FISH OR CUT BAIT

Teh Mouse and Squeenix own KH, not me.
This fic is mine, not that anybody else
would want to CLAIM it.

--

FIRST, OF COURSE, ONE SHOULD TEST THE WATERS.

"Hey, Sora. What would you say if I said I knew someone who has a crush on you?"

"...huh?"

"Someone has a crush on you."

"...Kairi?!"

"...no, not Kairi."

"....Selphie?"

"Uh, no."

"Oh, thank GOD. But they're the only girls I know well enough to --"

"Who said it was a gi - someone you hang around with?"

"Oh. How do you know, anyway?"

"I just do. Don't you want to know who it is?"

"Well, yeah."

"What if I said it was a boy?"

"....why would a boy have a crush on me? Uh, Riku? Riku, why are you pounding your head against the tree like that?"

"...stupid stupid CLUELESS stupid stupid ..."

"AUGH! RIKU?! Are you trying to drown yourself?! RIKU!"

--

IF SUBTLE DOES NOT WORK, ONE CAN TRY THE MORE DIRECT ROUTE.

"Riku?"

"Yeah, Kairi?"

"I don't think that's working."

"What's not working?"

"See, if you do the whole barnacle thing with him, all he thinks is 'Wow! I have such cool friends and they like me! Yay! I like them too!'"

"..."

"Whereas it just makes ME go 'Riku, stop clinging to Sora before I am forced to throw coconuts at you.'"

"... ..."

"And I can hit you, too."

"...I wasn't being obvious."

"Obvious, no. Desperate, yes."

"I hate you, Kairi."

--

WHAT THE HELL. TRY TO MAKE THEM NOTICE YOU.

"Dude, Riku."

"Yeah, Tidus?"

"Since when have you ever been interested in Kairi?"

"I'm n - uh, I mean, wow! Boobies!"

"..."

"ARRGH SORA WOULD YOU PLEASE NOT KILL YOURSELF CLIMBING TREES?!"

"... /.../"

"What?"

"So would this sudden interest have anything to do with Sora's crush on her?"

"NO! Of COURSE not!"

"Sure, man. Whatever you say."

--

IGNORE UNNEEDED AND UNWELCOME ADVICE.

"So I think you should totally invite him out some night and take him to the paopu tree and offer him one and then you could break it in half and then --"

"Selphie?"

" -- and you could feed it to each other and that would be SOOOO romantic! Of course, you'd have to confess first but oh my GOD imagine someone confessing by the paopu tree on a full moon oh my GOD that would be something you'd just replay over and over again in your mind and --"

"Selphie."

"And every year you could go back to the paopu tree on the same day and relive it and oh my GOD you should totally do it, Riku, TOTALLY --"

"SELPHIE!"

"What?"

"I am NOT inviting So -- anybody to go to the paopu tree with me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'd jump on h -- I mean, that's sort of lame."

"LAME?! How can you call sharing a PAOPU FRUIT -- the SYMBOL of ETERNAL LOVE -- on a MOONLIT NIGHT with the SEA BREEZE BLOWING with the ONE YOU LOVE WITH YOU and KNOWING YOU WILL BE WITH THEM FOREVER AND EVER /LAME/?!"

"Because I'm a boy?"

"What does THAT have to do with anything? -- oh my GOD, and then after you share it you should totally kiss him and then you could taste the fruit on his lips and every --"

"URK."

"Riku? Riku?! Tilt your head up! I'll go get a cloth, ok?! Pinch your nose! That'll stop the blood! Oh no, WHERE did I leave my hankerchief --"

"AH 'ATE OO, 'ELFIE."

--

DO NOT HURT WELL-MEANING SYMPATHIZERS.

"Yo, Riku."

"Hey, Wakka."

"Just wanted to say, I'm with you, man."

"....?"

"With Sora, ya know?"

".... /.../"

"You ok, man?"

"DOES EVERYBODY ON THIS GODDAMN ISLAND KNOW ABOUT MY PROBLEMS?!"

"Don't think Sora does. But he's sorta thick, ya know?"

"ARRRGH."

--

EVENTUALLY, HOWEVER, IT'S TIME TO FISH OR CUT BAIT.

"Hi, Riku!"

"Rrr."

"...Riku?"

"WHAT."

"Um...did I do something?"

"Oh, NO. Of COURSE you didn't. I'm PERFECTLY FINE, thanks for asking."

"Well, you've been acting kind of funny lately and I was sort of worried, so I thought I'd ask if there was anything I could do. Cos, um. We're best friends and all."

"....."

"Um, so, IS there anything I can do?"

"Yes, actually."

"Really?! Great! ...so, what can I do?"

".../screw/ dignity."

"Hmm? Did you say somethi -- EEEEEEP RIKU WHAT ARE YOU DOIN - MMMPPH. MMMPPPH?! ...mmm."