Poor Unfortunate Souls

Sometime in the near, or distant, future, Harry is once again having trouble convincing people of something. He turns to Rita Skeeter for help (don't ask why, call it temporary insanity)

[Rita:] The only way to get what you want is to become minister yourself.

[Harry:] Can you do that?

[Rita:] My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I live for. To help unfortunate wizards - like yourself - poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I've been a nasty,

They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a bitch.

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways,

Repented, seen the light and made a switch.

True? Yes

And I fortunately know about persuasion,

It's a talent that I always have possessed.

And here lately, please don't laugh,

I use it on behalf

Of the miserable, lonely and depressed.


Poor unfortunate souls,

In pain,

In need.

This one longing to get power,

That one wants to have the gold ,

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed.

Those poor unfortunate souls,

So sad,

So true.

They come flocking to my office

Crying, "Help, Rita please!"

And I help them?

Yes, I do

Now it's happened once or twice

Someone couldn't pay the price,

And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals.

Yes, I've had the odd complaint,

But on the whole I've been a saint

To those poor unfortunate souls.

[Rita:] Have we got a deal?

[Harry:] If I become minister, I'll never be with my friends again.

[Rita:] But you'll have the position. Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment.

[Harry:] But I didn't bring any -

[Rita:] I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. What I want from you is . . . your voice.

[Harry:] But without my voice, how can I -

[Rita:] You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha!

The people here don't like a lot of blabber,

They think someone who gossips is a bore.

Around here it's much preferred

For people not to say a word

And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation,

True gentlemen avoid it when they may.

But people's toungues tend to loose

Around a social recluse,

It's he who holds his thoughts that gets to stay.

Come on, you poor unfortunate soul,

Go ahead!

Make your choice!

I'm a very busy woman

And I haven't got all day;

It won't cost much

Just your voice!

You poor unfortunate soul.

It's sad,

But true.

If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet,

You've got to pay the toll.

Take a gulp and take a breath,

And go ahead and sign the scroll!

Ludo, Fudge, now I've got him, boys,

The boss is on a roll.

This poor unfortunate soul!

Rita laughed as Harry signed the scroll. At last, she will have her revenge. As he left her manor, she ran to the fireplace.

"Draco, are you there?"


"I have it!"

evil laughter "I knew he would fall for it, the idiot."

"What do you want with his voice?"

"That is not your business. You have done your job," He tossed a bag of coins at her. "Now leave." She sulked back through the fireplace.

The second Rita left, Draco rushed over to his desk and pulled his chair into the shadows so that if someone were to look at him, all they would see were the gleaming eyes. He then threw a handfull of floo power into the fireplace and quickly drank the potion to give him Harry's voice.

A recording came through the fireplace, "Thank you for calling Wizard Pie. We have a pizza for every wizard. How may I help you?" Draco grinned maliciously

"Yes, I would like you to send me, Harry Potter, fifty liver and tripe pizzas." Draco smirked, Potter would have no idea what hit him. "Muahahahahahahahahaha!"

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (however much I may want to) nor The Little Mermaid.