If any one has seen the plot to this story I ask you to please return it to it's rightful home. It's a small mixed breed hairless. I just left the chapter open and when I got back it was gone. So if you will just leave a post on the review board I would appreciate it. And there's a frightened plot out there somewhere that would as well. Please help reunite Snuffles with his loving, if not neglectful, owner.

Have you seen me?    (:-o{

The Gryphandor, pardon me, Gryffindor common room had been cleared of it's usual decor and was presently furnished only with a single table and chairs. Filch was wearing a set of headphones and operating a large studio camera which was trained on Hagrid at the moment. "We're on in five, four, three, two..." He said.

"Hello and welcome to the wizzarding world's latest and greatest reality series, 'Magic Idol'." The tall man said. "I'm your host, Rubeus Hagrid. Tonight we hold open auditions for the funniest cross-over characters in film, television, and literature. The winner, as you know, will be signed to a contract to appear in an up coming episode of 'Nothing Sacred'. But first each contestant will have to survive being subjected to unforgiving scrutiny from our panel of judges." Filch turned the camera on the table where sat two women and one man in the middle. "So get ready to see a few raw talents, rotten tomato's, and more surprises than you can shake a wand at.

"But first let's get acquainted with our guest judges and thank them for coming today." The woman on the left had brown eyes and hair, pale skin with light freckles, and wore a lot of purple. She was waving sprightly to the camera and had a big smile on her face like this :-D "Please welcome Seraphina Pyra..."

"...The Omakeer..." The man had messy brown hair that made him look like a little like Harry only with psychotic hazel eyes. He paid no mind to the camera and chose instead to lean back with his arms crossed and his leg thumping impatiently.

"...And last but not least CaptainCrash." The final judge on the right had her hair dyed bright red and wore a pale blue flamingo shirt. Her eyes refused to pick a color and stick with it. They were vacillating like a psychedelic screen saver.

A rattling of armor could be heard coming down the steps of the girls dorm. "Our first contestant hails from the village of Domrémy. Let's see if she can make this trio laugh." A woman emerged in shining armor that had the number 138 taped to the breast plate.

"You say that you are my judge," The woman began in a thick French accent, "I don't know if you are [or not]; but take care not to judge wrongly, lest you place yourself in great danger; and [I] notify you of this, so that if our Lord punishes you for it, I will have done my duty in telling you."

"That was dreadful." said The Omakeer. "I don't know who ever told you that you were funny."

"Zat iz a bit 'arsh, no?"

"Well that's the way we do things on this show."

"Not you, Monsieur. I was speaking to the voice in my 'ead. What's that? Fire and brimstone?" She eyed The Omakeer. "Per'aps."

"Watch the skies, Big O." Said Hagrid. "Up next is a real funny bones who's come all the way down from his 'penthouse with a view' to tickle our ribs." An old man with the number 245 on his white robes came from the boy's dorm. He had a staff and long white hair.

"The eye is moving." He said solemnly. Suddenly a little white ball rolled across the floor with Mrs. Norris chasing after.

"Yep. There it goes." Said Hagrid.

"A modest performance." Said CappyCrash "You've got potential but really I'd like to see you do more in terms of... hey wait a minute. Did you just call me 'Cappy'?"

"It's a nickname." Said the narrator.

"Well duh. CaptainCrash is a nickname already. I mean do you think my parents put that on a birth certificate?"

"It's possible if they were hippies."

CappyCrash passed her hand in front of her. "You will not call me 'Cappy'"

"I will not call you 'Cappy'." The narrator's face had become blank. (more so than usual)

"Hey cool!" Said Pyra. "How'd you do that?"

"Jedi mind trick." Answered El Capitán de Desplome.

The Omakeer suddenly became excited. "Righteous! Let me try!" He passed his hand in the same manner as CaptainCrash. "You will write a lemon orgy."

"I will write a lemon orgy."

"Aye! No fair! I want a turn too." Seraphina tried to wave her hand but The Omakeer blocked the move.

"Wait your turn. I'm not done yet."

"People, please." Hagrid tried to placate them. "We have a show to do."

Seraphina was still trying to shout over The Omakeer. "You will put more smiles in your text! You will have Harry dump Tonks and fall for me in the end!" Everyone gave her a look. "What? We've got a lot in common. He lived. I've lived."

"That's debatable." Crash quipped.

"I think I'll go home and rethink my life." Said the narrator, still entranced.

"No one told you to do that."

"Still a good idea."

"Way to go, Crash. With the narrator gone, how are the readers going to know who's talking?"

"Well, Omakeer, I guess we'll just have to address each other by name each time we talk."

"Well er.. this is Hagrid speaking again. And now ladies and gentlemen a comedy tag team that has been putting the 'super' in supernatural since the early nineties."

"Thank you, Hag. Whew, boy. Does it feel good to play a Hogwarts crowd again. I tell you, Scully and I just flew in from the muggle world and boy is our car tired."

"Oh Mulder, you're terrible. But seriously folks we did just fly in from the muggle world and boy have I got a broom wedgie. OWCH!!" Ba dum pishhh.

"Say, Dana, what do you get when you send your garden gnome to the big city?"

"I don't know. What?"

"A metronome. Get it, metro-gnome? Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience. Fly safely and don't forget to tip your house elf."

"Let's see what our judges have to say about that performance. The Omakeer?"

"You twisted freak! What are you on?"

"Up next, an adventurous fella who... whoa! Now wait just a moment, sir, there are no bullwhips allowed in here." Whip-ah! "Ow! #$%! Watch were ya smack that thing you ing ...

