guy who's extremely... stupid?"

"Hm," said the knight thoughtfully, "there was this guy who called himself 'Bartre the Brave'. He tackled 'Lady Eli's' right-hand man."


There's never a dull moment when it comes to Bartre. And so, Dorcas rushed off to find him. The knight started rubbing the brown spots off his armour. Just then, the knight's horse came in. The digestive system of an animal is very useful.

When Dorcas finally found "'Eli's' Elite", Bartre had been tied up. Dorcas tried a formal greeting. He approached Lady "Eli". Odd. She didn't look much like a female. She didn't seem to have any physical feminine characteristics. She had a small chest, for one.

"You must be Lady Eli," said Dorcas.

"Lady Eli" looked at Dorcas in confusion. "... I'm LORD EliWOOD."

"Oh. I heard from a knight, who was hiding in a bush, that you were 'Lady Eli'," commented Dorcas.

"I knew it!" cried out a knight with shaggy green hair. "I knew that bush looked suspicious!"

"Oh," added the knight, "and my name is Lowen."

Dorcas stared. Sure, it's not polite to stare. Mothers all over the planet say that. But that Lowen guy probably wouldn't have noticed.

"... I'm over here," said Dorcas.

The knight, Lowen, had been talking to a green-haired girl with a lime green bandana instead of his intended target. Lowen corrected his mistake and turned around to face Dorcas.

"...What did you mean by the bush 'looking' suspicious?" asked Dorcas. How the heck did that guy, who was blind as a bat, suspect that there was a knight hiding in the bushes? He was a bit afraid of the answer.

"Well, it didn't really 'look' suspicious," responded Lowen, "it sort of 'smelled' funny."

Dorcas decided that he didn't want to go into further details. Who would have?

"Hey Dorcas! Help me!"

Uh oh. That voice is way too familiar. It represents doom, death, terror, horror, despair, dismay... and evil. It was...



Speak for yourself.

"-TIED ME UP!" he bellowed. "UNTIE ME!"

"Eli's" Elite stared at Dorcas. "Do you know him?" asked Eliwood.

"...Yes, I do," said Dorcas.

"Unfortunately," he added after a short moment's pondering.

"Hm? Did you say something?"

"No, not at all."

And so, Bartre was freed and he tried to maul our favourite exp hog, Marcus. Unfortunately, he failed to do so. Drats. If he had succeeded, maybe there'd be one less absolutely-useless-paperweight-that-hogs-exp unit.

Bartre and Dorcas made a pact with "Eli's" Elite. They were to fight alongside them in exchange for money for Natalie's medicine. Oh joy. That was the very thought of Dorcas. It wasn't really like that Natalie really needed the medicine; she did pretty well without it. She had, after all, knocked out a fighter with a small broom.



The battle had started and Bartre made his war cry. Well, just one part of it. Apparently, those bandits were total sissies. The girl with green hair and a lime green bandana popped up behind the bandits. She greeted them cheerfully.

"Hi! I'm Rebecca and-"


The bandits screamed again. They probably let Rebecca finish half a sentence because she was less scary looking than Bartre. Before the battle had begun, Bartre found something on the ground and decided to eat it. Nobody knows what it was, but he kept on foaming at the mouth. They tried to ignore it but Bartre kept on sticking his mug in their mugs, which is very distracting. Rebecca screamed, Dorcas punched him, Eliwood nearly decapitated him in shock, Marcus reprimanded him and Lowen... didn't notice.

Well, anyway, the group figured out that the bandits were total sissies. The group did a few experiments. Dorcas' experiment was simple but scared them nevertheless.



Marcus used a commanding tone.

"Halt! In the name of-"


"Eli" took a slightly more passive approach.

"Surrender or-"


Lowen... was facing the... opposite way but... well... he brandished a lance and waved it at Marcus, nearly impaling him. (Darn! Missed again!) The bandits didn't scream at that but they were too scared to make a move on him, even though he was wielding a lance and didn't notice them.

At the end, they ran away. Rebecca had sneaked behind them and prepared to shoot but she sneezed a particularly loud sneeze. And so they screamed...


... Again.

The last one left was some guy named Groz something. Well, at least he hadn't run away. He even let "Eli's" Elite make a plan.

"This is a highly dangerous foe-"

Groz what-sa-mutz-it picked his nose and scratched his rear at the same time. Wow. I never knew somebody could look like an idiot in two different ways at the same time.

