Sirius Black was sex and love and honey words whispered by a burnt-sugar voice, demanding him, demanding thing he didn't think he knew how to give. Sirius Black was everything. Sirius Black was a traitor.
Remus couldn't remember what it was like to be held by someone who cared about him, and he doubted if he'd ever get the chance, but somehow he knew that the mystery was related to one beautiful man with long black hair and rebellious eyes that sparkled like gypsy jewels in his too-cheerful face. Somehow Remus knew that every moment he'd ever felt love, he owed to Sirius Black, lover, sinner, ghost that refused to let him rest.
At fist he hadn't believed it. He hadn't been able to comprehend that someone who just hours before had kissed him and whispered those words into his waiting ears, would betray everything they'd built together. He couldn't believe that someone as wonderful and good, the only good thing in his life, would take it all away from him like that. But gradually the realization had sunk in, and slowly, agonizingly, the horror and disbelief had turned into hatred. Hatred like he'd never felt before and never wanted to feel again.
He'd sworn over and over that love was for fools. After everything he'd been through, Sirius had changed that, and he had truly loved the other man. After the betrayal though, Remus felt like something inside him had died. A part of him had completely shut off, and in the wake of its dying, Remus had gone temporarily mad.
For once in his life, he'd let the werewolf win and had relinquished all control over his own actions. For days and months he'd been completely wild, and nothing could come near him. Not that anyone was particularly concerned about the well-being of a murderer's ex-best friend and lover. He was left alone to slowly drown himself in his own self-loathing and betrayal. After thirteen years, he still went to sleep every night, hoping it would be his last. It was a lonely way to live. But werewolves knew loneliness like no other creatures.
For thirteen years, Remus faded.
For thirteen years, Remus endured without Sirius.
For thirteen years, Remus wished for death.
After thirteen years, he was granted life instead.