Yes, I'm still alive. Whether that's good or bad news, you decide. Anyways, thanks to those who reviewed! I'm happy!
Nils: It's bad news, hands down.
Note1: I edited the rest of the story, added a few more things and cut out Bartre as the main character. It was too much of a hassle to fit Bartre in as a main character. Sorry!
Note2: I have just realized how awfully stupid this whole fic is. I have looked over the current content of my story and some of the things aren't funny at all. I've got lots of ideas but most of them are for the chapters to come. Most of the early chapters are completely spontaneous. So I'm sorry for the crappiness of the chapters. And I skipped the side chapter because my idea for it SUCKED and I couldn't think of anything else.
Note3: Uh, does anyone think that the "Eli" thing is getting old? Well, don't worry; someone else will take the place of the "male being mistaken for a female." Take a wild, wild guess.
Nils: If Umbrielle did own FE, it would have been a stupid game. Since it clearly isn't, shedon't own FE.
Quote: "If you've got a name that sounds funny, chances are, somebody's BOUND to make fun of you. Really."
----- Toilet Plungers
Eliwood's Elite was now walking towards... somewhere. They got lost. Apparently, there was a word puzzle on the back of the porn magazine that Marcus had found. It was one of those things that were made so that people could kill time.
Eliwood had thought that it was a map so they were using it to try to get to Lord Darin's castle. He refused to let others take it. It never really occurred to him to open it, but that's a good thing. Others argued and said that the crossword puzzle wasn't actually a map. Well, they were right about that at least.
"It's a 'fashion design', duh!" exclaimed Serra (loudly).
"I know! It's a 'treasure map that leads to weapons of mass destruction'!" declared Matthew.
"You're all stupid, it's a 'cooking recipe'!" stated Rebecca.
"No, no, no! It's a 'diagram about cleaning armour'!" said Oswin.
"It is a diagram, but it's one that 'teaches swordplay'!" said Guy.
"... I don't care as long as it's useful," grumbled Hector. Marcus nodded his head in agreement.
"..." That would be Dorcas.
"IT'S 'FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD'!" said a drooling Bartre.
"Uh, could somebody tell me what it looks like?" asked Lowen.
Well, the guesses were... close... ... ... ... ... ... Well, no.
Then Mark launched into a speech. "In an alternate dimension, or distant future if you must, many people will became sick, nasty, and horny-"
Matthew smirked at Guy knowingly. Guy sweat dropped and whistled innocently.
"-and there will be magazines that will fulfill their obscure fantasies. On the back of such magazines there will be designs of games that will, in a figure of speech, 'kill time'. Those designs will also serve as distractions to avert the interest of innocent eyes. And thus, I believe that that 'map' is one of such designs."
Everybody stared at him. Then they blinked. Fortunately, Bartre hadn't been listening because he'd been eying the magazine with drool. If he had... well, let's just say that Eliwood's Elite might not have had a tactician anymore.
Mark sighed. "Or it could be a primitive blueprint for a tactical plan."
Rebecca raised her hand like she was in school and asked, "What does it say on the cover?"
Eliwood stared at the cover intently and was able to read it. "Dir-ty Mag-a-zine. Dirty Magazine."
Marcus took the magazine from Eliwood and looked at it intensely. After a while, he finally spoke. "It's a book."
The rest of the group eagerly nodded.
"And books usually have info inside them."
The rest of the group once again nodded.
"And when you open them, you can access this info which is stored inside the book."
And the group now nodded for the third time.
"So all we have to do is find a way to access this info."
The group now nodded with much less enthusiasm as they had the first time.
"... Does anybody have any ideas on how?"
The group now shrugged. Figures. Mark, Matthew, and Guy knew perfectly well what it was and were totally surprised by the fact that it had yet to occur to anybody to OPEN the thing. But they decided to play along.
Then a loud scream could be heard. The group rushed forward. They advanced quite a ways before they realized that they were going nowhere.
