Disclaimer of Disclaimer:
I do not own this disclaimer. Shakespeare dose. If he wants to sue me he'll have to wait until I'm dead.
"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear
And this weak and idle theme
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."
(From the end of "A Midsummer Night's Dream")
Due to last year's lice infestation fiasco the sorting hat was not to actually be placed directly on anyone's head this year. Instead he was placed beside the children one by one while he administered a personality quiz from "Hot Witch Monthly".
"Let's see now." The hat said, "You are walking down the street and discover a puppy that appears to be lost. Do you:
A. Keep it because dogs are loyal?
B. Put it in a tree so you can rescue it?
C. Use it as a lab subject to further the cause of science?
or D. Kick it?"
"Humm." The girl in the chair put a finger to her lip and pondered the question. "Well that all depends doesn't it? Would using it as an experiment make me a rich scientist?"
"No. Strictly for the pursuit of knowledge." The Ravenclaw table nodded in agreement.
"Kick it. Final answer."
"SLYTHERIN!" The Slytherin table applauded.
Harry was reminded of his sorting. God that was a sorted affair. I mean not sorted of course... Never mind. The point is he was depressed.
"Why is he depressed?" Ron asked the narrator. I was just coming to that. He was depressed because...
"Because the hat said I should be Slytherin." Harry finished.
"You shouldn't worry yourself about that, Harry." Said Hermione.
"But, Hermione, If I hadn't refused the hat that day I'd be sitting with them right now." He jerked his head toward the Slytherins.
"And now that we are all seated. I have a few announcements." Said Dumbledore. "First of all the Forbidden Forest is strictly off limits to anyone who does not wish to get their end trails ripped out and nailed to a door post like a festive holiday garland. For those who do please see Professor Snape after dinner. Also do not go anywhere near the Chamber of Secrets. Oooo and stay clear of the room with Fluffy. Oh yes and the whomping will... You know what? Just go home. It's safer. Just go!" He began to wave his arms around. When no one left he sighed and went on, "Secondly..."
"Uh oh." Ron said.
"Here it comes." Harry muttered.
"I would like to welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor." There was a collective groan.
Neville raised a shaky hand.
"Yes Mr. Longbottom? You have a question?"
"Is he evil?"
"Oh my Heavens. No. He is and old friend of mine as well as a highly respected colleague and I trust him implicitly." Putting a hand to his chest he added, "I dare say with my very soul."
Every one heaved a sigh of relief.
"Now please welcome Prof. Darth Vader."
The lights went out as a blast of loud music queued up. Dum dum da dum da da dum dum da dum. The Hufflepuffs actually screamed in unison. A spot light flew randomly around the crowed hall until it finally landed on the doors. They flew open releasing a heavy fog not unlike the kind used in wrestling matches. Vader emerged and the music followed in his wake, along with a few puddles released from the first years, right up until he took his seat. The lights came back up.
Dumbledore slapped him heartily on the shoulder. "Darth, you old carpetbagger, you old fart, I haven't seen you in a... well it must have been a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. How the hell ave 'ya been?!"
"kuuuuuhhhhhh puuuuhhhh" (breathing)
"Oh my you sound winded. Well you must be tired after your long trip. I'll just let you sit there and rest." Then he turned back to the students. "And last but not least the author of this fiction wishes to shamelessly use this time to fly in the face of 'separation of church and state' by introducing your impressionable young minds to a new cult."
There were gasps in the crowd. This was unheard of. Mary-Sues were dealt with very strictly these days. They were made to sit in the corner and keep it shut until the year was over. Everyone seemed happy with this little 'arrangement'. Why change it now?
"I have permited her to do so under the condition that she keep a low profile through out the story." Dumbledore answered their unspoken pleas to not let this happen.
Philosopher, a short, dark, and chubby woman in her mid-twenties, stood and crossed over to a podium that wasn't there a moment ago. "Thank you, Albus. But for future reference I prefer to call it an 'unrecognized sect'."
Vader was staring... nay glaring at poor Professor Flitwick.
"And now," She said. "A select passage from 'Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix'. Chapter 1." She placed a book on the podium, opened it to a marked page and thrust her right arm in the air like a preacher. With her left hand she pointed to each word as she read:
"And lo a cry was taken up throughout the fandom,
'Send unto us a cool witch in our own age demographic!'
At this JKR was greatly moved with pity..."
"Wait a minute!" Hermione shot her hand up but didn't wait to be called on, after all this wasn't even a real teacher. "That's not from Order of the Phoenix. I should know. I've read it more times than "Hogwarts: A History".
"Er hem. Yes well." Philosopher cleared her throat. "It has been translated in over 60 languages. Some prefer The King James version or in the ancient Rowling tongue but I'm reading from Today's Modern Phoenix. Where was I?
'...And behold a voice came down from The Publisher saying,
'Let there be Tonks!'
And there was Tonks.
And this was good."
"Oi." Ron said leaning over to Harry. "Is that supposed to be a Mary-Sue." The trio looked over to the Mary-Sues in the corner, something they rarely did. There was an the urban legend that if you looked directly at them you would go blind from their dazzling beauty. Then they looked back at the woman speaking. She had messy short hair that was straight save for two curls that wouldn't go down.
"Hum." Hermione studied the woman. "The hair's not right and she's wearing thick glasses but I'm sure those are dark circles under them from too many nights at the computer sucking down dr. peppers and reading fan fiction. Plus I'm still here, still not evil, and she's not my new best friend so..."
"It can go either way." Harry concluded.
Flitwick looked ready to jump out of his chair because Vader was still staring. "WHAT?!" He finally asked. "You got something against pointy eared short guys that can levitate things?"
"Yes. Yes I do."