DMC studios PRESENTS:
FULLY RANDOMIZED, UNCUT, CROSS-DRESSED, TORTURED AND RAMPAGED
Beauty and the Beast
with all songs and some deleted scenes too cruel or sexy for children to read
converted from the original movie by Disney
Sponsored by: Coffee and Coke and everything with caffeine in it.
Disclaimer: Disc-lamer? What the hell is that!? Don't tell me you're trying to make me listen to Brittany Spears!
Strongly recommended to watch the movie or listen to all the songs before reading this.
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the SSBM version of Beauty and the Beast. I'm the author, DMC. Before we start, please pay attention to this security warning. If you have a seatbelt in your computer chair, please fasten it now. I'm too lazy to explain how it's done so you're on your own. If you feel that there's not enough oxygen, please feel free to open a window. Keep your hand on the mouse at all times, even when the 'fasten your seatbelts' sign is off. Observe your nearest emergency exit in case of diarrhoea or nausea.
Thank you for choosing this story, I hope you enjoy.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land,
A young Prince lived in a shining castle. (For sale)
Although he had everything his heart desired,
The Prince was spoiled, selfish, and liked to play videogames.
"I AM NOT!" Protested the Prince, holding a controller.
But then, one winter's night,
An old beggar woman came to the castle
And offered him a single beer
In return for letting her play Counter Strike.
Repulsed by her haggard appearance,
The Prince sneered at the gift, I mean, it wasn't even real beer, it was that weird German stuff with no alcohol in it,
And turned the old woman away, calling her ugly.
Then Jerry Sprringer spoke at the Prince: "Is it true that you called her ugly?"
"No! I deny everything!" Answered the Prince.
"Why would you deny everything?" Jerry Sprringer rubbed his forehead and pointed at him.
"Because Government denies knowledge and I AM the Government!"
But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances,
For Beauty is found within.
And when he dismissed her again,
The old woman's ugliness melted away
To reveal a beautiful Enchantress who looked a lot like Claudia Schiffers.
The Prince tried to apologize, but it was too late,
For she had seen that there was no love for beer in his heart.
"I promise, give me one more chance! I'll stop drinking!" Begged the prince, but his words were like air to the Enchantress.
And as punishment,
She transformed him into a hideous beast,
"NOOOOOOOO" Screamed the Prince.
"YEEEEEEEES" answered the Enchantress. "Don't interfere with the story."
And placed a powerful spell on the castle,
And all who lived there.
Ashamed of his monstrous form,
The beast concealed himself inside his castle,
With a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. (Talk about social life.)
The beer she had offered,
Was truly an enchanted rose,
Which would bloom for many years.
If he could learn to love another,
And earn her love in return (tough luck, man.)
By the time the last petal fell,
Then the spell would be broken.
If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast
For all time.
As the years passed,
He fell into despair, and lost all hope,
For who could ever learn to love...a Beast? A horrible, horrible beast! Who reads Marvel comics.
DUN DUN DUN!!
It was a beautiful morning in a quiet little village somewhere in France. The sun shone from the sky and the clouds were there… you know… just chillin'… and the sun, it was there like 'Wazzup, man?' and the grass, man! The grass, like, swayed in the wind and we were all like WOOOW. Man, that is so awesome.
Belle got out of the house, batting his eyes. She was wearing a sweet blue dress and carried a basket. She was so beautiful, her steps were so light.
"Can't I even keep my own name? I already approved of these braids and this frickin' dress!" She said.
"No, Roy", said the storyteller. "Because all this was written in the stars."
Belle mumbled something under her breath.
She got on the bridge and began singing:
"MUTTER!! MUTTER!! LINKS 2!! LINKS 2!! LINKS 2 3 4!!"
The storyteller sent a piano falling on her. "I said sing something sweet! Get the script!"
Belle kicked a stone on her way and mumbled something. "Little town… It's a quiet village,
Like the one before… PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK!"
"SING", said the storyteller.
Belle kicked a stone on her way and mumbled something again. Déjá vu, anyone?
Full of little people,
waking up to say…"
"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FREAK! It's five o'clock! Some of us want to sleep you know!?" A woman opened a window and shouted at her.
"But, I…" Protested the lovely Belle.
"No buts! Go home! Go home and grow up and for god's sakes my boy, don't wear women's clothes anymore!"
" She's supposed to sing, people. And you wake up and say Bonjour, Bonjour! Again!" The storyteller spoke.
