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Act 1: Not Again
In the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom, very close to Princess Peach's castle, lied the home of the most critically acclaimed and prominent idols in all the land. This was the humble adobe of none other than Mario Mario. His tales of endless heroism were known throughout his world, as he was best known for foiling the twisted plots of the diabolical King Bowser Koopa and saving the fair Princess Peach Toadstool.
During the mid-afternoon, Mario headed toward his mailbox in the front yard to pick up the mail that had just been delivered. He rummaged through a stack letters, noting nothing out of the ordinary.
"Bills... bills... credit card offers... bills..." Mario shuffled to one particular envelop which promptly exploded as soon as he touched it. "WOOAAH!! Bullet Bill by mail... I'll get you, Wario..." He growled through gritted teeth as he continued shuffling through his delivery. "Titillated Toadettes resubscription?" Mario raised an eyebrow of confusion when he came upon this piece of postage. "I need to tell Luigi to stop using my address..."
Eventually, he stopped on one particular letter: a pink-enveloped parcel with a crowned golden mushroom stamp in the upper-left corner. This type of envelop only came from one person...
"A letter from Peach..." Mario hummed with a nod as he slid a finger through the seal, opened the envelop, and read the letter.
Please come to the castle. I've baked a cake for you!
Princess Toadstool (Peach)
"I was just in the mood for one of her cakes, too!" Mario said satisfactorily, hungrily rubbing his stomach.
Mario bought his mail into his house and took the nearest warp-pipe to Princess Peach's castle. Her home was looking just as grand and splendid as ever, with birds happily chirping, rabbits playing in the hedge maze, the waterfall flowing pure and clean as always.
Still with the letter in hand, Mario fished it out of his pocket and took a look at it. He couldn't help but feel like something was off about this whole situation, involuntarily raising an eyebrow as his eyes skimmed over the letter once again.
"Why does this feel so ridiculously familiar? In fact, why did Peach send me a letter instead of calling me?" Mario suddenly wondered. "Eh, maybe I'm thinking too hard. It might be a special occasion or something."
Shaking off his suspicions, Mario ran to the front door and let himself into the castle.
Without warning, accompanied by a threatening fanfare, a booming voice echoed throughout the main lobby of the castle.
"WELCOME!! NO ONE'S HOME!! NOW SCRAM-- AND DON'T COME BACK!! GWA HA HA!!"
Suddenly, it hit him: this was exactly how his greatest adventure yet had started: Super Mario 64! The same exact letter... the same exact greeting... It all came rushing back into Mario's memory.
"Not again... I have GOT to stop falling for Bowser's stupid tricks! I can't believeI fell for a rehash..." Mario sighed, disappointed in himself and Bowser's lack of creativity in his latest scheme. "Well, time to get to work."
All this time, Mario hadn't even stepped out of the doorway. He took nearly two steps and was immediately greeted by Toad, who wasted no time dealing Mario a heavy dose of incessant complaining.
"Mario! This is terrible! The princess was kidnapped by Bowser again! What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" He bawled.
Mario wasn't too upset before, but seeing this display of sheer weakness set him off. Toad was supposed to be guarding the castle, and in the event of an impending kidnapping, he was to notify Mario ASAP to promptly save the day as he usually would. Instead, he finds Toad bawling in a corner, not even attempting to do anything about what just happened. It was things like these that Mario just couldn't tolerate.
"You're are so useless, it's unbelievable!" Mario growled, seething with rage. "I'll tell you what we're going to do:NOTHING!! I'm going to find Bowser, beat him within a nanometer of his life, rescue Peach, and tell her get rid of you! And until then, you will shut the hell up, stand in a corner, violate yourself with your own fist, and smile about it."
Toad just stood there. He had never seen Mario so enraged before. A stunned, sad, and hopeless look was plastered on Toad's face.
"What are you waiting for?! Get over there!" Mario furiously demanded, sending a boot to Toad's backside and a few fireballs for good measure.
"AAAACK!! OKAY, OKAY!!" Toad cried as he frantically ran to the farthest corner and began his sentence.
"And if I find out you moved from that spot..." Mario wasn't even able to complete his threat. His blinding anger clouded his creativity. "Don't... move... from that spot."
He finally left Toad to his fate and began his trek to the final battle stage. Since he sensed that since Bowser hadn't fooled around with the Power Stars this time around, he could just go straight to the end.
Not too long after he set out, he reached his destination without many hardships; none at all, in fact. He jumped down the final warp-pipe and prepared for an arduous battle. Much to his surprise, the only thing that awaited him was an empty, star-shaped platform.
"What...? I left this place like this years ago!" He realized as he glanced around, expecting this to be a trick.
Mario then noticed a lone, yellow note in the middle of the field. He walked up to it and picked it up off the ground. With a red watermark in the shape of a very familiar head, he knew exactly who it was from. It read:
To the Fattest, Dumbest Plumber in all of MushroomKingdom
You really are an idiot. I really meant it when I said nobody's home. You're really never gonna find me, meaning you'll never rescue Peach, so I suggest you get really used to rescuing yourself every morning and night, if you know what I mean... GWA HA HA!!