...I shouldn'a said that."

"Name? Oh sorry this is Pyra speaking. Just so you know. Name?"

"Jones. Friends just call me Indiana."

" ;-) Go on."

"Snape. Why'd it have to be Snape?"

" :-) "

"That's it. That- That's my joke. Am I in?"


"What? But you're smiling."

"Your dog is pathetic."

"Oh. I see well I suppose a little constructive criticism is..."

"You are I-Went-To-The-Prom-With-My-Cousin pathetic."

"Aaaah hum. Well I will certainly consider that and work on it in the future."

"Yo mamma so pathetic, trekkies don't even answer her e-mails."

"Everyone's entitled to their opinion."

"You're so pathetic, you stay up all night writing Harry Potter stories and get sweaty palms when you hear the review alert."

"HEY! Now that's just going too far!"

" :-) Where's my pumpkin juice? Hey look, guys. They charmed a refreshment cart to roll in on it's own."

"I can see that, Pyra. Says me, The Omakeer. You never realize how useful a narrator is."

"Aw. They put fine linens and silver lidded platters and everything. How nice."

"Wait a minute. sniff sniff. Could it be? Is that... lemon I smell?"

"Yeah now that you mention it I do smell something."

"It's here! It's here!"

"Calm down, Omakeer. You're creeping me out with the rubbing your hands and drooling bit."

"Don't spoil this for me, Cappy. I finally got my lemon... meringue?! This isn't what I ordered! I wanted an orgy. I specifically said 'orgy'!"

"Don't those take a long time to make?"

"Yeah I think you're right, Cappy. You should have ordered a few days in advance, Omakeer."

"But it's been weeks!"

"Dobby apologizes to Master O. He mustn't be angry with Philosopher."

"Oh, Dobby. You were pushing the cart. Didn't see you there. What are you doing? What's that you've got there? Look out, Omakeer! He's got a bat!"

"Where does Master O want it?"


"Um, Cappy? Omakeer? Where's that wind coming from? It's getting really strong. Oh wow! Hey what's going on? Somebody better start narrating this! The readers are missing out on quite a spectacle!"

"Right! This is Rubeus Hagrid reporting to you live from the Griffindor common room where something amazing has just started happening right this moment. It would appear... yes it would seem that a freak gale force wind has blown in here and is now carrying off all the remaining contestants. Watch out there Mr. Sterling! Hang on to that window seal good and tight!"

"Little do I know, I'm about to be blown into... The Twilight Zone."

"There goes Salem and Sabrina. Folks this is getting out of hand. If you have a shelter we advise you to go there now! Wait a minute now. I can just make out something outside the window. I believe it's yes it's a witch on a broom."

"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too."

"Oh hello, Professor? Nice night for it. The only ones left are yep that's it for the entire casts of Star Trek and Babylon 5. Pity. Hang on. The winds going down. Judges, you alright there?"



" :-) "

"There appears to be a new development in this late breaking story, readers. A pretty young thing is just arriving on the east wind. Hallo, Miss. And you are?"

"Mary Poppins; practically perfect in everyway."

"Uh huh." ... "Listen ummm Mary Sue Poppins."

"Just 'Mary Poppins'. If you please."

"Right. I'm CaptainCrash. This here is Seraphina Pyra and The Omakeer. The thing is see, we've already filled our quota for Mary-Sue jokes."

"Poppy cock. I've told you, I'm Mary Poppins; practically..."

"Practically perfect yadda yadda yadda. We've all seen the movie."

"Now. Now. There's no need to be supercalafragilistic. Here I'll show you. Oh where did I put that thing? Heavens. I know I put in somewhere in my magic carpet bag. What's this? A floor lamp. A coat rack. A fully loaded nine millimeter. Strictly for hunting of course. Goodness. Where did I put that thing? Hum. Why did I put basil leaf in a little plastic bag? Woops. You didn't see that. It was planted. I swear."

"Hey. I have a bag like that. Hand me that bag Omakeer. No no. The one with Audrey Hepburn on it. That's it. Give it here. Now we just open it up and..."

"Let us out! She just grabbed Ron and Harry and I and just stuffed us in here! It's cramped and I can't breath!"

"Hey some people steal the ash trays. Don't look at me like that. I made air holes. And if you three don't stop making such a fuss I won't drop in those dinner rolls I promised."

"Ah. Here it is. My old tape measure. Now just hold that end down at my feet please, Miss Crash was it? See there? 'Practically Perfect'. And how do you measure up? Hum. 'Good Writer Hasn't Updated' "


"What about you? Yes you, sir, with the messy brown hair. Let's see. Oh my. Oh my! Oh heavens! That's scandalous!"

"Oo. Oo. Do me."

"Secretly Listens To Barry Manalow."

"EEP! I-I I don't know what you're talking about. I never... I don't like you. Go away."

"What about you, sir, with the beard?"

"Pardon me, Miss, but I don't think your little measure is quite... long enough."

"Hello. Remember me? Cappy? Doh! Now I'm saying it."

"Don't fuss, dear. What is it?"

"I can talk to the author. We might be able to squeeze in one more Mary-Sue bit but I make no promises."

"LISTEN! I've told you, I'm no friggin' Mary-Sue! I've been sweeping chimneys to make ends meet! I NEED THIS PART! So either you arrange for that to happen or I'm going open this umbrella where the medicine DON'T go down!"

(A/N: Snuffles is that you?! Woops. Sorry, Lupin.

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