The Fabulously Brilliant Life of Hermione Granger: A Divination Essay
By Ronald Weasley
Divination, being the exacting science that it is, lends itself quite well to picking up impressions from those around us. The sixth sense- also known as the inner eye- can take years to develop fully. The author of this essay, for one, has only the utmost respect for those with the gift, and can only hope to attain even half of the accurate predictions of his illustrious predecessors and mentors. Knowing his own meager limitations, the author has spent countless hours trying to divine the future of those around him, only to find one person whose future was made terrifyingly clear to him, in a moment of what amounts to no less than perfect clarity. Perhaps the reason he found himself finding his subject impressing upon him so strongly is the fact that she is completely devoid of the gift herself. Ironic? Maybe. Saddening? Definitely. Hermione Granger is only so lucky that she has friends in Divination who care.
The meticulous methods- of this glorious science- that were used in predicting the indefatigable Miss Granger's future were reading tea leaves and crystal gazing. The tea leaves used were Darjeeling- as Earl Gray doesn't lend itself well to the science- and leaves a funny aftertaste. The teacup used wasn't an actual teacup, but a porcelain mug in Gryffindor colors bearing the motto, 'Harry can Snitch on me any time!' It was found- in previous controlled settings- that the choice of mug over cup does not contribute to skewing divination results in any way.
The tea itself was too strong, the water a bit too lukewarm, and the dregs overly numerous- but despite this- the author found the homemade biscuits from his mother to be quite savory, and a perfect accompaniment to save an otherwise dreadful beverage experience. In attendance at said tea were the author, Ron Weaslely; Harry Potter; Parvati Patil; and the subject in question, Hermione Granger. The other attending members were there as a safeguard to help ascertain the author's accuracy in prediction.
Upon first glance, the dregs gave a strange impression. The author was quite certain that they showed a picture of what looked suspiciously like a ferret, which could have hardly been correct, as the ferret has always been a portent of bad news. Showing the dregs to the quality control tea sippers, the author's worst fears were proved correct and then some. Parvati Patil saw what she described as a rather unfashionable set of dress-robes from Madame Malkin's. Harry Potter saw what could only be described as, well, let his own words speak for themselves, 'That lichen like mold that grew in the depths of the Chamber of Secrets.' It would seem that our dear Hermione's future is dire indeed. Hermione herself, as if sensing her own impending doom, refused to even look at the dregs, claiming, 'If you all devoted as much time to studying for the N.E.W.T.s as you do to Divination, your marks would be higher. And put out that blasted incense, the whole common room smells like patchouli!'
Immediately, the author turned his attention to the standard size crystal ball that was set up in the middle of the tea table in the Gryffindor common room. Concentrating upon the symbolic meaning of the tea dregs, he found himself in a trance. (In retrospect, whether the trance was brought about by the act of crystal gazing itself, or by the proximity of an empty bottle of Old Ogden's Firewhisky, is unclear.) What follows is an exact account of what the author saw in the mysterious mercurial orb that changes our lives so irrevocably.
Hermione Granger will someday, in the near future, have an encounter with a rabid ferret. Past experience dictates that a ferret is another symbol for a student of great prominence in Slytherin House. This student will have blond hair and will bear great resemblance to his avatar. This vile ferret will speak malicious lies and be deposed forthwith by a brave russet-haired wizarding hero, but not before Miss Granger has been hit with a stray hex.
The hex in question will be particularly nasty and inflict poor Miss Granger with bad fashion sense for approximately one fortnight. Despite everyone's attempts at rectifying the fashion tragedy, Miss Granger will nonetheless find herself an unwilling fashion victim. As such things go, the fashion faux pas will have Miss Granger frantic and decidedly not herself. So much so, in fact, that she will give up her selfless campaign for the rights of house-elves everywhere and quit the Presidency of her grass-roots organization known as S.P.E.W..
The ensuing elf rebellion that will be unleashed upon Hogwarts will be of such a magnitude, that the author himself has refrained from gazing down that path any further. The reader would do well to be forewarned.
On the upswing, there will be a Valentine's Ball that Miss Granger will feel compelled to attend with the previously mentioned russet-haired wizarding hero. Alas, this ball will occur during the aforementioned 'fashion tragedy' taking away from the overall enjoyment of those attending.
During the Valentine's Ball, a wizard from Bulgaria will make his nefarious appearance once more in Miss Granger's life. This wizard will not have her best interests at heart, and will do everything under his power to sway her with his foreign accent and brilliant Quidditch moves. Despite all warning, she will go off with this foreign Don Juan, where he will convince her that he can teach her to get over her fear of flying. She will mount a wicked new Firebolt, but her elation will be short lived. The broom's streamlined, superfine handle of ash, treated with a diamond-hard polish will slip through her fingers like sand through a Time-Turner and Hermione will fall to certain tragedy.
Her foreign Quidditch admirer will only have time to fire off one spell, but his accent will botch up the whole thing, sending Miss Granger into a puddle of goo, mud, and lichen like mold reminiscent of the Chamber of Secrets. She will be inflicted with the horrible stench of the experience, and have to spend an indeterminate amount of time in hospital. Madame Pomfrey will insist on detaining the dedicated Prefect, causing her senseless suffering in having to make up missed assignments- especially with one miserable git of a greasy Potion's Professor who shall remain unnamed- during her free time.
Upon her return to her every day activities, Hermione Granger will then channel the spirit of one Mad-Eye Moody and plague her friends with unwanted trips to the library, study sessions, and color-coded study schedules. 'Constant Vigilance!' will be her battle cry, and no one will be safe from her influence during the days leading up to sitting the N.E.W.T.s. Dire times indeed will be unleashed upon an unsuspecting Hogwarts.
Will the N.E.W.T.s prove to be the death of Miss Granger? It certainly seems as if that possibility has more than a passing chance of becoming reality. What is more, will she be the death of her friends? Or, even more ominously, will one of her friends inadvertently do the dastardly deed that will finally knock her off? Two out of two quality control tea sippers agreed that a warning was truly in order to possibly sway fate from Hermione's path. The warning is that, 'She really needs to sort out her priorities. And while being brilliant is good, being scary is quite another thing.' Will the warning be heeded? The author cannot be certain-for fate is a fickle mistress- and the vision left as abruptly as it came. However, he is certain of one thing. The outcome of the fabulously brilliant life of Hermione Granger is only a matter for time to determine.
Author's Note: An older story of mine. I always imagined Ron writing B.S. essays for Divination with Harry. The Ron/Hermione pairing was foreshadowed by Rowling quite early on. Enjoy! Please read and review- I enjoy hearing from people.