A/N: This fic has some considerable amount of History incorporated into it. It is of course a crossover between Harry Potter and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In this fic I used the actual script to The Rocky Horror Picture show and included some actual lines used in some of the role-play floorshows the hard-core Rocky Horror fans staged while the movie played in different theaters across the country. These were not difficult at all to obtain, though, but it's the thought that counts. The RP lines will be in bold so as to identify them as not my own ideas but the creations of brilliant Rocky Horror RP patrons from different theater audiences. This fic is both a celebration of the Rocky Horror legacy and its fans, and also a product of my complete boredom and desire to see Professor Snape in drag. Let me know if you've tasted blood and you want more, because I'll be happy to thrill you, chill you and fulfill you with more installments of this fic.

-The Absynth Fairy (Misspelled for a REASON, Julie(), dearest) ;-)

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter or The Rocky horror Picture show. If I did, then I wouldn't HAVE to write slash, now would I?


The Harry Horror Picture Show

And this is where our strange journey begins...

Harry Potter wasn't at all unfamiliar with strange, unlikely dreams. These nightly occurrences spanned from the horrific, to the weird, to the prophetic. After all of those dreams he concluded bitterly that nothing could be worse, and then added quite smugly that nothing more could get a rise out of him. He was quite completely convinced that no image that conjured itself in the chasm of his mind could further disturb him.

That was, until he fell asleep at exactly 10:30 P.M one Wednesday evening while listening to the faint droning of a muggle record a rather strange Gryffindor first year was playing out in the Common Room.

A slightly nasal chorus of voices seeped in through the cracked dormitory door. "Let's do the Time Warp agaaaaain..."

Harry thought for a moment in a haze of drowsiness. What was the name of that musical...? The Rocky Horror... what?

His eyes slowly slipped closed and he fell into an almost sedated sleep.

The first sign of peculiarity (For it did not reach a shocking level, yet, not by all means) was that an image did not at once appear. It was just... darkness.

And then a voice, as if in one of those popular action films, said,

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, God said: 'Let there be lips,' and there were. And they were good."

To Harry's astonishment and immense amusement, a giant pair of juicy red, painted lips appeared dead-center in his vision.

To his further surprise, those rouged lips began to sing.

"Michael Rennie was ill

The Day the Earth Stood

Still But he told us where we stand.

And Flash Gordon was there

In silver underwear,

Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.

Then something went wrong

For Fay Wray and King Kong;

They got caught in a celluloid jam.

Then at a deadly pace It came from...

Outer Space.

And this is how the message ran.

Science fiction, double feature

Doctor Snape

will build a creature.

See androids fighting Sirius and Remus.

Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.

At the Late-night, Double Feature Picture Show."

If this could get any stranger, there were credits, as well. This was beginning to become sort of disturbing. The credits read:

Sirius Black As Sirius Majors, A hero.

Remus Lupin As Remus Weiss, A heroin.

Severus Snape as Dr. Snape N. Furter, A Scientist

Albus Dumbledore As Dr. Von-Dumbledore, A rival scientist

Draco Malfoy As Riff Raff, A Butler

Hermione Granger As Magenta, A domestic

Nymphadora Tonks As Columbia, A groupie

Luscious Malfoy As Rocky Horror, A creation

Alastor Moody As Mad Eye Moody, A Criminologist

Harry had no time to raise an eyebrow before the song resumed.

"I knew Leo G. Carrol

Was over the barrel

When Tarantula took to the hills.

And I really got hot

When I saw Jeanette Scott

Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.

Dana Andrews said

Prunes Gave him the runes

And passing them took lots of skills.

But when the worlds collide

I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills.

Science fiction, double feature

Doctor Snape will build a creature.

See androids fighting Sirius and Remus.

Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.

At the Late-night,

Double Feature Picture Show.

I wanna go.

Oh, Oh, Oh.

To the late-night, Double Feature

By RKO.

To the late-night,

double feature Picture show.

In the back row.

Oh, Oh, Oh.

To the late-night,

Double-feature Picture show."

Harry had little time to react to the song, not even the parts featuring Remus and Sirius, because those juicy red lips had faded away to reveal a flock of people rushing out of the narrow doorway of a rather small Episcopalian church. Harry noticed with a gleeful jolt of his heart that these people were very familiar to him.

He heard traditional wedding music being played, and assortments of these people were throwing rice, so it must have been a wedding. Harry soon discovered that his guess was correct.

The blushing bride and groom skipped hand in hand along with the rest of the crowd, beaming happily as they posed for a photographer perched before the congregation, who had a largely uncanny resemblance to a much older Colin Creevey.

"Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold that and...." He snapped the picture.

Harry observed the newlywed husband and wife once more. He noted the husband with his spectacles, rumpled black hair, and his blue eyes, and the red hair and green eyes of the blushing bride. He realized with a jump of his heart that this newlywed couple was in fact his parents, Mr. and Mrs. James Potter. There was not a doubt about it. Mainly, because this was a dream and all reality was about to falter, as was shown by the juicy singing red lips Harry had first seen.

His father James rushed up to a handsome dark-haired man in a black tuxedo as the crowd of relatives disbanded to mingle amongst one another.

James punched the dark-haired man lightly on the arm. "Well, I guess we did it, huh, Sirius?"

Wait... Sirius was in this dream, too? Well, Harry thought, Sirius was in the credits...

Sirius smiled thoughtfully and patted James' shoulder. "I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Lily have been inseparable since you first met in Dr. Dumbledore's Refresher class."

Harry's father laughed delightedly. "Well, to tell you the truth, Sirius, that's the only reason I showed up in the first place."