Get it? It's funny because I'm playing on the idea of "rescuing". You rescue Peach from danger, she probably rescues you from... you know... But this time...
Uh oh... ...running out of room to write... I'll just end this with the laugh.
GWA HA HA!!
From the Illest of the Ill, the Baddest of the Bad, and the Evilest of the Evil,
King Bowser Koopa
P.S. GWA HA HA!!
Words could not describe how angry Mario was at that exact point in time. He crumpled the note in one hand, which lit ablaze and subsequently fried the letter.
Figuring there was nothing left to do; he jumped off the star-shaped field and ended up back in the castle courtyard. With no leads on where Bowser could be, he he could only take a seat in the grass and ponder about who could help him now. He sat with his legs crossed and his palms resting on his knees.
"Alright, time to calm down and think... Bowser couldn't have gotten that far. He moves pretty slow and he's not exactly inconspicuous, so someone had to have seen him pass by. But who..." Before he could even finish his thought, the answer hit him, causing him to jump up in excitement. "Yes! He could help me!"
Mario dashed toward the courtyard cannon and hopped in, preparing to blast off toward the roof of the castle. Carefully aiming himself, he shot himself to the top, flawlessly landing right by the sleeping character he knew could help him.
"I knew it..." He mumbled in a low voice. "Hey, wake up!" Mario said, nudging the resting shoulder. "Yoshi! Wake up!"
With a groggy stir, Mario's faithful companion, Yoshi, uncurled himself from his sleeping position and rose to his feet, stretching to wake his body up.
"I can't believe you're still here after all this time. Don't you ever go home?" Mario wondered.
"Yes, I head home from time to time... But I consider this my home away from home. I mean... it's quiet, it's peaceful, and I have a perfect view of the sunset... What more could I want?" Yoshi asked, raising his arms in question. "So... what can I do for you? Need a hundred extra lives again?"
"Not this time. I need some info. Bowser kidnapped Peach again and he's probably doing who-knows-what to her as we speak." Just then, Mario let out a tired and disappointed sigh. "I really need to have a talk with her. We went over this a thousand times... How safe can you be when you have Toad, who curls up in a corner, cries, and fists himself, guarding your castle?"
"He... fists... himself?" Yoshi asked with a face screwed up in confusion, not quite understanding what Mario meant.
Back in the corner of Peach's castle...
"Ugh... How does Mario expect me to... Wait... WAIT!!" A sickening squish was heard. "AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Returning to the roof...
"Don't even try to think about it..." Mario shook his head. "Anyway, I know you had to have seen something before you fell asleep."
"As a matter of fact, I did. I actually saw Bowser flying into the sky in his Krazy Klown Kar just when I came to the roof. Later on, he jumped off and fell through a warp-pipe." Yoshi recalled. "He did have a large sack slung over his shoulder, but I didn't think anything of it. I just figured he was taking it easy for once. I should've known better..."
"Do you remember where the pipe was?" Mario asked.
"Yes, indeed. Look straight ahead and turn about seventeen degrees eastward." Yoshi instructed.
Mario just turned to Yoshi, giving him an annoyed look.
"Are you kidding me? You know I don't have an innate sense of direction like you Yoshis do..." Mario muttered.
"A thousand pardons... Just follow the egg, then." Yoshi said.
He then popped out an egg and grabbed it with his throwing arm. After a brisk wind up, he sent the egg flying towards the pipe he was talking about. It was roughly about three hundred yards south of the castle.
"What an arm..." Mario said in awe. "I've been wondering this for a long time now: how can you throw like that?"
"Well, it's actually impossible to throw an egg that far. The only way to get it that far is to know the truth." Yoshi explained.
"And the truth is..." Mario inquired.
"There is no egg." Yoshi said and smiled.
"Alright... No more movies from Earth." Mario replied. "Anyway, thanks for the info. I'm going to go home to prepare for the journey and set out tomorrow. You want to help me out? It'll be just like our first adventure together!"
"I would go, but I have to stay with that bratty kid of yours. Ever since I saved him from Baby Bowser, he's been hanging on my tail and riding me every waking moment!" Yoshi said angrily.
"Oh yeah... My... son..." Mario stammered. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, me and Peach appreciate you watching him against your will. Just to let you know, you'll be doing this for a loooooooooong time." Mario said.
"Wait until I settle down with Birdo... You'll see... I'll be sure to send all of my children your way." Yoshi vengefully promised.
"You know, Yoshi..." Mario began. "Birdo is a man... named Ostro. He has a serious case of gender confusion."
"Those are rumors, Mario! Nothing but awful, awful rumors!" Yoshi grew offended, refusing to believe what Mario was saying.
"Okay... Whatever you want to believe." Mario sighed, leaving it to Yoshi to find out the horrible truth on his own. "I'll see you later."
"Good luck!" Yoshi called out just as Mario jumped into the warp-pipe leading home.