"-and we can't afford any mistakes! First, I will attack from the right, Lowen will attack from the left, then Dorcas will attack from the front, and-"


I wonder how many people know how it feels to be pummeled by a steamroller... Well, Groz I-forgot-the-rest-of-his-name does. Bartre went berserk and punched him full in the face and knocked him out. It seemed that Lowen had accidentally mistook Groz I-still-don't-remember-the-rest-of-his-name for a giant rock. Bartre was stupid enough to believe him and punched that "rock" so that his head would feel better. He's got a very, very creative way of relieving his mind.

Well, anyway, Groz I-give-up-on-trying-to-remember-the-rest-of-his-name ended up running away while screaming like the bandits before him. Since many people probably forgot about how the other bandits had screamed, I'm here to refresh everybody's memory.


". . ." Marcus stared. "I still think that my plan would've been better."

Dorcas and Bartre conversed with the rest of "Eli's" Elite. Lord Elbert had gone missing along with his best knights and "Eli" was going to try and find him. After a talk with the nearby village's magistrate, who was Rebecca's father, they went on their way. This is how their conversation went.

The village magistrate- ... nah, let's call him Joe instead. I don't wanna keep on calling him "the village magistrate". So anyway, Joe thanked our favourite noble. "Thank you! Our town crier, the knight of the odd odor, (A/N I think that's what people who ran around the streets and announced things were called.) had told our whole village that 'Lady Eli' had come to save us from the bandits!"

Then the group noticed the crowd of people. Many of them were holding banners that said things such as "Long live 'Lady Eli'!". One of the more disturbing ones was the one that said, "MARRY ME, 'LADY ELI!'". A drooling man with a giant potbelly and missing teeth held that one... yeah...

"... " "Eli" looked pissed. "I'M NOT A GIRL! SEE MY SMALL CHEST?!"

Joe avoided looking there. "But milady, it would be rude to invade a lady's privacy, especially one as elegant and beautiful as you."

"Eli" got the mad twitchy eye. Marcus made a cough that suspiciously sounded a whole lot like a snicker or chuckle. Lowen began getting weird ideas, seeing as how he is practically blind and all. Rebecca blushed in embarasssment because she was ashamed that her father would think such things about their liege. Dorcas was wondering how long he would have to stay with these people and if he would catch anything from them. Bartre was trying to find the "giant running rock" so that he could punch it some more.

"Eli's" Elite started on their way to Santuraz. "Eli" stomped off in a huff to get some guy named Mark. Dorcas still remembered him, the tactician who absolutely sucked but still managed to win a battle against an usurper. Bartre had no clue who he was so he decided to ask around. And unfortunately for Dorcas, Bartre decided to turn to him.

"Hey Dorcas!" he said. "Is Mark a giant running rock?"

Dorcas stared. Now HE was getting ideas. Bartre then asked everyone else the same question but all them chose to remain silent like Dorcas. Good choice.


And so, Eli's Elite rides into the horizon (not literally) and faces each new day as it arises to fullfil its purpose; to let me make a stupid parody of it. Anyhow, what challenges will stall our heroes as they ride forth as the products of my twisted mind?


----- End of Chapter


Bartre: Hard words make his head hurt so he punches rocks to make his head feel better. Also, he'll believe anything that Lowen says. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

Dorcas: He's the poor guy who got stuck with Bartre for quite a while. His wife is sick but she doesn't seem like it. Why? She knocked out Bartre with a small broom.

Marcus: A darn exp hog who is the knight that protects "Eli". He's totally useless compared to the flirtatious Sain, the righteous Kent, and even the blind-as-a-bat Lowen.

Lowen: The guy who needs a haircut. Nobody dares to approach him in the fear that he might accidentally poke their eye out or mistake them for a giant rock in Bartre's presence.

Rebecca: She's cheerful, TOO cheerful! ... Anyway, she's a pretty skilled archer. Most of the time, she overshadows Wil. Poor guy. He has tough competition.

"Eli": He's the leader of the bunch. He's uglier than Nemesis, a guy who's one of the big daddies of Resident Evil, which is a game where you beat up rotting zombies... yeah... I wonder when I'll stop making fun of her-um, his name...


I should stop doing spontaneous stories and plan them first... Well, please R&R!