Full of little people,
waking up to say…"
"Bonjour." A woman opened a window, looking pretty sour.
"Bonjour Bonjour Bonjour!"
Belle smiled at them her beautiful smile. "There goes the baker with his tray,
The same old illegal guns to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the morning that he came
No one needs guns in this town…"
"Good Morning, Belle!" Marth greeted his friend.
"'Morning, Monsieur." Belle sailed by.
"Where are you off to?"
"The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story about a beanstalk and an ogre and a—What the heck? I read books? This girl reads books? Woohoo, what a weirdo. How do you read these small things… They repeat themselves! Look! B-E-A-N-S-T-A--"
"Belle was quiet when the story went on." The storyteller said.
Marth grinned. "That's nice. Peach! Hide the drugs! Hurry up!"
"Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question" sang the townsfolk.
"Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?
Never part of any crowd
'Cause her head's up on some cloud
No denying she's a funny girl that Belle."
"This story isn't realistic." Protested the beautiful Belle. "And stop calling me beautiful Belle!"
"What part of it isn't realistic?" Asked the almighty storyteller.
"You don't just hang out with your friends and music starts and everyone starts doing these stunts and singing and--"
"Continue." Spoke the storyteller.
"Bonjour!" Greeted the French Jigglypuff. She always did look a little Frenchish to me. Frenchish.
"Good day!" Zelda answered brightly.
"Jiggle wants a cookie! I mean, How is your family?"
"How is your wife?"
"I have a wife?"
"I need an automatic rifle!"
"That's too expensive!"
"There must be more than this provincial life without MacDonalds!" Sang Belle.
Some old geek was waiting for him… her to enter the bookshop. "Ah, Roy."
"Good Morning. I've come to return the… the…" S/he lowered her voice to a whisper. "The book I borrowed."
"No, I have no idea how to read these things and this book sounds really boring you kn--"
"I haven't got anything new since yesterday!" The old geezer glared at him badly. Belle ignored him.
"Thank god, I'm going to go get a beer."
"This book? But you've read it twice!" The old man hit her in the head with the book and gave it to her.
"What the--?" Roy… Belle held the book in her hands. "Oh, yeah, this is the one with all those boring things: far-off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in a disguise, everyday stuff."
"If you like it all that much, it's yours!"
"I don't want it!"
"What's wrong with you, old geek?" She left, jumping like a happy little pony.
The townsfolk noticed her coming out of the bookshop and started singing: "Look there goes that girl is so peculiar…"
"I heard that!" Yelled Belle. "And besides, if you're going to insult me, use proper English, you freaks!"
"I wonder if she's feelings well?" They sung.
"I can still hear you! I'll tell my father!" Threatened Belle.
"With a dreamy far-off look
And her nose stuck in a book.
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle!"
Roy stopped and sat down near a fountain. "Oh, isn't this amazing?
It's my favourite part, because you'll see…
Here's where she killed prince charming
But she won't get a sniper 'til chapter three."One of the sheep grabbed a page and tore a small piece of it. Roy thrusted the whole book to its mouth: "EAT IT! EAT IT!!"
Peach watched the silly boy in women's clothes sitting at the fountain. "Now, it's no wonder that 'Roi' means King. It's French, but I don't think it has anything to do with his name. Her looks have got no parallel!"
"But behind that fair façade, I know he's rather odd."
"Very different from the rest of us"
"She doesn't dress like the rest of us!"
"Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle!"
Ness and Captain Falcon had just shot a bird and we're now checkin' it out, had they got a nice groovy marinated chick or accidentally hit a cock.
"Wow, You didn't miss a shot, Captain Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the world!" Ness jumped around the bigger man like a dork, you know, those little geeks you see at school everyday circling those 'cool guys' and stuff.
"I know." Said the dorky guy, whatever his name is.
"Gaston." Captain Falcon corrected the storyteller but didn't know that the storyteller doesn't need to be corrected, if she wants to be corrected, she beats it out of you.
"No chick alive could stand you!" Ness laughed nervously.
Gaston slapped him and held his hand as if it hurt. "Ow."
"And no girl, for that matter." The boy continued.
"Not true. I've got my sights set on that one."
"Hm! That weird guy who wears girl's clothes?" Ness frowned.
"She's the one. The lucky girl I'm going to marry."
"The most beautiful girl in town!" Captain Gaston declared victoriously.
"That makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?" Captain Falcon continued.
