The Not-so-Secret Window

A/N: I just rented Secret Window, and I loved it. So like everything that I love, the movie would eventually have to be spoofed. This parody will be very long and will span lots and lots of chapters, so you're in for the long haul, folks. Enjoy! (Oh, yes, and please don't forget to review! wink wink wink)

Rated PG-13 for swearing, some snogging, and a certain ex-president.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Secret Window. Short story rights go to Master Stephen King, and movie rights go to... some director... (checks credits)...David Koepp...?
WHAT I DO OWN: SmileVampy (that's me!), her magical authoress powers of DOOM... and this parody...

Chapter the 1st: Mort at the Motel

(Cue ominous sound of windshield wipers)

Windshield wipers: Swish swish swish

(It is an ominously dark and rainy night. Johnny Depp is-)

Mort: Actually, my name is Mort Rainey...

SmileVampy: What?

Mort: Mort Rainey... not Johnny Depp...

Audience: Well, he fooled us...

SmileVampy: The HELL? What kind of name is that?

Mort: Dunno. Ask Stephen King...

Audience: Ummm... who?

Mort: The famous author. He wrote the short story this movie's based on...

SmileVampy: (sighs) Forget it Mort. Half the audience can't read anyway...

(Using her magical authoress powers of DOOM, SmileVampy turns back time...)

Announcer: Please remember to turn off all cell phones and pagers while you are in the movie theater...

(No, not that far...)

Windshield wipers: Swish swish swish

(There we go. It is an ominously dark and rainy night. "Mort Rainey" is sitting in his car. He stares at the audience... ominously... and fangirls everywhere drool, swoon, and melt.)

Fangirls: drool swoon melt

Mort: (stares some more)

Mr. Voice-in-his-head: Turn around, man. There's nothin' to see here. Your wife loves you and she's definitely cough not cheating on you.

Mort: I don't believe you.

Mr. Voice-in-his-head: Okay, I'm a bad liar. But do you really want to be hurt like this?

Mort: Yes.

Mr. Voice-in-his-head: Do you really want to know what she's doin' in that room?

Mort: Yes.

Mr. Voice-in-his-head: Ewwwww... perv.

Mort: Shut up. I'm going in.

Mr. Voice-in-his-head: Okay... it's your sanity, buddy, not mine.

Mort: Of course.

(Mort pulls into the EZ-Sleaze Motel parking lot. He goes into the main office, steals a couple keys, and drives off. Some guy yells at him.)

Some guy: Hey! Hey!

(Mort drives up to two motel doors. He opens the first door...)

Girl: moan moan (notices Mort) Eek! Look, Billy, a strange man!

Bill Clinton: slurp slurp (notices Mort) Oh! Ummm... I am not having sexual relations with this woman...

(Mort quickly shuts the door)

Mort: (shudders) Eeeeewwwww...

Audience: That was wrong on so many levels...

SmileVampy: (grins wickedly) Hush.

(Mort tries the next door. He opens it...)

Mort: (whispering) Please don't let it be George Bush...please don't let it be George Bush...

(A blonde chick is screwing a random guy)

Mort: Oh thank God... (sees that the blonde chick is actually his wife) ...well, shit.

(The wife and the random guy notice Mort in the doorway)

Random guy: Eep.

The Wife: Oh, hi honey... gee, this is awkward...

(Mort storms in and screams in their faces)

Mort: Ahhhhhh!

Audience: Poor guy... we feel for you, man.

Fangirls: Oooh... wonder what his breath smells like...

SmileVampy: (smiles dreamily) Tobacco... and cherry cough drops...

To Be Continued...

A/N: There's lots more to come, folks, but I want at least one review before I post the next chapter. Love it or hate it (but please no flames) tell me what you guys think! Is it funny enough? (If not, the next chapter's better) Do you want more?