Then they knew that they were lost. And a couple units in the group, which would be Bartre and Lowen, were gone. The rest of the group breathed sighs of relief. They were better off without those two anyway. What nice guys.
Eventually, they came to a few houses near Lord Darin's castle. They decided to rest there for a while.
Eliwood immediately went into a tent, closed it off to the public, and searched himself for every single little speck of glitter that may have gotten on him. He even searched in spots that would have demoted the idea of him being a female... yeah... Remember, ignorance is bliss.
Hector was, undoubtedly, perturbed by his actions. He still had thoughts of Lord Helman and hula in his head. Ooooh, he's gonna have nightmares about that!
Since the chamber pot had been cleaned and then emptied out (by Bartre), Matthew happily snatched it away from a traumatized Dorcas and dropped the pair of Chinese shoes into it. Guy stared at Matthew and his "invaluable weapons of mass destruction." Hopefully the rest of his three favours won't involve them.
"OH MY GAWD!" squealed a high-pitched voice. Which would be Serra, of course. "ERK!"
Hector suddenly looked hopeful and happy. "Did she say 'urk'?!" exclaimed Hector excitedly. "Yes! The fulfillment of my desire to be rid of Serra is drawing near! She's choking! Matthew, Oswin, don't help her!"
Wow. What a guy. But, to his dismay, Serra turned around, looking perfectly happy and healthy, and said, "Did you say something?"
Hector proceeded to hiding in a tree somewhere. But don't feel bad, Hector. We all share your pain.
Then Eliwood spotted an old "friend". He quickly threw his clothes back on and ran out to greet him. "Erik!" he said. "What brings you here?"
Erik just stared at Eliwood's lower abdomen area. Eliwood followed his gaze and realized that he was in his Scottish kilt. His grandmother had made it for him. It had... bunny rabbits on it.
"Well," Erik started to say as he looked at Eliwood's skirt, "I always suspected that you were a girl."
Eliwood was taken back. "WHAT?!"
Erik ignored Eliwood as he protested and said that he was a guy. "Where's that lout, Hector?" he demanded. Suddenly, a loud, hysterical sobbing was heard from a tree. "Well," continued Erik with a smile, "that just makes my job easier."
He then tried to jab Eliwood with his lance. But at that moment, other things preoccupied Eliwood. "Oooh, a Canadian dollar!" he exclaimed. And so, he bent down and picked it up and also avoided being stabbed by the lance. Wow, being rich and staying alive at the same time, what luck.
Erik said, "You know, those things aren't worth much in Elibe. Just drop it." As he said that he prepared to stab Eliwood. But Eliwood, being the good citizen he was, decided that he didn't want to litter and he walked to a nearby garbage can to drop the coin into. Erik then missed... again. See? It does pay to be a good citizen! Just before Eliwood let go of the coin, Hector decided that he was interested too and jumped out of the tree.
"Ooh," he said, "a Canadian coin!" Eliwood turned, just when Erik tried to stab him again, and gave the coin to Hector for him to examine. Erik decided that he would try to stab both of them at once. Just then, Hector dropped the coin and both him and Eliwood bent down to pick it up. Erik missed again. As you could guess, he was very, very pissed off. Basically, he exploded.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I SHALL KILL YOU NO MATTER WHAT! MY HIDDEN SOLDIERS SHALL CONQUER YOUR PUNY ARMY!" he cried out.
Hector frowned. "Sheesh, what's his problem?"
Eliwood shrugged. "Some people just get angry for no reason whatsoever." Then he offered the coin to Erik. "Do you want to see?"
Erik then decided that he liked Canadian coins too so he eagerly reached for it when Eliwood yelled, "PSYCHE!" and pulled his hand away. All that really did was piss him off some more. Now Eliwood and Hector walked back to camp and Erik screamed out, "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!"
Hector turned around to face him and rolled his eyes. "Oh puh-leeze! How much more unoriginal can you get?"