"Well, sure, but you don't want a cross--"
"Right from the moment I meeeet her, saw heeeeeeeer
I saaaaid she's gorgeous and I feeeeell
here in town there's only sheeeeee
Who is as beaaaaautifuuuul as MEEEEEEEEEE…. EEEE….eeee… I need a little help, Le Feu."
Ness took a piano and pressed a key.
"Memememeeeeeeeee. Perfect." Gaston continued. "So I'm making plans to woo and marry Beeeeeeeelle!"
"This isn't an opera", said the beautiful and groovy Belle as she passed Captain Gaston.
"Look there he goes
Isn't he dreamy?" The bimbettes looked after Roy. "Monsieur Gaston,
Oh he's so cute!
Be still my heart,
I'm hardly breathing,
He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute!"
"Pardon", said Gaston, trying to get to his love of life.
"You call this automatic!?"
"That girl has lovely…. oranges!"
"Some cheese for mice!"
"Excuse me!" Captain was starting to lose his temper.
"I'll get the knife!"
"Please let me through! Or I'll cry!!" Gaston threatened, but no one listened.
"--they're still alive!"
"There must be more than this provincial life!" Sung Belle.
"Just watch, I'm going to make Belle my wiiiiiiiife!" Sang Gastooooon, but before that I'll sing an AAAAARIAAAAA!!!
"Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special." said one of the townsfolk.
"A most peculiar mademoiselle!" said another one of the townsfolk.
"It's a pity and a sin." Said Zorg from Planet 3426393462½
"She doesn't quite fit in." Declared Johnny Deppppppp. I know what his frickin' name is, I just don't know when to stop!
"'Cause she really is a funny girl."
"The next Conan O'Brien!" Sang Roy… erm… Belle.
"A beauty but a funny girl."
"She really is a funny girl that Belle!"
Belle gazed behind him after studying those pretty letters for a while and everything seemed to be normal. But he knew… he knew they had sung. He could see it in their eyes… in their dark and gloomy eyes, those small eyes that yearned for… for… ice cream, probably. He went home, where his father was waiting for him, making a weird soup that smelled like chicken. Everything strange tastes like chicken.
"Hello, my sweetie." Answered her father, Aquavitix.
"Hey, old geezer, do you think I'm weird, wearing these women's clothes?" Asked Belle.
"My daughter odd? Where did you get an idea like that?" Asked Aquavitix.
"I don't know. It's just that, well, people talk."
"They talk about me, too." The wizard got excited enough to sing. "No, we're not odd, its true
No family ever saner
Except uncle Quixote who...well, maybe let that pass…
In all you say or do
You couldn't make it plainer
You are your mother's daughter; therefore you are class!!
"Papa, remember your blood pressure! So I should just accept
I'm simply not like them!" She stuck her tongue out to the people of town.
"They are the common herd
And you should take my word
You are unique: Boy dressing as a girl
No matter what you do
I'm on your side
And if my point of view
Is somewhat misty-eyed
There's nothing clearer in my life
Than what I wish and feel for you
And that's a lot...
I like clichés…"
"No matter what they say
You make me proud
I love the funny way
You stand out from the crowd! Why do I have to lie!?" Sang Belle.
"It's my intention my invention
Shows the world out there one day
Just what we've got..." Aquavitix danced tango. Do the tango… Do the tango…
"No matter what…" Interfered Roy with his high-pitched voice.
"Now some may say all fathers just exaggerate--" Continued Aquavitix, ignoring his freaky son.
"And so do I."
"That every daughter's great? Pfffft!"
"You are!" Aquavitix pointed at his son's flat chest.
"I know! And every daughter tends to say her father's tops!" Belle did the chicken dance. "And don't you comment me about my dress!"
"She pulls out all the stops
To praise him" Her father got really out of hand at this point. The storyteller was wondering should she waste another piano on these freaks.
"And quite rightly!" Belle lied.
"No matter what the pain
We've come this far
I pray that you remain
Exactly as you are, weirdo!
This really is a case of father knowing best!" Aquavitix sang like James Brown.
"And daughter too!" Added Roy.
"You're always strange"
"Don't ever change" She sang. "Oh come on, what a freaky song!"
"You've all I've got
No matter whaaaaaaat!!" They sung together. Awww, that is so sweet.
"I'm going to a science fair tonight, darling, to show them this potion that makes you invincible! Want to come with me, Belle?"
"Nah, sounds boring. I bet you won't let me hurt anyone anyway." Roy/Belle answered.
"You know how I feel about hurting people, Belle." Aquavitix laughed.
