AN: I love my anime parties with my pals. They give me good ideas, like this one. Well, it was my idea, and they gave me a ton of suggestions and stuff. This is EXTREMELY tongue-in-cheek, so don't hold it against me. It's supposed to be random humor. So read it with a grain of salt, pretty please? Thank you.
This is about the two guys who guard the first Shinzaho, [insert names here]. I was just wondering about what they did for the two hundred years they were there. So here it is, my first-ever Fushigi Yuugi fanfic! I don't own FY, blah blah blah, Yuu Watase does, yada yada yada…you know the drill.
Time Well Spent
Two hundred years.
That was how long the two members of the Genbu Seven had been protecting the Shinzaho. And while they took their duty very seriously, spending so much time with so little to do…well, it could get very boring very fast. And so the two legendary warriors, long since freed from their mortal bodies, struggled. For two centuries, they had to think of new ways to entertain themselves.
And some of the ways were a bit…interesting…
"Okay, my turn," Tomite interlaced his fingers together, put them behind his head, and rocked back, looking around the wide expanse of the tunnel. "I spy, with my little eyes…something that is…blue!"
Hikitsu didn't reply.
"Come on, something blue!"
"Tomite, I don't know if you've noticed or not," Hikitsu replied, "But EVERYTHING in this tunnel is either blue or black!"
"…right," Tomite nodded. "So anyway, I spy something blue."
"No. We've been playing this game for almost three years. There's nothing left to spy!"
"So you want to pick a new game or what?"
Hikitsu's face contorted in thought, and he regarded the items in his hand. This was an important choice to make. A wrong move could mean total defeat and humiliation at the hands of his friend.
"All right. I've decided," he said at last, with a smirk.
"Then make your move," Tomite replied, eye flashing.
Hikitsu leaned forward and spoke. "Do you have any twos?"
Tomite looked down at the cards in his hand, and grimaced. "Go fish!"
"Kuso…" Hikitsu swore, drawing a card from the pile. But then his face turned from irritated to joyous. "I got a two, I got a two!" He threw the four twos down on the table. "I win!"
"Dammit!" Tomite threw his cards down. "I can't win at this game!" He folded his arms and pouted. "How long have we been playing this game anyway?
"So what do you want to do?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
"One, two, three, four, five, YES!" Tomite thrust one victorious fist into the air. "Park Place! I'll take it!"
"Dammit!" Hikitsu muttered, taking the Monopoly money from his opponent. But as he was depositing it in the bank, he noticed something extremely odd. "Tomite, where did you get the pink fifties?"
Tomite suddenly became very interested in rearranging the cards of the properties he'd already accumulated in the course of this game.
"Well, at least I let you have the little statue!"
"That doesn't change that you cheated! Why you—"
For a little while after that, the only sounds were the sounds of fighting, and both of them were using several words that their mothers definitely hadn't taught them.
"Okay…" Hikitsu grinned at the sight before him.
Tomite was balancing carefully on one leg, holding both arms out to the side to keep himself from falling over. He waved those arms around to further keep his balance. "Would you get on with it already?!?"
"Okay, okay," Hikitsu tapped his chin thoughtfully, and then shouted, "Simon says hop on one foot!"
Grumbling, Tomite began jumping up and down on his one leg.
"Okay, you can stop now," the one-eyed warrior said.
"Ha! I didn't say Simon Says!" Hikitsu laughed. "You lose!"
"Strangely enough, I don't care," Tomite muttered.
"…so have you thought of anything to do yet?"
"No. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
"Hello, Hikitsu," Tomite chirped in a cheerful, high-pitched voice. The movement of his hand correlated with the words, making the sock-puppet's mouth move. "How are you?"
Hikitsu stared at the blue sock on Tomite's hand; it had a piece of cardboard set into it to act as the mouth, two spare buttons, one brown and one green, glued to it to act as eyes, and some strands of bright orange string attached to it to represent hair.
"I don't think Hikitsu's in a very good mood, Socky," Tomite turned his hand so the puppet seemed to be looking at him. "He's not answering you."
"…you're an idiot," Hikitsu sighed, wondering if his friend was finally starting to crack.
Quite an impressive feat for a spirit.
The two sat facing each other. Both were quite tense, muscles taunt and fixed into a state not unlike battle-readiness. Jaws were set, and fingers were twitching.
"Are you ready for this?" Hikitsu asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Tomite answered, not moving his eyes from his adversary.
"Then let's begin our battle," the one-eyed warrior reached out with a fist. His friend did the same. They each extended a clenched fist, and held them, knuckles pressing together. And the battle began.
"One, two, three, four," both chanted, "I declare a thumb war!"
Hikitsu leaned his chin on one hand, not taking his eyes from Tomite.
After all, such were the rules of a staring contest.
"You know, I'm beginning to think that this isn't fair," Tomite said softly.
"What's not fair about it?" Hikitsu retorted. "And why are you bringing it up now? We've been at this for how long?"
"You've only got one eye!" Tomite protested loudly. "You only have one to keep open!"
Ten minutes later, Tomite won when Hikitsu got tired of his whining and blinked.
They then spent the next half an hour rolling around on the floor, rubbing their eyes. Keeping your eyes open for a week really hurt!
It was payback. It had to be. For the staring contest, the thumb war, and the sock puppet incident. But really, he'd already gotten revenge for the sock puppet! The man had set the thing on fire, for Genbu's sake! Socky had, sadly, been sent to the great underwear drawer in the sky.
And now, Hikitsu was having his vengeance.
Still, this almost seemed too cruel. No one should be allowed to treat another human being in such a manner, even if they were technically spirits. This was beyond outrageous, beyond terrible.