Then Erik yelled, "I SHALL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
Hector grimaced and said, "Forget I said anything." Well, now that the battle was imminent, everybody prepared for a long and grueling fight with the approaching knights. But they didn't have to. Here's what happened:
Rebecca reached for an arrow in her quiver. But then she realized that she was at the last of her arrows. Since Mark was nearby, she ran to him and said, "Mark, I need more arrows. I ran out of them."
Mark nodded and gave her... a handful of mini-sized toilet plungers. He then explained, "Budget cut."
Rebecca returned to the fray, frowning. She sighed and took one of the plungers, prepared to shoot, and narrowly missed a knight. The bandit recoiled in fright and ran away. "IT'S THE DIRTY TOILET PLUNGER!" he screamed. "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
And that's how all the knights were driven away. They all shared the same concern for personal hygiene as the first bandit so they ran about screaming like them too. One of them tripped near Rebecca and groveled at her feet. "PLEASE!" he pleaded desperately. "SPARE ME!"
Rebecca herself was scared out of her wits by the frightful sight of the groveling knight so she ran off. But the knight didn't take the hint and cowered, waiting to be contaminated with the dirtiness of a toilet plunger, the most horrible fate mankind had bestowed upon itself. NOT. But to the knights, it was.
Now Matthew, Hector, and Oswin were quite happy. Serra was nowhere to be found. That was good. But then she came back. She wasn't alone, though. A purple-haired guy was walking around with Serra clinging to his neck. I shall now give you a moment to give him your most heartfelt pity.
Are you done? ... Oh, come on! You can't pity him that much! That's the problem with readers these days. They pity Serra's victims too much. Did I say "victims"? I meant friends. No, really. I tend to get my words mixed up. Well, anyway, I'll continue the story whether you're done or not.
Erk managed to limp over to Eliwood and Hector. He then said, "I'm Erk. And I do believe that this-"
Erk had a faint but firm trace of a frown on his face.
"-'cleric' is in your service. Would you be as kind as to get her off my neck? I do need it."
After Hector and Matthew reluctantly pried a wailing Serra off of Erk's neck, Erk said, "Thank you. Now I must got and protect my new employer."
Serra beamed. "Aw, how sweet! You still care about me!"
Erk gave an indignant snort. "No. I meant my NEW employer, Lady Priscilla. I must get going now."
And so he left, leaving behind an utterly shocked Serra who later on threw herself onto Matthew and sobbed, refusing to let go. No, I'm not giving you another moment to give your pity. You took long enough last time.
Meanwhile, Eliwood had headed out to the southern village. Rebecca trailed along with him and she could've sworn that even the pirates were scared of her mini-sized toilet plungers. When they got there, they saw Erk and a troubadour talking. Well, at least Eliwood could hire them. But Mark got a different idea.
"ANTI-TOILET PLUNGER PRODUCTS SOLD HERE!" yelled an embarrassed Rebecca. She couldn't believe that she was trying to find a troubadour with "anti-toilet products".Well, it sort of worked.A red-haired girlwas swept toward her along with the rest of the villagers seeking relief from toilet plungers that threatened her hygiene.
Just as she was close enough for Rebecca to talk with her, though, one of the villagers yelled out, "LOOK OUT! SHE'S ARMED!" And of course, the villager meant the toilet plungers in Rebecca's quiver. Amidst shrieks, screams, and monkey screeches (don't ask), the red-haired girl was swept away as quickly as she had been swept in.
Mark yelled, "Time for plan B!"
Rebecca blinked. "We have a plan B?"
"Well, I'm thinking up one right now!"
And that was how Rebecca was walking through town without her bow and plungerswearingone of 'em glasses with the fake nose and moustache attached. Y'know, bow and plungers doesn't actually sound too bad. It could replace bow and arrows.
Well, like in those cliche disguises incident, nobody could tell that the big-nosed man with the glasses and moustache was actually Rebecca. She hadn't changed anything else, just a pair of the afore-mentioned glasses. Stupid cliches. Then when she reached where Erk and Priscilla had been swept to in the midst of panic, she yanked off her glasses. The villagers within her vincinity quickly darted away. Clean freaks.