Suddenly, Lily called everyone's attention. "Okay you guys, this is it!" a flock of screaming and cheering women and girls gathered around Lily as she held her bouquet over her head.

James chuckled. "Well, Lily's going to throw the bouquet."

Harry watched as Lily tossed the bundle of brightly colored flowers into the air and saw a hand catch it. Emerging from the crowd was a very happy and glowing Remus Lupin. "I got it! I got it!" he clutched the bouquet victoriously to his chest.

Harry saw James' smile grow winder as he looked back at Sirius. "Well, big fella, looks like it could be your turn next, eh?" he chortled, glancing pointedly at Remus, who was being mauled by many of the brides' maids, who were admiring the newly caught bouquet (or trying to murder the recipient).

Soon after James was handed a bucket of flu powder labeled "WAIT TIL TONIGHT. She got hers, now he'll get his."

As James escorted Lily back to a fireplace in the confines of the church, Sirius looked after them. "Who knows?" He stuck his hands in his pockets.

As the last few people were walking out of the church doors, Sirius found Remus and took him by the hand.

Remus laughed airily in response and fondled his bouquet lovingly. "Oh, Sirius," He said finally turning to him, "Wasn't it wonderful? Wasn't Lily radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain Lily Evans and now... now she's Mrs. James Potter."

Sirius looked down to the ground, hands now safely tucked in his pockets again. "Yes, Remus, James is one lucky guy."

"Yes. I always cry at weddings." Lupin looked cheekily at his flowers.

Sirius kicked at the dirt of the churchyard with the toe of his shoe. "Everyone knows Lily is a wonderful little cook."

"Yes."

Sirius suddenly looked up. "Hey, Remus?"

"Yes, Sirius, Darling?" Remus fondled his flowers some more.

"Hey, Rem," Sirius took on a slightly bolder tone. "I really love the... skillful way you... beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."

"Oh, Sirius!" Remus let his hands drop and looked up at Sirius fondly.

Suddenly, music started. Sirius twirled around and ran to the sidewalk leading to the threshold of the church, Lupin following wistfully behind.

"The river was deep, but then I swam it!" A few church tenants still standing at the door said in very flat voices, "Remus."

Once again, Sirius sang. "The future is ours, so lets plan it! ('Remus.')"

"So please don't tell me to can it. ('Remus.')

I've one thing to say and that's, dammit, Remus, I love you."

Lupin looked flushed. And Sirius continued to sing.

"The road was long, but then I ran it ('Remus.').

There's a fire in my heart and you fan it ('Remus.').

If there's one fool for you than I am it ('Remus.')

I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Remus, I love you!"

Sirius had grabbed a very flattered Remus and ran to the church doors with him. He then grabbed Lupin by the hand and knelt before him on bended knee. He pulled a ring from an inside pocket in his jacket. He slid it on Remus' finger.

"Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker.

There are three ways love can grow

That's good, bad, or mediocre.

Oh, R-E-M-U-S, I love you so!"

Sirius then drew a heart with chalk taken from hammer space on the two front church doors and they burst inside, walking into the isle.

Lupin then began to sing.

"Oh, it's nicer than Lily Potter had! ('Oh, Pad')

Now we're engaged and I'm so glad ('Oh, Pad.')

That you met Mom and you know, Dad. ('Oh, pad.')

I've one thing to say and that's Pad, I'm mad, for you, too!"

To Harry's horror, the singing continued.

Lupin looked at his ring and into Sirius' eyes. "Oh, Pad."

Sirius held Remus' arm. "Oh,... dammit."

"I'm mad."

"Oh,... Remus."

Lupin laughed. "...For you."

"I love you, too."

They sang together. "There's one thing left to do— ah ooo!"

Sirius walked up to the altar with Remus in tow.

"And that's go see the man who began it ('Remus.')

When we met at his science exam-it ('Remus.')

Made me give you the eye and then... panic

('Remus.') I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Remus, I love you..."

Again, they sang in perfect unison and harmony. "I... love... you..."

They kissed chastely.

One again, things moved all to quickly. So quickly, and Harry might've expected it, that Harry had absolutely no time to ponder why Remus and Sirius were in love and why they were singing. But the thought was soon ripped away as the whole scene was shifted to another, one completely different from the latter.

Mad Eye Moody sat in a large leather chair before a blank screen with the images of the pictures from the wedding projected on to it. He crisply flipped a switch and the small room around him flooded with light as he turned around to look the viewer (In this case it would be Harry) in the eye.

He folded his arms promptly behind his back and said. "I would like, if I may, to take you on a... strange journey." No kidding, Harry thought bitterly.

Mad Eye chose a large, black leather bound book from a tall shelf and opened it. He placed it gingerly upon a podium and began to flip the yellowing pages pointedly as he talked.
"It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Sirius Majors and Remus Weiss, two young, healthy, normal kids, left Denton that late November evening to visit a Doctor Albus Scott, ex-tutor and now friend to both. It's true, there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true, also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out, well... they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? On a night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time."

Harry was beginning to get used to the concept of not being able to think when one scene was ripped away and replaced by another.


MAH! Don't you just LOVE cliffhangers? Tune in next week for the next exciting installment of The Rocky Harry Picture Show!

Teaser: The summary of this next bit will contain five important elements:

1) Soggy Newspapers

2) Ballroom dances with slightly suggestive pelvic movements

3) Cross-dressing Potions Masters (Just what I hoped for!)

4) Retarded raccoons

5) And, of course, lots and lots of recreational stripping.

See you next time, folks!