So, hmm… Where were we? Ah, yes. Arthur Dent arrived to the room full of octopuses playing chess. For no obvious reason he wasn't surprised. After all he had seen he just didn't care if they played chess or juggled. Anyone could do that.
"The storyteller has the wrong story." Young Link said, being her coffee cup. Talk about a nasty job.
For no obvious reason the storyteller wasn't surprised. After all she had seen she just didn't care if they had the right or the wrong story. Anyone could do that.
"Wrong story!" The storyteller realized, spitting out all her coffee. For no obvious reason Young Link wasn't surprised. After all he had seen he just didn't care if she drank her coffee or spit it out. Anyone could do that.
This chapter proudly calls itself
Le Grande Finale
And so everyone shall laugh and have fun
And have fun and laugh
because this truly is the final chapter
and the final chapter is this.
So in case you're wondering
This is the final chapter.
Roy had just arrived to the castle when Gaston had been readying his bow to pierce the Beast's heart with an arrow. His scream had given Bowser the strength to fight for his love. Somewhere far, far away Rafiki drew a picture of him with a Mohawk. I bet Simba was jealous.
The beast dodged the arrow much like Neo dodges the bullets in Matrix and did some really cool moves. I swear I heard his back crunch there… right there, did you hear that? No? You know what that means? Either you're deaf or in a need of a piano. Those things work miracles. Anyway, back to the story. Gaston watched Bowser in agape. Robelle ran towards the castle, screaming like a crazed teenage fangirl. While Gaston was speechless, Bowser grabbed his throat and lifted him in the air.
"Don't touch my cookies." He said.
The storyteller tried to find it in the script.
"I swear I took only one!"
"Get OUT. No one touches MY COOKIES. Especially the chocolate chip ones!"
Bowser put Gas-ton down as he heard Belle's soft voice from the balcony behind him:
"Die, both of you!" She was waving a bat in her hands, trying to reach them. Her hair was beautiful even if it was wet, her delicate features emphasized in the dress that had glued to her skin. The vein on her temple was pulsing sweetly with rage.
"Belle!" He turned towards her, starting to run to her in the rain. The storyteller was kind enough to put him in slow motion. Just when he was about to reach Robelle's hand, she screamed:
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" In slow motion.
Gaston plunged a dagger to Bowser's side, laughing maniacally as required from a villain his degree. He had graduated from the Evil University of Evilness in Eviltown and worked in an evil way in the Ministry of Evil People in the evil interrogations and evil master evil plans with the evil scientists and evil… uh… residents. Evilly. Too bad his degree didn't save him from his impending doom. The storyteller evilly threw an evil piano on him to evilly drop him into his evilly evil doom of evilness.
"That's not even funny!" Shouted Captain Gaston as he fell down. The storyteller rewarded his most welcome critic with a Coca-Cola truck. That fell down on him. Very evilly.
Belle's eyes widened as she saw him fall down, followed by the truck. "Oh my god! He's dead! And that truck was full of Coca-Cola! Goddamn corporations!"
"We are slaves to the giant global corporations, unable to live freely." Bowser put his hand on his chest.
From somewhere down below they heard: "I'm alive!"
Bowser took a stone gargoyle and threw it down. There was a quiet squeak and silence.
"Is he…?" Robelle asked, his blue eyes wide.
A can was opened in the vast gorge. "I think I can get up soon. Coke can make everything better. There's no need for panic, now."
Bowser took off another stone gargoyle and threw it down.
"My leg, AHH! OH MY GOD! MY LEG! It--! It just--! OH MY GOD!"
After a piano from the storyteller Gaston finally shut up.
Bowser climbed back to the balcony, where he collapsed into Belroy's arms. "Don't smear my dress." She said sourly.
"Vanish solves all of your problems!" Chip advertised, smiling that chipped smile of his until a piano swept him away.
"Oh, sorry. It just won't stop. You know, when you get older you start leaking like this." Bowser answered. "It's even worse when you have to wear diapers, you know my late uncle had to we--"
Belroy hit him with a bat and he went unconscious. The storyteller frowned upon that, readying a piano in case they wouldn't get on with the story.
