a spinoff ficlet from Jhonen's minicomic by
J. Random Lurker
Mmyup. These bunnies are sure fun to ride. I like this planet. Can't remember its name, but it's easy enough to find- just go left off that other place and fly until you get bored. It's all blue and green and breezy. Different from Irk. Sort of like Earth, except this place smells a lot better and the sun isn't so horribly HOT and it doesn't have filthy HUMANS on it and stupid CITIES that taunt me with their huge maze-y stupidness and... okay, so it's not really that much like Earth at all. Eh, whatever.
I sneak a glance back at the human, all sneakily, so he won't notice me doing it. And I just look at his face. He smiles so big I expect that the corners of his mouth should start bleeding. His eyes are glassy. Good, means the stuff I slipped into his drink's taking effect.
What, you thought Zim - ZIM!- was going to play chauffeur to the delights of the galaxy for a mere -human-? Some sorta servile.. butler... driving.. thingy? For DIB?! HAH! NEVER!
I brought him here to kill him.
I think I did, anyway.
Yes, that MUST be why, considering I DO remember putting that sedative in that drink, and all. Sometimes my amazing plans even catch ME by surprise. This one sure did. I mean, I was just gonna leave him on the Earth with all my evil conquering robots. Figured, eh, he'd get his gargantuan head eaten or shot off or maybe he'd just rot there miserably getting older and bitterer... At first. Then all of a sudden I hear my mouth saying these strange words while I'm packing up. "Hey, Dib! Wanna come with me into space? We can ride space bunnies and drink space sodas!"
It was funny watching his pathetic brain try to sort out his duty from his desire. The look on his face. Oh, if only I had a recording device. The little twitches at the corner of his mouth, the nervous shakes of those absurdly tiny hands before his chest. Such melodrama. Like it was any kind of a hard choice. Hehe. As if. I knew the second I saw that horrible light go in his eyes that he was fighting a losing battle. "... Bunnies?" he said to me, all big-eyed, like a smeet. That's when I felt that deliciousness inside.
Victory for Zim!
Of COURSE he was going to come with me. It wasn't as if the Earth's putrid creatures had ever been particularly KIND to him or anything. No, he had earned SLIGHTLY better. So, the next thing I know ... we're in space together. I'm pretty sure we even started singing a song once we broke free of gravity. I don't remember the words. I don't think it really matters anyway.
So I sat there singing like a fool, and inside my brain I was thinking to myself, "Why did I do this?" All the way here. It was -really- annoying. Chasing my own thoughts around. Stupid thoughts!
Then it came to me: Ooh, I KNOW. I must have decided that I'm going to kill him but that I'm going to do it in some clever and unexpected way and I'm going to do it MYSELF, just because I CAN and I SHOULD and only I have the RIGHT to. After all, does not the Irken rules of war allow me to take my choice of treasure from the conquered world? Invader's priviledge; to the victor go the spoils.
Yes, of course. That was it. I was claiming my reward. Stupid Earth, you had no idea. Without even a FIGHT, you gave me everything I desired...
I hear a slurring moan behind me, and a dully grassy thumpy sorta sound. Ah, there. He just pitched off the bunny-creature big head-first. 'bout time too, heh. Lemme get off this stupid thing and ... rr, let me OFF, you stupid creature... rrhh! Taste the point of my HEEL...aaaAAAA!
... ooooogh! Nah, s'okay, Gir... s'just a broken tibia... Whrr. Okay!
The grass feels springy and makes little clippy noises under my boots. Gir and Minimoose join me. We all sorta stand over him and look at him. Heh. Looks kinda sad, really. Face-down, all sprawled out in the grass, melty pink-slushy-stuff all spilled around his coat and hand. Like that horrible red iron-y stuff that lurks in his veins; I seen it now and then when we fought back on Earth. The sight of the gooey stickiness spilled all over the human makes me snicker. I fantasize that it actually IS blood, his nasty stinky blood gushing out of his insides. Oh, such delicious fantasy. I rub my hands together and crouch down next to the human. Pick up his head by the back of his hair. His mouth opens, a wrinkle makes his forehead go all funny, and he moans.
