THE ULTIMATE FINAL FANTASY
BY SUPER MEGA KAWAII NEKO-CHAN XIII
A/N: NOPE! I do not own Final Fantasy! I'm telling you this because I seriously believe there's a chance Square-Enix might actually give a crap about the braingarbage an over-obsessed fangirl and sue me! :D :D :D
CHAPTER I: FINAL HEAVEN
"Angst angst angst,
Woe, woe, woe,
Here's a trendy teenage band
Singing a song that is vague enough to fit anything
If you squint really hard"
- J. Random Emo Kid, "Man I Sure Do Miss My Girlfriend"
It was a warm day in Midgar and the sun rippled the sky. Yes it "rippled" the sky, because using adjectives that don't necessarily make sense is what real authors do because it makes them look smart. Cloud and Tifa walked down the street. All of a sudden a big portle opened up and Tidus fell out.
"Wow who are you" said Tifa. 'Man he is hot' she thought because there is no such thing as suggesting thoughts through body language.
"My name is Tidus" said Tidus.
"Where did you come from" said Cloud and Cloud saw how Tifa was looking at Tidus and it made Cloud mad.
"That portle" said Tidus
"Oh" said Cloud but Cloud was still mad. 'Why does Tifa like him'
"I bring bad news" said Tidus and he walked over to Cloud and Tifa and Tidus pointed at the sky. "Bahamut has turned evil and noone knows why so we have to team up and kill it"
"Ok" said Tifa.
And Cloud Tifa and Tidus went to the store and Tifa walked by Tidus and Cloud was mad because Cloud liked Tifa and Tifa was Cloud's girlfriend and not Tidus's. Using pronouns is bad form when it comes to serious writing, I know because I am in English II and my mommy says I write very good. They bought weapons at the store and then they called Cid on the phone.
"#$%#%$%" said Cid on the phone.
"Bahamut is killing people, we must kill him before he kills more people, so lets go kill him" said Cloud.
"##%$%#" said Cid and he flew over in the airship
Cloud started to walk to the airship but when he did he saw the couch and Tifa and Tidus were on the couch and they were making love on the couch. Tifa was moaning and groaning and grinding. Sweet hot honey came out of her. "TIDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Tifa said. "TIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAA!" Tidus said. They came at the same time because achieving orgasm in unison is a sign of true love and not fantastic control, timing, and an intimate knowledge of your partner. "I love you" Tidus said and Tifa believed him because everyone takes guys seriously when they say the three-word bitch-plugger in bed.
Cloud got hard watching this but he was mad so he didn't say anything. Cloud had a dark secret and that dark secret was Cid, and Cloud knew it, and Cid knew it, and Cid liked it, but Cid didn't say anything, because Cid was afraid, afraid of his love, a love that is okay because homosexuality is okay. So Cloud got on the airship. 'I have a dark secret' thought Cloud 'And that dark secret is Cid'
"Cid I love you" said Cloud and he kissed Cid and his tounge explored his mouth and they made sweet love in the butt because that is what gay men do and that is okay. Cloud did not even have to lube up because his love was so powerful it greased Cid's piping like Crisco.
"CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" said Cloud and he came.
"#$$#$&$$#$!$%$&$#!#!#%##$#!$#%!" said Cid and he came.
"Cloud you never loved me" Tifa suddenly said because she was suddenly there all of a sudden.
"Nope" said Cloud
And lo, from the horizon came a mighty roar -- behold, it is BAHAMUT! In their frighteningly inaccurate sexual escapades, our heroes lost the valuable time necessary to vanquish the mighty dragon! Spreading his leathery wings, the majestic being swooped down low, seizing the naked Cloud in his jagged talons and devouring him with a bloodthirsty, sickening crunch of bone! The heartbroken Cid cried into the night the name of his lost lover, but alas... alas! Type-less damage did rain from the heavens, and yea, all were smoten.
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