Anyway, Rebecca spoke to Priscilla and Erk. "YOU BETTER FREAKIN' JOIN MY GROUP AFTER ALL THE #$ TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH!"
Priscilla was quite meek. "I'm sorry but I can't leave."
Rebecca's eye twitched. "You... can't... ... ... leave?"
Priscilla and Erk shook their heads. The troubadour continued as the archer looked on with shock. "The lord around here fanciesme. He has situated guards around the entrances of the village and sadly, they will not let me pass unless it is to go to the castle."
Rebecca dropped her look of shock and felt puzzled. "Guards? What guards?"
Up in a tree and few branches rustled. "Dudes, is she gone yet?" asked a guard.
"Yeah dude, but let's be safe and stay up here," said another.
Several others nodded in agreement.
"Dude! Did you see all those plungers?"
"Dude, did ISEE them? I nearly got one in the face, dude!"
"Uh, dude? She was 50 metres away when we dashed up this tree."
"Dude, you can never be too safe."
"Uh, dude? Why are we all saying 'dude'?"
The leaves rustled as shoulders were shrugged.
"I didn't see any guards on my way here," said Rebecca truthfully.
Priscilla looked at Erk and Erk looked at Priscilla. Then they both looked at Rebecca. "Must be their coffee break," said Erk. "Well, let's go."
And so they went. Oddly, they never saw a single villager as they passed through the gates of the village. The enemy was nowhere in sight either. Erik was standing in the middle of his side of the field all alone. Even his horse had issues with toilet plungers and had left him.
'Father will not fail me,' he thought, 'Father will send better reinforcements, Father will not leave me behind.'
Ephidel watched as Lord Darin frantically packed up all his belongings into a humongous suitcase. The morph lazily said, "I don't see what the big deal is. They're just a bunch of toilet plungers."
"I nearly got one in the face!" he said as he tried to close the latch on his suitcase.
"... That archer wasaproximately 1000 metres away."
"You can never be too safe."
A few minutes later Erik was bound in ropes. He was dazed. Turns out that he had issues with toilet plungers too. What is it with clean freaks and hygiene?
Anyway, Hector was interrogating him. He wasn't getting ANYWHERE, though. All he got was a nod or a shake. He sighed. Erik gave him a nod when he asked where his dad was. Then Hector tried something else. He grabbed ahold of Erik's collar and yelled, "WHY THE HECK IS YOUR FATHER NOT HERE IN THE #&$ CASTLE?! WHERE'S ELIWOOD'S DAD?!"
Eliwood quickly intervened and pried Hector's hands off of Erik's collar. "Hector!" he cried. "That's no way to treat him! Not even for questions such as these!"
And so, he grabbed Erik's collar tightly to the point of nearly suffocating him and he shook the heir of Laus like there was no tomorrow. "WHERE'S MY 50 GOLD?!" he bellowed in Erik's face.
Erik, however, barely flinched. "Ew, you spat on me."
"The 50 gold is in the drawer over there."
Eliwood turned as Hector sighed. He then realized that there were about 20 drawers in the room. Wasting not a second, he immediately started searching through them.
As his buddy searched for his gold, Hector turned to Erik. "All right, just tell me everything before Eliwood finds out that the gold's not there and returns to strangle you."
Since Eliwood was searching every millimeter cube (mm3) of the drawers Erik had plenty of time. "Well, see, my father was planning a rebellion because he thinks that Ostia shouldn't rule Lycia. Then a creepy guy named Ephidel showed up and he had something that motivated my father's plans. Then my father sent envoys to other marquesses. Marquess Pherae approved."
Hector gasped. "Get out!"
"Well, I gladly would, see, you just have to untie me and-"
"Figure of speech. Continue."
"Grumble... mumble... grumble... Well, Marquess Pherae visited here six months ago. My father argued viciously with him. Marquess Pherae distrusted Ephidel and tried to convince my father to send the Blank Fang out of Lycia. Then, Marquess left Castle Laus and as you know, he disappeared."
