(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Number seven! I did it! This means that I probably won't be updating Inuyasha's Shorts as much in the future, but I'll definitely keep writing when the muse strikes. I'm thinking about doing some more serious Inuyasha stories (Gasp! No!), and definitely working on my Evangelion fics (all three of them). I definitely plan on including more of the Inu gang in "The Evangelion Matrix Regurgitated" and "You Wanna Eva Matrix Revolution," if I write the latter. Thanks to all my reviewers, especially Samurai Kagome, Sesshy-Slippers, DarklessVasion, and Jess Perry!)

(AUTHOR'S CLARIFICATION: For those of you who did not get the reference in Episode Two (The Monk's Gambit)–yes, the bet was over what color Kagome's panties were. Note that the rating for these stories has now risen to PG-13 with just mentioning that. Oh well...)

EPISODE SEVEN: THE MONK'S REVENGE

"Uhhh...no, Kagome....don't...shoot me..." Inuyasha groaned aloud in his sleep. Luckily he didn't toss and turn, because if he had, it was a rather long fall to the ground. He was in the throes of a nightmare in which Kagome and he were fighting to the death.

"Osuwari..."

Inuyasha was abruptly jolted awake by the sensation of pitching headfirst out of the tree. He hadn't quite woken up enough to scream before he hit the ground, hard. He lay there for a few moments until he was able to move again. Painfully, he stood up and stalked towards the campsite intent on doing bodily harm to one Higurashi Kagome. "What the hell did you–" He stopped abruptly when he realized everyone was still asleep. He looked down at Kagome, who lay on her back, breathing softly.

Damn, she must've just sat me in her sleep, Inuyasha thought. I wonder what she's dreaming about. I wonder what I did this time to make her angry. Well, at least she's not crying.

He knelt, just watching her sleep. Softly, she smiled, which made Inuyasha's heart beat faster. "That's it, Inuyasha..." she murmured. "Just like that...don't move..."

The hanyou's cheeks colored beet red. Kami, she's...no, she can't be thinking of me like that! He watched as her smile grew wider. He swallowed audibly. She is thinking of me like that!

"Kneel before your mistress..."

"My WHAT?!" Inuyasha exploded. He leapt backwards as Kagome's eyes flew open. She blinked a few times, then saw him out of the corner of one eye. Her dream, which had involved a collar, a leash, and dominatrix gear, rapidly faded from her mind, which was probably just as well.

"Oh...good morning, Inuyasha," she said with a yawn.

"'Good morning, Inuyasha,'" he mocked with false sweetness. He pointed to his white hair, which was covered in dirt and leaves. "Look at what you did to me, wench!"

Her eyes narrowed. "When did I do that?"

"In your sleep! You told me to sit, and I fell out of the damn tree!"

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely.

Shippo sat up, looking blearily at the two of them. "Some youkai are trying to sleep," he grumped.

"Some youkai-slayers, too," Sango groaned. "I swear, you sound like a married couple."

"That's not funny!" Inuyasha and Kagome said simutaneously.

"It wasn't meant to be–" Sango suddenly was very awake, sitting bolt upright. She looked down. "Houshi-sama, I know you're not asleep!"

Miroku slowly opened his eyes and just as slowly moved his hand. "I'm sorry, Sango. It was just there." He propped himself up on one elbow. "It is a rather lovely sight to behold in the morning." He steeled himself, and sure enough, got slapped. "Sango-chan, I was complimenting you."

"You were complimenting my rear end! It's not like you ever notice anything but."

Miroku abruptly stood, adjusting his robes. Sango was taken aback; he actually looked offended. "Sango, you wound me. How dare you insinuate that the only thing I like about you is your buttocks."

She began to color red. "R-Really?"

"Why, yes. You also have a very nice set of breasts, and your legs are quite fine as well." With that, he leapt backward in much the same fashion Inuyasha had.

"You'd better run!" Sango shouted.

"I do feel the need for a bath," Miroku said, scratching his chest. "Join me, Inuyasha?"

"Sure, why not, since I need a bath now too," Inuyasha replied, spearing Kagome with a look.

"Shippo?"

"Nope." The kitsune turned his back on them. "I only bathe with girls."

"Wise lad." Miroku winked at Kagome as he sauntered into the woods, mainly because Sango was looking for something to kill him with. Inuyasha followed him, growling incoherently.

Kagome sighed, waited a few minutes for Miroku and Inuyasha to get far enough away, and for Sango to become coherent again, then changed from her pajamas to her fuku. Sango changed kimonos and put on her battle outfit. "Oooh!" she said finally. "I cannot believe that monk! I can't take my eyes off of him for a moment–I can't even sleep without his hands coming near me!" She turned to Kagome. "I think both hands are cursed, and not with a Wind Tunnel." Kagome nodded, having been the recipient of Miroku's wandering hands more than once herself. "I want revenge," Sango growled.

Kagome stopped dressing for a moment. "Like what?"

"I don't know. I suppose castrating him would be a little too harsh."

