Mary-Sues Run Amok by Saeka

A/N: Guess who's back from the dead? Dun, dun, dun….After much thinking, I've decided to choose Tezuka as the next victim of the dreaded…American exchange student Sue! Grargh! The horror!

NB: I'm not trying to insult authors who have made the mistake of writing Mary-Sues but merely poking fun at the Sues themselves. Most authors have no idea what a Sue is, unless they are lucky enough to have found out before writing one. Please remember that, as much as Sues might be amusing for oneself, they always steal the whole purpose out of fanfiction. Actually, I suppose I'm making fun of the authors that don't put any effort into their work whatsoever as well, what with using chat-speak and using script format. Ah, well..

And now on to the story!

Mary-Sue vs Tezuka

::ding ding::

The steady hollow sound of tennis balls bouncing across the court could be heard clearly to all those within the vicinity. Kunimitsu Tezuka breathed in long, calm breaths, sweat dripping off his brow from the training, before placing the heavy tennis racquet down.

Grasping a nearby towel, the captain dabbed at his forehead tiredly. Taking a sip from his bottle, Tezuka headed for the water fountains, hoping to be able to wash his face.

Supposedly there had been problems with strange girls nick-named, "Mary-Sue" running around campus. The captain's lip turned down, almost in a scowl. Whatever those young ladies were doing, they'd best not disturb the tennis team.

Tezuka removed his glasses carefully, wiping them on the towel before placing them onto his towel which was neatly folded on top of the fountain. Bending down, the young man splashed cool water onto his burning face, feeling refreshed almost immediately.

His hand reached up to paw for his towel to dry his face. Feeling it being handed to him, Tezuka gave a small frown before relaxing. Why was he so tense? After all, it had to be…

"Ah, thanks, Fuji."

"Nono, silly billy. It's, like, me, don't u get it? Omg, Tezu-chan…how culd u hav 4gotten?"

Tezuka gave an unvoluntary twitch at the sound of the high-pitched squeaky voice, Inui's voice coming to him again.

One way to determine a Mary-Sue is by the amazingly limited vocabulary…not to mention the chatspeak. Remember to ignore your natural instincts, Tezuka. These monsters are dangerous. Do NOT run. I repeat, do NOT run. They can smell fear..

Standing up, Tezuka wiped his face clean before reaching for his glasses. After placing them back on his nose, he almost immediately wished he had not. Before him stood a girl with the largest eyes he'd ever seen. It could be said that they occupied almost eighty per cent of her face, sparkling a bright, hurtful pink before morphing to purple…and then green…and then red…and then…

"Can I help you?" he asked indifferently, a stoic expression on his visage. It could be said that Tezuka was a brave young man. Or he could have been incredibly thick. Either way, the girl's radioactive eyes did not seem to faze him at all.

The girl gave a small wriggly dance, as though she were a wet noodle, which was what she partially seemed to be. Seeing as she was wearing a skirt that could have passed as underwear and fishnets, she could have been mistaken for a prostitute. Her shirt was skin-tight; it was a wonder how she was able to breathe in the thing. Her ankle-length hair was a horrid jet-black that made it seem as though she'd dunked her scalp into a bucket of paint.

"omg! Ur such a cootie!11 Tee-heez0rz lyke lol!11 so lyke im frum americA n lyke im an xchange student but lyke i cam here b4 an lyke we d8ed 4 awile but tehn i had 2 go bak hom coz i had 2 particip8 in this tennis tournament taht we were supposed to both go 2 but them u werent axepted coz u werent as gud as me so lyke here i am."

"…."

"omg, well? Aren u gunna say somthing 2 ur long-lost gf? Lol!"

"....Perhaps you could repeat that again…but slower…and with periods, semi-colons and commas."

"…wat?"

"Firstly, I am much too occupied with my tennis to date anyone so how could we have been going out together in the first place, anyways?"

"O ya. The name is Desiree by the way. i went 2 ur last tourney byt then u saw me in teh stands an was so overcame by my owesome beooty taht u abandoned teh game and wanted 2 d8 me write away."

For those who truly understood Tezuka, right now he was wearing his mask of indifference over his face of utter shock.

"Madam, it's obvious that you have the wrong person…that couldn't have possibly been…"

"omg! Ur so silly! Lol!"

"…never mind."

Tezuka concluded that the girl was most likely a little lost.

"You said you played tennis very well, did you not? Better than I?"

"Yeppers! Omg! Lol!"

-

A few moments later

Tezuka stared in shock at his hand.

I-it's not possible.

He looked up, not believing what was happening to him.

Is it possible…for someone to be so bad at tennis?

"omg! Tat wasnt fare! U did somthing 2 the ball!"

"That was a completely simple forehand! How could you have missed it if you're as good as you say?"

"…Shut up! Ur jus goin easy on me coz u lyke me."

Tezuka clenched his fist, refusing to lift it up to smack his forehead. His expression void of any emotion soon veiled his actual thoughts. Kunimitsu Tezuka had a plan.

"Fine, let's try again."

Pok!

The tennis ball arched over the net smoothly before smacking the girl on her chin. It was already quite amusing to watch her try to run around the court wearing her ridiculous outfit.

Pok!

This one whacked her straight on the forehead, leaving a loud red mark.

Pok!

Eye.

Pok!

Cheek.

Pok!

Belly.

Pok! Pok! Pok!

And once again the steady hollow sound of balls bouncing across the tennis court permeated the atmosphere.