a completely stupid Invader Zim challenge ficlet
by J. Random Lurker
"Wait, wait, Zim, let me get this straight. You want to BREAK into the MASSIVE just so you can sit on a stupid COUCH?!"
"Not just ANY couch, human!" Zim retorted. "An AMAZING couch, designed by the cleverest minds of the galaxy! Now BE QUIET! and turn on your stealth mode." He giggled in raw pleasure of his own wickedness. "I am SO amazing...!"
"You're going to get me KILLED! Over a -couch-. I hate you." Dib sighed and activated the small tab on his wrist, promptly vanishing from sight.
Zim just snickered and followed suit.
There was much chaos along the way, but they ultimately reached their goal without alerting the Massive to their presence. They infiltrated the Irken command ship to its deepest, darkest heart, to the place where its great treasure rested like a well-fed harlot. And, once doing so, they stood together and gazed in open awe on the alien relic.
It sat enthroned on a pedestal- a lovely three-cushion couch with a gently curved back and strong thickly padded arms. An excruciatingly tasteful lamp and a horrifyingly tasteful picture were aligned near it. The room was flooded with a soft pink light that gave the whole setting an elegant feeling. It could have been the glossy centerfold of the November issue of Obscenely Rich People's Homes Magazine.
"There," Zim whispered to his companion. "Behold...the universe's most comfortable couch. We captured it from the filthy Vort-beasts during Impending Doom 2."
"... Wow. It's... wow." Dib climbed up the pedestal and clambered into the couch, settling on the edge of the cushions near the left arm. "It... IS pretty comfy." He bounced up and down slightly, curious. It felt like sitting on a cloud, the perfect mix of give and firmness; he felt himself almost immediately wanting to curl up and nap with a blanket and a good book. The fabric was soft and pleasant under his hand. "Wow. I could really..."
Zim leaned in breathily. "... Could really...?"
Dib caught the look in Zim's eyes and froze. "... Oh no. That look, I KNOW that look! We can't...! I mean, yeah, it's a nice couch, but we have to get OUT of here before we get CAUGHT, there's no WAY you mean to..."
The little Irken purred. Pressing closer, until his mouth was almost touching Dib's. "You KNOW you want to. The couch TEMPTS you!"
"...NO...! I mean, what if..." Dib blushed hot red as he inched back from Zim's advance. His eyes darted quickly to the door, the ceilings, then back to Zim. Shyly. His hand stroked the smooth alien cushions. He couldn't help but WONDER... "... but...!"
Zim crowed. "As I -thought-!" He pounced on the human and pinned him to the cushion, then began to pull his suit open...
The couch squeaked, tastefully, under the shifting weight of the Irken and the human. Dib moaned heavily under Zim. The little alien grinned madly, eyes bright with lust and power. "That's right, stinkbeast, MOAN! SQUIRM!" He slapped the human's ass with a laugh. "I'M GOING TO STUFF YOU FULLER THAN THESE CUSHIONS!"
So caught up were they in the filthy act of lovemaking neither of them noticed for several crucial seconds when the Almighty Tallest wandered in together for their scheduled 'couch and snack and gloat and cackle hour'.
"Tell me that isn't Zim naked on the couch with some horrible alien life form."
"WHO'S my FRILLY LITTLE THROW PILLOW!?" Zim roared in the background above Dib's rising cries. "I'M SLIPCOVERING YOU WITH LOVE!!"
Tallest Red grimaced. "... That's not Zim naked on the couch with some horrible alien life form." He cleared his throat and raised his voice to Extreme Bellow. "BECAUSE IF THAT IS ZIM NAKED ON THE COUCH WITH SOME HORRIBLE ALIEN LIFE FORM, HE'S ABOUT TO BE PUMMELLED INTO A VERY VERY NOT ALIVE THING!"
Zim looked up sharply at the sudden shouting. Beads of sweat ran down the side of his head. He realized where he was, what (and who) he was doing, and just WHO was standing there glaring at him.
"Eh. Eheh. Ehhh... Greetings, my Tallest!" He attempted to salute, and tumbled off Dib in alarm, crashing into the floor, naked and sweating. He drew himself up to regulation stance, bit his lip anxiously. "This ... eh... I can EXPLAIN..."
Behind him, Dib just groaned quietly and started reaching for the clothes draped over one arm of the chair.
Red rubbed his fingers together and grinned down at Zim. It wasn't a pleasant grin. "Yes. Go ahead, Zim. I'd REALLY like to hear you TRY."
Dib, crouched on all fours with a long wooden plank crudely duct-taped to his back. He was taller, so they'd made HIM be the coffee table... The Tallest giggled, and propped their feet up on him. He craned his neck to snap at Zim. "This is all YOUR fault!"
Zim shifted unsteadily, with his head pushed down in his knees. A smaller square board was strapped to HIM; his smaller size made him the ideal endtable. He lifted his head, causing the drinks on his back to jump around. "Stop your noise-making. We only have three hundred years of this to go."
A/N: Special thanks to Apricot the Gerbil for the "frilly little throw pillow!" line and other helpful comments that went into the construction of this ficlet :) Originally written November 2003.