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This week's motto:

"Don't kick a man when he's down; beat him up as much as you can before the authorities arrive."

Are you lonely? Depressed? Unable to find a date?

Then fear not! The Daily Prophet, Lonely Hearts is here to help!

Just place an ad in the most popular of Wizarding newspapers and wait for the replies to come flooding in!

Escaped prisoners, Giants, and kinky ex teacher's welcome!

Editor: Err ... wh-wh-whi-which bu-butt - hehe - butt - hehe - which butt...on ... butt...on I press?

Editor flops in the special Editor's Chair, exhausted with the effort of stringing four words into an intelligible sentence.

Editor: Two butt...on. Wh-which one?

'NO' - not th-at one.

'OFF' - not th-at one.

'CODE' - Oh. Know that ......... w .......... wurd?

Editor seems to recognise one of the FOUR buttons, and his tiny mind thinks - well, 'thinks' is too strong a word - that it must be the button to press.

Editor - pressing the 'CODE' button: Not wu-workin'. Wha' wrong?

Editor hits the machine hard.

Editor: Stoopid Muggles.

Obviuosly he is in his stride now. Not so many pauses between words. Editor rocks the machine so it crashes to the floor.

Editor sees something: Oh. Know that ... word ... too. 'PINT'

Editor presses button and says:


Miraculously, the clot has succeeded in making the Muggle 'printing press' work, ans it is now belching out thousands of copies of today's Daily Prophet. However, the idiot read 'PINT' instead of 'PRINT', and had his heart set on Butterbeer, and is now rolling on the floor beating his hands against the carpet, and screaming. The sound appears to be echoed from outside ... Yes, there is, in fact, a naked house elf handcuffed to the railings, screaming the same words.

I, the Quick Quotes Quill, will have to love-and-leave you now, in the not-so-capable hands of the Editor before I become smothered by paper. Good-


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The Daily Prophet Office is SAVED! The Editor walks in the door, and sees the printing press lying on its side, emitting floods of paper, and a large man lying down beating the floor with his fists, screeching "Butterbeer! BUTTERBEER!"

The real Editor: I knew I should never have taken that day off.

He helps up the incompetent idiot and sits him on the settee before beginning to sort out the room.

Eventually, when the printing press has been silenced, he sits down in the Editor's Chair to talk reasonably to the 'temp'.


The temporary Editor bursts into fresh tears.

Editor: I have no sympathy with you, Mr Crabbe, considering your son did the same thing three weeks ago.

Mr Crabbe: Have ... n-n-n-no mun-nee.

Editor: No money? What do you mean no money? Okay, okay, I'm sorry, stop crying. Now, tell me what's the matter. Why do you have no money?

Mr Crabbe: S ... s-s-s ...

Editor: Start? Spattergroit? Stupid! Oh, for goodness' sake, it was a joke!

Mr Crabbe: Sue.

Editor: Sue? Is that your wife? Tell me about her.

Mr Crabbe - shaking his head: Nuh - nuh - sue-d YOU!

Editor: Ah. Yes. I remember. Well, that wasn't my fault, I wasn't the Editor at the time. So, you have no money, and you need a job to pay for your evening classes in bullying, is that right?

Mr Crabbe: Grunt

Editor: Yes? Well, I'm afraid that the damage you have caused here will cost around 45 thousand Galleons, so even if I dock it from your pay, you will still have to pay it -

Editor falls to the floor, apparently unconscious as Mr Crabbe has just delivered a fist to the side of his head.

Mr Crabbe: Hur-hur-hur.

He shuffles out of the room. Five minutes later, the Editor comes round.

Editor: It's not even safe to take the day off any longer. What'll happen when I've got to supervise the Blind Date, and Sports Pages, and the Horoscopes? It'll be -

Editor stops. He has just seen his Quick Quotes Quill on the floor, covered by a foot of paper.

Editor is incapable of speaking. He has just lost his best friend - the thing that writes the stage directions in his paper.

Sorry once again for the long updating time! School/life e.t.c got in the way a bit!

We realise this isn't our usual format and business will return as usual on the next update, we have lots of ideas for the more obscure characters and a return to Harry Potters ad!

We should be updating more regularly now, rain means we can't really go on so many bike rides –sob- but we are working on newer additions to The Daily Prophet Offices, even though the weather is horrible! It's absolutely pissing it down! But there was a very nice rainbow tonight which I had an hour to stare at from my smelly bus this evening cause I were stuck in an HOURS traffic jam on a TEN MINUTE journey! AND it was raining, AND it was a double-decker, which a previous driver had driven under a low bridge –moron- so water was coming through the duct tape at the corner, which those clever bus drivers used to cover the gaping hole! Not that it made a difference cause the rain was running down the INSIDE of the windows anyway :? :!"£$! It case you can't guess, I haven't had a good day! Padfoot .

Anyway ... anyone reading this might be interested to know we have a new section up, "The Daily Prophet, Sports Pages" written by Oliver Wood, they should also be updated more regularly and we have a lot more stuff in the works for The Daily Prophet, including brand new publication, 'Hogwarts Weekly!'. But don't worry, we won't be neglecting Lonely Hearts – too much, and we are working on a follow-up 'The Daily Prophet, Blind Date'! It will be a very busy few weeks at the Daily Prophet Offices! But mind you remember to review! ;-)


By the way, Moony and Padfoot have both got separate accounts now which they have SOMEHOW found the time to put up some stuff:

Moony: xBlackMoon-y

Padfoot: Padfoot1987

Have a look if anyones interested! But first read our newest P,P,M 'story'!