Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. But I own the plot, etc. Okay ya'll know that, so lemme say what I came here to say.
Author's note: Honestly this is a total crackfic, humor all the way but WILL CONTAIN SLASH in the LAST CHAPTERS. Sirius is my favorite character and Snape is my second favorite. I once said to myself now what's the most hilarious thing I can make him do...and I got this. No offence meant to any of the characters that I may mess with or make OOC because it's all for the sake of ridiculousness. So don't take this all seriously and get outraged if you can mahage that. Also, yes some characters WILL end up strange, crazy or downright fruity at times, but it can't be helped. Please review and I should have Chapter 2 written soon. Enjoy :]
This takes place pre OOTP but may contain spoilers for later works. Be warned!
Rated M for alcohol usage, language, references of a sexual nature, and slash in later chapters.
Sirius's hands were sweating, gripping the podium nervously, waiting for the Ministry's jury to finish discussing their verdict. He stole a glance at Harry, who grinned looking as nervous as Sirius was, but still flashed him a quick thumbs-up. Sirius smiled weakly and tried to swallow the lump out of his throat. He felt out of place in his new suit, so accustomed to being on the run and just wearing whatever he could salvage. But he was at the mercy of the Ministry of Magic now.
The murmuring from the jury subsided, and Cornelius Fudge acting as judge cleared his throat and spoke.
"Sirius Black, we have listened to your testimony, reviewed the Pensieve memories submitted by you and Mr. Potter and we have reached a decision. You realize Sirius, that we may never catch Pettigrew, if the Dark Lord really has risen again. We at the Ministry also realize that Harry needs a man who can be his father," Fudge said throwing a glance in Harry's direction. "And you are that man, Sirius."
Sirius felt a flutter of hope in his chest and Fudge continued. "So here is our proposition. We will set you free and clear your name. And you will be able to fulfill all of your duties as godfather. But there is one condition."
Sirius, who was utterly relieved and far beyond any word that describes happy replied. "And that is?"
"You must be bound in holy matrimony to one of our choosing. In this case, Severus Snape." Fudge said, straight-faced.
Sirius's jaw dropped and he just stood there for a moment, his mouth agape. "You'll catch flies that way Mr. Black." Fudge pointed out.
"WHAT!?" Sirius finally managed, his voice echoing throughout the room. "Why HIM?!"
Fudge leaned forward in his chair and spoke. "Severus Snape has more than proven countless times to be an upstanding citizen of the wizarding community as well as a beneficial addition to the Light as a spy for the Order. It is our hope that he will be able to keep you in check. And frankly Mr. Black, because we just like to screw with you." He paused. "And I think you know the alternative to refusing this condition," he continued gravely.
'Azkaban' Sirius thought sub-consciously shuddering. "Can I have a minute to talk this over with Harry?" Sirius requested quietly.
The moment they stepped into the hallway, Harry threw his arms around his godfather. "Gods Sirius, this is awful, I'm going to miss you so much" Sirius, taken aback, stiffened.
"What do you mean? How do you know I won't agree to do it?"
Harry frowned. "Because I believe that nothing on this Earth would be worth marrying Snape," Harry said truthfully.
"You're worth it Harry. If it means having you live with me, if it means having you as," Sirius's voice cracked "As my son." he finished, "Then it is worth it."
Harry, his eyes wide in shock, could only stare. "Let me get this straight," he said uncertainly, "You would marry Severus Snape, your worst enemy since you were a kid, the biggest slimiest git in the world who doesn't even know the purpose of shampoo, and who also happens to be of the same sex as you, just so I could live with you...You'd do that for me?"
"Yes," Sirius said softly.
Harry's eyes blurred a bit and he stepped forward and hugged his godfather for the second time. "I love you," he whispered as they hugged. Sirius closed his eyes, and pressed himself closer to Harry. "I love you too." he said soothingly, reminding himself why he was doing this.
"Alright," Sirius said, once again back in the courtroom. "I'll do it."
"What was that?" Fudge asked, grinning. Sirius gritted his teeth, and resisted the urge to punch Fudge right in his big fat smart-aleky face. "I said I'll marry Severus."
Fudge smirked. "Excellent. All the preparations will be made. Harry may go home with you now, and an owl will be sent to Mr. Snape...or should I say the soon-to-be Mr. Black, eh?"
Sirius narrowed his eyes, shooting daggers at Fudge and draped his arm behind Harry's back, guiding him. "This way, Harry," while mumbling under his breath 'If only I really were an escaped murderer...' glancing back at Fudge's self-satisfied smile.