The taunts I could make.. eh. I just don't feel like it. Never mistake Zim for a soft-hearted fool though! I WANT to gloat. Glower, gloat, heckle, snipe: all those nice words that mean 'make fun of you for losing'. 'cause you LOST, Dib .You lost SO hard, and you don't even KNOW it. But what would the point be? He's not -there- to hear me. And... eh. So I just say "Bye, Dib," shove his face back into the grass. I do grind him in a bit, listening to the squishy ground go squish.
's not the BEST demise, I admit. I've done better, but... meh. Long time since this was overdue for finishing.
Just glad it's over, that's all. Yes. Very glad. Stupid wormbaby. Should have died a long time ago. Should've killed you that first day. But NO, you had to be all CHASEY and snooping and CLEVER...
As I'm walking off I suddenly realize something's... missing. I hear Minimoose squeaking behind me.
Turn around. And my 'loyal sidekick' is nudging the Dib with its antlers, a visibly upset look on his round face. He looks at me and squeaks again.
What is THIS?! VILE treachery! BASE betrayal? From YOU, Minimoose? I... WAIT, GIR, you TOO?!
Yes, my braindead robot is sitting there too. POUTING at me, with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Get away from the human!" I scream at both of them. Idiots! I should melt you BOTH down for... "We're leaving!"
"Yes, that is EXACTLY the point! I'm leaving him here to DIE!"
"What do you MEAN you're not leaving?! How DARE you defy me with your... horrible.. defying... make me so ANGRY I can't even... GRRR! You two are GOING to come with me, NOW or... or... I'll leave YOU here too!"
Oh no, Gir, don't you DARE start sniffling at me... You KNOW I hate it when you... AUGH, NO... "You! You're GANGING UP ON ME! It must be HIS doing! DIB! He corrupted you, didn't he?! He must have DONE something to both of you while I wasn't looking that you would side with HIM over ME, your MASTER..."
ONE is bad enough, but BOTH of them staring at me with the guilt-inducing CUTE SAD EYES, I...
... oh, TALLEST! I can't DO this!
"Oh, all right, ALL RIGHT! But YOU TWO are going to have to be RESPONSIBLE for him, then! Is that clear? YOU want to keep him, FINE, but you're gonna have to .. eh, water him and .. whatever it is that you do with humans. And stuff. Is that CLEAR? I WON'T be responsible for taking care of YOUR pet human! He's YOUR problem, not mine!"
Tallest, why do they have to look so stinking HAPPY about it?!
And then I'm off to the ship, running as fast as I CAN. I don't intend to HELP them, if they can get him on board on their own then FINE. I just go straight to the control room so I can FUME. Lock myself in. My own SERVANTS, my TRUSTED ALLIES, turned AGAINST me! With their SMUG, self-righteous attitude! As if they know what's good for me! NOBODY tells me what's good for me except ZIM! NOBODY!!
Mm. Guess I might as well see how they're doing. Put my feet up and flick a monitor switch on.
Huh, they seem to be doing okay. Gir's got him. Sure. Fine. Don't need any help from ME. I only BUILT them and take CARE of them, get THIS back for it. Rotten machines. The whole lot of 'em. I should dump them all out the nearest airlock once we clear the planet. Zim needs nothing. Noone. No traitory machines. No.
No, I don't wanna watch any more. I drop my feet off the console and flick on the external com. "I'm starting the ENGINES now, so you better HURRY UP!"
Five minutes later, I take the ship into orbit. Don't know whether they're onboard or not. Don't care. No, I really DON'T.
Silence. It's very quiet. Just me and the noises of the ship. Ooh, but I can FEEL the computer looking at me, feel its camera eyes on the back of my neck! IT's probably conspiring against me TOO! I shout at it to make myself feel better. "Computer, I can HEAR you disapproving, and it's ANNOYING me, so STOP IT! I know you're LOOKING at me trying to make me FEEL bad but I'm NOT gonna feel bad! NEVER!"
Tallest, I'm a bad liar, aren't I?