Disclaimer: I do not own Inu-Yasha or anything that relates to it, excluding merchandise.

Author's Note: All right, I admit I've had some pretty abstract fanfic ideas- 'Blue Eyes' comes instantly to mind- but, even I admit, this has to be the weirdest.

Please no flames, even if you despise this with a passion. ;;

Oh- and thanks to my brother, Joey, for helping me come up with a title for this.

(Also- just another reminded- I'm going out of town for the 4th! No updates on chappie fics till I get back due to the evil cliffies that it would cause! That is all.)

- - -

First off, I should say this: I'm not REALLY evil.

Oh, sure, I do like a good, tall glass of sake now and then- get things riled up. I'd be lying to say that I don't enjoy bossing my underlings around- I do. And I guess quite a bit of the stuff I do is 'BAD'- no denying it. But I'm not EVIL. Honestly, who's ever heard of EVIL wearing a baboon suit?! Quite frankly, I chose said suit it give me more of a lighthearted appearance. Unfortunately, though, this statement of dress has only caused one thing- a decrease in the population of white monkeys (and not all of the deaths were me trying to come up with a new outfit, if you catch my drift).

But yeah, moving along- here I am, being labeled as the devil's creation, hell spawn- when I'm NOT! You know how frustrating that is? Just because they hear one group's half of a stupid little tale. . . I mean, sure, I do nothing to STOP the rumors, but seriously- no one ever asks ME my side of the story.

Would you like to hear it?

Well, finally- someone who does!

All right- it all started some fifty odd years ago. I- well, I guess it wasn't really, me; but to save the trouble I'll just call this entity myself- was a crippled bastard living in the care of the miko Kikyo. Now, let me tell you- she was HOT. Not just "ooo, she's kinda cute" hot- but DROP DEAD GEORGEOUS hot. You'd have to be either blind of gay not to "notice" her. Ergo, everyone did. Everyone meaning everyone. Even a guy named Inu-Yasha.

And myself.

Like I mentioned, either blind or gay. Neither he nor I was either of the two.

So he liked her- he very much liked her. I didn't know the whole gist of the story then, but I had caught bits and pieces of it when some little girl named Kaede came in Kikyo's place to take care of me. She'd feed me gruel and chatter continuously just so I didn't feel the need to speak. She was a timid whelp, she was. Dunno how she acted around others, but with me. . . Well, she was always on edge.

Back to the story- I learned of Inu-Yasha and Kikyo's little love tryst. I admit, I was a bit jealous.

. . . All right, I was in an irrational rage, happy?!

So I called upon the demons to devour my soul, blah blah blah, your bodies are mine, shebang.

I'm sure you've all heard that part so many times you just want the topic to die already.

Ah, to die. . .

This is where the story gets interesting.

So here I am, a new demon with a new name. I'm ready to kick some ass, take some names, take some of Kikyo's ass, all that good stuff.

But then- the day before I planed to kill off Inu-Yasha, sweep the lovely miko into my arms, and ride off into the sunset with her- I witnessed a scene between them in the forest. I can't remember all they said, but I remember the tone. . .

And for some reason, it haunted me.

'Could the beautiful Kikyo not be quite so beautiful on the inside?' I had wondered as I watched the pair talk. How could she really be so greedy? So greedy as to take a fellow half-breed's demonic tendencies away from him? Was she only filled with conditional love for him? How could she expect their lives to be as wonderful as she wanted when she'd only care for him if he did this and that?

I suppose I should mention that not only was my past self a thief, but he was also an avid believe in love. Don't ask me why, I sure as hell don't know. All I knew was that I was filled with fury- disappointed that my goddess, Kikyo, could be such a- such a flake.

I vowed that, for my other self's sake (and because his damned heart was still my own), I'd prove to them how fragile false love is. I would help destiny! I'd help romance! I'd help my fellow hanyou! I'd show him that there was true love out there for him- that he could do better than some two faced priestess! Then, together, we could use the Shikon Jewel and find our own true loves!

. . . And before you say it, NO. As I previously stated, I AM NOT GAY.

I simply believed that Inu-Yasha could do better. After all- he had the reputation of hanyous everywhere on the line!

So I. . . interfered a bit. . .

And. . .

Well, I fucked everything up, okay!? I admit it! I screwed it sideways! Hey- everyone makes mistakes! Even me, the greatest, most powerful half-demon of all time!