"Ya know, you don't really seem worried that your dad's not here."
"Meh. He never really loved me anyway. He never got me that Barbie I wanted for Christmas..."
"...! I mean, he never got me that super deluxe ultra strong and near indestructible and also really cool-looking silver lance I wanted for Christmas."
"Right... Get out."
"... Figure of speech?"
"No, really. Eliwood's nearly done checking the drawers."
"Holy crap! I gotta get out!"
"Down the hall, make a left turn, go up the stairs, and enter the door on your right."
"... That's not the exit."
"I know. It's the little girls' room. Eliwood won't look for you in there."
"... Do I have a choice?"
Erik decided "to heck with dignity" and went to hide in the little girls' room. Unfortunately, that's where Lowen and Bartre were. Lowen's blind. Bartre's stupid. Need I say more on how they got in there?
Upon hearing Erik enter, Lowen turned. And since he thought that I giant walking rock was in the bathroom, he said, "I don't see giant walking rocks around here often. Are you sure that this is the correctly gender-oriented bathroom for you? I mean, I don't think that much of anybody can tell with rocks."
Bartre thought that those were big words. So what cha think he did?
You're right. Well, it's gonna be a while before they seeErik again. And as he flew off in the air, he screamed, "I'LL BE BACK! I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"
Hector sighed. 'Cliches must be mandatory with villains like him,' he thought.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THERE'S NO GOLD!" wailed Eliwood. "THEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S NOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, HECTOR?! THERE'S NOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!"
Hector plugged his poor ears. Then, he decided to throw Eliwood some gold. He quickly took fifty gold from his own purse-
"Wha?" Hector frowned. "I don't want to be carryin' no sissy little girl bag! Call it my wallet!"
Fine. He quickly took fifty gold from his own WALLET and threw them to Eliwood. "I found it on the ground. Go nuts."
And he did. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPEEEEEEEE!"
"Now, let's go find your father."
"Oh! THAT father! Yeah, let's go find him! I want my allowance!"
Erk and Priscilla packed up their stuff from the village. As thanks for taking the red-haired troubadour into their asylum, Erk gave the village a life-time supply of anti-toilet plunger products. And they went nuts. After a short discussion, the employer and employee were accepted into Eli's-I mean, Eliwood's Elite. Sorry, old habits die hard.
Serra pouted and refused to let go of Erk's arm even as he tried to get over to Priscilla's side. "Serra, go and mob Matthew!" he yelled as his attempts to escape her were proven futile.
Matthew feverishly shook his head. "Nuh-uh. What do you think I am? A stupid, bloody bloke?"
Erk grimaced and mumbled, "I wish you were."
Priscilla quietly stepped away from the scene of her escort being mobbed when she suddenly bumped into someone. Turning around quickly, she apologized to Guy. Guy gaped and dropped his sword. Priscilla looked at him with concern. "Are you alright? I can make you feel better with my staff if you're not."
All of a sudden, Guy got disturbing mental pictures that involved Priscilla's staff making him feel better. He blames the dirty magazines. "Er, it's all right..."
Quickly, he dashed off from Priscilla, the girl whose beauty he had yet to see be topped by another's. Except maybe the stripper in that other magazine he had read. But that didn't count. Was he.. in love? Oooh...
And so, yet another chapter is done. Eliwood and Hector now guide their companions, old and new, into dangerous bouts with the enemy as they search for Eliwood's father and the allowance that he owes to his son. Greedy little git, isn't he?
----- End of Chapter
Priscilla: She's a nice troubadour... ... ... Well, this is short.
Erk: How'd he get that name? I'd be pretty 'irked' if I got a name like that. Get it? ... ... ... I'll be quiet now.
Well, how'd you enjoy this chapter?
Nils: They probably didn't.
Shut up. Anyways, please review! And if you notice anything missing in the previous chapters because I was revising them, feel free to tell me.