Bowser stopped breathing (because Belroy sat on his face to be sure). After a while of persuasion Belroy started crying.
"Get on with it", Bowser wheezed. "I can't take this much longer."
"Oh damnit!" Robelle cried. "I so loved him, like, totally."
"Awesome", Bowser wheezed, showing thumbs up.
Marth appeared. "I think it's unfair that I didn't have a bigger part."
The storyteller sweeped him into a closet for showing up too early.
"A RAPE! THIS IS A RAPE!" Zelda screamed. The storyteller threw her down with Gaston to get on with it. The poor thing forgot to take Marth out in case she needed him later. And she would… oh, she would.
Robelle then lifted Bowser up and beams of laser started coming out of his hands and feet. Just when Robelle was about to be crushed by his weight the storyteller lifted him up in the air. More beams of laser started shining out of him and raining from the sky.
"Damnit, my Darth Vader-suit is never with me when I'd need it." Belroy said as he watched the fireworks and special effects.
Bowser fell down from the sky, covered with a blanket (well, we all know there's a limit to nudity in these movies). Marth hit his head when he fell down and got up to dance Yatta! No one knows where he got the leaf to cover his private parts but everyone was quite happy with that. Also, another mystery is how the storyteller managed to get him out of Zelda and to the sky. The answer to that could change your view of the world forever.
Belle, however, was delighted to see that her/his beloved wasn't a hideous monster from the sewers of New York but a fairly normal man with blue hair (but we all know the effects of radioactivity in these movies). They embraced in a very awkward way as the whole castle around them changed, everyone turned back into humans. Luigi looked no longer like a clock, he grew a funny mustache and sprouted a hat, Link turned back into an elf with one ear on fire, noticing his dear friend fluttering in from the window now so bright.
"NAVI! OH MY SWEET NAVI!" He shouted in rapture.
"That's not Navi!" Commented Young Link. "It can't even speak!"
Link gave him a quick glance before trotting away: "All the better! Naviii!"
So the spell of the old bi0tch was broken, Peach kept on dusting the floors with her dress, Young Link wiped everyone's face with his hair, Link's grandma slept, Captain Falcon in the gorge opened another can of Coca-Cola, the villagers got wasted, Samus killed a random by-stander (also known as the Storyteller) and everyone was happy.
The wedding of Marth and Robelle was a beautiful occasion. Everyone had gathered into the castle to dance and wish the couple a happy marriage. Even the storyteller was resurrected for the occasion, only to be annihilated later.
And so they lived happily ever after. Well, fine. The truth is, they were always in the tabloids. Many questioned Robelle's gender, Marth's strange habits of eating bugs, Luigi's ticking moustache and Link's grandma's cooking, but generally everyone just forgot about them and they lived alone in the castle for many years, just dancing and getting wasted. No one knew when Captain Falcon would run out of Coca-Cola, but no one really cared.
And now, my dearest readers, those who still haven't committed suicide because of the overflowing idiocy of this story, I congratulate you. And those who burned their eyes with acid to stop themselves from reading this, I will find you! I will hunt you down and make you listen to "Toxic!" So beware! Surprisingly so far the story has gained only one flame, unlEss EverYbOdy's REally sendIng me theSe suBLmInal meSsageS.
Could you wait a second? The voices in my head have something to say to me.
No, I'm not going to pull the monkey out of the president's ass!
Oh, this thing is still on? Heh, uh… who said that?
However, now that the story has arrived to its end I must thank you for bearing it and those who have reviewed, your reviews mean a lot to me! Thank you very much! If you're up for another ride of crazy Disney-bashing, jump to Pocahontas through my profile and have a jolly good time, my good fellows!
The producer would like to thank everyone for reading and reviewing this as well as make a few announcements. The trees featured in this film weren't harmed during filming. However, the cast still remains in E.R. The storyteller was put to jail shortly after finishing it, but surprisingly she escaped with the help of her personal assistants, pianos and a banjo-playing squirrel.