"A little. We could tie him up in his sleep."

"Mm. Maybe." Suddenly Sango's eyes lit up. "I know...heh, heh, heh."

Kagome did not like the sound of that laugh. "What?"

"Let's go spy on them for a change."

Kagome brought up her hands defensively as Shippo made a face of utter disgust. "Sango..."

"No, Kagome! How many times has Miroku spied on us, so much that we have to post a sentry!" She waggled a finger at the schoolgirl. "Inuyasha's peeked too. I've seen him. He growls that he thinks you're unattractive, but he lies--hanyou or not, he's still a male."

Kagome blushed. She actually did not mind Inuyasha peeking now and then, but she wouldn't admit to it. On the other hand, it would be nice to get revenge. And you want to see Inuyasha...a little voice inside cackled, but Kagome quickly suppressed those thoughts. "Okay," she said finally. "I'll do it."

The two girls quickly made plans, while Shippo absented himself from the clearing; wise beyond his years, the kitsune could only see tragedy coming of this. Much like Miroku had two days previously, they stealthily crept through the forest towards the hot spring, careful to stay downwind so Inuyasha would not smell them. While they weren't quite as careful as Miroku had been, they still managed to reach the hot springs without being detected. Hiding in the same bush that Miroku had, they peered down into the pool.

Miroku was leaning back in contentment, while Inuyasha frantically scrubbed at his hair. He plucked at the prayer beads around his neck. "I can't believe this thing works in her sleep!" He sniffed at himself. "Great. I think I landed in Kirara's crap, too." He scrubbed more, then pointed a clawed finger at the monk. "Hey. Don't you ever think about not pawing at Sango's butt as your way of saying 'good morning'?"

Miroku slowly shook his head. "No."

"You like getting slapped?"

"Not particularly."

"Then why?"

"Because..." Miroku hesitated, his smile faded, then he said, "None of your business, Inuyasha."

"A-HA!" Inuyasha slapped the water in triumph. "You like her!"

"Of course. I like Kagome, as well."

"You WHAT?"

"As a friend, my dear hanyou, as a friend."

"Feh. You're not getting off that easy." He grinned at Miroku. "You love her, Miroku!" When the monk ignored him, Inuyasha laughed. "I knew it." Seeing that Miroku was getting uncomfortable, Inuyasha decided to drop the matter for now. He had made his point. He stood up and walked over towards his clothes. "Damn, I think I forgot to borrow some of Kagome's shampoo stuff..." When he reached the shallow end, Kagome's eyes widened and she couldn't suppress a small gasp. Inuyasha's left ear twitched and he stopped, slowly reaching for Tetsusaiga.

Miroku's eyes opened to slits. "We are not alone," he said softly. Abruptly, he stood and faced the bush, throwing his arms out wide. "Gaze upon perfection, ladies!"

"EEYAAGGH!" Sango and Kagome screamed simutaneously, all thoughts of stealth forgotten as they stood up, hands to mouths.

"EEK!" Inuyasha screamed, grabbing his fire rat robe and holding it before him.

Miroku put his hands on his hips, making no move to cover himself. "You came all that way, so carefully, Sango-chan, Kagome-chan. I have nothing to hide, unlike some people."

"OSUWARI!" Kagome yelled, pointing at Miroku. Still in shock, she only remembered when she heard a tremendous splash that the enchantment only worked on one person. Spluttering to the surface, Inuyasha let loose a flood of obscenity that peeled bark from the surrounding trees, freely translated to mean that Miroku's parents were not married, that his mother was in fact a female dog, and for all kami known or yet to be known to damn him to all nine thousand Chinese hells. He then went on to add more terms that had to do with reproduction and human waste. With this echoing in their ears, the girls retreated.

Neither Kagome or Sango could look Miroku or Inuyasha in the face when the two men returned to the camp. Nor could they during breakfast. As they got back on the road, once more on the hunt for the Shikon jewel, occasionally Inuyasha and Kagome would catch each other staring at the other. They would quickly turn away, blushing.

Miroku shortened his pace so that he and Sango were just out of earshot of the hanyou and the girl from the future. "Sango," he said quietly.

"W-What do you want, Houshi-sama?"

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."

She kept her eyes on the path before them. "I-We probably deserved it." She looked up at him, a wry smile on her face. "We should have known better than to sink to your level."

He shrugged. "I suppose I deserved a measure of revenge." He smiled back at her. "Tell me honestly, Sango-chan...did you...like what you saw?"

Her face slowly turned pink and she could not face him, but with a smile, she nodded.

"You do me great honor," he said with a small bow. "I owe you a boon, so I give you my word as a priest that I will no longer grope you without your permission."

Without my permission? Sango thought. Then she admitted to herself that the day might come–after Naraku was defeated–that she might indeed desire to have Miroku's hands on her body. She sighed contentedly and walked blissfully down the road, with Miroku alongside.

It was half an hour before she remembered that Miroku was a monk, not a priest.