You know the drill kids, nothing's mine.

They're OOC! They're badly written! They're having lots of sex! A baffled Harry Potter encounters a terrifying evil...the fanfic versions of his friends.

I know you're all waiting for another chapter of "Plot Devices", but everything I've tried to write for it lately has been, well, not funny. This, incidentally, was written during the boring part of the very expensive GRE Prep class I'm taking.

When Fanfic Characters Attack….

It seemed like a normal day at Hogwarts when Harry woke up, stretched, and jumped out of bed. Little did he know what awaited him….

"Morning Ron." He said to his best friend and roommate.


"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing Harry, mate, old pal." Replied Ron. "I'm so glad we're friends, I really love all the wacky adventures we have!"

"Uh, yeah...."

"In fact, we've been friends a long time, but lately, I've started having these...feelings...towards you. Your hair, your eyes.....I want you Harry!"


"Yes Harry! Say you love me! I know you share my feelings!" Ron's voice called after him as he fled from the room.

Coming breathlessly into the common room, he saw Hermione sitting on a couch.

"Oh Hermione, thank God! Ron's acting really-"

"Ron! That Bastard, I can't believe he cheated on me with Parvati!"


"Not that I can blame him, she's really sexy....if I was into girls...which I am."

"Hermione, what are you talking about?"

"Homework! I got perfect scores on all my OWLS! You can't apparate or disapparate inside Hogwarts Harry!"

"Uh, I wasn't planning to..."

"Good, because I don't know what I would do without you, my darling, my love! Through all our years of being best friends I always knew you were the only man for me! Kiss me Harry!"

"Hermione! No way!"

"Oh well, I don't have time anyway. I have to go to my special tutoring session with Professor Snape. And of course, when I say "tutoring" I mean "hot wild sex"."


"Hi Harry!" Said a perky voice behind him. He turned.

"Oh, Hi Ginny."

"O-o-oh. H-h-hi H-h-haa-rry. Mmblmbmlmlbe." She blushed, and giggled.

"What did you say Ginny?"

"It's Ginevra, Bitch! And you better not forget it! I have a whole new attitude!"

"Um, that's great Ginny, er Ginevra, but I've kind of got a problem..."

"Damn you Harry Potter! All I want is for you to love me! Why can't you see that we're soul mates?"


"How can you do this to me? After all we've shared? After that one amazing night of (drunken) burning passion, how can you abandon me...and our son!"

"I don't have a son!"

"Do you think it's easy being a young teen mother?! But that's okay, because I'm going to go to the mall to get some new nail polish and get my bellybutton pierced, 'kay?"

"Um, okay..." As she skipped out, Ron walked by with a dreamy look on his face.

"Er, Ron?"

"Oh, hey Harry. I didn't see you there because.... I was just picturing Malfoy and I dancing joyfully on your grave after I become a Death Eater and sell you out to Voldemort... MuwaAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!"

Ron's maniacal laughter followed him out of the common room. He'd barely gone a few steps when a voice stopped him.

"I hate you Potter."

"Fuck off Malfoy." He was in no mood to deal with it.

"Oh baby, I just love it when you talk dirty to me. Take me now!"

"Agh! Malfoy! Get off of me!"

"I should have known you could never return my feelings! I'm going to go kill myself because my father abuses and rapes me! I'm so misunderstood!"

"Well, don't-"

"I'm also tragically hip! Want to go clubbing?  Word."

"No, I, uh-"

"Just you wait Potter! When I become a Death Eater I'm going to kill you and all your little friends so I can become Voldemort's most trusted servant! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!"


Draco turned and walked away, calling "Hermione?  My sweet angel who turned me from the dark side, where are you?"

Harry rounded a corner, and...

"Oh, Professor Lupin, I'm so glad to see you! Everyone is...what's wrong?" He noticed Lupin was weeping...

"Oh Sirius! Sirius! I miss him so much! I caaaan't....go oooon....without hiiimm! Waahhhh! It's all my fault, oh Harry, the guilt!"

"It's okay Professor, I miss him too..."

"I know you do Harry, which is why I'm going to be your new father figure. Want some chocolate?"

"No thanks, I-"

"Fine then, I'm going to go find solace with Tonks...or Hermione...or Ginny...or Severus...or maybe all of them, since being a werewolf means I am a sex machine!"

Harry had had enough, he ran to Dumbledore's office.


"Hello Harry. Would you like a lemon drop?"

"No thanks Sir. I'm really scared, everyone's acting so weird..."

"You know Harry, I was just saying to Professor McGonagall last night after the amazing, mind-blowing sex, that-"


"-what we really need to do at Hogwarts is to have a talent show! Or send all the students to an exchange program at an American high school! Or have our own version of "The Bachelor". No, wait, I know! Computers! We're all getting laptops! LOL!"

"Sir! Aren't you worried that Ginny has a baby? Or Hermione's having an affair with Snape? Or Draco's going to kill himself?"

"Well Harry. You must remember this....May the Force Be With You."

"What? You just ripped that off from Star Wars!"

"Yes, I'm very wise. Now go to class."

Thoroughly terrified, Harry went to potions.

"Five thousand points from Gryffindor for being late!" Snarled Snape.

"But Sir-"

"Don't talk back to me Potter, or I might just have to give you a spanking. Oh yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you dirty little...."

"Professor Snape, stop!"

"Oh, call me Sevvie, darling love....I should have known you could never love me Harry! You're so pure, so innocent! Your lovely green eyes taunt me, knowing that I can never possess you because of the EVIL in my past...."


"Oh, fine, turn me away! But you'll be sorry when you're trapped in a fiery hell of endless misery when I turn back to Voldemort because you're rejected my love! You'll never know the truth- I'm your father!"

"But then how can you want to-"

"You're just jealous of what I have with Hermione, aren't you? Well, too bad Potter, she's mine now and we're getting married!"

Harry ran from the classroom straight into Professor McGonagall.

"Why aren't you in class Mr. Potter?" She asked sternly.

"Oh thank God, you're yourself." Breathed Harry.

"Don't be ridiculous Potter, of course I am. Now, I must insist you get back to class. That is, unless you'd like to go somewhere a little more private...."