SLASH! PARODY! Virginal Draco Malfoy watches a mysterious raunchy homemade video, and then receives an owl indicating that he will be "deflowered in seven days," unless he can first uncover the video's sordid secrets.
This parody is RATED R and includes HARRY/DRACO SLASH!
This parody contains spoilers from all five Harry Potter books, including Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
This parody is not authorized by and is in no way associated with Koji Suzuki or his novel Ringu, the Japanese cinematic adaptations of the book, entitled Ringu, Ringu 2, and Ringu 0:Basudei, or the American adaptation of the book, entitled The Ring.
This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
September 14, 1996. Sunday.
Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode were hanging out on Millicent's bed in their dorm in the Slytherin Dungeon, gossiping about Neville's virginity, the size of Crabbe's bulge, whether Ginny wore falsies, and other relevant Hogwarts related matters. This was their sixth year, and remarkably they were both still virgins.
"Pansy, I heard you and… Draco… well, you know…" Millicent cooed, giggling madly.
Pansy blushed. "Well I wanted to… but… I think Drakey-poo just needs a little more… coaxing." Pansy lifted her skirt up to her thigh, showing off her La Perla hot pink silk garters. The girls giggled madly again.
"Speaking of virginity," Pansy continued, "have you heard of that freaky video where you watch it and then you receive an owl that reads, 'YOU WILL BE DEFLOWERED IN SEVEN DAYS?' Damn it, I would love to watch that video! My parched cooch is killing me!" Pansy shrieked hysterically.
Millicent, however, stopped laughing. "Whom did you hear that story from?" Millicent asked gravely.
"It's a rumor... just some silly ghost story... I don't know... Why are you so concerned?"
"Oh, it's nothing," Millicent replied, looking nervously at her watch. "It's just that, well, I was making out with Blaise in the Shrieking Shack last week and…"
"You were making out with Blaise Zabini?" Pansy shrieked. "You dirty whore. Tell me more!!!!"
"Well, we were snogging and then suddenly we realized that there were some interesting muggle electronics secretly hidden in the shack. A TV, VCR, DVD player, a Super Nintendo..."
"A what?" Pansy asked.
"Never mind," Millicent replied, trying to get to the point. "Anyway, we found this strange black videotape next to the VCR and decided to watch it. Blaise thought it was some kind of kinky BDSM muggle porn flick, but… it was something else. It was strange… I saw this image of a magnificent arch… and then these weird erotic pictures… I can't really explain it… but when the video ended, we both suddenly received anonymous owls that read, 'YOU WILL BE DEFLOWERED IN SEVEN DAYS!' That was one week ago… today."
Pansy looked at Millicent crossly. "Okay, what did you really do with Blaise in the Shrieking Shack? You don't actually expect me to believe that you both sat down to watch that video? I mean… if you did, can I borrow it? I heard the mystery man is really well hung."
Suddenly, Millicent giggled nervously. "I was just kidding… You're so gullible, Pansy."
Pansy snickered. "You were pulling my leg? You little bitch! But… were you really making out with Blaise?"
Millicent nodded suggestively.
"So how far did you two get?" Pansy cooed.
"Oh, I don't know…" Millicent giggled.
"I can't believe you… you had me freaked for a minute and…" Pansy was about to hit Millicent with a pillow when a mysterious owl arrived. Pansy and Millicent froze. Millicent looked terrified.
"You weren't joking about the video, were you?" Pansy asked, suddenly very serious. Millicent shook her head. Pansy took the letter from the owl… opened it discreetly… and gave it to Millicent.
"It's for you," she whispered.
Millicent glanced at the letter nervously.
Have you done your homework yet? Don't tell me you're still gossiping with Pansy Parkinson and skipping your schoolwork. If I receive one more note from Professor Snape that you have been skipping your NEWT-level potions assignments, I will come down to Hogwarts myself and meet with the Headmaster… I am warning you…
Hugs and kisses,
Millicent gasped a giant sigh of relief. It was just her Mum making petty threats. The video must have been a hoax. Just a hoax. That's all…
Millicent turned around and realized that Pansy was no longer in the room. She must be in the shower, Millicent rationalized. No big deal. Suddenly, the TV screen in front of her turned on.
"It's not funny, Pansy," Millicent shouted, turning off the television.
The TV turned on again. This time Millicent unplugged it. "Stop it, Pansy, I said it isn't funny!"
The TV turned on yet again, and the arch appeared on the screen. Millicent leapt backward onto her bed, screaming. She closed her eyes tightly and waited. Nothing happened. Finally, she opened her left eye and saw a tall, hot naked bloke with long flowing hair standing over her. His dong was 14 inches long and rock hard. He winked at her.
End of Chapter 1
Author's Note: This HP fanfic is a parody of the movie The Ring. If you haven't watched the film, I highly recommend that you see it.