Tomite beat his head against the wall, begging for a second death to release him from this torture.
Behind him, Hikitsu was singing, his voice echoing up and down the icy corridor that led to the Shinzaho they guarded. As if the singing wasn't bad enough (for Hikitsu had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was completely tone-deaf), he had to pick…THAT song.
"This is the song that never ends…"
"…so what do you want to do now?"
"I dunno, what do you want to do?"
"I asked you first."
"All right, let's get to it."
"Remind me again why I'm doing this?"
"Because we can. Because we're bored. Any other questions?"
"Okay. You lick, I'll count."
With a sigh, Tomite began licking the Tootsie Roll pop in his hand, while Hikitsu counted.
After a few minutes, Hikitsu jumped up and pointed at his friend, a scowl crossing his face. "You bit it! I saw you! No biting!"
"I did not!"
"…I think we need to find something else to do."
Deciding to try some more intellectual and non-annoying ways to pass the time, the two managed to wrestle up some painting supplies. They sat at opposite ends of the room and worked diligently on their individual masterpieces.
"I'm done with mine!" Tomite announced suddenly, setting his brush down beside him and holding his canvas out at arm's length to get a better look at it.
Hikitsu crawled over and peered over his friends shoulder. He frowned; the canvas was completely blank. "What in the world is this?"
"I call it, Cow Eating Grass," Tomite announced proudly.
"Where's the grass?" Hikitsu asked.
"The cow ate it."
"Where's the cow?"
"He's not going to stick around if there's no more grass!"
Hikitsu managed to resist the urge to smack his companion in the head. Repeatedly. With a shovel. Instead, he simply went back to his own work.
A short while later, he set down his own brush. "I call it, Stick Person in a StickForest." Okay, so he was tone-deaf and had no artistic abilities whatsoever.
"I'm finished with my new masterpiece as well," Tomite cheered.
"Did you actually paint something this time?"
"Yup!" he spun the canvas around for the viewing pleasure and approval of his friend. "I call it, The Four Gods Amidst Flowers." And it was.
Tomite wasn't sure how much longer it would be before he developed a permanent twitch in that eye. This had been going on for what seemed like forever. He was trying to count the number of cracks in the ice on one wall (yup, he was bored again), but the persistent noise kept interrupting him.
Finally, his nerves snapped; he jumped up, and whirled around to glare angrily at his friend. "Would you quit with the paddle ball already?!?"
"Any ideas for what we could do now?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
"…would someone please kill me?"
"Come on, be serious about this!" Tomite admonished.
"This is ridiculous!"
"No it's not! It's fun! Now come on, do this with me!"
Feeling defeated, Hikitsu hauled himself to his feet and took his place beside his friend to humiliate himself for about the tenth time that day. "Let's get this over with."
"Okay, here we go!" Tomite started. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out…"
While Hikitsu had no reservations about putting his foot in (in what, he wondered?), he had some issues with turning himself about. And what the hell did Hokey Pokey mean, anyway? And was that really what it was all about?
Finally, nerves snapped, and he threw his hands up and declared, "No more! Find something else!"
Tomite thought about it for a moment, and then said tentatively, "Well, I did hear about this other dance that's supposed to be popular. Would you try it? I even know the song!" Tomite said proudly.
"Anything has to be better than that monstrosity. How does it go?" Hikitsu asked, feeling victorious.
That feeling was shot to hell when he saw the dance. At Tomite's urging, he agreed to try it once.
And Tomite began singing. "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena…"
"Oh, hell no!"
Once again, they sat facing each other.
This was another game they had tried, but one or the other of them always seemed to mess it up. They would just get confused by the hand movements.
Tomite set his hands on his knees and took a deep breath. "Okay, let's try it one more time. We're gonna get it this time. Ready?"
Hikitsu nodded, and they both slapped their thighs and clapped their hands in unison.
"Patty cake, patty cake…"
"So what should we do now?"
"For the love of Genbu, shut your mouth!"
Hikitsu frowned. "Okay, we've been debating this for how long? Let's just come to some sort of compromise and get on with this!"
"Fine by me. Make an offer," Tomite nodded.
Hikitsu considered his options, and finally decided. "All right. My Pikachu for your Jigglypuff!"
"What?" Tomite looked mortally affronted. "My Jigglypuff has, like, ten levels on your Pikachu! There is no way that's a fair trade!"
"Quit complaining!" Hikitsu gestured wildly with the small video game in his hand. "I just need it for the damn Pokedex, so send it over!"
A loud creaking noise interrupted their argument. They heard voices in the corridor.
Someone coming for the Shinzaho?
Tomite set down his Gameboy. "Sounds like we've got visitors."
"I'd say so. Let's go greet them," Hikitsu agreed.
The doors slammed closed. The Shinzaho had been taken, and with nothing left to guard, their souls were finally free to seek the heavens and peace, after two hundred years of sitting around, finding new and increasingly bizarre ways to entertain themselves.
So it was with no little delight that they shed the last of their earthly bonds and spun upwards, into the sky, towards Paradise. Their friends and fellow Celestial Warriors were waiting for them there.
As they walked through the gates, though, a horrible, horrible sound met their ears.
Hikitsu and Tomite both froze. Tomite spoke first. "Are you sure this is Heaven?"
Someone walked by, holding a Tootsie Roll pop. "Sure it is. Why?"
AN: …wow, that wound up being even more pointless then I had imagined! Remember, this is meant to be goofy. There's nothing in this that is intended to be serious. I'm well aware that they wouldn't have Gameboys. So don't hold it against me, kay? Thanks for reading! Bye now!