( Author's Notes: This story is highly anti-romance, so if you think Johnny has found his one twu wuv, you're sadly mistaken. This story is the anti-love story, against all of the Mary Sues that constantly plague Johnny in fanfiction. Most original character romances usually turn Johnny around, make him realize his problems, or are instantly able to seduce him because they're "just like him!!1!" I, and other JV fans, are tired of this nonsense, because most of these stories are most likely written by prepubescent fangirls who want nothing more than to get into Johnny's ink-and-paper pants. If you are going to create a romance for Johnny, READ THE FUCKING BOOKS, and take a lesson from Devi. Thank you. )


The moonlight shone through the curtainless windows and landed on the tall, sickly figure of Johnny C., who was illuminated by the light of the television screen. Lazily, he punched the buttons of the remote control, enjoying the screams of the pimple-faced teenager who had spit in his meal earlier at Burger Hell. Electronic torture equipment was such a powerful thing, especially when it was hooked up to everyday items. Each time Johnny pressed a button on the control, the greasy burger lackey screamed as he got ten thousand volts through a probe in his ear. Johnny snickered, taking pleasure in his handiwork. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"…the fuck?" Johnny wondered aloud, getting up to answer the door. He peered out the window first, but since he was devoid of any outside light, he could only glimpse a tall shadow on the step. Warily, he pulled the door open a crack, warding himself against any possible danger. "Yes?"

"Hi!" A high-pitched, giggly voice greeted the man as his door was pushed open. Into the light stepped a tall, impossibly thin girl with a Barbie doll figure. Her champagne blonde hair had pale almond streaks and fell in perfect waves down her back, stopping just below her hips. Johnny could barely see by the light of the television that she had pale blue eyes, her skin was a brassy tan with a smattering of freckles across her nose, and her clothes clung to her body like plastic wrap. "My name's Courtney and I'm your new next-door neighbor! It's so cool to meet you!" She grabbed Johnny's hand and squeezed it affectionately, as if she had known him all her life.

His hand recoiling from the girl's touch, Johnny looked her up and down with distaste. She was so…disgustingly perfect, and quite scary. "Okay…but why the hell are you at my house at two in the morning?"

Courtney gave a sugary giggle as she began wandering around Johnny's living room, glancing at the various "ornaments" scattered around the room. "Don't you know? I always stay up this late! You know what the awesome thing is? I'm able to get up at seven the next morning and not be tired! And my skin is never messed up! It's so great! Isn't it?" She stopped in front of Reverend Meat's shelf and looked at Johnny, who had a void look on his face. "Y'know, you're kinda cute."

One of the muscles below Johnny's right eye twitched slightly. There was something seriously wrong about this girl. "Your voice gives me a headache…no, wait, everything about you does. Do you mind leaving…and never coming back?" He turned around and faced the window, trying desperately to suppress the anger this irritant was causing.

"You're silly," the girl giggled, walking up to Johnny. "You're like all my old boyfriends! They complained about me all the time! All they said was that I talked too much, that I was too hyper; I was too 'ditzy' for them. Isn't that stupid?" she said practically in one breath. "I mean, everyone else loves me! I was the most popular girl at my old school, and all the guys loved me, but once they started to go out with me, they started to hate me. That was so totally uncool. How could they hate me?! They're all so lame!"

Face in hand, Johnny turned around. "You still haven't told me why you're here, you plastic, buzzing fucktard. Really, all your words have started to run together."

Courtney flipped her hair, examined her right fingernails, and looked to Johnny with a vacant smile on her face. "Duh! Hello, I've fallen in love with you!" As usual, she finished her sentence with a bubblegum giggle. "You must not have had a girlfriend before, because can't you see how pretty and perfect I am? You'd be the perfect boyfriend! You're so dark and mysterious!"

'I can't take much more of this shit,' thought Johnny. 'I have to do something. NOW.' Gripping the knife handle in his trench coat pocket, he looked at the girl with an expression of venomous distaste. "Yeah…dark and mysterious. In fact, how about you come back in my bedroom, and I can show you how mysterious I can be." He gave the girl a cold, hard stare, hating himself for resorting to these measures.

Gasping, Courtney raised two perfectly manicured hands to her face. "Really? Ohmygod, ohmygod! This is so great!" She squealed in happiness as she made her way towards Johnny's bedroom, with him following behind. He gripped his knife tighter, waiting for the perfect moment. Courtney's ecstatic gait slowed to a stop as she looked around the dusty, smelly bedroom: the unmade, crusty bed, the shattered, bloodstained mirror, the crumbling figures of the two Doughboys in the corner. Her pert nose wrinkled in distaste. "Ugh, your bedroom is so grody! Don't you ever clean…er…what was your name again?"

"Johnny. My name's Johnny," he said, narrowing his eyes.

The girl sidled over towards him and grabbed his arm, looking up into his disgusted face. "Johnny? That's such a cute name!"

"Yes…cute," he said. This was the perfect moment. Johnny raised his foot, clad in his trademark boots, and kicked her square in the face. Blood spattered from her nose as she fell backwards onto the filthy bed, her right eye poked by the toe and turning black. While she was down, Johnny removed the knife from his pocket and brought it down straight into her stomach, grinning as she screamed in horror.

"What are you doing? This isn't how it's supposed to go!" Courtney screamed as he dug the knife further into her gut, driving it into the mattress. "Oh God! I'm getting blood in my hair, you psychopathic freakazoid!"

"You! You pathetic little ass tick!" Johnny hissed as he loomed over her, jabbing her in the nose with his long, pointed finger. "It's loathsome creatures like you that make me sick! It's as if you only exist to satisfy your hormonal, empty-minded desires!" He turned away, grabbing a shard of glass from the floor and raising it above his bed-ridden victim. "Do you wonder why nobody likes you? It's because you're a pathetic, whiny shell of supposed perfection!" he screamed. Enraged, he brought the glass down, slicing the girl's perfect arms, legs, and bared stomach, cutting harder and deeper with each pleading scream. "Everyone wonders why I hide myself away from humanity? It's because of 'people' like you! You're so pitiful you're willing to make yourself available to someone you just met! Acting like love is something you can buy at the 24-7 for a dollar fifty, when it's nothing more than another meaningless emotion!" In a final act of rage, he shoved the jagged shard into her neck, spurting blood everywhere.

"B-but…you're supposed to…like me! Everyone…else does!" Courtney managed to choke out, her words cracking as her voice box splintered.

'Damnit, is she EVER going to die?' Johnny thought to himself as he picked up her shoe. He ran his finger along the high pointed heel, which was surprisingly pointy for a shoe. Leaning over the crying girl, he smiled wickedly. "Well, fuck you, and fuck everyone else. It's been fun," he said. With a loud SLAP, he brought the shoe down on her forehead, the heel impaling itself into her brain.

Without looking back at his latest work, Johnny slammed the door to his bedroom and grabbed his car keys from the table. "Damned airhead. I need a Brain Freezy."

The End!