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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHE DAILY PROPHET, LONELY HEARTS
Welcome readers, to the newest section of The Daily Prophet, its aim is to spread the love throughout our world by you readers sending in advertisements describing your good qualities (if you have any) and what you look for in a partner.
All ads sent in will be published, whether written by humans, ghosts or other creatures, although we do advise against replying to someone not of your species (Aberforth, we do mean you).
This weeks motto:
"Fall in love today!
You might get hit by the Knight bus tomorrow!"
Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?
Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!
Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!
Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teachers welcome!
I'm looking for someone who, first and foremost, must be a canine lover and enjoy lots of walkies
-ahem- I mean walks.
They must show reasonable contempt for greasy haired potions teachers (oh, and also, they must definitely not BE greasy haired potions teachers).
Must also enjoy travelling on the back of a Hippogriff, being away from home for months at a time, and it would also be useful if applicants knew how to counteract Permanent Sticking Charms.
Finally I would like to request to all applicants that you do not hold it against me that I am labelled a convicted murderer. This does not mean that at heart I am not a nice guy.
I am, as you can see, above the Common people who advertise in this newspaper, because I can offer applicants the title of Lady Voldemort.However, there are conditions:1. Applicants must be pureblood.2. Have serious aspirations on World Domination (although must be prepared to play second fiddle to me.)3. They must also like snakes, and men who look like them.
Finally, every applicant will receive a pardon in my upcoming Cleansing of the Wizarding Race, as, if you are clever and sensible enough to apply to this advert, you deserve to live (wink wink)
- I am also currently accepting applications for positions in my
'inner circle' as recently I have lost a lot of my death eaters to
insanity, death and imprisonment.
All applicants must be intelligent, female and in my year at Hogwarts.
I also admire thick brown hair (some may call it bushy) on a woman.
I do not mind if you are better than me at everything and let me know it. I must briefly request that NO applicants try to pressure me into joining any House Elf Rights associations.
Any applicants wishing to meet me, must also at once sever any ties they may have with members of the Bulgarian Quidditch team.
Also, they must bear in mind (and not keep telling me) that I do know the 'gar' in Wingardium Leviosa, is 'nice and long'.
applicants must never say anything derogatory about the Chudley
Cannons, whatever your opinions may be on the subject.
First of all I would like to make clear that I am not interested (nor ever will be) in products of cleanliness, such as shampoo. People who are, need not apply.
I feel I must also warn applicants that I do have an extraordinarily large nose, but you know what they say about men with large noses...
must NOT be canine lovers (dog allergies, very much appreciated) and
like most of the Wizarding World, must despise anyone bearing the
Firstly, I wish all applicants to accept that rules are made for a reason, and must therefore not be broken.
Also they must have equal interest and outrage as I do when we discuss the horrific rise in the number of 'leaky bottomed cauldrons' flooding the Wizarding Market.
They must also realise that my job comes first and so does my boss, Bartemius Crouch, a fine upstanding gentleman of whom many lies were written in this newspaper.
I would now like to make clear that, he is not dead, just recovering from a bit of stress and his reliance on me to look after his department was not 'ludicrous' and was perfectly legal.
All applicants will be given a fair opportunity to enchant the ex prefect and Head Boy of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, (ahem) male - or female.
New chapter coming soon!!