Mario returned home almost within an instant. The sun was setting fast; when he jumped out, the sun just sank below the horizon, leaving the sky a pretty shade of orange blending into a nightly-blue. The scene on the home-front seemed quiet enough. As he neared closer and closer to his front door, though, he noticed it was slightly opened.
"I know I locked the door before I left." Mario murmured to himself.
He cautiously stepped through the front door. It was eerily dark as he made his way past his living room. A strange, blue glow radiated on the hallway walls. He looked through the doorway and found the TV on at a low volume. Mario didn't like what he saw on his screen, though.
"Toadettes Gone Wild?!" Mario gasped as he dove at the remote on the arm of his couch and shut off his television.
That's when he heard heavy breathing. It was faint, but he could tell it was coming from upstairs. Briskly, but quietly, he made his way upstairs and followed the gradually loudening breaths to his bathroom. The door was closed, just as he left it earlier, but by the glow of the light from under the door, he knew someone was in there. Mario put his ear to the door, hoping to figure out who this intruder was.
"Ooohhh yes... oooohhh yeah... ooohhh Mama Mia..." A familiar voice chanted from the other side of the door.
"Of course..." Mario sighed as he backed away from the door and assumed an attack position.
Suddenly, Mario kicked the door down and caught none other than his younger, taller brother, Luigi Mario, with his pants down, literally. In one hand: Titillated Toadettes magazine. In the other... ...that'll be left to the imagination to decide...
"Luigi... How many times must I tell you not to watch your filthy porn here?! Huh? How many times?" Mario angrily demanded.
"Sorry... But it's not like you were here this time..." Luigi muttered, pulling up his pants, extremely embarrassed.
"That's not the point! This is my house! You broke in and left the door wide open! You know I can have you arrested?!" Mario shouted. "It's bad enough Bowser kidnapped Peach again and Toad didn't do anything about it again. You being here just makes my day worse."
"Bowser got to Peach again? Unbelievable..." Luigi sighed, shaking his head.
"Is it really that hard to believe? What I find bewildering is that we're still depending on him to keep the castle safe." Mario said.
"That is incredibly amazing. You'd think we'd all know better by now... Well, we'll fix that after we save Peach." Luigi assured him.
"Wait, wait... Wait a second... We'll? As in: we will? As in: you and I will? Think again, Mr. I-masturbate-in-my-brother's-bathroom. I'm not working with you again. No. You cramp my style in ways impossible to imagine." Mario said.
"Well, get over it! Whatever you say isn't stopping me. I'm coming too, whether you like it or not." Luigi shot back. "I'm tired of sitting around in that stupid mansion all day. There are still ghosts there! They used to be scary, but now they're just annoying! I can't watch my... tapes... over there because they always have some smart-alec side-comment! And I never have any privacy! They're always watching me! ALWAYS!!"He emphasized."It wouldn't be so bad if I had visitors or something, but even Daisy stopped visiting."
"Speaking of Daisy... Your relationship with her isn't happening because she actually likes you. She's only with you as a favor to me. You see, Donkey Kong kidnapped her for no reason way back when he was into kidnapping helpless females. It was probably because he could never get to Peach, since Bowser was always after her. I guess Daisy seemed like the next best thing.
"After I saved her, she was ready and willing to do anything for me. And I do mean anything." Mario stressed. "I had a few things in mind, but I decided to be a good brother. I tried to get her interested in you so you could develop your own identity. You've been living in my shadow for way too long, so I figured with the right woman, you could make something of yourself. I guess you like the shade because you're still living in my shadow. People are starting to forget your name. They just refer to you as 'the green Mario' or 'Mr. Greenie'. Even I'm starting to forget. How can you live with being nothing more than my eternal understudy?"
Luigi thought hard about some type of retribution statement, but Mario's words were unfortunately true. No one knew who he was anymore. The only thing they knew about him was that he was a coward. Luigi could admit that he's more cowardly than the average person, but when it came down to it, he had courage deep down inside of him that could easily rival, if not best, Mario's.
With a clutched fist and gritted teeth, Luigi just took Mario's words to heart and began mentally preparing for when he'd be able to prove not only his brother's assumptions, but everyone else's wrong.
"I am going to go home now." Luigi simply stated, opting to leave instead of starting an argument.
"Best news I heard all day." Mario nodded, approvingly.
"Don't think I won't be back, though, because I shall return! Tomorrow, bright and early, we're gonna go to get Peach back. Be ready." Luigi said and headed out of the house.
Mario waited until he heard his front door close.
"Don't worry. I'll be ready. I won't be here when you are, though." He replied to a nonexistent Luigi while heading up to his bathroom to prepare for bed.
After preparing for bed, Mario headed toward his room and jumped under his covers, getting rested up for what he anticipated to be one hell of a day tomorrow.
"I don't even know why I'm in bed so early. It's only Bowser I'm dealing with. This'll be just like every other episode I been through." Mario thought to himself, aloud. "Eh, I'm tired anyway. A good night's sleep should do me good."
With that and the sound of his music box softly chiming the Piranha Plant's Lullaby, he dozed off and fell asleep. Little did he know that this trip to save Peach from Bowser's clutches would be nothing like any adventure he had ever gone on before...