No, I honestly didn't mean for things to turn out QUITE the way they did. My original plan was to just shake Kikyo up a bit- I didn't intend to end up KILLING her. After all, even if she was a flake, she was a sexy one. Onigumo and I still kinda liked her. After all, it's a bit hard to automatically hate someone who cared for you during the worst time of your life. Even if said person IS a bitch.

All the same, what's done is done. And, on the plus side, Inu-Yasha didn't have to deal with conditional love anymore!

. . . 'Course, he was sort of pinned to a tree, so it didn't matter. . .

Anyway, there was nothing to do but wait.

So that's what I did.

For the next fifty years I traveled through Japan, selling love potions and telling people their horoscopes. Occasionally I did a bit of stealing, just to please my other self- okay, and I laid a few whores, too- but for the most part I stuck to the romance business. Toddled around. Saw the sites. Cursed some monk for pissing me off. Concocted a plan or two for world domination, then chucked 'em out the window and went back to more exciting of activities. Like laying a few more whores.

Then, one day- completely out of the blue- I was traveling through a tiny town disguised as a child (so as to determine what kind of charms and potions most of the people needed) when-

There he was.

Inu-Yasha.

Arguing loudly with a girl who was straddled over his hips, tugging at his half-open haori. A girl I could have sworn was Kikyo, had she not looked so- so-

So much kinder.

I remember arching an eyebrow as the old priestess I was with ushered the kids and I away, muttering something about raging hormones and mood swings under her breath.

That was when it truly hit me: Inu-Yasha, the hanyou I had (accidentally) put out of commission half a century earlier, was now frolicking through the fields with some cute teenager in a weird kimono. But though she was. . . odd. . .

I sensed something pure and sweet about her.

After that I followed the pair for a long time, observing them, watching them, pursuing them- all whilst disguised in different forms. Once I was a rock. Another, a shrine girl named Nazuna. Yet another, a villager that Inu- Yasha had barked at, hoping to get some statue off of his hands. They never knew it was me.

And while I studied them, I came to realize that I had been right: this Kagome girl was not Kikyo. Not in any way. She seemed to honestly love the hanyou- ears and all.

THAT is what I call unconditional love.

But then I began to wonder- would their love be strong enough? Even after all the boys that kept following Kagome around? Even after the flake was resurrected? (That, also, was NOT in my plans. Stupid Urasue. . . can't keep her wrinkled nose out of other people's business. . .)

I also remember that day- the day Kikyo came back. I was watching them, in the form of a huge dragonfly. I could sense that this was rocky terrain for them- after all, seeing Inu-Yasha in silent, deep thought was really, really rare. Kagome's usual bubbly nature seemed to fizzle out, as well. . . 'They can face countless youkai and only grow closer,' I had thought sadly, 'but one pot of dirt and all ties are severed.'

This would not do! My duty as a romantic would not allow me to rest! But how would I help?

Wait! I had already answered the question myself! Youkai=closer. Kikyo=farther.

So I came up with an ingenious plot: Disguise myself as some stupid lord, play a few pranks, send in a few demons, and watch the pair fall helplessly in love. I'd take Kikyo myself, of course, maybe fuck her once or twice, then destroy her so that Kagome and Inu-Yasha could live together happily- the end!

. . .

But, of course, I sort of bombed that plan too.

See, for some reason or another, Inu-Yasha seemed really pissed at me for the whole 'Kikyo dying' thing. (Once again- that was a mistake! God, can't these people learn to let go?) And then this monk named Miroku got all in my face as well over some hole in his hand. Can I help it if he had really annoying ancestors? I didn't mean to ruin HIS life or anything (though in all honesty I think he should thank me- he wouldn't have any reason to grope woman if it wasn't for me. And, if he didn't grope woman, he wouldn't realize how much that exterminating babe likes him.).

Speaking of the exterminating babe-

What is HER problem?! Sure, I use her little brother as a lackey- the kid's cute and strong and HALF DEAD. If he wasn't my lackey, he'd be toast! No biggie for me, though- A shard as a battery and you're golden. Waste not, want not they always say. So why is SHE so ticked off? "His memories!" she always whines. "You erased his memories!" Well- YEAH. Would YOU like to walk around with the knowledge that you killed your own family?! I don't THINK so! I'm helping the poor guy out here! She just doesn't understand that I'm a fucking saint! And, once again- he'd DIE without me.

Oh- and while I'm on it- murdering her village wasn't my fault!

. . . Okay, so that one was.

