Chapter Eleven
How Do I Move On?

Buffy sat on her bed, crossed-legged and eyes closed, trying this new meditating thing Giles had taught her.

Empty your mind of all negative energy, any time a thought comes seeping into your brain, i.e. Spike… push it back out.

This proved easier than she thought it'd be, as long as she didn't get up and do anything productive. The whole thing with Spike was just dumb anyway. He wasn't worth her trouble. She never liked him anyway. She was just using him. So what's a little kissing between him and his ugly braindead vampire whore? She didn't give a crap. He could go stick his tongue in Harmony's mouth any time he wanted. It didn't matter to Buffy. In fact, she should've congratulated him! He finally found someone he truly loved… no, correction, vampires can't love. He finally found someone he could screw around with.

Buffy had not seen Spike for a week. She was planning on never seeing him again.

Empty your mind of all negative energy.

She took a deep breath and focused once more on nothingness. Not so bad. That time wasn't too awful. The thoughts of Spike were now getting less frequent and the in-between time of just feeling peaceful was increasing.

But her heart felt like crap. If she ignored the throbbing pain there, she was okay.

But why? Why didn't I see it before? Why was she was so focused on getting Riley back, getting someone she didn't even love back?

Because… I knew I was falling for Spike, and I looked for an excuse to avoid it.


Buffy kicked down the door to Spike's crypt and light filled the room.

"AAAARGGHHHH!!!" came Spike's yells. She caught his bleached blonde hair tumbling towards a darker corner of the room. He looked up and glared at her. "Right. It's you. I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that in the middle of the day, I tend to set on fire, you know."

Buffy ran over to him and pinned him against the wall. "Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"I have absolutely no idea."

Buffy slammed him by the shoulders one more time.

"What! What could you possibly bloody want from me, Slayer? I did you a favor, all right? You got your little boyfriend back, right? He seemed to want you enough the other night. I don't see any more problems left."

Buffy slowly let go of him and backed away. She had tears in her eyes. "You don't see it?" She whispered this in a soft, broken, disappointed voice. "You didn't feel anything?"

Spike dusted himself off and tried not to look at her in the eyes. "What are you going on about?" he mumbled.

"I just…. I thought that…" she let out a sigh of frustration and began to walk away. "Never mind Spike. Forget it. Forget everything."

"Hold it, Slayer. Get your ass back here! And close the door so we can have a proper chat."

Buffy turned around, her mind scrambling to make a choice. If she left now, she would be leaving clean and letting go of all of this, whatever this was. But if she stayed…

She stepped towards the door and closed it. The room flooded with darkness.

Click. Spike had turned on the lamp.

For reasons that bewildered her, Buffy's heart was pounding like crazy. She was once again alone with the vampire, in a dimly lit room. Crazy sensations were jumping down her spine, causing her to tremble just ever so slightly.

She wondered if he felt the same.

"Now what the hell are you so pissed about that you had to disturb me at my not-so-finest hour?" he asked sharply.

Buffy was really ready to pound her fist in his face now. How could he not say anything in regards to what happened at the Bronze? How could he just disregard her feelings like that? Oh wait, he was a vampire. No duh. "Do you have no memory of last week at all?"

"Vaguely. There was some dancing. With you, I recall. Then your friend I'm-A-Big-Boy-Soldier-Now cut in and started touching you..."

Buffy saw a muscle twitch in Spike's neck. She waited for him to go on but he didn't.

"Is that all?"

Spike shrugged. He grabbed a beer from a case that was sitting on the ground and sunk down into his chair.

"You were all over her!" Buffy yelled at him. "Making out with tongue and everything!"

Spike gazed at her for a minute and then burst out laughing. "What, Harmony? My ex? Yeah, I do recall. Sexy little girl. Dumb as a doorknob, but damn has she got some hot—"

"Ugh! Vampires!"

Spike smirked. "Why do you care?"

"I don't." Buffy said smugly. "That's what I came over to tell you. That… you can go screw with your little Harmony friend all you want. I don't care."

"Is this your idea of a finish?"

Buffy's eyes widened. "Finish? Finish of what?"

"The plan. It worked, right? Well for you. You've got your Riley back. I… don't have Drusilla but I've got the next worst thing."

"I don't have Riley," Buffy said quietly. "I don't want Riley."

Spike eyed her suspiciously. He set his beer down on the floor and stood up. He slowly walked over to her and traced his cool fingers down her shoulders and her arm… all the way to her fingertips, where he let his fingers intertwine with hers. "Well who do you want, love?" He looked down at their linked hands and lifted them up ever so slightly, then turning to stare into her eyes.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"I did feel it, Buffy."

Buffy could feel her breaths getting heavier as he pulled her closer to her.

"The only reason I kept on pretending, even after Drusilla left, was because of you. I just wanted you to be happy, just wanted to be near you. And somewhere along the way I wasn't pretending anymore. I'm crazy about you, Buffy."

"Spike…" Buffy whispered, her heart heavy with longing. "I don't know what to do."

"Just give into it. The feeling, the passion. You know it's there just waiting to be unleashed. We could be something great."

Buffy let him wrap his arms around her, feeling her body hum with a craving she knew only Spike could satisfy. She leaned up, almost letting him kiss her…

"I can't." Buffy pulled away. "I can't. You hurt me, Spike."

Spike angrily threw up his hands. "I hurt you? It was a kiss, Buffy. I was mad and drunk and I kissed the first girl I could see. It didn't mean anything."

"Yeah well it didn't feel that way to me."

"You know damn well it didn't mean anything. You're just scared. How many times are you going to go through with this damn denial? You're just afraid to admit that you have feelings for me. You've had them all along, haven't you?"

"Yeah well it's too late Spike!" She screamed in his face.

"And whose fault is that?" he yelled back.

Buffy groaned in frustration and stormed out of the crypt, letting the sunshine stream in and not bothering to close the door behind her.

Spike winced at the light. He kept close to the wall and slowly moved his way towards the door. Just as he was about the close it, Buffy came walking back in.

He looked at her, surprised. Not knowing if he was happy to see her or not. By the sad look in her eyes, he knew this couldn't be good.

"We both could've gotten what we wanted," she said in a soft voice that warmed his entire being, yet he knew as soon as she stopped speaking he would be left once more in the cold. "We just ended up wanting somebody else. I know things are really messed up now, so can we just go back to the way things were? Way before any of this happened. It might not have been the ending I wanted, but maybe we can just leave it like this before things get worse."

Spike knew this time she was walking out for good.


Wooowww another update!! Aren't you guys proud of me? First finishing Sweetest Sin, now updating this story... which I really like by the way, haha. It's sweet. And sad... but umm that might change next chapter (hint hint) Hopefully people are still reading this fic, I know I haven't updated in what is it, a year or two? Hahaha. I'm probably going to wrap this fic up very soon, update my other ones and possibly write a couple of new ones? I find writing really helps me when I'm feeling kind of low.

Reviews? Please?

Julia