"By the way, wasn't Aquavitix in--" Belle began.
"No", answered the almighty storyteller.
"Let me finish." Said Belle beautifully. "Wasn't Aquavitix in Batman? The Butler?"
"Sure, sweetie." Answered her father.
Okay hang on a second, readers, I have to check out this interesting pop-up window… Okay, so… Let's continue.
The Butlerman left his daughter behind to the town where they didn't even have a MacDonalds. He travelled alone with his faithful horse, Yoshi, to the darkness of the woods and then it started to get darker. And the crickets started to chirp. And it got darker. And an owl hollered somewhere deep in the forest. And it got darker.
"Can someone sing Halloween's theme now?" Robelle asked.
The storyteller dismissed her idea with a piano from the sky.
He went deeper to the forest and came to an intersection. There were two signs pointing to two directions. (Isn't that amazing?) Aquavitix read the first sign 'Pet Sematary' and looked at the road, it was dark and gloomy, all the trees were like zombies reaching their hands to the ground. The other sign read: 'Happy fairytale-land' and the road was covered with flower petals and sun shone and the clouds had happy faces and he could almost hear the children laughing.
After a while of thinking he wanted to be the hero of this story and chose the road with the 'Pet Sematary' sign on it. Yoshi refused to go there and tried to go to Happy Fairytale-land, but Aquavitix's will was iron. He told Yoshi that he would never get more Yoshi cookies if he wouldn't take him to PET SEMATARY!!
DUUUN DUNDUNDUN DUUN DUUUUN!!!
Against his will and believing his stomach, Yoshi followed his master's orders and they went deeper to the forest. It was near midnight when they realised they were lost.
"Gods have abandoned us!!" screamed Aquavitix. But then he noticed that there were wolves in the forest. "Gods have wanted to have fun with us!"
The pack of wolves attacked them and Yoshi got scared (wuss), throwing Aquavitix from his back and running away as fast as he could. Aquavitix found himself all alone against the pack and began running. He ran and ran and ran and suddenly hit a castle gate. The gate opened and he rushed in, not caring that his fake moustache had fallen in front of the gate.
Meanwhile, Gaston had gotten ready for his wedding ceremony and walked to the wizard's house.
Roy sighed. There was the man, whose ego was bigger than his body could hold and it had needed to give away his brains in order to fit it in.
"Open, O, my darling! Open, O, Juliet!"
"The name's Roy. Why must a man be so obsessed,
O, why can't I understand?
O, bird in the sky, thou understandeth not the pain that my hearteth feeleth.
O, why ameth I a star lonely in the night, why am I a daughter of a man?
O, birdie, birdie singing on the branch, telleth me why do I want adventureth so much?" Spoketh Belle, her lover,
O, this man was not, her freedom was what meant her a lot,
O, freedom, thy bird already gone, why wouldn't he leave her alone?
She opened the door to Gaston, who came in and sat down lie he would've owned the house.
"Belle…" He began sweetly. "Will you marry me?"
"No way!" Answeretheth Belle. "And stop that Shakespeare-stuff, storyteller!"
"Please, Belle! Think of what I can give you! You'll get a house, lots of children, you'll get to babysit them and me! That's all a woman needs!"
"Pssst, hey, Gaston." Belle lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Yes, my darling?"
"I'm a guy."
"That's what they all say! Marry me!" Captain Gaston jumped on his feet and tried to hug Roy, but the boy did a Matrix-dodge and kicked him on the side.
"Oooh, I like spicy women." Said Gaston and tried to kiss Belroy, who slapped him really hard a few times and tossed him out of the house.
"I'm sour!" She shouted after him.
"She loves you." Ness ran to Captain Falcon and helped him on his feet.
Meanwhile, Belle started to feel like singing. "No, please, no!" She begged. But the story was meant to be and she had no choice. "Is he gone?
Can you imagine?
He asked me to marry him!!
Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless…
I can't even be it!
I'm a guy for god's sake!
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it!
I want much more than this provincial life" She ran to the field, and fell on the grass, throwing her hair.
"L'oréal… Because I'm worth it!" Roy waggled her eyebrows. "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned!"
Just then her faithful horse ran back to her, Bonanza playing in the background. She gasped, looking after it like it had just eaten all her candies and now come back for him!
DUN DUN DUN!!! Stay tuned, I have not finished yet! Fear the worst and laugh your bottoms (PG fic) off meanwhile!
Thank you for reading, reviews would be great!