I blame Onigumo.

But all the same- there's no need to seek revenge on ME, I didn't do the killing; I just started a tiny little rumor. Besides, her people sort of deserved it. Oni have families and people who care about them, too, you know. It's cruel to go killing them off for work! Besides, us demons were here first. If the humans find us annoying, tough beans!

Now that THAT'S off my chest . . .

The world was slowly turning against me. And I had no one to help. So I created a monster or two. Kanna (I like her best, I can watch the process of my matchmaking skills in her mirror when no one else is around), Kagura (she's a bit of a prick. I don't think she likes me much. . . Dunno why, though. I'm just holding on to her heart so she doesn't fall in love with some idiot who'll treat her like shit. Is that so wrong? I'm just a protective father. . .), Goshinki (lunkhead, that's all I have to say. I'm sort of glad he's dead), etc. . . Not only did I use them to fight for me, but I was also able to bring Kagome and Inu-Yasha closer and closer with them.

Ah, it was great.

Of course, whenever I made any REAL progress on the two, the flaky bitch just had to show up. . . Even when I DID manage to capture her/attempt to control her/kill her off, she'd always manage to escape- either by herself or with Inu-Yasha's help.

God, what was WITH that Inu-Yasha moron?! I swear- I was about to whap him over the head for being such an idiot! "WHY DO YOU KEEP RESCUING HER?!" I wanted to scream. "Just let me kill her off for you!" I was sure Kagome wouldn't mind- though it seemed to me she was itching for her own chance to kill off her incarnation. (Can't blame her, really. It must totally suck, loosing to a dead girl.)

But no matter what I threw at the numbskull, he'd always come after the perished miko.

I truly, honestly, felt Kagome's pain.

So what did I do to try and help?

Sent more monsters. Acted more evil. Stole more Jewel Shards. Plotted more matches. Sold more love potions (while disguised, of course). Learned the tango. That sort of thing.

That didn't work. Ergo-

I sent in even MORE monsters. Continued to act continuously eviler. Stole countless shards- till I'd almost the completed the whole fricken' Jewel (with which I plan to become full demon in order to fight of the rights of hanyous everywhere, all whist setting up nice couples and starting my own love charm store). Watched as other couples I'd set up got married. Built an apothecary for potion ingredients. Learned the flamenco.

That didn't work, either.

And so the whole cycle began again.

Let me tell you- I am now a master at the tango, the flamenco, the river dance, the waltz, the rumba, the fox trot, the lindy, the swim, and the chicken dance.

THAT'S how long I've been at this. Call me pathetic, call me a fool- but I believe that even true love needs a bit of help sometimes.

Though I think this may be going past just 'a bit'. . .

Hm?

And what am I doing now, you ask?

I'm still sending in more monsters. To this day. Still fighting- still trying to force those two reluctant yet longing souls into each others' awaiting arms. It's frustrating, but I'm happy to see that one of my more stubborn match-maid pairs, Sango and Miroku, are already engaged. Just shows what a little chaos can do. . . Now if they'll just knock some sense into Kagome and Inu-Yasha. . .

So anyway. . . Here I sit, in my castle, watching yet another one of my puppets get blown to smithereens, waiting for the day when I can point and laugh at the mated Kag and Inu and make them thank me for all that I've done for them.

But until then. . . I'll just settle for being the main villain, I suppose.

Oh, the things I'll do for love.

- - -

All right, I guess I should give a small explanation as to why I wrote this. NOT because I don't see Naraku as the ultimate villain- he is.

But last night I was reading a VERY good fic by Lara Winner called 'Empathy', in which Inu-chan talks about his relationship with Kikyo and Kagome. In it he says 'I truly believe that Kikyo loved me- conditionally.' And that 'Fake is fickle. . . Naraku tore us apart'. That sort of stuff. And for some reason, it got me thinking about how lucky us Kag/Inu fans are that Naraku got himself involved just in time to pull Inu away from someone who truly didn't love him, and send him into the arms of one who does.

And then, for some reason or another, this musing came to me: What if he did it on purpose? What if, for some reason, he was and is working on fate's side? And what the hell was he doing during those fifty years Inu- Yasha was pinned to the damn tree?

Thus came this fic.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed the mental piccie of Naraku-sama doing the chicken dance. (Yes, I know that those dances were modern and that they'd never heard of them in the Feudal Era. But this was just for fun, it doesn't matter.)

Please R&R! Ja ne!